Arggg
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Arggg
So I finally get the nerve to call the hotline after a rough week and what do I do when the lady finally answers? I hang up, didnt even think about it, just did it. I am so over this, I want to just give up and sleep forever. I cant because of the little girl next to me but I want to soooooo bad.
I woke up to him going through my phone trying to break into my journal, he didnt drink last night so he couldnt sleep. Of course it makes me angry and his repsonse is to get mad. I ask why he felt such a need to see what was in there and he claims he thinks it holds the "Truth"!!!! Seriously, I mean seriously. I want to pack me and her up when he is gone and just leave. I need too, I have too yet I cant even find the courage to make one simple phone call. I feel defeated.........
I woke up to him going through my phone trying to break into my journal, he didnt drink last night so he couldnt sleep. Of course it makes me angry and his repsonse is to get mad. I ask why he felt such a need to see what was in there and he claims he thinks it holds the "Truth"!!!! Seriously, I mean seriously. I want to pack me and her up when he is gone and just leave. I need too, I have too yet I cant even find the courage to make one simple phone call. I feel defeated.........
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Thats very true, Sparkle. Im just so tired of baby steps, I am feeling very restless and anxious. Like I want to run or something. Hard to explain I guess, just frustrating. I am so tired of letting him control me. Again I see the progress I am making in more ways than one, I am being impatient with myself I suppose. He makes me nervous, his demeanor is changing, he doesnt even pretend to care now, he doesnt share any of his thoughts. Before he would have periods of "normal", that doesnt seem to exist anymore. Its nerve racking.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I've been there, sadconfused.
Give yourself some kind words right now. Be a good friend to you.
What a difficult situation you are in. He's occupying a lot of space in your head right now and that makes it awfully hard to think straight.
Can you get some space for yourself right now? With a phone? Can you call a friend?
I know one night I was so terrified of my husband I couldn't figure out what to do. Finally, I called a neighbor. She called the police for me and explained what was happening while I was on the other end of the line. It was 3 am. The police then talked to me. They told me that my being terrified of my husband of 17 years meant that there was something really wrong. They came and escorted him out of the house.
And then I didn't let him back in to that house ever.
I was so scared. It is super hard to make that first call. It's like breaking a pact you have with him. And it feels scary because it is risky and it changes things.
I am so glad I got him out of the house, honey. Sometimes they don't leave you any choice.
If you were being a good friend to yourself, what would you tell yourself to do?
Give yourself some kind words right now. Be a good friend to you.
What a difficult situation you are in. He's occupying a lot of space in your head right now and that makes it awfully hard to think straight.
Can you get some space for yourself right now? With a phone? Can you call a friend?
I know one night I was so terrified of my husband I couldn't figure out what to do. Finally, I called a neighbor. She called the police for me and explained what was happening while I was on the other end of the line. It was 3 am. The police then talked to me. They told me that my being terrified of my husband of 17 years meant that there was something really wrong. They came and escorted him out of the house.
And then I didn't let him back in to that house ever.
I was so scared. It is super hard to make that first call. It's like breaking a pact you have with him. And it feels scary because it is risky and it changes things.
I am so glad I got him out of the house, honey. Sometimes they don't leave you any choice.
If you were being a good friend to yourself, what would you tell yourself to do?
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
It really does feel like i am doing something wrong by telling people what I am going through. As much as I dont want to be with him, as mad as i am at him, i still catch myself defending him. My friend recently moved out of county, about 100 miles away actually and has asked me to come stay and help her paint. I really want to but i can only imagine the chaos it would create. He would flip out.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear sad---you are not the first woman to hang up the phone when trying to make that first phone call. some do it several times. But that is o.k. At least you dialed it--you just got scared. I think not knowing "what to say" or not knowing exactly will happen stymies a lot of people.
Really, you don't need to know exactly what to say--these people have lots of experience in these matters and they know what important questions to ask you. You will find them very sympathetic and they will not obligate you to do anything you don't want to do. And, they won't be judgemental. Their sole purpose is to find out how they can help you--and, to do so.
It might help if you would write a couple of simple intro sentences on a little piece of paper--just to get the first words out of your mouth---LOL--that is the hardest part!!. It might also to make a list of some of the things you want to tell them or to ask them---You don't have to do this, but it might help to get your thoughts organized a bit. They will know how to lead the conversation, in any case.
You can do this. You have a lot more courage than you realize.
dandylion
Really, you don't need to know exactly what to say--these people have lots of experience in these matters and they know what important questions to ask you. You will find them very sympathetic and they will not obligate you to do anything you don't want to do. And, they won't be judgemental. Their sole purpose is to find out how they can help you--and, to do so.
