Desperate for advice
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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Desperate for advice
I am still not divorced... it is dragging on and on and on...
I was arrested 3 weeks ago after he showed up in my driveway to take the girls to school (judge ordered that he could do that). Proceeded to tell me to hurry it up and when I told him he could not talk to me that way he ripped my necklace, punched me repeatedly in the face and knocked me down. Our kids watched it all.
I called 911. So did he. I told the truth. The girls were crying and clinging to me. The next door neighbors (his drinking and co abuser pal) and he told a different story. I had the bruises, broken necklace etc.. and I was arrested.
Then he asked that the no contact order be dropped and I asked that it remain and he got it dropped since he is the "victim".
A week later, xAH filed an ex parte order against me after a contentious day in court where his drinking was brought up and he had it granted.
Now he is being given 2 overnights a week AT MY HOUSE which means having to give him a set of keys.
He is building his way toward trying to take custody.
I have a good lawyer but nothing can match his insanity.
He is ruining my life and taking the girls from me bit by bit and I am in a panic.
I have no idea what to do anymore and if anyone knows of any resources/connections in my area (New England) please tell me.
Right now HE is the perceived victim. I am viewed by the judge as the abuser, not him.
I am living in hell straight out of all the horrors that Lundy Bancroft writes about.
I am about to have a total nervous breakdown is how I feel.
I was arrested 3 weeks ago after he showed up in my driveway to take the girls to school (judge ordered that he could do that). Proceeded to tell me to hurry it up and when I told him he could not talk to me that way he ripped my necklace, punched me repeatedly in the face and knocked me down. Our kids watched it all.
I called 911. So did he. I told the truth. The girls were crying and clinging to me. The next door neighbors (his drinking and co abuser pal) and he told a different story. I had the bruises, broken necklace etc.. and I was arrested.
Then he asked that the no contact order be dropped and I asked that it remain and he got it dropped since he is the "victim".
A week later, xAH filed an ex parte order against me after a contentious day in court where his drinking was brought up and he had it granted.
Now he is being given 2 overnights a week AT MY HOUSE which means having to give him a set of keys.
He is building his way toward trying to take custody.
I have a good lawyer but nothing can match his insanity.
He is ruining my life and taking the girls from me bit by bit and I am in a panic.
I have no idea what to do anymore and if anyone knows of any resources/connections in my area (New England) please tell me.
Right now HE is the perceived victim. I am viewed by the judge as the abuser, not him.
I am living in hell straight out of all the horrors that Lundy Bancroft writes about.
I am about to have a total nervous breakdown is how I feel.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
wtbh,
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't really know if I have any words of wisdom to give you.
I don't remember in any of this that you are going through if you had contacted DV. The reason that I am asking this is because a friend of mine went through something a little similar to what you are going through. Her ex even put her in the hospital, yet she was arrested for the abuse. The other thing her ex did was to contact DV, and then when she did they told her that they could not help her because he already went to see the DV court advocate.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) I'm here for you.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I don't really know if I have any words of wisdom to give you.
I don't remember in any of this that you are going through if you had contacted DV. The reason that I am asking this is because a friend of mine went through something a little similar to what you are going through. Her ex even put her in the hospital, yet she was arrested for the abuse. The other thing her ex did was to contact DV, and then when she did they told her that they could not help her because he already went to see the DV court advocate.
((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) I'm here for you.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
You do not have a good lawyer. These circumstances do not warrant the results you are describing.
No court would require or allow a victim to stay overnight in his batterer's house. None of this makes any sense.
I would talk to another attorney. A man this time.
No court would require or allow a victim to stay overnight in his batterer's house. None of this makes any sense.
I would talk to another attorney. A man this time.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by stella27 
You do not have a good lawyer. These circumstances do not warrant the results you are describing.
No court would require or allow a victim to stay overnight in his batterer's house. None of this makes any sense.
I would talk to another attorney. A man this time.
No court would require or allow a victim to stay overnight in his batterer's house. None of this makes any sense.
I would talk to another attorney. A man this time.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
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I fired my lawyer fri. Now I have a good lawyer. But his is better. His is the best in the state and a close friend and representing him for free. So this can go on forever.
And he is not viewed as the abuser. I am. His history of rehab, abuse, my calls to the police, injuries... it's all "self serving" the judge said on Fri. It's irrelevant to the present issue (my being arrested) and he is playing "generous" dad who lets me stay in the house.
