Rosiepetal

Hi SR friends
Well things were going reasonable well in my custody battle with XH.
The lawyer for child report in & mostly in my favour & a roundtable meeting offered.
School holidays are next week & I've been waiting for my girls gym training schedules to come in which they always do in Oct holidays.
As soon as I had the timetables I sat down with the children, drew a 2 week calendar & set out how they could have time with their grandparents, their Dad & with me & built in gym trainings. Also my birthday is in the 1st week of the holidays & my daughters 13th birthday in the 2nd week. I have had 3 days off booked leave planned for 1 year as have had to save up my holidays since working at new job for 1 year. The children were happy with the calendar & found it to be fair.
So next day I emailed it to their Dad & asked that he approve it.
Instead of saying yes or no he raved on about how he'd said when he returned from overseas he'd have them as much as he could etc etc blah blah.
I had proposed to spend my daughters 13th birthday with her during the day as I'd booked time off work & deliver her at 5pm so he could do the evening birthday with her. Bear in mind that the schedule has him spending 3 days with my girls before the birthday & 3 days after the birthday & the birthday evening.
He complained, didn't think it was fair & wanted a 3pm instead of 5. Also began texting me about how it was irrelevant to me to make him wait 12 days before seeing them for 2 days blah blah. Actually it is 3 days if he read the schedule & the 12 day wait is normal on the every 2nd weekend we have. Never mind all the extra days I'm giving him. Also he said he wanted to compromise & keep the children on the Monday night & deliver them to birthday lunch. This would mean he would have 6 days with them & I would have 1 lunch. Meanwhile while sending me these texts he visited gym timely where my youngest daughter was & went after I'd dropped her off & left before I got there to pick her up. He went & spoke to her about it & gave her a different story again about Mum saying no to 3pm & suggested 4pm.
I am so over this disruptive behaviour & nil cooperation as in the past he has always made the holiday arrangements unsettled.
I have now offered 4pm & haven't heard.
My focus now will be the roundtable meeting & I want to go to a final order because then everyone will know what they're doing & when & he can't disrupt it.
Oh & also given the current situation I don't have to give him any holidays at all as holiday agreement was taken out of existing agreement when I couldn't get him to have them in the holidays at all & it was altered when updated.
I am doing it to be fair.
I get so frustrated, I am trying my best to please everybody but it just feels like me versus the world. I've had years of this & had enough.
How do I deal with this?
Hugs welcome.

CarryOn

Hi Rosie...I have no kids, so no real experience with this, but thought I would try to help by bumping your thread & offering some hugs!!!

It sounds to me like you are doing the right things by focusing on your kids and exhibiting fairness in your dealings with their father. I hope you are able to resolve this quickly so you & your kids can have a reliable schedule!

BobbyJ

Been going through "Kind Of" the same thing with a family member of mine

All I can say is: Remember...It's all "baffling..cunning..confusing" and nothing is NORMAL about alcoholism

Keep your chin up and do the right thing, don't stop fighting for your kids and for your own peace of mind.....And keep on praying for a miracle!

It sucks and yes, it's very exhausting....Has there ever been a day that's been normal with a alcoholic?.....Probably, not many...

Sad thing is:The kids suffer from his behavior!.....
Make sure you tell the judge and whoever.......This is THE BEST for my kids!!!! (without all of the smut, of he did, she did....Give him the FACTS, of what it does to your kids!

It also helped us, by submitting pictures, journals, medical facts of "the UN-NORMAL" things that they do and say.....

Wish you the best....I feel your pain!!

Keep on praying for a miracle to happen!!

Rosiepetal

Thank you for your replies, it helps.
Still no response or confirmation of holiday plans despite XH ringing my home lastnight & speaking to the children.
I thin I'm going to use my own phrase here blame=denial
I'm sure he blames me for absolutely everything but I know in my heart I've done nothing wrong.
He needs to grow up.

Tuffgirl

This ^^^ !!! Write it down on a piece of paper and carry it around with you so you can read it every day.

He's being a jerk, whining about not getting his way. Let him whine. And stand firm on your boundaries.

Keep on keepin on. I think you are handling this all very well!
~T

RhodeIsland

100% right. His blame-games are no longer effective.

