Death of an Alcoholic Parent
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Death of an Alcoholic Parent
Hi everyone. I'm Lindsay and I'm 26 years old- the adult child of a (deceased) alcoholic parent. I just joined today so I am new to this site. I just need somewhere to turn to. I grew up with an alcoholic parent- my stepfather. Although, growing up I didn't know he was my stepfather and he wast just 'dad'. He legally adopted me at the age of 2 so I have his last name and am legally his daughter. He was a drinker when my mom married him but things didn't escalate (at least to where I knew about them) until I was a pre-teen. Before that, it was a wonderful childhood. I looked up to my dad- he was my hero. We watched Star Wars together- that was always our thing. He was my favorite person in the world, I'd wait for him to come home to just run into his arms.
Then when I was 13 we moved to Wisconsin (we were living in Colorado before that) and his drinking spiraled out of control. He was verbally abusive and at times, physically abusive to my mother and me. But it was mostly just verbal abuse which was even harder to take. How do you explain to people the wounds that they cannot see on the surface? Our family didn't know, no one knew. It was our big terrible secret. I was so hurt that the person that was my hero could of turned into such a mean, terrible, vicious person. My love turned to anger and into a boiling hatred. I moved out the day I turned 18 and tried my best to have nothing to do with him after that. My parents moved back to Colorado when I was 19 and that's when things got even worse. His drinking started to affect his mind mentally- he would hallucinate, not know where he was, sleep walk, fall down stairs.... and I know there's much worse than my mother never told me. She finally found the strength to leave him 15 months ago. She had to leave most of her possessions behind- she came with what she could fit in her car. It was very traumatic for her and I was her biggest support system throughout all of this. My hatred for him was already strong and after hearing everything he put my mother through it was ten folds worse. I've been in the process of legally changing my last name and I had completely cut off contact with him. I probably hadn't spoken to him in 4-5 years.
After my mom left him we didn't hear much from him. A few phone calls of his screaming at her or begging to take him back. Then silence- for months- my mom tried finding him to arrange divorce but none of his cell numbers worked anymore. This Saturday my son, my mom and I were at my house when two policemen came to my door to notify me that he was dead. I think I was in a state of shock all weekend. He had been living homeless in parks, under bridges, in bushes for the past few months. His father and stepmother (big drinkers- just like he was) didn't even care to do anything about it until a few days ago due to the flooding in CO- they said they finally got worried and went to find him. He told them that he had quit drinking for the past 6 weeks. I find that hard to believe and we are still not sure if he was drinking or not. He was in poor health and very sick- the night he died he was vomiting continuously and they asked if he wanted to see a doctor- he told them no- and they just left him there alone to go out. They came home, didn't bother to check on him and found him dead the next morning. He died from some gastro intestinal thing- where the alcohol eats away your insides and you 'bleed out' as the coroner so eloquently put it. He died utterly and completely alone- and in extreme amounts of pain.
They told me that the only thing he had on him (oh, besides the family dog my mom had to leave behind when she left... he kept our dog with him throughout all that) was tons of pictures of me. Pictures of me as a child, recent pictures of me and my son. They said they were very creased and wrinkled- like he looked at them all the time.
I am just a wreck. I have spent the entire night (since my son went to bed) sobbing. I was in shock all weekend- I didn't cry once until late last night. How do you grieve for someone you spent so many years HATING? I don't know how many times I told my mom that I wished he would die- that I would celebrate if he did die. And now that he's dead... I am devastated. I didn't want this- I didn't want this at all. I'm feeling guilty and just emotionally torn apart. I don't know how to grieve in this situation. I feel like all my anger died along with him. Maybe I should of tried to reach out to him after my mom left. Maybe he would of listened to me? But he never did before.
Anyone experience something similar to this? I just don't understand why I'm so upset. I thought I had completely removed any positive feeling towards him from my mind and soul. I thought I was over this. I thought I had given up on the good memories and given up on him- to the point that it didn't bother me anymore. Well, I guess not. I just wish we could have made amends. I wish I could of talked to him one more time.
If this is way too long and rambling- I apologize. I've been crying while I've been writing this and I just don't know where my head is.
