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Lost custody of my children.

Old 09-23-2013, 10:04 AM
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Lost custody of my children.

I have been divorced since 2009, and since, remarried a wonderful man. The divorce was inevitable for other reasons than my horrible drinking habits, but the drinking and my horrible behavior due to my drinking ultimately cost me the most consequential loss in my life. I am a mother of 2 children who are primarily with their father because of things I did that were horrible while I was drunk. I never harmed my children but I was not a capable mother. I never thought I would survive the loss. I still get dizzy every time I hear a child cry; from missing my own. I re-married shortly after my divorce to a man who is so different than my first husband but now my husband is my drinking buddy; an enabler; and I enable him, too. We have been married 3 years and over the last 6 months, I have increased my drinking due to life stresses and worries; had a couple of blackouts and was very unkind to my husband. I'm a mean drunk; but folks always say how sweet I am. And I am, I am a good person, but I'm a mean drunk. My husband is an alcoholic, as well; although he is not a mean drunk. He just drinks a lot of beer. We enjoy drinking. Except when I get mean, which I never know when that will happen. I quit drinking for 3 years while I was married to my first husband. The day I fell off the wagon was what lost me my kids. I have decided to stop, for good. I see a pattern, again. I love my husband so much. I do not want to hurt him. Or me; and most importantly, I do not want to jeopardize the allotment of precious time I do get with my sweet babies (ages 7 and 10) or any chance I may have in the future of getting more visitation with them. On my first date with my current husband, we drank in excess. What if I am not fun to him any more? What if I bore him. And my friends all drink. I can 't remember how I dealt with all of this before. I'm scared, but excited. I have a feeling that if I do not stop, something terrible will happen again. I think I am working on borrowed time. I have not gone to any meetings since I quit the first time. thanks for listening----- meg
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Old 09-23-2013, 10:09 AM
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You need to do this for you. Maybe his drunkeness will bore you when you are sober?
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Old 09-23-2013, 10:10 AM
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Hugs. You've got a lot on your plate. I think your questions are honest and good ones.

Getting sober will affect your relationship with your husband. No one can say how. I've been on this forum a long time and I've heard every sort of variety of outcome as far as marriages when one or both partners get sober. So don't count out the possibility that things could improve there.

I will say that as a mother of three myself, I think that trumps everything. Every other relationship or concern. Not only because of the deep love we have for our children but because of the real responsibility we have to do the best we can by them. Getting sober can only help your children. I do believe that is the priority.

I'm glad you are here, there are many people here with experiences similar to yours who can offer support, and all of us here are on the journey of recovery.

You can do this and it will be worth it.
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Old 09-23-2013, 10:10 AM
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Welcome to SR tryinghard.

A lot of things you have gone through the last year. I am sorry about your children, such things are difficult.

I think many of us have seen that alcohol just came with to high a cost, it was not worth it.
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Old 09-23-2013, 10:14 AM
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Hey meg,

Yknow he could see you sober and realise what good it can do, he could walk out of your life and he could stay and keep drinking, whatever the outcome, you need to stop, you know that, you dont want to lose anymore, lay the cards on the table for him. Be honest tell him you need to stop. And keep posting, there'll be many in your shoes that can help you, but you need to take the first step. L x
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Old 09-23-2013, 10:44 AM
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Sorry to hear of your struggles TryingHard. I'm glad you've decided to try and quit drinking again, it sounds like that will be the best choice for you going forward. SR is a great place to find support in your quest for sobriety. It is my main tool to stay sober.

Regarding your husband, what is your biggest fear - that he will leave because of you getting sober? Or somehow resent you for getting sober? The bottom line is that it's just as likely that he will leave you or resent you for your "bad" outbursts when drunk, and most likely those will increase in frequency if you keep drinking. So you need to worry about getting sober for yourself first - everything else will fall into place as that happens. Be 100% honest about your intentions, and you'll be amazed at how much good getting ( and staying ) sober can do for your life.

