kwaka

Hello folks

So...my first post and all so do go gently...I am probably going to bore everyone with the same story you have all heard before...but I am done now and need to take some real action...but just not really sure where to start.

My Wife of 15 years is beautiful loving person that I care for deeply. She is highly educated extremely high functioning with a fantastic job great friends and a (mostly) loving family.....when she is sober.....

When drunk, the frequency of which is once again heading toward every night, she is frankly intolerable to be around. All the usual stuff I guess...shutting off from the family, getting very aggressive towards any attempt to ask her to stop, blames me for being a crashing bore and too judgmental (amoungst other things..its quite the long list once she gets up a head of steam) etc etc etc.

Tonight...I once again took off to work "late" after dinner as she drained one and cracked the seal of her second bottle of wine (actually I watch movies in my office until she has crashed for the night and then I go home).

Usually I make sure the kids are in bed and asleep before I run away from my marital problems but its the school holidays here and my daughter was up late as I left (she's 9 and my son who is away with a friend right now is 11).

It was the look on my daughters face tonight that stopped me in my tracks. She knew!! She's 9...how the hell can she know that her mother is going to be unpleasant to be around tonight...I know I'm making this next bit up but she might as well have said "you b***sted...you're leaving me to deal with her!".

It really broke my heart.

Just to be clear...there is no possibility of violence or any physical danger in our home....but how do you talk to a 9 year old about the Alcoholism of the most important person in her life without making things a whole lot worse??

Truth is my wife is right though....I love her to bits when she is sober but I AM judgmental, angry and very resentful when she drinks..I've always felt so guilty about those reactions...and now to add to it...I'm very scared about how to help my kids with this.

I'm not actually interested in "fixing" her problem to be honest..she's had plenty of chances and needs to own it...but I have now had my button pushed by my 9 year old...and I can no longer pretend this isn't deeply effecting our entire family.

What to do what to do??

So...any thoughts or reactions from those who have been there would be most appreciated.

Cheers
John

honeypig

Hi, Kwaka--welcome to SR. I'm certain others will be along with more detailed posts and more specific advice, but for now, I'd just like to say this: Alanon and Alateen.

Here's a link to help you find a meeting. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

If you are unable or unwilling to get your kids out of that situation, at least get some help for yourself and for them. Alanon and Alateen provide education and support for the family and friends of alcoholics, and that sure sounds like it includes your family.

You are absolutely correct, tho, that your AW has to fix her own situation, and you can't do it for her or make her want to do it. That's a pretty huge realization right there, so you've got a leg up on things in that regard!

Glad you found your way here--please read as much as you can and please do get to Alanon as soon as you can.

kwaka

Thanks honeypig

Thanks for your words (out of 15 years..it took me 13 of then before I got it that it wasn't my problem to fix...it wasn't an easy journey).

I appreciate the Al-Anon link and yes I have looked into it and there are meetings in my local area.

The complicating factor (there are so many of course...but this is the big one) is that my AW works in Mental Health (oh the irony!!) in our local community and there is a very high likelihood our family issues will become public if I rock up to our local church for a meeting...the very same one our kids go to school at.

I actually don't give a damn about what people think of me or our family you understand..its not about appearances...but my wife's professional standing would be compromised and I'm just not sure I can do that to her.

So I thought I would start here as a first step.

honeypig

Kwaka, with all due respect, I don't think that you are doing either your wife or her clients any favors by letting her continue to practice while she's an active alcoholic! And you are most certainly enabling her drinking by covering up for her in this way.

This thread might be helpful: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

By NOT getting help for yourself and your kids b/c you're afraid it will "compromise her professional standing", you are putting her alcoholism above everything else in your family. Is that what you want for your kids? Is that what you want for YOU? And again, is it fair to her clients/patients to let her continue to work when she is an active addict HERSELF? How crazy is that, when you think about it? Just b/c she doesn't go to work drunk (yet) doesn't mean she's unimpaired.

There are any number of people on this site who felt as you do, unwilling to "rock the boat." If you can, take some time to read thru as many posts as you can. I believe you'll recognize yourself, your AW and your family in some of them. And you'll see the gradual progression as they learn what they are up against and how to help themselves and their kids, if they have them. And if you are on the fence between continuing to protect your AW and protecting your kids (who DO KNOW), take a look in the "Adult Children of Alcoholics" part of the forum. I think it'll help you make up your mind about priorities and what path you want to take.

