stickbyU

So my fiancé addict/alcoholic has been back from a 90 day treatment facility for almost 1 month. It's been going very good, he moved in with me and he's back to his job and going to AA meetings at least 3x per week, he has a sponsor that he's met with and talks to on a daily basis. This weekend his dad turns 50 and all his siblings are throwing a big party for him therefore family from out of town will be coming. Today he asked me if he could go out to a bar with his brother and a close cousin coming in from out of town on Friday. He said he would take his own car because that's what they teach them in treatment to be able to have a getaway plan if they find themselves wanting to drink. He says if I'm uncomfortable at all with the situation all I have to say is no. My question is, is it too soon? I understand that they are the ones who are going to make the initial decision to drink and there is nothing I can do to stop it, but is it smart to even be thinking about putting yourself in that environment? I also get that he needs "man" time and I don't want him to feel like he can't ever go hang out with the guys, especially his cousin who he rarely gets to see, but is it playing with fire??

Hammer

mho,

Bone Head Stupid.

But what is new, huh?

The more common caution (rather than "take your own car" -- which sounds Like TOTAL BS, and a set up for a DUI) is: Change your playmates, playgrounds, and playthings.

However, I am pretty certain your Alanon crew would suggest that you -- oh what the hell -- might as well be me -- you stay OUT of his sobriety . . . or lack of. Remember the three C's?

YOU:

Did not Cause it.
Cannot Cure it.
Cannot Control it.

When crap like this comes up at me -- I (now) say -- That sounds like something you really need to talk to your sponsor about.

If the little boy needs "man" time, there are always Men's AA Meetings. And they do not need bars and get-a-way cars. He can even invite his cousin to show him what he has been up to for 90 days.

Recovering2

Whew. My opinion: Yes it is too soon. No it is not smart to put himself in that situation. Yes it's playing with fire. He should be able to spend time with family and not have to go to a bar to do it. Family should recognize what he's been through and not go to a bar with him.

Now...here's the reality. My opinion doesn't matter. It is HIS recovery, so these are HIS decisions to make. He has a sponsor, that's who he should really discuss and talk this out with. The hard part for those of us who are with a partner new to recovery is we have to learn to "stay on our side of the street". It's not your job to tell him yes or no, you can't monitor his recovery. I would offer it's not right for him to put you in the position of making this decision for him.

I hope he makes the right decision for him. Whatever he decides, say the Serenity prayer and turn it over to your Higher Power.

Mountainmanbob

this is not recommended for most early in sobriety

think I would say "I would prefer that you don't go"

where there's smoke there could be fire ??

this would be considered going to a "very slippery place"
mainly due to his lack of real long term sober time

if I hang out at a barber shop
I will probably end up with a haircut

Mountainman

BoxinRotz

Are they not going to be *hanging out* at this party? Yes?

I think it's ridiculous that he would even entertain the idea of going to a bar, let alone jumping off a cliff.

marshy13

Just my opinion..
I agree, it seems like it's to soon. However, is he asking you because he feels the same and wants an excuse for his cousin? Iv been that excuse a few times "the wife's made other plans etc". Maybe he just needs a different idea rather than a bar.. Somewhere new he didn't used to hang out so he doesn't associate it with his drinking days. For example.. Nandos? Plenty of "man time" available there!

Good luck

BadCompany

Tell him to call and ask his sponsor.

Florence

There are about eighty things I was going to say that already got said on this thread so far: 3 C's, playgrounds/playthings, tell him to ask his sponsor. Also that homeboy needs to figure out how sober time and man time intersect before he tackles that slippery slope.

But like everyone else pointed out -- he's going to do what he's going to do. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying your piece ("Yes I think it's mind-bogglingly stupid. What does your sponsor say?") and then hanging back and seeing what happens.

And actually, I advise this going forward. I note you're not married to him? If I had to do it all over, I would have examined my desire to marry and make a life with someone that I knew lied to me as much as he lied to himself. I later found out he was an alcoholic, but the fundamental dishonesty should have been a deal breaker. And it wasn't. WHY NOT?

DragynLady

Don't tell him what to do. That's not your job. You can't protect him from life (god knows, I've tried). Ultimately, he has to make his own choices. You can't win with this decision. If you tell him you're not okay with it, he resents you for keeping him from his family. If you tell him you are, then you're responsible for giving him an excuse if he fails. Tell him to ask at an AA meeting, and ask his sponsor, not you. You're not the addict, he is. You can't be responsible for that.

RhodeIsland

Playing with fire is a continuing a relationship with an alcoholic who you do not believe is committed to recovery.

atalose

ditto everything said above.....

Memories from the past.....sounds like he is setting up/planning his first relapse.

The car thing sounds good - it's there if he decides to leave........but not going at all sounds even better.

If he's close to his brother and cousin they certainly should understand that spending some time with him should not involved a bar.

When my ex was thinking about/talking about places and people from when he was using, I learned he was playing on the tracks and it was just a matter of time before the train hit him.

BlueSkies1

What strikes me is that he even asked for your permission. Sorry, he's a grown up man. He shouldn't be asking your permission.
I would look him in the eye and say "Talk to your sponsor about how much of a trigger it will be, how you will handle it, and the two of you talk it through to come up with the right answer for you."
I'd probably also say "You don't need to ask my permission in life. You take the credit for when you handle your life well, not me."
Life goes on despite that he is in early sobriety. His family will still have their functions. They are not required to change anything they do, he is.

I personally think driving himself and planning to leave as soon as he feels uncomfortable in anyway is a good idea, if he goes.

Carol Star

The rooms say stay away from old playgrounds and playmates.......It will come down to the only thing between him and a drink is his higher power. Don't go to a barbershop unless you want a haircut. The disease does the stinkin' thinkin' thing- oh you can go to a bar, you can control it, you can have just one......you can go and not drink......think it all the way through.......to the BITTER end........As an addict I can tell you - WE don't think right.....as loved one you can't control it....... and yes- it will drive you nuts.......the disease is out there doing pushups.....and codependency will kill you too......Whatever you put in front of recovery you lose in the end......is it worth it to test it ? I can see the people that love me outside of drinking situations. I had 9 years sober and did not follow directions- relapsed- stayed out 5 years miserable- now have been back 9 yrs. and DO take direction.

dandylion

stickbyu---I agree with most of the others--just tell him that this is a subject to take up with his sponsor. His sponsor can handle it.

dandylion

lillamy

Appropriate response:
"Why are you asking me? You are an adult, it's your addiction and your recovery. I'm not going to be responsible for you going or not going. It's your decision."