Is this quacking?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Is this quacking?
OK, so the brief backstory....AH quit drinking in April and has now relapsed as I was told he probably would.
I gave him my boundry...he stops drinking...gets into treatment or he leaves. I wasn't nice about it. He told me I should kick him out. I told him I was not kicking him out, he was choosing to leave.
Well the past two weeks he has had a couple of sober days as far as I can tell. I have not been nagging him about it until today.
I asked if he remembered the boundries and asked if he was drunk...surprise surprise surprise...he is sauced. So I asked if there was any question of what his boundries were....treatment or leave. Asked if he has set up treatment...nope. I asked if he had an apartment yet....nope. I told him to get off his butt and do one of the two.
He then starts to go off on me....
During his previous treatment he says I never asked him how it was going or congratulated him on graduating. He just turned it all back on me. He got so mad at me....if I was a good enough person he wouldn't be this way. I was not supportive and he was doing it all for me...for his family. Am I hearing a quack here?
He has totally re-written history on how he was acting during that treatment period. I couldn't say one word to him without him jumping down my throat.
I can tell he doesn't want to move out because then he has to admit to everyone why...but he really resents treatment. Thinks it is embarrassing. (if he wants I can explain what embarrassment really is). And of course he isn't like any of *those* people.
I am still attempting to detach as best I can. I should be able to start more than the on-line support soon. I wish I can say I will have a more stable schedule but I don't think that is happening any time soon!!
If it quacks like a duck.......
I gave him my boundry...he stops drinking...gets into treatment or he leaves. I wasn't nice about it. He told me I should kick him out. I told him I was not kicking him out, he was choosing to leave.
Well the past two weeks he has had a couple of sober days as far as I can tell. I have not been nagging him about it until today.
I asked if he remembered the boundries and asked if he was drunk...surprise surprise surprise...he is sauced. So I asked if there was any question of what his boundries were....treatment or leave. Asked if he has set up treatment...nope. I asked if he had an apartment yet....nope. I told him to get off his butt and do one of the two.
He then starts to go off on me....
During his previous treatment he says I never asked him how it was going or congratulated him on graduating. He just turned it all back on me. He got so mad at me....if I was a good enough person he wouldn't be this way. I was not supportive and he was doing it all for me...for his family. Am I hearing a quack here?
He has totally re-written history on how he was acting during that treatment period. I couldn't say one word to him without him jumping down my throat.
I can tell he doesn't want to move out because then he has to admit to everyone why...but he really resents treatment. Thinks it is embarrassing. (if he wants I can explain what embarrassment really is). And of course he isn't like any of *those* people.
I am still attempting to detach as best I can. I should be able to start more than the on-line support soon. I wish I can say I will have a more stable schedule but I don't think that is happening any time soon!!
If it quacks like a duck.......
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
Posts: 175
He's just making excuses, and recognizing it renders his attempts at manipulation futile. Hear a quack you sure did, and I get the sense sometime soon those quacks will be heard from a distance, an echo or perhaps just memories of a time that made you stronger. Keep it up blue!
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
He's not ready for recovery, that much is obvious. I had a similar conversation with my AM after her second rehab trip. Her bottom is six feet under. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you know what you need to do. Wishing you strength.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
Why are you playing mommy or prison warden? Telling him he needs to get off his butt. And where are your boundaries? You gave him an ultimatum and now you aren't following through, give it a time frame, a realistic one and stick to your guns vs enabling him.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I gave him my boundry...he stops drinking...gets into treatment or he leaves
So I asked if there was any question of what his boundries were....treatment or leave.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Zen...completely agree. I gave him the ultimatum and he lied. Lied about quitting and treatment.
I wasn't checking up on him...no searching for bottles...no checking on where he is...no nagging. Until I caught him red handed so to speak.
Now I told him I need proof that he is in a program. Not sure how to get proof he is not drinking. I don't trust him.
This sucks.
I wasn't checking up on him...no searching for bottles...no checking on where he is...no nagging. Until I caught him red handed so to speak.
Now I told him I need proof that he is in a program. Not sure how to get proof he is not drinking. I don't trust him.
This sucks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Atalose - I did not have a plan to enforce the boundaries. I need to do that.
Treatment or leave is my boundary for him.
I need a plan to enforce.
It is hard when you are the single wage earner and the only one in the house that is responsible. Had family medical emergency in all this too. It is just never ending.
Treatment or leave is my boundary for him.
I need a plan to enforce.
It is hard when you are the single wage earner and the only one in the house that is responsible. Had family medical emergency in all this too. It is just never ending.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
Posts: 175
Originally Posted by bluetomato 
Zen...completely agree. I gave him the ultimatum and he lied. Lied about quitting and treatment.
I wasn't checking up on him...no searching for bottles...no checking on where he is...no nagging. Until I caught him red handed so to speak.
Now I told him I need proof that he is in a program. Not sure how to get proof he is not drinking. I don't trust him.
This sucks.
I wasn't checking up on him...no searching for bottles...no checking on where he is...no nagging. Until I caught him red handed so to speak.
