Long time no see. . .
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Long time no see. . .
Hey all. 
I have a question for you lovely folks out there. But first. . . an update.
My divorce from XAH is OVER. Hallelujah! He isn't paying child support, honoring his visitation schedule, or working right now. . . but I am free from the crap. Life has been very, very good for me. The kids are having a fantastic year in school. My oldest broke the school record for home runs in a single game earlier this season, and has been chosen as a leader on the school advisory counsel. Sooooo very proud of him, because he definitely took the brunt of XAH's tirades. It makes me feel happy to see them all doing well since the change.
My question is about myself. I am in a new relationship. He is wonderful, sweet, a non-drinker, and my boys love him. I am just a little concerned about some of my baggage that has came to the surface. I feel like I apologized the last 13 years away with my XAH. I said "I'm sorry" so much that it has became such a habit I say sorry for things I'm not sorry about at all. I have discussed this with the new guy, because he has picked up on it. He knows it is something I am working on, so he will call me out on it.
But we had an argument yesterday over something absolutely trivial, in my opinion. I didn't even realize I had offended him in the least until the conversation was over and I received a snide text. I IMMEDIATELY began the apologizing craziness. When the conversation was over I felt unworthy, or maybe it's better to say I felt like I would never live up to his expectations. When I started to think about WHY in the world I felt like that - this man truly cares about me, after all - and I came to the conclusion that it is from the apologizing after being blindsided. I know I'm not perfect, and I can admit when I'm wrong, but not realizing I offended anyone and then feeling the need to apologize for something silly brought all those stupid codie tendencies right back out.
So my question, dear friends, is what do I do. . . and am I crazy?
I have a question for you lovely folks out there. But first. . . an update.My divorce from XAH is OVER. Hallelujah! He isn't paying child support, honoring his visitation schedule, or working right now. . . but I am free from the crap. Life has been very, very good for me. The kids are having a fantastic year in school. My oldest broke the school record for home runs in a single game earlier this season, and has been chosen as a leader on the school advisory counsel.
Sooooo very proud of him, because he definitely took the brunt of XAH's tirades. It makes me feel happy to see them all doing well since the change.My question is about myself. I am in a new relationship. He is wonderful, sweet, a non-drinker, and my boys love him. I am just a little concerned about some of my baggage that has came to the surface. I feel like I apologized the last 13 years away with my XAH. I said "I'm sorry" so much that it has became such a habit I say sorry for things I'm not sorry about at all. I have discussed this with the new guy, because he has picked up on it. He knows it is something I am working on, so he will call me out on it.
But we had an argument yesterday over something absolutely trivial, in my opinion. I didn't even realize I had offended him in the least until the conversation was over and I received a snide text. I IMMEDIATELY began the apologizing craziness. When the conversation was over I felt unworthy, or maybe it's better to say I felt like I would never live up to his expectations. When I started to think about WHY in the world I felt like that - this man truly cares about me, after all - and I came to the conclusion that it is from the apologizing after being blindsided. I know I'm not perfect, and I can admit when I'm wrong, but not realizing I offended anyone and then feeling the need to apologize for something silly brought all those stupid codie tendencies right back out.
So my question, dear friends, is what do I do. . . and am I crazy?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CompletelyLost4---I can tell you this--old habits are hard to break--they take diligence.
The fact that he sent you a snide comment, caught my eye--even though I realize that this was not part of your question. "snide"--especially, early in a relationship would bother me.
dandylion
The fact that he sent you a snide comment, caught my eye--even though I realize that this was not part of your question. "snide"--especially, early in a relationship would bother me.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
No, you're not crazy. Besides, if you are, then I am too. 
I struggle with this too, but I am really trying to watch it. One of the biggest things I have to ask myself is whether or not I am responsible for something...I should not apologize for something that I have no responsibility for. When discussing something that is difficult or that I know the other person does not want to hear or engaging in an argument...I am finding the best thing to do is to listen carefully to the other person, think about what I am saying before I say it and not apologizing when there is nothing I should apologize for. It is hard - it takes practice - I have had to stop myself and take back apologies and have even revisited a conversation with someone for the purpose of taking back an apology.