Then when I was 13 we moved to Wisconsin (we were living in Colorado before that) and his drinking spiraled out of control. He was verbally abusive and at times, physically abusive to my mother and me. But it was mostly just verbal abuse which was even harder to take. How do you explain to people the wounds that they cannot see on the surface? Our family didn't know, no one knew. It was our big terrible secret. I was so hurt that the person that was my hero could of turned into such a mean, terrible, vicious person. My love turned to anger and into a boiling hatred. I moved out the day I turned 18 and tried my best to have nothing to do with him after that. My parents moved back to Colorado when I was 19 and that's when things got even worse. His drinking started to affect his mind mentally- he would hallucinate, not know where he was, sleep walk, fall down stairs.... and I know there's much worse than my mother never told me. She finally found the strength to leave him 15 months ago. She had to leave most of her possessions behind- she came with what she could fit in her car. It was very traumatic for her and I was her biggest support system throughout all of this. My hatred for him was already strong and after hearing everything he put my mother through it was ten folds worse. I've been in the process of legally changing my last name and I had completely cut off contact with him. I probably hadn't spoken to him in 4-5 years.
After my mom left him we didn't hear much from him. A few phone calls of his screaming at her or begging to take him back. Then silence- for months- my mom tried finding him to arrange divorce but none of his cell numbers worked anymore. This Saturday my son, my mom and I were at my house when two policemen came to my door to notify me that he was dead. I think I was in a state of shock all weekend. He had been living homeless in parks, under bridges, in bushes for the past few months. His father and stepmother (big drinkers- just like he was) didn't even care to do anything about it until a few days ago due to the flooding in CO- they said they finally got worried and went to find him. He told them that he had quit drinking for the past 6 weeks. I find that hard to believe and we are still not sure if he was drinking or not. He was in poor health and very sick- the night he died he was vomiting continuously and they asked if he wanted to see a doctor- he told them no- and they just left him there alone to go out. They came home, didn't bother to check on him and found him dead the next morning. He died from some gastro intestinal thing- where the alcohol eats away your insides and you 'bleed out' as the coroner so eloquently put it. He died utterly and completely alone- and in extreme amounts of pain.
They told me that the only thing he had on him (oh, besides the family dog my mom had to leave behind when she left... he kept our dog with him throughout all that) was tons of pictures of me. Pictures of me as a child, recent pictures of me and my son. They said they were very creased and wrinkled- like he looked at them all the time.
I am just a wreck. I have spent the entire night (since my son went to bed) sobbing. I was in shock all weekend- I didn't cry once until late last night. How do you grieve for someone you spent so many years HATING? I don't know how many times I told my mom that I wished he would die- that I would celebrate if he did die. And now that he's dead... I am devastated. I didn't want this- I didn't want this at all. I'm feeling guilty and just emotionally torn apart. I don't know how to grieve in this situation. I feel like all my anger died along with him. Maybe I should of tried to reach out to him after my mom left. Maybe he would of listened to me? But he never did before.
Anyone experience something similar to this? I just don't understand why I'm so upset. I thought I had completely removed any positive feeling towards him from my mind and soul. I thought I was over this. I thought I had given up on the good memories and given up on him- to the point that it didn't bother me anymore. Well, I guess not. I just wish we could have made amends. I wish I could of talked to him one more time.
If this is way too long and rambling- I apologize. I've been crying while I've been writing this and I just don't know where my head is.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
So sorry to hear about your loss. Truly horrible situation.
It sounds like he really loved you, especially with the fact that he kept those photos close.
I can tell you with certainty that even in my darkest days, I really cared about and loved my kids too, but when I was so totally addicted, I couldn't express it properly, and didn't know how to get out of what I felt was an impossible hole I had gotten into. I knew I was doing wrong by them, and that was probably the most painful thing. Even knowing all that, I just couldn't stop for a long time.
It's great that you have joined this site. Lots of very kind and understanding people here.
It's a horrible illness, but know that it's not anything that you could control or do anything to prevent.
Again, I'm sorry for your loss, i hope you find peace in time with this. I'm sure others will be along to share their experiences and hope with you.
It sounds like he really loved you, especially with the fact that he kept those photos close.
I can tell you with certainty that even in my darkest days, I really cared about and loved my kids too, but when I was so totally addicted, I couldn't express it properly, and didn't know how to get out of what I felt was an impossible hole I had gotten into. I knew I was doing wrong by them, and that was probably the most painful thing. Even knowing all that, I just couldn't stop for a long time.
It's great that you have joined this site. Lots of very kind and understanding people here.
It's a horrible illness, but know that it's not anything that you could control or do anything to prevent.
Again, I'm sorry for your loss, i hope you find peace in time with this. I'm sure others will be along to share their experiences and hope with you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Lindsay 714,
I understand completely what you are feeling. My father never was close to me and in fact never ever hugged me or told me that he loved me and he was my biological father! I am so happy that you did get to experience a normal loving relationship with your dad before his alcoholism changed him into the dark person you had to break ties with.