It is Lundy Bancroft's book to a T. It is terrifying. The cops are not at all sympathetic to me in town and have not been as I have told you all before.
So now he is seeing this as a chance to overhaul everything we had already negotiated and he holds all the cards. My lawyer is a woman which I wish weren't the case but my ****** lawyer was a man and she is a bulldog (new lawyer) so I have to trust she knows what she is doing...
And he is not viewed as the abuser. I am. His history of rehab, abuse, my calls to the police, injuries... it's all "self serving" the judge said on Fri. It's irrelevant to the present issue (my being arrested) and he is playing "generous" dad who lets me stay in the house.
It is Lundy Bancroft's book to a T. It is terrifying. The cops are not at all sympathetic to me in town and have not been as I have told you all before.
So now he is seeing this as a chance to overhaul everything we had already negotiated and he holds all the cards. My lawyer is a woman which I wish weren't the case but my ****** lawyer was a man and she is a bulldog (new lawyer) so I have to trust she knows what she is doing...
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The court is insane... There IS a restraining order against me, I have the house EXCEPT for one night each weekend when xAH is allowed to stay there with the girls. The two things make NO sense at all. I agree... My lawyer says that the judge is not concerned with me or with xAH. They are seeing what is best for the girls and since xAH has no where to stay with the girls, he is given access to my house. He is SO afraid of me yet wants to stay in my house, right? I want to scream from a roof that this is insanity. My lawyer is telling me that reacting emotionally to this order as bad as it is will just make me look crazy which xAH alleges anyway, so we are working around it.
Thank GOD the girls therapist is on my side and she is being designated (as long as xAH agrees) as the person who will decide whether this overnight insanity should occur (and she has already said it is ridiculous). So my one saving grace is that she will say it is not to occur and it won't. I hope.
Thank GOD the girls therapist is on my side and she is being designated (as long as xAH agrees) as the person who will decide whether this overnight insanity should occur (and she has already said it is ridiculous). So my one saving grace is that she will say it is not to occur and it won't. I hope.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
Could you move out of state or to a different area? Go live with family etc... so you are not staying in his house. Then, you would be in a different jurisdiction & he would have less access to the kids. It's also a different police department & diff. courts. I would do it ASAP before the courts in your area can rule any more in his favor.
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It is MY house that he moved out of several years ago that he is now being allowed to come back into. And with the way things are now w me having charges, I definitely can not move. Unless of course I get a job that is remarkable elsewhere. Anyone hiring?
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Originally Posted by wanttobehealthy
He is ruining my life and taking the girls from me bit by bit and I am in a panic.
Secondly, maybe it is high time to have SOMEONE (an adult) WITH YOU AT KID EXCHANGES. I think we've said this time and time again. You need an adult witness to these events happening, preferably someone with a camera or video on their phone.
Lastly, I had mentioned numerous times a security camera for your front door (and driveway) that is recording at all times. They aren't expensive and can be connected to a basic PC.
And have you taken some time to learn the triggers you can avoid to set him off - like not trying to change his behavior, but ignoring it? So what if he speaks to you like a disrespectful a-hole. Why would you try to poke a rabid bear? Why not just let it go in one ear and out the other?
WTBH...these are viable things you could be doing to protect yourself and yet you seem to do the same thing over and over again...are you expecting the results to be different? Because I think by now, you should know what to expect and should be fully prepared for it.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
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i agree with TUFFGIRL...but its soooo hard to turn the cheek with a verbal comment like that...but that was it a comment, he did not need "react" the way HE DID...unstable man!
i agree you need an other person at all times for giving the kids to him...
to have this all in front of HIS KIDS too...and the judge did what?! what the he77!
those poor kids...
i dont know what to say..."fight to the death for those kids"
~hugs~
i agree you need an other person at all times for giving the kids to him...
to have this all in front of HIS KIDS too...and the judge did what?! what the he77!
those poor kids...
i dont know what to say..."fight to the death for those kids"
~hugs~
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
WTBH, I don't want to come off as blaming the victim, so please know that my response is with the best of intentions.