Also remember this: Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It will only get worse. You have nothing but more hell to look forward to if nothing changes.

jaynie04

I was the 8 year old oldest daughter who was left to fend with the mother who was drunk at home. She got sober when I was 13 but it did a lot of damage. I am now in recovery myself, and I have a daughter who is 8. The difference, I hope that my husband would take my daughter and leave me before I ever had the chance to do to my daughter what was done to me.

Abuse and neglect doesn't have to be overt, and the fact that your wife has a job in the community makes it even more confusing to the children. You can sort it out, they can't, nor should they have to.

I am 48 and still continue to deal with the fallout from PTSD of growing up in such a dysfunctional household. My mother started drinking at dinner every night and my father disappeared to let me deal with it.....your wife needs help, but until she gets it, it is not fair to the children to be left to shoulder the weight. I hope that you can find the support and advice here that you are looking for, welcome.

CentralOhioDad

Welcome, John, but sorry for what brought you here. We understand what you're going through.

I do have one question based on what I perceive you said: so, you leave the house every night to head to the office, thereby leaving a 9 and an 11-year old in the house with a drunk? Is that a wise choice for the children?

Yes, that helps your sanity - but what if the children need something, or something happens to the house, who is around who is responsible enough to care for them? Not a drunk, I can tell you that. And, your daughter most likely know how your AW is because she probably has witnessed her mother's deplorable behaviour when you weren't there.

Do you REALLY know what goes on between mother and children when you're not there because you've 'escaped'? You may not.

You may have perceived your daughter's look with 100% accuracy - wouldn't that be sad? And yet you still left.

I say this with the utmost concern for your and your children. Please think about that.

Blessings,
C-OH Dad

kwaka

Bloody Hell!

OK...I'm listening now....due respect is not required honeypig...a bone head is a bone head....

I have just been reading through other threads as suggested on the ongoing damage kids suffer being in these environments...and jaynie...your words really hit home.

This is a lot more serious than me just being pissed off because my wife drinks too much...I have a duty to my kids here...I think I see that now.

I'm going to that damn meeting and to hell with it. Man I am glad I found this forum.

Thank you
John

kwaka

No...its an awful choice...is the short answer.

I don't think I have had a real appreciation until this evening about what is actually going on in my family.

I run away to work to avoid having to deal with this crap night after night thinking I am doing the right thing by making sure they are safe in bed before I leave...but its a complete farce...I've just been ignoring the risk and hoping for the best.

What a dick.

jaynie04

John, they are lucky they have you, I wish my father had stepped up to the plate. I am glad you are here.

jazzfish

From an alcoholic's perspective, this was one of my wake up calls to get sober. I realized that I had been gambling with my kids safety. Drunk, I would have been completely incapable of responding to an emergency if needed. I would not have been able to drive them to the ER, or help them escape a burning house, or anything else. It was my responsibility to be there for my kids and give them the care they deserved.

I know what a difficult position you are in and I wish you all the best.

CentralOhioDad

Don't be so hard on yourself, John. Sometimes we need the swift kick in the drawers to open our eyes. You're here, you're looking for answers, you're open to ideas/suggestions. That to me sounds like you are wanting to do what's right, and that is commendable.

Make sure you take care of yourself, so that you can take care of the kiddos. But don't sacrifice the kiddos in the want of taking care of yourself.

It's a long, tough road we all face. But being on this Forum is a great place to start, and the support is awesome.

C-OH Dad

Sasha4

John you are not a dick. You are a sweetheart because you are here looking for help.

But that help is not going to be for your wife.
It will be for your you and your kids.
Your wife has to find help herself.
You can turn this around starting from tonight if you want.

Life can be hard when you have kids and a job.

Perhaps it is time to think about some new rules in your home?

A list of things that are not acceptable anymore.

I don't see why your wife gets to sit and drink in your house while you are away at the office.

Why not say to your wife drinking in front of the kids or while they are in bed is not on.
She can go to a bedroom or another room and drink alone but near the children.
Then you can be there for the kids in the evening, perhaps help with home work, make a supper and you sit and discuss their day and what they want to do? Make sure they get to bed with a kiss and a cuddle, rather than by themselves as their mother is drunk?

There are lots of men here, like you, who can advice and help, with no judgement as they have walked in your shoes before.

