runningforlife

I'm really struggling today with my situation with my RAH2B (that is, fiance) and wanting to control the outcome. I'm overcome with anxiety thinking about all the possible outcomes that could happen and how I might deal with each of those possibilities. Sounds exhausting, right? It is. I can't slow my mind down. I can't seem to let go over obsessing on the issue I'm facing in my life. Sitting in the midst of a crisis, watching unknowns swirl around me.

It's been several days since I spoke with my RAH2B. He did reach out to let me know that he is taking time to sort things out and calm down before we talk. I appreciated his communicating that need to me. Since then, however, he has reached out to a friend of mine to try and obtain details concerning the issue he and I are trying to work through. My friend gently reminded him that he needs to work this out with me, instead. It's pretty clear that he's still focused on the small little details that just add fuel to his fire right now.

His mother contacted me last night to check in and told me that he has not mentioned a peep to her or anyone else in their family regarding what we are going through and, namely, that he called the wedding off. He talks to his family at least once a day so hearing that he hasn't said anything is puzzling. He called the wedding off in a fit of rage and therefore I know was said in a moment of temporary insanity. I've been there before and have said and done things I really didn't mean.

It's hard for me to take this piece of information and not overanalyze it into the ground. Does this mean that he really wants to try to make this work? Why am I so focused on worrying about what he wants? Is it because I'm terrified of being rejected? Am I scared that he will act alcoholic and not take responsibility for his role in what happened? Why can't I focus on discerning what I want in this? Why can't I let go of the need to get this all figured out and feeling wonderful again as soon as possible?

I'm doing a 30 in 30 and feel it's imperative for my sanity. I'm so grateful for Al-Anon and SR.

m1k3

Runningforlife, quick question. Why do you want to marry him? What are you getting out of this?

Your friend,

Tuffgirl

Obsession is part of the alcoholism dance.

Do YOU want to make this work? Is he actually husband and future father material in your eyes?

Because its easier than digging deep into painful places inside of you to see why this is what you want, what you think you deserve.

Alcoholics rarely take responsibility - and when they do, it is because of some amazing recovery program and a lot of time, reflection, and hard work that allows them to emotionally mature enough to take responsibility.

I am glad you are asking this. You should be making this your PRIMARY focus right now. But it may be having to deal with some intense emotions. That's scary.

Welcome to your addiction. Why he does whatever he needs to do to work on his, how about taking this time to work on yours? The journey to self discovery is always way more productive than trying to figure out someone else.

runningforlife

Thank you both for your replies.

What he's doing right now is uncharacteristic of the way he's been conducting himself during the last 10 months of his recovery. He has become honest with himself and his disease and has been dedicated to his recovery and to rebuilding his life. He attends meetings regularly and meets with his sponsor at least once a week. And he's even started to sponsor another. He holds service positions in AA and volunteers at their local office on the weekends. He really has done a great job and what's happening right now is not a good reflection of the work he has put in.

I know in recovery we all make new messes from time to time. I would like to think that since he's been working his recovery well that he will process this and take responsibility where he needs to, but more will be revealed. While we have both taken a step backwards, the overall trend is that there has been progress.

My issue is that I've fallen away from my recovery. I didn't "use it" so I lost it. I "forgot" how to use my tools; or, at least, I wasn't consistently reminded by immersing myself in my own recovery program. I haven't been pulling my own weight in this relationship. For some reason I wrongly believed that his ceasing of drinking and sober living would take away all of our problems. What I haven't realized is that living with sobriety carries it's own challenges. I'm grateful everyday that he is sober, but I need to learn how to change my thoughts and behavior that are appropriate with what he is showing me today and not just my bad habits of having had dealt with his alcoholic self in the past.

Do I think he is good husband and father material? Aside from what's happening right now, yes. Absolutely.

m1k3

He's only 10 months into recovery. Maybe being patient and waiting to see how this qoes might not be a bad idea. You don't have to be in a hurry, you have your whole life ahead of you.

A great Zen saying I heard is "When in doubt, wait."

BTW, have you ever known him when he was sober?

Your friend,

runningforlife

Mike,

That's a great question. No. When we started dating 4 years ago I was completely unaware that he was an alcoholic. He was a very high functioning alcoholic (able to run a 3 hour marathon for one thing) so the first 6 months of our relationship I was completely clueless. Then I started to become concerned, as did his family and friends. Then the disease really progressed and nearly destroyed us both. A year-and-a-half separation ensued. I recovered and rebuilt my life. He continued to drink. But he wasn't my problem anymore. He wasn't causing chaos in my life anymore. This is when I stopped going to Al-Anon. I no longer had a "qualifier" and felt so removed from my alcoholic experience that I was finding it difficult to relate to my fellow An-Anoners.

So, no. This 10 month period is the first I've had the chance to get to know him sober.

marie1960

Mike brings up a very important question, have you ever known him when he was sober?

You say:
"Why can't I focus on discerning what I want in this? Why can't I let go of the need to get this all figured out and feeling wonderful again as soon as possible?"

Just my observation BUT the simple fact that you are having this dialogue with yourself is reason enough to step back and allow yourself to feel this situation in its entirety. Your inner voice/gut instinct is at work here, I only wish I would have listened to what I thought was "just noise/nonsense" running thru my head. I invested an awful lot of ME micromanaging issues that were not mine.

Just keep breathing, and may I suggest take better care of YOU for now, the future has a way of taking care of itself.