I agree with everything Tuffgirl says. First, I know it's hard and I know these interventions are expensive, but it's past time for you to get intensive one-on-one help to help you mitigate the trauma of having grown up with a terribly dysfunctional FOO and then having partnered with an abusive alcoholic. You need more than the girls' therapist, you need someone for you alone. Everything I know about this process is based on the fact that until I was able to get this help for myself, every interaction I had with my xNPD was escalated, at top volume, and ended with me in a near panic attack. I spent so much time thinking/worrying/venting about him that should have been spent managing my immediate problems. Ten years of this regardless of whether or not he was targeting me with his aggression -- and my nerves were so frayed. I ran on caffiene and cortisol.
You *must* learn to detach from his behavior. He's an *******, a worm, an abuser. This is what he does -- you don't have to stay plugged into it -- you just expect it. You must stop being shocked and indignant every time he repeats and repeats his patterns of abuse. You know his MO so well you can probably predict it to a T. That said, he does what works to manipulate you -- and that means needling and provoking your sore spots and open wounds. The reason that individual counseling *just for you* by a therapist that specializes in trauma is so important is to heal those old wounds on your time, so he can't dig into the cracks left behind by your crappy FOO and push every one of your buttons and pull every one of your strings. His power right now is in manipulating you like a puppet. You have to cut the strings, and a therapist will help you find all those strings and the scissors to cut them with.
Second, you need witnesses. Whether that means having someone there with you, or you recording every interaction. Whether or not the recordings are legal -- whatever. The point is that with objective evidence, he can't continue to throw you under the bus.
If I were you, I would explore filing a restraining order against the neighbors. And honey, MOVE. Stop throwing up obstacles. It's Jennifer Lopez "Enough" time. This guy is scary -- TAKE CARE OF YOU. You can find the time and the will and the money to do it with. Gather your resources. Do it.
I agree with everything Tuffgirl says. First, I know it's hard and I know these interventions are expensive, but it's past time for you to get intensive one-on-one help to help you mitigate the trauma of having grown up with a terribly dysfunctional FOO and then having partnered with an abusive alcoholic. You need more than the girls' therapist, you need someone for you alone. Everything I know about this process is based on the fact that until I was able to get this help for myself, every interaction I had with my xNPD was escalated, at top volume, and ended with me in a near panic attack. I spent so much time thinking/worrying/venting about him that should have been spent managing my immediate problems. Ten years of this regardless of whether or not he was targeting me with his aggression -- and my nerves were so frayed. I ran on caffiene and cortisol.
You *must* learn to detach from his behavior. He's an *******, a worm, an abuser. This is what he does -- you don't have to stay plugged into it -- you just expect it. You must stop being shocked and indignant every time he repeats and repeats his patterns of abuse. You know his MO so well you can probably predict it to a T. That said, he does what works to manipulate you -- and that means needling and provoking your sore spots and open wounds. The reason that individual counseling *just for you* by a therapist that specializes in trauma is so important is to heal those old wounds on your time, so he can't dig into the cracks left behind by your crappy FOO and push every one of your buttons and pull every one of your strings. His power right now is in manipulating you like a puppet. You have to cut the strings, and a therapist will help you find all those strings and the scissors to cut them with.
Second, you need witnesses. Whether that means having someone there with you, or you recording every interaction. Whether or not the recordings are legal -- whatever. The point is that with objective evidence, he can't continue to throw you under the bus.
If I were you, I would explore filing a restraining order against the neighbors. And honey, MOVE. Stop throwing up obstacles. It's Jennifer Lopez "Enough" time. This guy is scary -- TAKE CARE OF YOU. You can find the time and the will and the money to do it with. Gather your resources. Do it.
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Originally Posted by Florence
And honey, MOVE. Stop throwing up obstacles.
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Although it may be hard to hear, TG and Florence are spot on. It takes a shift in perspective. You need to stop *reacting* to him and start *acting* in your own and your children's best interests--regardless of him. It's not about taking away his power, it's about taking back your own.
L
L
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I understand that the police considered him the victim and you the abuser in the latest incident.
It still doesn't make sense for a court to order that the two of you ever be together in the same house with the children.
The court obviously believes that there is a lot of back-and-forth animosity. At a minimum, your lawyer should ensure that the children don't have to witness whatever ensues when the two of you are together.
It still doesn't make sense for a court to order that the two of you ever be together in the same house with the children.