Rosiepetal

I am so stressed out right now.
I was in touch with lawyer trying to make appointment to discuss where to from here & what needed to be done, she didn't seem to want me to go in so all I had was emails & phone & then she accused me of discussing adult matters with the kids.
I got very upset, cried.
Told her respectfully & in a nice manner that I know my children very well & I do know what they want & what we've wanted all along. I got emailed a kind kinda apology not & then a letter to read through to send to ex, I don't even understand half of it or the procedures & don't feel advised enough to even comment on it. What I want keeps getting changed & I'm offering more time with kids & their Dad.
Meanwhile with all this happening the XH finally emails & gives a big rant about yes the holiday plans are ok if that's what the children want & he always wants what the children want blah blah blah. A simple yes would do, far out.
Somehow I've ended up the enemy here.
All I want is to mind my own business & get on with my life raising my children just like I have for the past 61/2 years.
I am trying to hold down a job, raise my kids & just be the good Mum I've always been.
If there was ever a time I need positive encouragement it is now - please dear SR friends, I need you.

Jazzman

Do you have any reason to believe the children would not be safe with him?

When I split with S my time with the boys was cut in half and that was a hard pill for me to swallow. I wanted to be involved in their daily lives as much as possible and we did a every other day thing. Living close enough to each other made it possible for the kids to ride the school bus home to Dads Mon, Wed an Friday and Moms Tues, and Thursday. I would drop them off with S on Saturday at 5pm.

I enjoyed my time with the boys and still being involved in their day to day lives, after a while I really enjoyed my time to myself as well. I could be a little selfish, do things for myself and not be a full time parent.

I guess what I'm saying is maybe it's possible this fight is taking more out of you than it's worth? I thought my life was ruined but after a while it turned out to be a really healthy thing for me to learn to balance out all the things life had to offer. My kids turned out fine, excellent actually. I suspect your girls will be fine even if their Father is a jerk. You have had a tremendous amount of influence on the type of women they will eventually grow up to be.

The type of relationship your daughters have with their father is really out of your control. Trust that your girls have the sense to know the difference between a good parent and a not so good parent.

Of course all of this is based on the fact that I don't remember you ever saying they girls would be in danger around their father, just that he's a jerk.

At some point very soon the girls will be old enough to speak for themselves at to who they wan to spend time with.

I dunno, just my thoughts this early in the morning with out enough coffee yet?

Regretter

Hi Rosie,

I can see why. Your plate is pretty full right now and you're only human!

I feel like this every day, too. I'm sure a lot of people do. I'm sick of trying to leave a light footprint on the world (people I mean) when some of those people are literally out for themselves and don't care how their actions/inactions affect others directly. You're not alone. You DO have people (even if it's just on the forum) who root for you, even though they don't know you. That's the other side of human spirit.

Look at the people who've responded to you, Rosie. Are you really alone facing a world that's against you? These replies are indisputable proof that you're part of a community of people who understand that you're weary, and they wish you weren't feeling the way you do. But, the fact is this won't go on forever because your kids will grow older and be beyond this custody issue one day, as will you. Then it'll just be about you and them. Invest in good relationships with your kids now and it will pay-off later on.

Your ex won't be in your face forever. I have two words in response but I know the forum will block out the first word so I won't type them out.


Whenever I ask myself that question of my issues, which is almost hourly every single day, the only answer I can think of is to live your life your way and on your terms, without capitulation or compromise, and don't allow anyone else to tell you who you are but you. It'll almost certainly ****-off a few people in the process though because, in general, people (not everyone) are scared of free thinkers and try to control what they fear.
In other words you already are dealing with it, you just don't feel like you are.


Incidentally, that advice is coming from a total hypocrite as half the time I'm too weary to do any of those things consistently, but it's what I aim for and the only thing I really believe in.


Big hugs for you

Lyssy

How old are the children? I see your daughter is 13. Do the children have a court appointed attorney or GAL? If so, maybe have your lawyer (or yourself) call them and request that exchanges be supervised or that they be done at a police department or firehouse other authority location. The GAL should be made aware of the situation either way, but keep the "concern" with the "best" for the children. GAL's are only there for the children's interest. This is what my first step would be.

I don't have any children but went through custody fights (yes plural) with my (r)ah and his ex. This was 15+ years ago.

Document everything. It doesn't have to be a two page, detailed account. Two sentences on a calendar or day keeper. Everything you do or say from this point forward should be "for the best interest of the children" - it may be a hard pill to swallow, but if that is the mind set, of what it appears to be for the attorney's and judge involved, then play their game, but do it as genuinely as you possibly can. Try and really think that way and act that way for everyone.

Could the kids counselor write an official letter to the GAL? The counselor may not be "approved" but their history should hold some weight.

These are just some suggestions. My stepson is now 24yo, well adjusted, completed his two year degree which he worked his way through with some help from us. He has worked since he graduated high school and lives in a bachelor pad with three other guys. - I.E., he is pretty well adjusted and a normal twenty something guy.

I know that it seems so overwhelming going through this. Especially with an A. Just realize that this is NOT a normal situation but you (and the kids) will get through it. Better to lose a battle and win the war.