Now I told him I need proof that he is in a program. Not sure how to get proof he is not drinking. I don't trust him.
This sucks.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Boundaries are for YOU, not for HIM. You set a boundary of what you will and won't accept. But if you announce that boundary, you have to be ready to follow through. If you don't then the A learns it doesn't have to be respected.
You said if he drinks he's either in treatment or he's out. Then he drinks. If he's not in treatment, then he's out! It isn't your problem if he hasn't arranged somewhere to stay, it isn't your problem if he hasn't arranged treatment It isn't your problem.
Of course he turns it all on you. That's what the A does to protect their addiction. Make it about you, not them. Quack Quack. Don't engage in those conversations at all. And, at this point, his reasoning about why he drinks doesn't matter. You've set the boundary, and he crossed it.
FWIW, forcing someone into treatment isn't usually successful. They have to want it for themselves, not because someone else made them. Someone who is serious about recovery will do it whether anyone else is there to support them or not. And as long as he sees other addicts as "those people" his chances of real recovery are slim to none. So it's back to what you want for your own life.....
You said if he drinks he's either in treatment or he's out. Then he drinks. If he's not in treatment, then he's out! It isn't your problem if he hasn't arranged somewhere to stay, it isn't your problem if he hasn't arranged treatment It isn't your problem.
Of course he turns it all on you. That's what the A does to protect their addiction. Make it about you, not them. Quack Quack. Don't engage in those conversations at all. And, at this point, his reasoning about why he drinks doesn't matter. You've set the boundary, and he crossed it.
FWIW, forcing someone into treatment isn't usually successful. They have to want it for themselves, not because someone else made them. Someone who is serious about recovery will do it whether anyone else is there to support them or not. And as long as he sees other addicts as "those people" his chances of real recovery are slim to none. So it's back to what you want for your own life.....
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
You will need some kind of outside support, bluetomato. You will not be able to deal with this in isolation, whether he is newly sober or secretly drinking. Perhaps your medical insurance will cover a referral to a counselor via a visit with your family doctor to ask for that referral. You must get outside help.
He is mentally and emotionally abusing you and has been, according to your first post, for many years. And you are very vulnerable to his mood swings and his passive-aggressive attempts to hurt you.
Many alcoholics enjoy hurting their loved ones. It makes them feel powerful and in control. Alcoholism feeds on resentment, and alcoholics are loaded with resentments. Their brains scan for things to resent. And a fragile spouse who is afraid to defend herself or to be herself....is a prime target.
A relationship with an alcoholic is a relationship of dominance and submission. The alcoholic dominates the spouse through threats....threats that he will get angry, threats that he will leave her, threats that he will find someone better. He dominates by criticizing her personality, her looks, her sexual expression, her close friends, her family members. He isolates her from people by being so hostile and belligerent that staying away from other people seems to her like an easier choice. And the more she is isolated, the more he mentally controls her.
Your husband has abandoned you in countless ways and today he is in IOP because he was forced to do that or lose his job. He is in a simmering rage because the world--and you--are getting in the way of his drinking.
You must seek help. SR is not enough. You need help there, and will need help for many years. This is a long long road and you have children who have been hurt by the alcoholism in their lives. SR can offer you some support, but your needs are greater and deeper. I hope you will find a way to see a counselor. You are at risk of being destroyed by your husband's abuse. He is going to look for someone to blame for the drinking. There is a very good chance it will be you he blames.
Nothing you do or say has ever caused it. Nothing you do or say ever will.
bluetomato, English Garden wrote this in on of your threads back in April. I believe it still holds true today. This will just get worse, he is active, you have become his prey again.
He is mentally and emotionally abusing you and has been, according to your first post, for many years. And you are very vulnerable to his mood swings and his passive-aggressive attempts to hurt you.
Many alcoholics enjoy hurting their loved ones. It makes them feel powerful and in control. Alcoholism feeds on resentment, and alcoholics are loaded with resentments. Their brains scan for things to resent. And a fragile spouse who is afraid to defend herself or to be herself....is a prime target.
A relationship with an alcoholic is a relationship of dominance and submission. The alcoholic dominates the spouse through threats....threats that he will get angry, threats that he will leave her, threats that he will find someone better. He dominates by criticizing her personality, her looks, her sexual expression, her close friends, her family members. He isolates her from people by being so hostile and belligerent that staying away from other people seems to her like an easier choice. And the more she is isolated, the more he mentally controls her.
Your husband has abandoned you in countless ways and today he is in IOP because he was forced to do that or lose his job. He is in a simmering rage because the world--and you--are getting in the way of his drinking.
You must seek help. SR is not enough. You need help there, and will need help for many years. This is a long long road and you have children who have been hurt by the alcoholism in their lives. SR can offer you some support, but your needs are greater and deeper. I hope you will find a way to see a counselor. You are at risk of being destroyed by your husband's abuse. He is going to look for someone to blame for the drinking. There is a very good chance it will be you he blames.
Nothing you do or say has ever caused it. Nothing you do or say ever will.
bluetomato, English Garden wrote this in on of your threads back in April. I believe it still holds true today. This will just get worse, he is active, you have become his prey again.
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