norcalguy

Hi. I've been married to my wife for a year now. Married her with full knowledge of her alcoholism because we had a long history that goes back to high school. We were very close back then.

We eloped last October and I was proud to be her husband, eager to find us a home and provide. Suppose it was a fantasy that was doomed to fail but regardless, here I am: at home, wife in a different city with the bank card spending money we don't have drinking with old friends.

I cancelled the card and told her she was on her own to get back (no license due to DUI). At this point, she could do anything as she most certainly will be pissed off.

I'm tired of feeling like the bad guy, being told that I'm too obsessed with her behavior and won't let her have her freedom and autonomy. In an ideal world, I would know her friends and she would know mine, but that's basically impossible at this point. She has aired our dirty laundry to these folks that I haven't met and they are more than likely advising her to get away from me.

Funny thing is that tonight, I wouldn't mind it. I've considered divorce and it all seems so complicated and the idea of having to pay alimony to her after asking her to get a job for months makes me a little ill to my stomach.

Between job stress (pay's being cut by 60% starting next week) and the stress of living with someone who acts oblivious as to why the things she does is destructive both to herself and to a marriage with me. I'm not a saint. I've really lost my temper and done and said many things that I don't mean and wish I could take back. She's not the only problem in the marriage but if it's going to end, it most certainly would have to be initiated by me.

It's all very overwhelming to think about and could use some experience from men (or women) that have walked this path before and can attest to a light at the end of the tunnel. Any feedback welcomed,

Shaun

marie1960

Instead of future tripping about alimony, may I suggest you contact an attorney in your state and find out your rights and obligations. Best to have all the facts to help yourself make healthy choices for YOU! i do not know the laws in California, but in my home state a one year marriage is not going to generate much in the $$$$$ in alimony.

I am sorry you are currently living in this situation.

I can attest, it will and can get better, start by taking better care of you, and leave the addict to her own misery.

There is nothing you can do to help her, if she wants help she will search it out. If she wants to drink her life away, that is her choice.

So do the next best thing, and make YOU the # 1 priority of your life.

pinkdog

Welcome norcal, this is a great site. Stick around. You will like it.

Seren

Hello norcalguy, Welcome to SR!

I'm sorry for what brings you here, but glad that you found us!

I think separate finances going forward is one step you can take to keep from falling into debt or from having no money with which to pay the bills.

Since you have only been married one year, I do not know what sort of alimony, if any, you would have to pay...it is good advice to at least consult an attorney and find out what are your options, whether you actually go through with a divorce or not.

I'm sorry to say that your wife will not change her habits unless and until she decides she is ready to do so. When I first found SR, and thread that really helped me understand is this one:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Make yourself at home here! We do understand...

honeypig

Welcome, norcalguy. Here's a link to a recent post by a member here who is also a lawyer. This might help you too.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ng-lawyer.html

Sorry to hear about all your troubles, but since it's a relatively short marriage and you sound as if you're pretty much done, just getting out may be your best bet.

Can I also recommend Alanon to you? It may help you understand some of what is going on, and also help you avoid getting into a similar situation again in the future. Since she sounds like she's pretty far down the road already, I'm imagining she showed at least some signs before you got married. However, since none of us here are experts in addiction/alcoholism until we find we HAVE to be, you likely saw it and didn't realize what it meant....

Here's a link to help you find a meeting http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Please do consider it; it may be more helpful than you imagine in more ways than you expect.

Wishing you strength and clarity as you begin to find your way out of this situation.

atalose

You have to get out and away from the tunnel first before you'll be able to see the light.

Regretter

Welcome to SR norcalguy,

I'm in the UK so I'm unable to offer advice about any legal aspects in the states. However my 14yr marriage is just about to end (papers just filed with the court) for different yet similar reasons as you, so I can understand the emotional ass-kicking you're getting right now and my heart goes out to you.

atalose came out with a whopping one-liner that contains more wisdom than the sum of the words he/she used. In fact I'll be paying attention to that one myself as I'm pretty lost about how to handle the complex financial issues of my own divorce.

What I can extrapolate from your OP is that it's taken two to tango so your focus HAS to be on yourself at this time (easier said than done I know). You can't change the past but you can rebuild a different future over time for yourself. One thing I've slowly learned is that proportioning blame tends to lead to anger which leads to obsessive thinking which can easily lead to a host of other interpersonal problems including substance misuse.

Ah man, I wish we could fix this for you but we can't, only you can. Your life is still as important as it ever was and there was a time when you managed fine living by yourself, remember?