Best wishes. Keep us posted and post back here for feed back or vents as often as you need. We are cheaper than your lawyer!

Once you have the custody agreement in place - my advise it to follow it to the letter, dotted i and crossed t. Even if the requested change "benefits" you. DON'T DO IT! It will be the best for you and your children in the long run and if he chooses not to exercise his rights - it is his loss, but it does not mean you have to make it hard on yourself (or the kids) to make it easy for him. And trust me, he will try this and he will take advantage of your willingness to try and accommodate and turn it into continuing control and manipulation. It is much easier to be able to simply state - "sorry, no, that is not what the custody agreement states" than it is to try and rearrange plans all the time that your xh may or may not cancel or change again and keep you life in turmoil.

---

Oh, check out Bancroft on child custody when dealing with divorce and abusive spouses.

Lundy Bancroft – Child Custody Justice

Rosiepetal

Thank you so much for your replies, I really appreciate it.
I am trying to offer more father time for the children than is even stated by the childs lawyer. I am being fair & taking kids wishes into consideration.
However I have raised the kids for 61/2 years with them in my day to day care & the past 21/2 years completely on my own because their father moved to another country.
He moved because he was on drugs & I was willing to call the authorities to protect my children.
Says it all really.
I have no idea if he is drug free now as he has lived abroad but I am giving him the benefit of the doubt & want him to get more involved with kids as prior to now he hasn't been a reliable parent.
He is wanting to have a week about arrangement & I am not happy with this adjustment. The children don't want this arrangement either.
I have raised very good girls, one is head girl of her school, the children feature in the newspaper regularly & are heavily involved in sport & the community.
I see no reason to disrupt this now after such a long time & as my 13yr old enters college next just around the corner from where they live I want to settle her in.
Just to keep you in loop.
Thank you all.

ShootingStar1

I think Lyssy is really on to something here:

Once you have the custody agreement in place - my advise it to follow it to the letter, dotted i and crossed t. Even if the requested change "benefits" you. DON'T DO IT! It will be the best for you and your children in the long run and if he chooses not to exercise his rights - it is his loss, but it does not mean you have to make it hard on yourself (or the kids) to make it easy for him. And trust me, he will try this and he will take advantage of your willingness to try and accommodate and turn it into continuing control and manipulation. It is much easier to be able to simply state - "sorry, no, that is not what the custody agreement states" than it is to try and rearrange plans all the time that your xh may or may not cancel or change again and keep you life in turmoil.

The Court has set rules about how much time he can have with his children, and when he can have it. When you try to give him more time, or to accommodate changes he wants, you are essentially overruling the Court and taking back the issue of custody again as negotiable.

Having to negotiate frequently with an unstable person inevitably results in an unstable results. It puts you back in the center of the equation as the person to negotiate with - manipulate - harass - whatever he chooses. And it takes away the impersonal and unmanipulative authority of relying on the Court's custody orders.

given the current situation I don't have to give him any holidays at all as holiday agreement was taken out of existing agreement when I couldn't get him to have them in the holidays at all & it was altered when updated.
I am doing it to be fair.
I get so frustrated, I am trying my best to please everybody but it just feels like me versus the world. I've had years of this & had enough.

Until the Court says different, I think you should just adhere to the agreement currently approved by the Court.

In my experience, we go to lawyers and Courts to have them remove the emotion and manipulation and chaos from our arrangements with our spouse.

Something is going on here that you feel that you "should" do more so your children have more "father time", and you should figure out what is "fair". There is perhaps an underlying issue of control on your part here: kind of "mama knows best". I think the second "C" applies here: you can't control it.

The truth is that he's been away so long and not part of your lives that you don't know if he's sober, drunk, or anything. If it were me, I'd go back to letting him approach the Court and prove his worthiness to have his children for more time.

Something to muse over, anyway, as someone in another thread tonight said about their child not liking the noodles they got for dinner "Eat what you want and leave the rest"...

ShootingStar1

Rosiepetal

Thanks guys , I hear what you're saying & it is what I want to.
At the moment our legal agreement can't be enforced & is way to flexible to enable this game playing.
It is very hard when your kids want to see Dad in the holidays & he wants to see them to turn around & say sorry the agreement doesn't say holidays so we won't be doing that.
Anyway once the order is in place & this can be enforced then I will 100% be sticking to it. I also want all the holidays set out so everyone knows how it is & when & where they are.
So I guess when this is all sorted out it is going to be easier because there will be no straying from a court order.
I can't wait, it was stable before he came back & I will work for stability again.
Shootingstar, you have raised some good points & given me things to think about so thank you.