Nightswimming

I'm having a bit of a tough day (number 21 off the booze) with things and thought writing it down might help.

So a bit more of my story. I've now been off work for 6 weeks with low self esteem, anxiety and depression. I've suffered from anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember and it was diagnosed when I was 23 (I'm 28 now). I've been on Citalopram (SSRI) since being diagnosed with the exception of one period of around a year. I'm currently seeing a counsellor once a week for therapy.

I work in an unpleasant job by nature (insolvency accountant) and to be honest in the six years I've been in the career it has made me miserable and given me next to no job satisfaction. It has 'toughened me up' a bit and has allowed me to do is to take home a good salary and give me a comfortable life outside of work with 2 or 3 foreign holidays a year. I've also had 2 'breakdowns', 2 times where I seriously considered suicide and a 6 month bout of chronic fatigue during this period. As the years have gone on I started using alcohol as a coping mechanism more and more often. A three month cycle of drinking 6 cans plus of beer a night was only broken because I moved in with my partner a couple of years ago. Since then the alcohol abuse has been restricted to nights here and there but it has always been heavy. The last night before I quit was in excess of 30 units in one go sitting on my own in the house.

I always felt I had to give as much as I could to this career before I made a change and also had to be fully better from the chronic fatigue. To that end I changed jobs about 18 months ago to see whether working at another firm would help. At that point I had 'successfully' come off the SSRIs but the change of job sent me over the edge anxiety wise and my mood significantly deteriorated. I realised I needed to go back to the doctor when I found myself in my hotel room one morning lying between the 2 twin beds on the floor having a panic attack. The doctor put me back on SSRIs and things immediately improved anxiety wise but the depression has never lifted. This was in June 2012. Over the past few months the anxiety has increased again and I lost any interest I had in doing work while I was there, the stress built up from not being able to commit myself to doing the work, not being able to concentrate for more than 10 seconds at a time and I was making mistakes.

Although I have good friends in the office and people are friendly the firm has a culture of heavy drinking. Any night out involves everyone drinking as much free alcohol as possible. Hangovers during the week are laughed at instead of frowned upon and people cheating on partners is common and openly 'accepted' and discussed as office gossip. The work culture itself is competitive and in my view blame oriented.

My parents have been very supportive of me during my depression but are putting a bit of pressure on me to consider my plan for returning to work. My feeling is that I really want to get better both mentally and with my recovery from drinking alcohol and do not think returning to this job is going to help. I am not shy of working but I feel I have given attempt after attempt to make this career work for me over the past 6 years. I also worry going back to it will make me drink again. I would like to commit to getting better by starting something else that is less stressful and have some chance of enjoying. Is this running away? I don't know.

Wow that was a bit of an essay. As I say I just wanted to get things out and down on paper. Appreciated all the support so far!

EndGameNYC

A close friend of mine was recently laid off from a high-powered, high-paying job in banking. She'd be working at the bank for more than a dozen years. As time went on and the economy changed, she was given more responsibilities and, in turn, the job became increasingly thankless.

Towards the end, she was having sleeping problems every Sunday night due to having to go back to work on Mondays. Her Blackberry went off all day and night, weekends and holidays included. Some mornings, she'd have panic attacks and vomit before going to work. The job was ruining her life and damaging her health.

At first, she was extremely hurt and angry about the layoff. People higher up on the food chain at the bank called her, offered to help, and thanked her for the great work she did. The wolves in sheep's clothing didn't bother to call her. She got a great severance package (she knows where all the bodies are buried), and is now able to look at what she might like to do with her life, rather than sign right back on to all the chaos and misery. She goes to the beach, makes trips to the city, spends some time with me, and basically does as she places.

In short, this horrible event has opened up the doors to the possibility of a whole new life for her. It's often said and mostly true that we don't know how miserable we were until we stepped away from what it was that made us miserable. It's also true that we often can't know how better our lives can be until we're forced to do something different, and this new perspective often begins with a painful event.

Nightswimming

Thanks Endgame, that really helps. Having seen both my parents struggle with their jobs and depression, go back to them and then ultimately give them up I really have to consider whether that is the route I want to go down.

I'm not naive enough to think that all my problems (including abstaining from alcohol!) will be solved by changing what I do but I feel as though I have to give myself a chance at something that I at least have some interest in and might be easier on my mind in the long term.

least

I hope you can find some peace in your life.

lorelei

sending you a hug on a tough day x

Nightswimming

Thanks guys. SR and the people here are making the tough days that bit easier.

Mizzuno

I say why not change what you are doing. The environment that you were working in does not seem healthy to me, just from your description. We have to do things that make us happy. Sometimes we work in places that are not the right "fit" for us and we find ourselves miserable and deteriorating. If you can afford to take your time and find something else, I say go for it. If you can not afford to take time and you have to go back, then actively search for a new position. Do what you inherently know to be right for you.

EndGameNYC

There's all kinds of resources on the 'Net where people talk about the agony of being laid off, and then slowly finding a better life afterwards, with many reporting that it was "the best thing that every happened" to them. A lot of these folks are earning far less than they're used to, but are much happier nonetheless.

Though it's not true, there's a popular notion that the Chinese character for 'failure' is the same as that for 'opportunity', the message is still profound.

Nightswimming

I think I know that I need to make a change. Fortunately, I have some savings that will keep paying the rent and bills for a few months. Once I'm a bit further on with my recovery I think I'll try and speak to some agencies about temporary work initially and see what their thoughts are about my circumstances.

If I'm off from this job for more than 6 months my insurance kicks in and they will start paying 75% of my salary again. Not sure that it is the most positive thing to do to sit and wait around for the money. Decisions decisions!

Anyway as an 'aside'....yesterday was a really really rubbish day and and I DID NOT DRINK! Got myself a chinese to celebrate my 3 weeks and boy did I enjoy it!

SkyeSea

It's amazing how good food tastes when your tastebuds aren't fuzzled with booze isn't it

Nightswimming

Yep, I'm loving that I'm enjoying eating and it's not just something that gets in the way of wine consumption!

Nightswimming

Thought I would give a little update on the above. So after fretting for over a week, losing sleep and worrying most of the time (which took my mind off alcohol for sure!) I had a talk with my parents. I told them I was considering giving up my job and they were very supportive and I have now decided that is what I'm going to do. I'm going to find something that's less stressful and suits my personality better. I have no idea what that is going to be yet but will keep you posted!

There are both scary and exciting times ahead for me I'm sure but above all I'm glad to be doing making these decisions from a sober place.

Dee74

I'm glad things are looking up NS

D

MythOfSisyphus

No, getting sober doesn't solve all your problems. But it's impossible to truly make progress until you do. There's no problem you have that is genuinely improved by being an alcoholic. That's where you have to start.

Try to look at the job loss as an opportunity. For a few years I worked in collections, and I can honestly say it made me hate myself. It was good money but I felt like a parasite, living off the misery and misfortune of others. Losing that job was the best thing that ever happened to me, although it didn't seem like it at the time.

Good luck in your sobriety! SR is great support, so I hope you'll stick around.

Nightswimming

Thanks Myth, definitely planning to stick around. There's no doubt that the past few weeks sober have helped me think a lot more objectively about things. Have actually realised that I have the capacity to be interested in things and not indifferent to pretty much everything other than alcohol!