This is an area where Al-Anon has really helped me - I am learning to be present in every moment, and to be focused on what I am currently doing. This is what helps me listen to others and think before speaking.
The good thing is that you are recognizing your discomfort with something right away, so you can address it right away. I guess if there is something I'm learning about relationships it is that what occurs or is accepted early on in a relationship becomes the pattern for the relationship in the long run, so set your boundaries now...it will be easier to enforce them later.
I struggle with this too, but I am really trying to watch it. One of the biggest things I have to ask myself is whether or not I am responsible for something...I should not apologize for something that I have no responsibility for. When discussing something that is difficult or that I know the other person does not want to hear or engaging in an argument...I am finding the best thing to do is to listen carefully to the other person, think about what I am saying before I say it and not apologizing when there is nothing I should apologize for. It is hard - it takes practice - I have had to stop myself and take back apologies and have even revisited a conversation with someone for the purpose of taking back an apology.
This is an area where Al-Anon has really helped me - I am learning to be present in every moment, and to be focused on what I am currently doing. This is what helps me listen to others and think before speaking.
The good thing is that you are recognizing your discomfort with something right away, so you can address it right away. I guess if there is something I'm learning about relationships it is that what occurs or is accepted early on in a relationship becomes the pattern for the relationship in the long run, so set your boundaries now...it will be easier to enforce them later.
Last edited by CarryOn; 09-25-2013 at 08:43 AM. Reason: grammar
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
You aren't crazy. I think it is totally ok - even in the heat of a disagreement to say "I need to go think about this for a few, and then I can come and talk it out." I've had to do it a few times lately at home and at work, and it is helping me a lot.
It lets me sort out everything for myself BEFORE the argument, rather than after it....and it is helping me break some bad habits. Maybe one day, I'll actually be able to handle an argument in a respectable manner from the get go rather than giving myself a time out first
But for now, thats what I need to do, and it is helping. Good luck - and I'm glad life is going well for you!!! Take care!
It lets me sort out everything for myself BEFORE the argument, rather than after it....and it is helping me break some bad habits. Maybe one day, I'll actually be able to handle an argument in a respectable manner from the get go rather than giving myself a time out first
But for now, thats what I need to do, and it is helping. Good luck - and I'm glad life is going well for you!!! Take care!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by firebolt 
I think it is totally ok - even in the heat of a disagreement to say "I need to go think about this for a few, and then I can come and talk it out." I've had to do it a few times lately at home and at work, and it is helping me a lot.
My AH and I have gone round and round about this so many times. In his alcoholic craziness, he believes he has a "right" to have something "resolved" right this second. As I have grown in my recovery, I have learned many ways to protect my serenity in these situations when I need time to process things and work through my feelings. I have come to believe that one hallmark of a healthy relationship is when BOTH people can acknowledge that the other just needs some time and space to get a handle on emotions/thoughts, and that it is totally OK to come back together in a few hours or a few days and talk things through.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
I have a great & healthy marriage with Mr. PINK - he is definitely NOT an alcoholic if anything he may be a little codie - lol
We rarely disagree - truly we don't ~ BUT when we are both tired and maybe frustrated about a few situations - we have trouble communicating. He may be thinking about one thing and assume I know what he is thinking about and my mind is on another subject. His frustrations & tiredness comes out sideways and snide, sarcastic comments can come out. Just as I can do the same thing when I focused on something and he ask me about a different matter. Hurting people hurt people - even if they don't always mean to ~
We are all human and don't always treat our loved ones as well as we should ~
I think the KEY to what helps us work is that - usually within a short while - either one of us will acknowledge the mistake, admit our part and make the amends.
In the beginning we didn't do this as fast as we do now, but we are learning each other - time together helps with that.
