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blindsided by reality... finally.

Old 09-26-2013, 12:36 PM
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blindsided by reality... finally.

i joined nar-anon 2 days ago and was planning to go to a meeting tonight. i was in a relationship with an opiate addict and i felt i needed to recover from it. i mean, i just *did* drugs, i wasn't an ADDICT. i've seen the addict in my ex and that wasn't me. so i made my first post.

and by the end of writing my entire story about how he ruined me and i hated myself for letting it happen over and over, and i could feel all the hate as i reread it. and i knew that there wasn't a single sentence in that post that had the WHOLE truth in it. because i didn't know it yet.

it hit me a couple hours later when i avoided eye contact with my roommates as i usually do(do they know? they must know. if i don't look at them it never happened...) i quietly snuck into my room, making sure to not open the door all the way for fear someone would look at what was behind it. i closed the door and leaned back on it and there it was, in front of me. all of the sudden it hit me in the face. this is the bedroom of a drug addict. and the things i've been saying all day are the words of a drug addict blameshifting, and i stayed in that relationship because it enabled and hid the fact that i am a drug addict.

i raced to my phone and read text messages of all the times i had cancelled plans, ignored a friend, avoided a phone call, asked for money, lashed out. all signs, symptoms and behaviors of an addict. reread my post on naranon and saw my words to myself. everything i said about him was really about the demon inside of me that i had been avoiding and denying existed for three years. i had control, i could stop, i had stopped before, i only started again because i wanted to. but why did everything point to symptoms of being an addict? did his bad habits rub off on me?

i needed to figure this out.

and i did. i figured out that i, too, am an addict. i fooled myself for so long and avoided it but joining the nar-anon group gave me the tiniest ounce of strength and selfkindness to give myself enough respect to be HONEST. and it was not what i expected.

it wasn't him, it was both of us. i stayed in the most toxic relationship of my life with an addict who was aware of his addiction because i was an addict in denial. and we enabled each others bad behavior, and we passed the plate back and forth, but at the end of it i could always feel ok because i wasn't as bad as he was so i must be ok. i poured all of my energy and emotion into HELPING and SAVING him, further convincing me that i was the strong one here. he was the weak one.

i used his addiction to coverup and downplay my own. i took his softest spot, cut it open, and used it to save me from the reality of who i had became. to make sure it was KNOWN that i was taking care of him, not the other way around. i used his addiction for my benefit. and that is something ONLY an addict would do.

the lightbulb turned on. i sat for hours and hours and hours coming to terms with it. looking at my life. checked off all the boxes. lost my job of 4 years because of my unreliability due to drugs, gambled away my roommates rent money when i was on drugs, borrowed money from a close friend to pay the rent, never paid him back, and just cut him out, marked it as a 'loss'. lived in 6 different places (3 were mine, 3 were me 'crashing' for a month), 7 if you include the month i spent basically living out of my car because who really needs an apt when you can stay awake partying all night and go to work on no sleep because you have drugs to keep you on top of things. i made my drug use a joke to friends, to ease them into accepting it. to remind myself i knew what i was doing, i was in control. but when i was kind enough to myself to be honest, i could do no more denying.

everything about my life, for 3 years, has been surrounded by drugs. i couldn't remember the last time i went an entire day without talking about it, thinking about it, doing it, asking about it, trying to find something, thinking about NOT doing it. i am addicted. i have been for a very long time. and i was so good at lying to myself, covering it up, changing the story, being the victim, not caring enough to ever hear the concerns because their concerns conflicted to me feeling good. and if they don't want me to feel good they aren't my friend so i don't need them.

i am an addict. i have admitted it. not only to myself, but to my sister, an active NA member friend who moved away to get out of the grips of our addictions, and the NA hotline. someone is coming to my house to pick me up for my first meeting tonight. because i can't do anything alone on my own free will like an adult because the drugs have left me crippled and paralyzed by fear and anxiety.

but i am keeping my momentum up. i am not quitting today. i am not physically prepared. i need help making a realistic plan that will help me get clean and stay clean. i do not know where to start.

i hope this is the first step.

i feel a sense of relief and contentment that i haven't felt in so long... it's almost like a high. i worry it will be fleeting but i want to stay on it for as long as i can. i am 26 years old and i have never lived, just blindly floated convincing myself it was 'the time of my life'. i want to change. i want to start living. i want to know who i am. i want to be a person again.
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Old 09-26-2013, 12:41 PM
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Very brave post. As a practicing alcoholic, I understand. But you have come to a great place. Lots of answers here and lots of experience. This is a great step for you. I am proud of you. Stay strong
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Old 09-26-2013, 12:45 PM
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Welcome to SR notimetowaste.

And thanks for this post, it is a strong post.
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Old 09-26-2013, 12:48 PM
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I'm glad you recognized the reality of 'what is' in your life. Good for you for knowing you need to change.

I'm not sure what you mean by not being physically prepared to stop today? I think there is no time like today to make a change in your life.
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Old 09-26-2013, 12:56 PM
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Amazingly honest and insightful post, notimetowaste. That really touched me. (((((((hugs)))))))

And welcome to the SR family! Here you will find a whole host of wisdom, experience and support to help you find your new life
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Old 09-26-2013, 01:05 PM
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to SR! You'll find lots of support here in getting clean of all substances.
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Old 09-26-2013, 02:29 PM
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welcome notimetowaste

I think today is a great time to quit...I doubt many of us found the perfect time, or a day when we felt absolutely prepared to quit. I know I didn't.

Don't let your addiction string you along...Isn't it time you started calling the shots again?

D
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Old 09-26-2013, 03:47 PM
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If I quit cold turkey without a plan in place how not to relapse this time I I am setting myself up for failure. In the past going cold turkey leaves me in bed for 3-5 days with major fatigue and flulike symptoms not to mention major depression. I'm working on planning out a taper off program which I did the first time I stopped and it was a month of staying off uppers vs 5-7 days off with cold turkey.

I want to treat this with patience and conscientiousness as opposed to rapid reactionary measures. My body is what is dependent now, which I cannot control, my real Self does not want this aanymore. For the first time my quitting is because Iwant to for myself , not because I feel guilty or just 'think' I should.

Am I just making excuses?
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Old 09-26-2013, 04:03 PM
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On my way to my first meeting now. Appreciating the support. It is needed.
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Old 09-26-2013, 05:39 PM
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Your post is really powerful. I hope that coming to that realization on your own helps your recovery, because you are the driving force - not someone else. Take care of yourself.
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Old 09-26-2013, 05:47 PM
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Wow, what a powerful post. I understand as I have had some startling revelations about my own drinking since attending alanon. Good luck to you. Stay strong. xo
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