Acheleus

So I cannot relax or think without wanting a drink and a cigarette. I am jealous of everyone in my school, I cannot believe in a higher power, and I cannot relate to anyone in the world. The bars close soon so I have stayed sober today, but I have no one face to face as a friend to talk to, i feel so tired all the time bc I cannot sleep at night. My bday is Sunday and I have no one to celebrate with. I think I am having a nervous breakdown bc I hate my life and all the HORRIBLE decisions I have made.

Blackcat11

Might wanna check out the thread by Keyweird from tonite called
The diagnosis is GRIM my friends--perhaps you do have some things to be grateful for--hope so!

Best

Dee74

Have you ever tried relaxation exercises Ach, or breathing exercises?

I find they were really useful for me - I used to worry and catastrophise about things and I'd genuinely begin to think that I would never get or feel any better ever (then of course I always did feel better the next day...)

learning to relax, and to divorce myself a little from my fears, really helped me, Ach

D

pumpkin1

Some of what you're feeling is caused by the withdrawal of the alcohol! It took me awhile to realize that the dread and the anxiety I was feeling day after day was a symptom of simply not drinking during the day and withdrawing only to start again at night. If you stop drinking for four or five days you will probably lose some of that despair you are feeling. It feels so good not to be paralyzed and hopeless! I hope you give it a try!

Acheleus

Thinking of what I have to be grateful for. Lots of work to do this week and stressed. My dad called today and I am grateful he is coming to see me this weekend so I will not be alone.

Imabuleva

It can always get worse on its own. You have to work for it to get better

digdug

Look. I totally get the loneliness. The isolation. The walls closing in because you feel so alone.

For stretches of my life, I had no friends. And when I did, I pushed them away. I had no one to talk to. No one to support me. I hated myself so I figured no one would want to be around me.

But at some point, you really do have to put yourself out there. For me, it's been AA. I made an effort to get to know people. Introduced myself, got numbers, and then called. All of this was so unnatural and uncomfortable but I did it anyway.

When I told people about my hip issues, I couldn't believe the amount of calls and texts I got. People were offering to pull strings at hospitals. To take me to lunch tomorrow. To visit me in the hospital. It feels amazing to feel wanted.

This is not an AA post. Just relaying my personal experience. So if that's not for you, find something at is. An intramural team. Some musicians to jam with. A book club. Something!

Recovery is uncomfortable. In order to succeed we have to do things that make us uncomfortable. The fact that you say you cannot relate to anyone means you aren't practicing. So you make a fool of yourself in front of someone. Worst case scenario? You don't talk to them again. It's not like you're talking to them now, so what's the difference?

I'm really not trying to be hard on you. I just know in my heart you have it in you to break out of this prison you're confining yourself to. Take what's yours. You DESERVE to have friends who care about you.

SR is such a great resource, but the internet can never be a substitute for the need for face to face human interaction we have evolved over thousands of years.

I believe in you.

Acheleus

I just assume that people do not like me. Whenever I was out at bars no one liked talking to me...But I guess that is because I was drunk.

Going to not worry so much, but I feel so strange. It has to be the alcohol, I felt so good when I had my 44 days of sobriety in June.

ScottFromWI

Assuming is dangerous. Basing your actions off assumptions is even more so. You already know people like you as well, so you are most likely wrong in your assumption to boot.

Acheleus

I have been feeling insecure because I was thinking of all the negative things in my life that were/are a direct result of alcohol. Two dwi convictions, loss of friends and a stable home because I left several colleges. Living with a girlfriend who I should not have been with. Being around people who abused me because it felt good to me to be insulted all the time.

I just want to be able to respect myself again. I have no happy memories because of alcohol, everything I have tried to do has been messed up by drinking.

hypochondriac

Sorry you are feeling down acheleus. I have trouble relating to people too. Could you not just go to an AA meeting just for the fellowship? It is really hard not to relate to people there. Or try and find a Smart meeting... You don't have to do this alone x

Acheleus

I am busy all day tomorrow but can go to an evening meeting. All I want is to surrender to alcohol, to admit that it beat me years ago and now whenever I drink I enter deep depressions that last for weeks.

ImperfectlyMe

Hey ach... Sorry you are still struggling so much with this sadness and anxiety. I know you went to a councilor so I have to ask, do you open up to them and share these feeling. Or are you just seeing a Psychiatrist. With most cases of depression there is more than meets the eye. You can take all the mood stabilizing SSRIs in the world, and have minimal improvement. In my opinion a good nurturing sit down and harsh it out type therapy plan would serve you well. It's almost Freudian but if you can figure out the parental relationship that has effected you most, and find a therapist that is of that gender, you may make more breakthroughs.
I hope you come to some self acceptance soon and let go of the past and the constant self talk about wrong doings and not enough. It has only served to stifle you. Get to know and love yourself!

Mentium

I apologise in advance if I have got this wrong but I am reading in your posts 'reasons' why you should drink, i.e. life is sh*t for this reason and that reason therefore drink. Actually there is only one reason for most of us here and that is because we are addicted and can't stop ourselves. Worth remembering that simple basic fact!

I see your reference to not being able to believe in a higher power. I can't either as it happens, but I do go to AA. I keep two or three basic ideas in my head when I go. Firstly that being face to face with fellow problem drinkers is a huge help and support, that the only requirement for membership is the desire to quit drinking and three that if I don't pick up that first drink all will be well. Simple. AA really is very simple at its core.

Good luck and keep it up!

Acheleus

I want to find a better counselor and psychiatrist. The ones I have now work at a big university center and they deal with LOTS of students, so I would rather work with someone who works with adults and fewer patients. Tomorrow I will call around town to find some help and try to schedule an appointment. I really don't know why I am so nervous, I just...Gosh I don't know, I guess it is the relapses that hurt, but I am just not drinking one day at a time, and that is the best for me. I cannot think about the future. All I want is a chance to get on my emotional feet.

Acheleus

I don't want sobriety to feel like I am doing time. I need the higher power, and I need AA. But I am in grad school and it sucks up all my time, I don't know if you all know how stressful it is, but mentally unstable people like me barely get by.

But yes, these are excuses. I'm exhausted all the time, but I am glad I did not drink today.

Kaneda8888

Are you taking any meds for your mental issues ?

FourSeasons

Hi Ache, Curious... when do you graduate from grad school?

Acheleus

I take buspar. I will be done this year.

Going to spend less time alone in my apartment online, going to just stay in the library and try to make friends at healthy places like coffee shops and stuff.

lorelei

sounds like a great idea, meet some new people, open up new paths to new places *hug* x