My father like yours progressively became very cruel and vindictive to all of us in our family... he killed my pet poodle and even shot guns at us while drunk. He would threaten to burn us all out while we slept, pretended to commit suicide. We lived in terror my entire childhood.
Yet... I know the twisted soul loved me in some perverse and bizarre way. He never said it, never acted it... but he loved me.
However, he was entirely toxic and dangerous as was your father figure. And both your dad and my dad DID know right from wrong and each had the power to become sober within and a Higher Power to help if they had made that choice to change.
Neither you nor I nor your mom nor mine had any influence on those choices made by our loved ones that were alcoholic. You couldn't have saved him from his choices and your wishes that he die had NO BEARING on the outcome and his chosen destiny. You did the right thing by removing yourself from the insanity and even danger of trying to deal with an active alcoholic.
You can grieve the loss of someone who did love you however love wasn't enough... it never is. He loved alcohol more... he wanted to check out from the responsibility of right relationships that give equally and instead chose the path of utter selfishness and pursuit of the drink.
It is so very, very sad. My father drove everyone away just like your dad. He died alone of acute alcoholism. It is sad. But it is not your fault. You my dear are a survivor and everything you did to protect yourself was the right thing to do.
Know you were loved and you were worthy and deserving of love. Remember those times as gifts. I have a few fond memories of my father and I cherish those. We cannot change what we cannot change and we cannot change or choose for others... we all have that freedom.
Please set yourself free from these intense feelings of guilt and pain... mourn but mourn with your head held high because God was always with him and he always could have changed his direction and TRUE LOVE would have done so. I truly believe every alcoholic can find their way out if they so choose to do whatever it takes...
I hope that helps... prayers your way.
I understand completely what you are feeling. My father never was close to me and in fact never ever hugged me or told me that he loved me and he was my biological father! I am so happy that you did get to experience a normal loving relationship with your dad before his alcoholism changed him into the dark person you had to break ties with.
My father like yours progressively became very cruel and vindictive to all of us in our family... he killed my pet poodle and even shot guns at us while drunk. He would threaten to burn us all out while we slept, pretended to commit suicide. We lived in terror my entire childhood.
Yet... I know the twisted soul loved me in some perverse and bizarre way. He never said it, never acted it... but he loved me.
However, he was entirely toxic and dangerous as was your father figure. And both your dad and my dad DID know right from wrong and each had the power to become sober within and a Higher Power to help if they had made that choice to change.
Neither you nor I nor your mom nor mine had any influence on those choices made by our loved ones that were alcoholic. You couldn't have saved him from his choices and your wishes that he die had NO BEARING on the outcome and his chosen destiny. You did the right thing by removing yourself from the insanity and even danger of trying to deal with an active alcoholic.
You can grieve the loss of someone who did love you however love wasn't enough... it never is. He loved alcohol more... he wanted to check out from the responsibility of right relationships that give equally and instead chose the path of utter selfishness and pursuit of the drink.
It is so very, very sad. My father drove everyone away just like your dad. He died alone of acute alcoholism. It is sad. But it is not your fault. You my dear are a survivor and everything you did to protect yourself was the right thing to do.
Know you were loved and you were worthy and deserving of love. Remember those times as gifts. I have a few fond memories of my father and I cherish those. We cannot change what we cannot change and we cannot change or choose for others... we all have that freedom.
Please set yourself free from these intense feelings of guilt and pain... mourn but mourn with your head held high because God was always with him and he always could have changed his direction and TRUE LOVE would have done so. I truly believe every alcoholic can find their way out if they so choose to do whatever it takes...
I hope that helps... prayers your way.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I am so deeply sorry for your pain Lindsay. Alcoholism is a horrible disease that can ravage and destroy even the most beautiful people.
Please find an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting in your area. To be around those who understand our pain has truly saved my life.
Hugs to you.
Please find an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting in your area. To be around those who understand our pain has truly saved my life.
Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
Lindsay,
I am so sorry. Your story is truly heartbreaking!
I know from my own experience with my exabf that I hate him one minute, and then forgive and mourn him the next. I think the blend of emotions is very normal when dealing with an alcoholic. It can make you feel crazy so be compassionate with yourself about it.
Maybe you could try reminding yourself that what you really hated about your step-father was his behavior. You needed to get his toxic behaviour out of your life and the hatred you felt for him facilitated that. That's self-preservation!
