horriblethisis

My ex had drug addiction problems, and I stayed for 25 years before pulling away and divorcing. I have since met a wonderful man, generous, funny, loving companionate, nurturing – basically everything I have ever wanted in a man, BUT…errr…I think he may have a drinking problem. I have never been involved with someone who likes to drink. I am a pretty straight edge person who doesn’t drink much, so I never really know what “abnormal drinking” looks like. Would someone please enlighten me??? Last night, he had two scotch on ice, two wines and a beer. He 6’ 3” ant 265 pounds…so he was not drunk. He states that he doesn’t have a problem, “he just likes to drink, and can hold his liquor”. I love this man, but I don’t want to be in a difficult situation again. On the other hand, nobody is perfect. Am I being a fool and just starting my co-dependency AGAIN? When is drinking a problem? Someone please help me decipher.

honeypig

Hmm, I'd be wondering here too--good job picking up on this! "Just likes to drink and can hold his liquor", hey? I bet if we asked everyone here who has heard these words come out of their A's mouth, we'd see a forest of hands from Canada to Australia and California to Japan!

Regarding whether he is an alcoholic, I've heard the suggestion made that you ask him not to drink for a while and see what his response is. Of course, he may agree not to drink and just drink secretly--you already said he can put away a good bit and not show any signs, right?

Seriously, in your shoes, I think I'd back out--even if he does "just like to drink" now, I don't believe it would take much to tip over the edge into alcoholism. For example, I don't think most social drinkers would combine wine, beer and scotch in one night's intake. That, to me, is a mark of someone who is drinking primarily for alcohol intake and doesn't particularly care what the source is.

doggonecarl

Have you been dating long? Maybe he's being on his best behavior.

When I was dating my wife, she didn't know the extent of my drinking. I did most of it after we were apart for the evening. Once we got married though I had to tell her, "I just like to drink. Oh yeah, and I can hold my liquor."

Flavia2

Maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who drinks more than you are comfortable with. For you. Because date night isn't much fun when you are worrying and counting drinks.

Recovering2

I agree with Flavia2. Doesn't really matter if he's a bona fide A or not. If his drinking is a problem for you, it's a problem. Period. The fact that you're on a date and monitoring his drinking is a red flag.

Cyranoak

He's not much bigger than me. I drink. I do not drink that much-- not even close. In my opinion he has a drinking problem. It is precisely because he can "hold his liquor" that i believe this, along with my many years of experience with alcoholics.

If you choose to stay with this man, please consider becoming a member of Alanon. It will help you to be a happier person, and will also help you to understand how you ended up with another addict.

Take care and good luck.

C-

Hope4happiness

When I first my ex, we socially drank together - wine on the weekends with dinner, etc. But then it became a nightly thing, then it became a full bottle a night, or a 6 pack, etc. My ex never seemed drunk either and "could hold his liquor". He just liked the taste of it... When I told him I didn't like drinking as much as we were drinking and that it was killing my wallet and waisteline, he said he'd stop drinking for a while with me. Turns out the nights he was "working late" he was at a bar. After a year of this (and falling completely in love with the man who, on paper, fit my perfect man), he stole my credit card, had his car repossessed and blamed it all on being an alcoholic. He stopped drinking, but the lying and hiding continued.

I am not sure I would ever trust a man who makes booze so much a part of his life and gets defensive about it. Don't get me wrong. I like having a glass of wine here and there, and even drink too much on occasion, but if you told me tomorrow that I could never drink again, I wouldn't care that much. That is the kind of man I will look for in the future (when I recover from what my ex put me through).

My therapist has a saying: "when the fire alarms start going off in your gut, don't get a ladder and take out the batteries, RUN!" Are you fire alarms going off?

RhodeIsland

How often does he drink? 1xweek 2xweek 3x? 4? 5? how much?

Being defensive doesn't mean alcoholic - if I said I didn't like how much cheesecake the girl I'm with eats (I mean, she doesn't even like cheesecake but just for example) she might tell me to bugger off.

lizatola

He may or may not be an alcoholic. What others suggested here about looking at how YOU feel about it is key here. He sounds like my dad. I asked my dad once what his definition of a 'social drinker' was and he replied, "Oh, someone who drinks 6-7 drinks or less a night." 6??? 6?? I was like, "Wow, I can barely handle 2 glasses of wine and I know I'd not trust myself behind the wheel of a car and you say 6?" His response was, "Well, the wife and I trade off driving. On the nights when I drive us home, I only have 4 or 5, same with her."

Was my dad an alcoholic? I don't know. I just know that as he got older, he got meaner when he was drunk and I distanced myself from him because I didn't like who he was. My husband, on the other hand, binge drinks but has been classified as an alcoholic by 2 marriage counselors we've seen. My AH doesn't drink every day and can go a month or more without a drink. But, his behaviors are all there that match alcoholism.

I guess the answer can vary from person to person but we really can't label another person an alcoholic. We have to take a look at ourselves and see what are we comfortable living with, are we OK with setting boundaries with people when their behavior becomes offensive or a problem for us, and how do we feel about others' behaviors and attitudes when it comes to drinking? Maybe try a few Al Anon meetings and see how you feel? Honestly, if it were me and I were just coming out of a 26 year relationship, I'd probably back out of this one or take a very large step backwards and away for a while. I don't think I'd want to risk going from one destructive relationship to another. Only you can find the right answer for yourself, I encourage you to keep coming back and search your heart for the answer that is right FOR YOU!

GoingAlone2

I would look at how often he is drinking. If it was a one-time thing, then I might not be that concerned yet. If he's drinking that much every night or several nights a week, then you might need to be concerned. Also, if he knows it is a problem for you & he continues doing it then I would be concerned. My husband drinks way too much & he always says that he's not drunk & he doesn't have a problem. He's just stressed or trying to relax.