I think I'm almost done...

Old 09-25-2013, 08:09 PM
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I think I'm almost done...

I've only posted a few times regarding my husband's heroin addiction which I just found out about 2 months ago. I've been struggling a lot with the need to police him although I know it helps nobody in the situation. I go to Al Anon, I have a therapist and a support system.

He's relapsed twice on alcohol after his 28 day inpatient and now I'm pretty sure he's using opiates again, but I don't know for sure. A lot of the signs are there--lying, withdrawing unaccounted for money, and some other things. It's confusing for me because he goes to NA meetings 6 days a week, works with his sponsor and seems to be attempting to take the program seriously. .

He says manipulative things about how if we weren't together, he would just go back to using and downward spiral, and how I'm the only thing that keeps him accountable. I know this is wrong and manipulative. My bottom line is that I will not live with an active user, but I don't even know where to start.

We don't have children but he's the breadwinner. I don't trust him to be an adult about a separation, I just know that I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I love him immensely but I can't watch him destroy himself. Can anyone share their experiences as to whether or not you stayed and if not, how you took steps to separate? I'd love to save our marriage, but that takes two and unfortunately, my partner is no longer the man i married.
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Old 09-25-2013, 08:24 PM
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Let me tell you, mine wasn't making sense either, he even made up an entire sponsor along with his sponsor's profession, how many years clean etc. etc. etc. it's just mind blowing! Stay strong! If you don't trust him to be an adult about a separation, then he's not going to be an adult in your relationship. I stayed after the first relapse and rehab (found the needles in the car console on our way to buy a christmas tree....kicked him out immediately and told him the next day to come home if he wanted help, and he did, and we worked through it...but fast forward a year of sobriety...we move for his job...lies start up again within months. Couldn't figure it out, thought it was a bipolar depression episode, and he lied about smoking cigarettes, then it went downhill form there. I caught him when I checked my laptop bag, and that was gone. Told him not to come home - he lied and said he was staying with the imaginary sponsor. Next day he came home while I was at work, saw his bags packed and he pawned his wedding band. Same thing again, told him if he wanted a ride to the hospital, I would take him (I also had to get the house keys and car keys away from him). He turned nasty because I left it all up to him to deal with this time. I wasn't going up to bring him stuff, no visits. He wanted to come home between the hospital and rehab...I said no way, get direct transport there. He got nasty again. Let me tell you, I kept it a secret from everyone here for two months that anything was going on until he emailed me from rehab to let me know he was quitting his job and relocating back to where we grew up. We thankfully too have no children. I had a breakdown at work finally and they gave me the name of a great lawyer and the papers have been filed. He gave me his new number and address, but still won't tell me what he was saying or doing. He can't respond to anything that's serious either so I'm sure he's still using. I do not regret anything that I did this time at all. An addict has to get clean for themselves, and there isn't a darn thing we can do about it. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to leave. Every day is different, I am sad and angry that I have no closure, but then the next day I am very happy that I don't have to live in fear of my stuff going missing, or even worse, walking into my home to find a dead husband of a heroin overdose. That was my huge fear for the past couple of years now. You can do it, put yourself first and do what you have to do for you. There's always a way to make ends meet because lets face it, the longer the addict is active, the more possibility that EVERYTHING will be gone eventually and then you'll really be up a creek without a paddle.
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Old 09-26-2013, 05:49 AM
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It took a lot of courage for me to leave my XAH 30 years ago....and we did have a child. But I don't regret leaving him. The divorce was awful.....wouldn't wish that on anyone. He was cruel and manipulative, harassing and so many other things in an attempt to shake my resolve. Two years afterwards though, I met my current husband of 28 years whom I love dearly. It's 30 years later, my XAH still can't be civil, is still addicted, and blames me for all that went wrong in his life. I feel great compassion for him because he is a very sick man.

How did I take steps to leave him? I just did it.....asked him to move out, he did, lost our house to foreclosure, and leaned on those who love me to get through the tough times. If he hadn't moved out....I would have. It was an extremely unpleasant time in my life. But I survived and went on to find a deep, true love with a healthy, wonderful man.

I'm sorry you're going through this....it is hard but survivable.

gentle hugs
ke
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