For me, my guitars are the one thing that keeps me sane and when I met my wife I stopped playing. After 3yrs of separation I started playing again and it gives me an outlet for my emotions. Is there something in your life that you once did for solace but has been long forgotten? If so try and pick it up again as you're going to be single again soon and it's easy to forget who we are as individuals after we've bonded deeply with someone else.

Other than that I have no other wisdom. I'm just as lost as you are, but I'm beginning to finally believe that I have an inherent value as a person in my own right, and so do you.

Fare as well as you can my man. There'll be many here rooting for you to succeed.

m1k3

Welcome NorCalGuy and ((((hugs))))

Yes it does get better but not always in the ways you expect. I have been separated from my alcoholic wife now for 2 and half years and I can say my life is way better now.

I am going to second going to Al-Anon. Al-Anon is NOT about you learning how to help your alcoholic, it is about you getting better.

As for alimony speak to a lawyer. I've read that in some states that alimony depends on how long you have been married both in how much you pay and how long you will pay it.

Alas, in my case we were married 36 years when I left. It was cheaper to stay married and live separately than to get divorced.

What worked for me was focusing on myself, getting my head back together and letting go of expectations. Expectations on things getting better and expectations on things getting worse. By learning how to live in the present and accepting reality as it is and now how I want it to be I was able to turn my life around.

So, keep posting here. There is huge amounts of wisdom to be found in this forum.

Your friend,

JanieJane

Welcome norcalguy. I am really new here and haven't anything wise to say. I just wanted to reach out, say hello, and encourage you to keep visiting this forum. It is the only thing that's gotten me through the past couple of months.

m1k3

Oops, typo. This should read:

and accepting reality as it is and not how I want it to be


Your friend,

Mountainmanbob

Shaun you are in a hell of a situation there
I'm sorry for the both of you
seems to be much suffering on both parts

not much that you can do with a drunk who is still drinking

counseling seems to be the only option for the two of you
if you (both) wish to save your marriage and get healthy together

when I was drinking heavy a few years back
my normie wife set us up with Christian counseling
I agreed to go because I loved her and knew I had some major issues
the Christian counseling was free of charge (offered at most solid churches)

we don't seem to know if your wife has a desire to stop drinking ?
or if (both) of you wish to work hard on saving the marriage ?

guess you two don't have any children
sometimes that is a blessing

Mountainman

Wisconsin

If I were in your position, I would talk with an attorney. Alimony laws/practices are very, very different from state to state, and from county to county within a state. Generally speaking, alimony is often reserved for disadvantaged spouses in long-term marriages. The relatively short duration of your marriage may work in your favor. Your wife's ability to support herself (regardless of whether she WANTS to get a job) will also be a factor. But do try calling an attorney; a divorce lawyer will usually happily consult with you for an hour or so, free of charge.

m1k3

Bob,

When I was living with my alcoholic wife I was anything but a normie.

Your friend,

BlueSkies1

I just googled determining spousal support for marriages in CA.
Obviously, you should talk to a lawyer.
But what I read said that support is for usually half the length of the marriage.
For you, if you filed now, that would mean 6 months or so of support, if any.
With a now reduced income, I don't think this support should be your main worry, assets would.
Why don't you talk to a lawyer and have them calm your fears? They will set it out for you clearly, and first consultation usually costs nothing.

Your head and heart seems to me to be in a place where you see things realistically. Go with it, cut your losses.

Mountainmanbob

I was referring to one who drinks normal (occasionally one glass) thus not alcoholic

I understand your point made
living with me while I was drinking was in no way for her a normal life

not what she deserved that is for sure

thank God with me being sober we have returned to a very normal life

have a blessed day
Mountainman

Mango blast

I'd suggest finding a lawyer who's skilled in annulments.

Annulment - divorce_or_separation_selfhelp
Unsound mind: either party was of “unsound mind” or unable to understand the nature of the marriage or domestic partnership, including the obligations that come with it.

Fraud: Either party got married or registered the domestic partnership as a result of fraud. The fraud must have been about something vital to the relationship that directly affected why the party who was deceived agreed to the marriage or domestic partnership. Some examples are marrying only to get a green card or hiding the inability to have children.

Statute of limitations:
Unsound mind: An annulment in this case can be filed by the party claiming that his or her spouse or domestic partner is of unsound mind, or by a relative or conservator of the party of unsound mind, at any time before the death of either party.

Fraud: An annulment on grounds of fraud can only be filed by the person who was deceived. It must be filed within 4 years of discovering the fraud.

--------
Although you knew of her alcoholism, I'd bet you had no idea at all of what that entailed, such as the lack of ability to be a full partner in the marriage.
A rotten place to be in, but as you've found out you cannot save her from herself. Sending prayers and good wishes your way.

Regretter

^ Well that's a pretty wise thing to say so...