It might help if you would write a couple of simple intro sentences on a little piece of paper--just to get the first words out of your mouth---LOL--that is the hardest part!!. It might also to make a list of some of the things you want to tell them or to ask them---You don't have to do this, but it might help to get your thoughts organized a bit. They will know how to lead the conversation, in any case.
You can do this. You have a lot more courage than you realize.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
When I went to my first Alanon meeting, I pulled into the parking lot, put the car in park, sat there for 2 minutes until people started showing up, and then threw her in reverse4 and took off.
A week later, I went again, and stayed. One of the best things I've ever done.
You will do it when you need to do it. Sometimes, we just have to wait until we NEED to, and then we make that last ditch effort for some hope. Hang in there - we're all pulling for you, and know you will do what you need to do for a better life for your family. You are plenty strong enough, the timing is up to you. Take care!
A week later, I went again, and stayed. One of the best things I've ever done.
You will do it when you need to do it. Sometimes, we just have to wait until we NEED to, and then we make that last ditch effort for some hope. Hang in there - we're all pulling for you, and know you will do what you need to do for a better life for your family. You are plenty strong enough, the timing is up to you. Take care!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear sad--I just read your last post. Your feeling isn't that unusual--to feel like you are doing something wrong to tell what you are going through. You have not had much practice in knowing what your rights are. You, and everyone else, has a right to protect themselves--to do what is in their own best interest. It is wrong for anyone--ANYONE to block you from that right.
Remember that you are not doing anything against someone else when you help yourself. Most importantly you are helping your daughter--an innocent who can't help herself--what could be more right than that?
Please trust those of us who have your best interest at heart--because we have been there, also--when we say that you are not doing anything wrong. Quite the opposite!!
Hang in there. We will walk with you.
dandylion
Remember that you are not doing anything against someone else when you help yourself. Most importantly you are helping your daughter--an innocent who can't help herself--what could be more right than that?
Please trust those of us who have your best interest at heart--because we have been there, also--when we say that you are not doing anything wrong. Quite the opposite!!
Hang in there. We will walk with you.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Read this in Courage to Change over the weekend:
"Courage is fear that said its prayers"
You're scared right now, that's okay. Next time, say a prayer to your Higher Power to help you through the phone call. Then pick up the phone and make the call. Trust your Higher Power to be there with you. All you have to say is you need help...the caring expert on the other end of the phone will take it from there.
If it helps, picture all of us and your HP forming a circle of support around you. You can do this.
"Courage is fear that said its prayers"
You're scared right now, that's okay. Next time, say a prayer to your Higher Power to help you through the phone call. Then pick up the phone and make the call. Trust your Higher Power to be there with you. All you have to say is you need help...the caring expert on the other end of the phone will take it from there.
If it helps, picture all of us and your HP forming a circle of support around you. You can do this.
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Thank you all, I am going to keep trying I guess. I am struggling, mornings are the worse for me because he wakes up and spews I love yous and Im sorrys and it just pisses me off quite frankly. My emotions are all over the place but mostly I am empty, I am having a hard time in finding the strength to keep going. My days are so empty and lonely, I sit here with my daughter all day. If I go out anywhere I get called non stop or followed and it almost always leads to more hell to pay at night. Even if I sit here the nights are hell, even if he says nothing at all. I have no happiness anymore. I exist because I have too, not because I want to and that makes me even sadder. I dont feel like I have much of a reason to keep on other than her. Like an idiot I tried to explain this to him and only got a quick ok Im working, I got to go. I dont know why I expect any different from him, I dont understand why I feel like I need his approval. I feel like exploding, it shouldnt be this freaking hard to help myself and now I feel like a whiney little baby. My family and friends are sick of hearing it, I need to get over my damn pity party.
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
I really want to be that strong capable indepedent woman, I use to be that. I still get waves of it, its just hard. I know there is happiness to be had out there for me, Ive had it and I want it back. Like I said just struggling.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SadConfused--Dam* --I just wrote you a l ong post--and my computer ate it!!
I just want to say--this is the time not to give up. When you start some action on your own behalf, you will feel sooo much better!! Even if it is just small "baby steps'. You will feel more empowered--stronger.
Remember, that the "I love you's" after abuse (the night before) is part of the cycle of abuse. Don't let yourself be swayed by this. It is not uncommon for the victim of abuse to look to the abuser for understanding or love. In recovery circles, they say: "Don't go to the hardware store for a l oaf of bread". Don't expect sensitivity and understanding from him--you will just feel m ore disappointed.