I wish you and your babies the best xxxx

kwaka

Thanks C-OH & everyone else

I can tell you I came here tonight looking I guess for a bit of "there there" and some advice on talking to the kids about alcoholism.....and the reality of my situation has totally come crashing down on me.

The realisation that I might have to make a real and difficult change to my life to do the right thing by me and the kids was not expected...its been a paradigm shift in my thinking and I am genuinely terrified about what this might practically mean. Every bone in my body is screaming at me to pretend its not happening....but I think I am getting it now. Its going to hard because it has to be hard but it also has to be faced regardless.

To keep ignoring it would be the height to stupidity.

I'll get to that Al Anon meeting next week.

CentralOhioDad

But, John, nothing has to be done "this very second" - remember that. Take time to breathe, to relax, to gather your thoughts. What's been happening didn't happen overnight - it won't be solved/resolved overnight. Right now you are more aware, your eyes opened more. Take what you knew, and now what you know, and work with that.

Beating yourself up over maybe not-so-good choices in the past, accomplishes nothing. Take some time to make a well-informed new path for you and your children.

Peace,
C-OH Dad

pinkdog

Dear kwaka, welcome. I suggest a talk with both your daughter and your wife (when she is not drinking). You can attend al-anon. The people there should give your advice for helping your daughter. If you leave for the office again, take your daughter with you. Love and prayers to you. Face this head-on. Alcoholism grows in the dark. Also a counselor for your daughter to talk to. I don't blame you for being angry. Anger is not the answer tho.

GoingAlone2

Dealing with a high functioning alcoholic makes the decision so much harder because it's like being married to two different people. Having someone that is so great when they are sober and then completely changes when they drink really plays with your mind. In my case, I'm starting to see that "drunk" personality slowing creeping into everyday life & I now see that is the progression of alcoholism. I'm in the beginning stages of figuring out what to do as well. Right now I am learning all I can about it, getting my mind straight, and starting to sort things out for my exit plan so I'm prepared if I decided to go that route.

pinkdog

Hi kwaka, Also there are meetings everywhere. You do not have to go to a local one. On a personal note, my father poured my mom's drinks down the toilet periodically. She would buy more. His lack of real action hurt my opinion of him. You can be the hero for your daughter. You really can. Love and hugs to you.

Recovering2

"Courage is Fear that has said its Prayers" Read that in "Courage to Change" this weekend when confronting some stuff I'm afraid of right now. These situations are so scary for us, but if we stay in the fear and do nothing..then nothing changes. Pray, hand it over to your Higher Power, and move through it.

I give you credit for seeking help, and for having the courage to look at yourself. Too often people blame the A, but we have to learn to look at our role in the situation. Your A is responsible for her drinking, you are responsible for your reactions to it. You have 2 young people who's lives are being affected by growing up in the disease. If you spend some time reading in the forum for adult children of A's it will truly open your eyes.

Don't worry about AlAnon. It is stated clearly in the meeting that what is said in those rooms stays in those rooms. It is also emphasized that we protect the anonymity of the A. You don't have to say who the A in your life is. You don't have to speak at all. We often refer to our A as our "qualifier". The meetings are not about the A in our lives, it is about US. You will learn to detach, to set boundaries, to protect your kids.

In the meantime, your daughter has sent a message loud and clear. Bless her for that. You're the adult, don't leave her to deal with it. Instead of going to the office, take the kids out for frozen yogurt. Or get a game out and play until you tuck them in. Be the adult they can depend on.

Big hugs to you. I do hope you find the courage to step through the doors of Alanon. Keep posting, we are all here for you.

Wavy

Just though I'd repost that since it bears repeating Anonymity is the founding principle, you'll find a very deep respect for that at AlAnon. No one wants their deepest feelings spread around the town, but they do want a safe space to share them, which AlAnon provides. It works surprisingly well But as Recovering2 said, you don't have to say anything at all if you don't want to, just go and listen until you feel you can trust people if that would make you more comfortable, there is no pressure to share.

I too was that 8 year old girl with a drunk Mummy and absent Daddy. I know the realisations of the reality of the situation can be tough, really tough, but now you know, you can do something different and you sound very willing to find out what that might be and then do it. No one can ask for more from you Good luck with trying that first AlAnon meeting. Let us know how it went!

whiskeyman

maybe its time to pack up the kids and go stay somewhere for abit