As for your present grief, be grateful for your strong feelings. These feelings are also serving you by releasing you from your anger and showing you that underneath it all, you loved him. He obviously loved you too, very much. The love was just buried underneath the devastating and powerful disease of alcoholism.
Your story is beautiful to me in the saddest of ways. The vision of your step-dad drunk, homeless, and clutching photos of you is so moving. Of course you have been crying your eyes out.
Hugs
I am so sorry. Your story is truly heartbreaking!
I know from my own experience with my exabf that I hate him one minute, and then forgive and mourn him the next. I think the blend of emotions is very normal when dealing with an alcoholic. It can make you feel crazy so be compassionate with yourself about it.
Maybe you could try reminding yourself that what you really hated about your step-father was his behavior. You needed to get his toxic behaviour out of your life and the hatred you felt for him facilitated that. That's self-preservation!
As for your present grief, be grateful for your strong feelings. These feelings are also serving you by releasing you from your anger and showing you that underneath it all, you loved him. He obviously loved you too, very much. The love was just buried underneath the devastating and powerful disease of alcoholism.
Your story is beautiful to me in the saddest of ways. The vision of your step-dad drunk, homeless, and clutching photos of you is so moving. Of course you have been crying your eyes out.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Dear Lindsay,
I am so sorry. How very very sad, for all of you.
Sometimes their disease gets them in such a bad way, that the only thing you can do is to get away, escape from the madness, to not watch them self destruct, to not let them destroy you too. Sometimes you just have no choice, and that sounds like how it was for you.
There was nothing you could do, to make him stop. We don't have that power, no matter how much they love us, it has to be them- their choice. Some quit, some don't . And it is so very frustrating and heartbreaking , when they do not get help.
It sounds like your dad loved you very much. I would think that it gave him comfort, during his toughest times, to have had those pictures with him. I think it safe to say he gave you some wonderful memories to hold dear as well.
It made more sense to me, to be angry at the disease, than at my parents, who both died early from alcoholism. I was angry for so long, even wishing them dead. They were not themselves, while drinking, but monsters who made my life miserable.
It helped me a lot, to go to ACA meetings-adult children of alcoholics. It helped me to work through the anger, and to understand myself, and how alcohol affected me.
I am so sorry, for your loss. Your dad is at peace now. No longer a prisoner of alcohol, no longer unhappy. Try to remember the love. Because it was real. But so is the disease and the hold it can have over them. He no doubt had demons other than his own drinking, since his parents both abused it as well.
Take care of yourself. I am sure that your dad would want you to do that, and to be able to remember the good times, and hold them near, to help your heart to heal. It speaks loudly of his love for you, that he kept your pictures nearby, for the comfort it brought him to think of you.
sincerely sorry, and prayers for peace for your heart.
chicory
I am so sorry. How very very sad, for all of you.
Sometimes their disease gets them in such a bad way, that the only thing you can do is to get away, escape from the madness, to not watch them self destruct, to not let them destroy you too. Sometimes you just have no choice, and that sounds like how it was for you.
There was nothing you could do, to make him stop. We don't have that power, no matter how much they love us, it has to be them- their choice. Some quit, some don't . And it is so very frustrating and heartbreaking , when they do not get help.
It sounds like your dad loved you very much. I would think that it gave him comfort, during his toughest times, to have had those pictures with him. I think it safe to say he gave you some wonderful memories to hold dear as well.
It made more sense to me, to be angry at the disease, than at my parents, who both died early from alcoholism. I was angry for so long, even wishing them dead. They were not themselves, while drinking, but monsters who made my life miserable.
It helped me a lot, to go to ACA meetings-adult children of alcoholics. It helped me to work through the anger, and to understand myself, and how alcohol affected me.
I am so sorry, for your loss. Your dad is at peace now. No longer a prisoner of alcohol, no longer unhappy. Try to remember the love. Because it was real. But so is the disease and the hold it can have over them. He no doubt had demons other than his own drinking, since his parents both abused it as well.
Take care of yourself. I am sure that your dad would want you to do that, and to be able to remember the good times, and hold them near, to help your heart to heal. It speaks loudly of his love for you, that he kept your pictures nearby, for the comfort it brought him to think of you.
sincerely sorry, and prayers for peace for your heart.
chicory
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 3
Thank you everyone for your kind words and thoughts. I am really glad I posted here- your responses have really helped me. It's hard to explain how you're feeling to people that don't understand addiction. Many of my friends, I get the feeling, can't figure out why I'm so upset. They're thinking- "Well you always said you hated him, why do you care?"