The court obviously believes that there is a lot of back-and-forth animosity. At a minimum, your lawyer should ensure that the children don't have to witness whatever ensues when the two of you are together.
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Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
First of all, this will become your behavior if you continue to hold this perspective.
Secondly, maybe it is high time to have SOMEONE (an adult) WITH YOU AT KID EXCHANGES. I think we've said this time and time again. You need an adult witness to these events happening, preferably someone with a camera or video on their phone.
Lastly, I had mentioned numerous times a security camera for your front door (and driveway) that is recording at all times. They aren't expensive and can be connected to a basic PC.
And have you taken some time to learn the triggers you can avoid to set him off - like not trying to change his behavior, but ignoring it? So what if he speaks to you like a disrespectful a-hole. Why would you try to poke a rabid bear? Why not just let it go in one ear and out the other?
WTBH...these are viable things you could be doing to protect yourself and yet you seem to do the same thing over and over again...are you expecting the results to be different? Because I think by now, you should know what to expect and should be fully prepared for it.
Secondly, maybe it is high time to have SOMEONE (an adult) WITH YOU AT KID EXCHANGES. I think we've said this time and time again. You need an adult witness to these events happening, preferably someone with a camera or video on their phone.
Lastly, I had mentioned numerous times a security camera for your front door (and driveway) that is recording at all times. They aren't expensive and can be connected to a basic PC.
And have you taken some time to learn the triggers you can avoid to set him off - like not trying to change his behavior, but ignoring it? So what if he speaks to you like a disrespectful a-hole. Why would you try to poke a rabid bear? Why not just let it go in one ear and out the other?
WTBH...these are viable things you could be doing to protect yourself and yet you seem to do the same thing over and over again...are you expecting the results to be different? Because I think by now, you should know what to expect and should be fully prepared for it.
Neighbors witnessed him hit me. Then lied.
Court order says he will get them from the house. I asked that it be public. Judge told us "best interest of the kids" is that we act like adults and do it at our house.
My state will NOT allow me to videotape/surveil etc... So it's not an option.
I am dealing with a dangerous narcissist who has manipulated the police and court system as Lundy Bancroft describes to a T and I have and continue to take the steps to protect myself that I can and am getting no where.
My mother is around a lot but is 68 and in poor health and is not at my home every single minute.
And with the next door neighbors perjuring themselves in court as "eye witnesses" it's a little hard...
I am not about to change the court order without the judge approving it and be held in contempt so that is why he shows up at my house. NOT my choice. I argued against it.
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I did file a petition against the neighbors, and guess who showed up to attest that they are great people? xAH.
This is a man who has three open DCYF investigations, has been to rehab twice and continues to drink to excess and perjures himself openly in court and is smooth and believed.
The judge does not seem phased with his history of abuse/drinking/ or the DCYF reports.
He is a teacher, a coach and suddenly VERY interested in being an active part of the girls lives.
I am in a panic bc I have NO way to protect my kids. I do have a therapist and she is equally concerned by the courts ruling that makes NO sense.
He does not have a suitable place for time to visit with the girls so the court decided that having him at my house (and I have to leave and stay away at those times) was fine.
It took years to make the house calm and safe and now that's thrown out the window.
I guess I am at a loss as to what roads to go down at this point. I have taken the advice you've all given, I don't believe I am reacting so much as being blindsided by the legal manipulation that is occurring.
This is a man who has three open DCYF investigations, has been to rehab twice and continues to drink to excess and perjures himself openly in court and is smooth and believed.
The judge does not seem phased with his history of abuse/drinking/ or the DCYF reports.
He is a teacher, a coach and suddenly VERY interested in being an active part of the girls lives.
I am in a panic bc I have NO way to protect my kids. I do have a therapist and she is equally concerned by the courts ruling that makes NO sense.
He does not have a suitable place for time to visit with the girls so the court decided that having him at my house (and I have to leave and stay away at those times) was fine.
It took years to make the house calm and safe and now that's thrown out the window.
I guess I am at a loss as to what roads to go down at this point. I have taken the advice you've all given, I don't believe I am reacting so much as being blindsided by the legal manipulation that is occurring.
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I think it is legal in every state that you can have surveillance around your property. I think that you just need to put a notice somewhere on your house and window. But check that out with your lawyer.
(((((((hugs))))))
(((((((hugs))))))
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