My Suggestion - deep breaths - look at what is your part, own it, but don't take on what isn't your part. Allow others the respect & dignity to own their part also.
Time does help heal those wounds from the past relationship - try to ask yourself ~ am I judging New Boyfriend because of XXX's past behaviors.
Just a few suggestions - take what you like or what might help and leave the rest ~
find what works for you! you can do this - you & your children deserve a new & happy life!
pink hugs!
We rarely disagree - truly we don't ~ BUT when we are both tired and maybe frustrated about a few situations - we have trouble communicating. He may be thinking about one thing and assume I know what he is thinking about and my mind is on another subject. His frustrations & tiredness comes out sideways and snide, sarcastic comments can come out. Just as I can do the same thing when I focused on something and he ask me about a different matter. Hurting people hurt people - even if they don't always mean to ~
We are all human and don't always treat our loved ones as well as we should ~
I think the KEY to what helps us work is that - usually within a short while - either one of us will acknowledge the mistake, admit our part and make the amends.
In the beginning we didn't do this as fast as we do now, but we are learning each other - time together helps with that.
My Suggestion - deep breaths - look at what is your part, own it, but don't take on what isn't your part. Allow others the respect & dignity to own their part also.
Time does help heal those wounds from the past relationship - try to ask yourself ~ am I judging New Boyfriend because of XXX's past behaviors.
Just a few suggestions - take what you like or what might help and leave the rest ~
find what works for you! you can do this - you & your children deserve a new & happy life!
pink hugs!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Illinois
Posts: 94
Thanks, everyone!
Mr. New Guy called me over lunch today to apologize for the way the conversation went last night and admitted that he was being overly sensitive. I tried my best to explain (without coming across as a complete and utter loon) that he needed to understand that after living with an A and the roller coaster that he created for 13 years, I started apologizing for everything in order to try to circumvent my XAH's mood swings. It was a defense mechanism. I told him that it was an area I needed work (and a butt load of patience) on. He was very understanding - I mean, he is divorced too. His ex was an emotional, violent train wreck - so he can relate. We agreed this is an area we can work on together.
After being married to an A for so long, I will have to say - new, normal relationships are very foreign. Sometimes, it actually makes me angry at my XAH that he couldn't treat me with decency. . . sometimes it makes me angry with myself that I tolerated such treatment for so long. After my first date, I actually cried when I got home. Not because it was a God-awful date, but because the man was so kind to me. Wow. . . talk about a moment I felt crazy!
But most of all right now I feel true, blissful, peace. I can deal with my own feelings - I think expecting myself to be perfect would be horribly unrealistic. But I am happy. My kiddos are happy and our environment is no longer chaotic. Every day I get a little bit stronger, and I've started to realize that you know what??? I DO deserve this. It is such a great feeling!
Mr. New Guy called me over lunch today to apologize for the way the conversation went last night and admitted that he was being overly sensitive. I tried my best to explain (without coming across as a complete and utter loon) that he needed to understand that after living with an A and the roller coaster that he created for 13 years, I started apologizing for everything in order to try to circumvent my XAH's mood swings. It was a defense mechanism. I told him that it was an area I needed work (and a butt load of patience) on. He was very understanding - I mean, he is divorced too. His ex was an emotional, violent train wreck - so he can relate. We agreed this is an area we can work on together.
After being married to an A for so long, I will have to say - new, normal relationships are very foreign. Sometimes, it actually makes me angry at my XAH that he couldn't treat me with decency. . . sometimes it makes me angry with myself that I tolerated such treatment for so long. After my first date, I actually cried when I got home. Not because it was a God-awful date, but because the man was so kind to me. Wow. . . talk about a moment I felt crazy!
But most of all right now I feel true, blissful, peace. I can deal with my own feelings - I think expecting myself to be perfect would be horribly unrealistic. But I am happy. My kiddos are happy and our environment is no longer chaotic. Every day I get a little bit stronger, and I've started to realize that you know what??? I DO deserve this. It is such a great feeling!
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