Things are not so black and white. Things are not so simple. I think I will check out the ACA meetings. Maybe that would help. Is that the same thing as Al-non or is that a different group? Do you have to speak the first time you go? I'm not sure if I'd be able to be so personal in front of people- the internet is easier because you hide behind your computer. But maybe I really should, I need to talk to people who understand. My mom is heading in good place with her grief, he put her through so much hell, she doesn't want to deal with anymore. I am happy for her, that she is trying to put it past her. But I feel like I am stagnant in my grief, not moving forward, just sitting on it.
I like to write as a hobby so I've been writing in my blog (such a dork, I know) to get things out. It's been helping.
Things are not so black and white. Things are not so simple. I think I will check out the ACA meetings. Maybe that would help. Is that the same thing as Al-non or is that a different group? Do you have to speak the first time you go? I'm not sure if I'd be able to be so personal in front of people- the internet is easier because you hide behind your computer. But maybe I really should, I need to talk to people who understand. My mom is heading in good place with her grief, he put her through so much hell, she doesn't want to deal with anymore. I am happy for her, that she is trying to put it past her. But I feel like I am stagnant in my grief, not moving forward, just sitting on it.
I like to write as a hobby so I've been writing in my blog (such a dork, I know) to get things out. It's been helping.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I am so very sorry that you're going through this. Alcoholism is such a horrible disease, it wreaks havoc on good people. I agree that I would hang on to the fact that your Dad loved you, he just couldn't love himself enough to overcome the disease. If love was enough, there would be no alcoholics...they'd all be sober.
ACA is a part of AlAnon. The beauty of those meetings is it's about you. So there are no expectations for your participation. You decide that. If you never want to talk, then don't. You don't have to say who the alcoholic is in your life. As you become more comfortable, you may find yourself talking. But it's not required.
I pray for you as you move through this grief. Your Dad's struggles are over, he's at peace.
ACA is a part of AlAnon. The beauty of those meetings is it's about you. So there are no expectations for your participation. You decide that. If you never want to talk, then don't. You don't have to say who the alcoholic is in your life. As you become more comfortable, you may find yourself talking. But it's not required.
I pray for you as you move through this grief. Your Dad's struggles are over, he's at peace.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Hi Lindsay,
Thank you for your post today...I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
As Recovering said, ACA is part of Al-Anon. You can search via their website for meetings in your area or just google. Sometimes the meetings will note they are for Adult Children, but you can attend any meeting and will likely find someone with a similar experience or someone in the group may be able to refer you to an Adult Children focused meeting. If you need to, have a close friend or family member come with you for added support.
If I can get it to work, here is the link...http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Also...the writing is great. A lot of times, posters here will work out their own issue while writing it out. Please continue to read & post here, I hope you will find the comfort so many of us have by communicating with others who have similar experiences.
Thank you for your post today...I am so very sorry for your loss. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
As Recovering said, ACA is part of Al-Anon. You can search via their website for meetings in your area or just google. Sometimes the meetings will note they are for Adult Children, but you can attend any meeting and will likely find someone with a similar experience or someone in the group may be able to refer you to an Adult Children focused meeting. If you need to, have a close friend or family member come with you for added support.
If I can get it to work, here is the link...http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
Also...the writing is great. A lot of times, posters here will work out their own issue while writing it out. Please continue to read & post here, I hope you will find the comfort so many of us have by communicating with others who have similar experiences.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
I feel like all my anger died along with him.
Now that she's gone, I wish I would have spent more time with her. And I swear, I have said the very words I quoted above! I feel like everything between us that was not good went with her. I like to see it as her gift to me, that I don't remember her as a spiteful woman while here on earth. We had a mutual disliking for each other but I can tell you right here right now that I would do anything for her to be alive and I'd tell her I love her so much!
I miss her terribly and I am so glad that she took all that sh*t with her and left me with good memories of her.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz 
I feel like everything between us that was not good went with her. I like to see it as her gift to me
Again, thank you all for such supportive words. It really helps right now to talk to people that understand.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Hi Lindsay;
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I was not raised by alcoholic parents so I have nothing more to add to the wonderful comments. However, I have been a member of this site for two months and it has been so very very healing for me. I have never felt so understood and heard than this site. Keep writing and reading and coming back.
Carrie
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I was not raised by alcoholic parents so I have nothing more to add to the wonderful comments. However, I have been a member of this site for two months and it has been so very very healing for me. I have never felt so understood and heard than this site. Keep writing and reading and coming back.
Carrie
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