You don't know how much courage you really have until you have to use it.
You can do this. Make that phone call...you will feel so much better for just h aving done it.
We have your back.
dandylion
Keep posting......
I just want to say--this is the time not to give up. When you start some action on your own behalf, you will feel sooo much better!! Even if it is just small "baby steps'. You will feel more empowered--stronger.
Remember, that the "I love you's" after abuse (the night before) is part of the cycle of abuse. Don't let yourself be swayed by this. It is not uncommon for the victim of abuse to look to the abuser for understanding or love. In recovery circles, they say: "Don't go to the hardware store for a l oaf of bread". Don't expect sensitivity and understanding from him--you will just feel m ore disappointed.
You don't know how much courage you really have until you have to use it.
You can do this. Make that phone call...you will feel so much better for just h aving done it.
We have your back.
dandylion
Keep posting......
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
I think you are right, I thought about it after I called and hung up yesterday. Even if I dont get anything from the call, I think just calling and talking will give me a lot of strength just for making the step and facing the fear of doing it.
Its weird I just really hate calling places of any kind, I hate talking on the phone or in person. I have a number to a counseling service here as well that does cost on a scale, still havent called. I dont get it, I want to get better so bad and have ways to do so yet I just cant make myself do any of it. Its silly cause its not like any of the people on the other end know me or whatever so I shouldnt feel so awkward. Guess that shows my self esteem issues. I am just really realizing that a lot of my problems are just that, Mine. No one can fix them, nothing he does or my dad does ever will, only I can. I feel like I almost never got that push to grow up and take responsibility for myself. I went from a controling A father, to what I thought was a safe loving relationship that turned into the much worse than my father ever was. I know I cant give up and of course I am going to find a way to get through this but the mornings kill me. Its hard to keep my head up sometimes.
Its weird I just really hate calling places of any kind, I hate talking on the phone or in person. I have a number to a counseling service here as well that does cost on a scale, still havent called. I dont get it, I want to get better so bad and have ways to do so yet I just cant make myself do any of it. Its silly cause its not like any of the people on the other end know me or whatever so I shouldnt feel so awkward. Guess that shows my self esteem issues. I am just really realizing that a lot of my problems are just that, Mine. No one can fix them, nothing he does or my dad does ever will, only I can. I feel like I almost never got that push to grow up and take responsibility for myself. I went from a controling A father, to what I thought was a safe loving relationship that turned into the much worse than my father ever was. I know I cant give up and of course I am going to find a way to get through this but the mornings kill me. Its hard to keep my head up sometimes.
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Also I would like to add that with you Dandylion, and Amy, and Sparkle Im not sure where I would be right now. I know I am not in the best of shape by any means but I am much better than I was and I owe a lot of that to the support and love you three have shown. Everyone here has been great but I can always count on one of you to say something that re sparks that desire to keep fighting to take back whats mine. Thank you <3, you will never know how much it really means.
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Wow, I did it. Called the national Dv, got a local number, called them and got a cell number to a women who is the outreach person for my county. I also called the counselling place. Completely easy, now I just need to call this woman which is scarier lol but YAY!!!!!!! Finally, I am kinda on a roll. It took me staring at a picture and blaring a special song in my headphones but yea. I made it. Now onto the next step, might as well call now while I am floating on silliness.
*Bummer I called and it went to VM, I was going to leave a message but he called in and I had to hang up. But I feel good, I want to keep going while I have the urge. Crazy how quick something so simple can flip my mood around.
*Bummer I called and it went to VM, I was going to leave a message but he called in and I had to hang up. But I feel good, I want to keep going while I have the urge. Crazy how quick something so simple can flip my mood around.
Taking back what is mine!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Ky
Posts: 277
Called her back and got VM again. I left a message for her to call me back anytime before 5 today or between 9 and 5 tomorrow. Heres to hoping she doesnt call back when he is around.
Overall I got nothing major accomplished but I feel better, I did it! I called and now I have 2 local numbers for centers here and her direct cell #. I didnt say much to either hotline I called, they asked if I was safe and if I had any other questions. I wanted to spill but didnt feel confident enough but maybe later. I am excited to possibly start some sort of counselling.Steps in the right direction. I feel good about myself even if it hasnt automatically changed anything.
Overall I got nothing major accomplished but I feel better, I did it! I called and now I have 2 local numbers for centers here and her direct cell #. I didnt say much to either hotline I called, they asked if I was safe and if I had any other questions. I wanted to spill but didnt feel confident enough but maybe later. I am excited to possibly start some sort of counselling.Steps in the right direction. I feel good about myself even if it hasnt automatically changed anything.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