AnvilheadII

you posted this almost exactly two years ago:

Things took an abrupt turn 6 weeks ago (gosh, it seems like 6 years!) when he suddenly asked for a break in our relationship. He wasn't able to articulate what this break is supposed to look like, boundaries, etc. Just that I can call when I want to talk and vice versa. He said he needs to re-evaluate his future, that every decision he makes from now on needs to be the right decision. He asked for time to be selfish and super self-centered so that he can focus on his recovery. He said he wasn't able to be there for me right now and he can't be the boyfriend he wants to be for me.

now here it is, 2013, and he's called it off again. if he is now 10 months sober, then obvliously he didn't focus THAT hard the last time. how many times are you gonna let him yank your chain like this? and what is it about THAT type of "come here/go away/beg for it" attitude that you find appealing? and good partner/father material???

This 10 month period is the first I've had the chance to get to know him sober.
and so with a SOBER mind, in a fit of RAGE, he called off the wedding. and has been off your radar for multiple days.

runningforlife

Anvil,

Wow, haven't read that post in years. Correct, the "break" he asked for 2 years ago to focus on his recovery was just a lie. He feigned recovery for 2 months and then started drinking and continued to drink until 10 months ago.

Thank you for pointing out the areas I need to be reflecting on.

honeypig

OK, I don't know a lot about weddings, but I think they take a lot of planning and advance scheduling, like a year and sometimes more?--so would this statement mean that you were in fact planning a wedding with someone who was either an active A or in very early recovery?

I guess I'm just wondering what your thought process is/was, and I'm not asking that in a bitchy way, I truly do want to know. Especially in light of what Anvilhead quoted from a post of yours 2 years ago.

It sounds like nothing has changed. It surely sounds like you're being dragged...time to let go?

SparkleKitty

The only way I have ever been able to let go of an outcome is to completely accept that things might not work out the way I want them to, and to believe that no matter what happens, I will be okay.

runningforlife

Honey,

Thanks for asking for clarification. We just got engaged 4 months ago, which was around his 6 month date. Our wedding was planned for next year May. We were just going to have a simple church ceremony and brunch the next day and all of those plans have been taken care of.

dandylion

runningforlife, you haven't known him for a full year (sober). Don't you think it would be prudent to take a giant step away from him and his recovery (with the help of alanon and SR, of course)? I don't know the details of the situation which you are referring to--but, I think that this kind of behavior would be of concern to ANYONE!!

dandylion

runningforlife

Yes. I definitely do think it's best to take a step back. We both need to focus on our respective recoveries.

I'm not sure what he's going to say when he feels ready to talk to me and I'm not sure what I'll say back. I don't think that I feel ready to make a call on the future of our relationship right now and I look forward to finding in recovery a solid place in which I can make that decision.

ZenMe

Um what?! Aside from what's happening now? Aside from the man he actually is now? You may want to think about separating the "potential" with the way things "actually" are.

That's part of the dance, we get so caught up in the potential because they show us these flashes of insights, which just hook us in more and don't really mean anything concrete.

And the biggest hook has just presented itself, the wedding. Like others have mentioned there's no rush, but watch out, just the fact that you are engaged, or once again see the potential of marrying this guy, it may really cloud your judgement. I have known people who marry just because they had already said "yes" only to be miserable and/or divorce later.

I see the fact that he called off the wedding as a blessing to take pause and really figure out what YOU want. What do you deserve? What are you going to chose?

Tuffgirl

I am one of those [raising hand here]. Only my ex-husband turned out to be an alcoholic. Marriage didn't change anything. It made it all sooooo much worse. I knew, two months before the wedding, that things were bad wrong. He promised to "change" and said he was just really "stressed" and we couldn't let everyone down since tickets had been purchased and catering paid and location confirmed, etc...

I really caution you thinking 10 months sober is really producing a changed man. Best advice I got was to give it three years. Yes, three years. And that came from long time recovering alcoholics in AA. And they were adamant about it.

There are so many other men in this world who aren't alcoholics. Are you sure you don't want to hold out for one of those instead? One who doesn't come with some serious drama? One where there is no history like this guy? Trust me - you will meet someone else eventually.

Recovering2

Why is he making the decisions right now? He calls it off. He tells you, but not family. He stops communication with you (although feels okay talking with others). And you're waiting until he feels ready to talk to you.
As long as he knows you're waiting on the sidelines, he can do what he wants. How about you decide you've had enough for now and need to take care of you? How about you make the announcement that the wedding has been postponed/cancelled? Then take time away to focus on your own serenity. No real need to communicate about it.

My RABF has been sober 10 months as well. He is doing really well. He attends AA 6 days a week. Volunteers on day 7. Has a sponsor, has completed the 12 steps. Exercises. Church. I have an engagement ring on my finger. And there isn't a chance in hell of me marrying him anytime in the near future!!! I told him when he has 3 years of solid recovery under his belt, we'll visit the topic again. This disease is not to be messed with.

Let go...Let God. If's meant to be it will work itself out. If not, then there is a greater plan for you.

NWGRITS

It's recommended to not make any major life decisions in the first year of recovery. Not required, but recommended, and for good reason. Early recovery is a roller coaster or emotions. He's learning to do everything without alcohol. It's just like recovering from a brain injury. Take a step back and let yourselves work your respective recovery and come back to it later.

What is your plan if he relapses? The odds of long-term sobriety are against him, so what are your boundaries there? Are you planning to bring children into a home with an alcoholic? If yes, go hang out with us on the ACoA boards just to get an idea of what could happen should he relapse with children around. Unfortunately, living with an alcoholic in recovery requires planning "just in case," because it's more likely than not thay you will need to put that plan into action. For your sake, I hope he maintains sobriety and you both work your programs, and this has a happy ending. But you gotta work the program.