Best wishes and stay with us here on SR.
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Old 09-23-2013, 11:49 AM
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to the family! I'm sorry for your current circumstances but glad you found us. You'll find a lot of support here.
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Old 09-23-2013, 01:22 PM
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You have to do this for you (first of all), then for your children (trust me, soon they'll be 13 and 16 and they'll stay away if they want to or follow you if they think it looks fun) and last of all you think about him.
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Old 09-23-2013, 04:00 PM
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Meg I'm an addict. I have three kids. They don't live with me. Due to situations that occurred during my addiction it's what was best for them. I'm clean for about a year and half. A baby crying sets me off into tears, a baby laughing, a kid yelling mommy in a store. It hurts. It's the worst pain ever. I understand more than anyone. Me personally, I want my kids to look up to me. I want them to love me. I don't want them to resent me. That really helps me to stay focused.

I just wanna give you a cyber hug from one mom to another. I hope you stick around. I really do.
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Old 09-23-2013, 04:39 PM
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Welcome!

I also agree that recovery will change your relationship with your husband. I think recovery changed everything about me, but it certainly changed the relationships with those closest to me. You never know how things will turn out, but recovery is the only way to go.

I'm so sorry that you have lost your children. The pain must be enormous. I hope that you stay focused on your recovery.
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Old 09-23-2013, 05:21 PM
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Welcome Meg! I'm glad you found us. This is a wonderful place where we all understand each other. For this lifetime drinker, it was a miracle. Once I knew I wasn't alone I found the courage to change.

I'm glad you're taking a hard look at what alcohol has done to your life. I never wanted the party to end - it had once been so much fun and a nice escape. At the end of my drinking days, I tried to hold on to that feeling, but it was gone - and never coming back. I couldn't magically turn into a social drinker. Every time it got in my system there was an unpredictable outcome. As you said, you never know when you'll turn 'mean'. That's why I had to stop all together - I couldn't stand the uncertainty of it.

I'm sorry for the heartache you've experienced. I hope you will stay with us and continue to talk about your recovery. We care.
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Old 09-23-2013, 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Tryinghard1974 View Post

I have a feeling that if I do not stop, something terrible will happen again. I think I am working on borrowed time.
just from my past experience with the bottle
when I had thought such as yours
they were usually right
something worse was just around the corner
please - put the breaks on while you still can
it just seems to not get better if alcoholic such as myself

many of my friends who are now in recovery
think the same way as I do
return to the booze and who knows what will happen


14 But afterward Jesus found him in the Temple and told him, “Now you are well; so stop sinning, or something even worse may happen to you.”
John 5:14 (NLT)
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Old 09-26-2013, 10:49 AM
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Thank you, all. Day 4 no drinking. Oddly, I don't miss it yet, although I know I will meet that moment any time. I feel stronger without it. I know it's a daily decision.
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Old 09-26-2013, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Tryinghard1974 View Post
Thank you, all. Day 4 no drinking. Oddly, I don't miss it yet, although I know I will meet that moment any time. I feel stronger without it. I know it's a daily decision.
Stay strong, and great work on 4 days. Are you doing anyting for support outside of posting and reading here? It's good to have a plan for when the cravings creep back in.
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Old 09-26-2013, 10:57 AM
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Not yet. Any ideas are welcome. Thank you
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Old 09-26-2013, 11:43 AM
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I feel the same way. I've had some unfortunate events due to my alcoholic behavior..... Mostly embarrassment and shame. There have been some more tangible things like a broken leg, flirting with inappropriate people, a fight or two, seeing my daughter less than I used to etc. I feel like If I keep devouring drinks all weekend, it's a matter of time before something really messed up happens I Basically at a point where I know someday that some event will inevitably cause me to quit. Why wait for that event to happen and just get out while you can. I have a chance now while I'm somewhat unscathed. God bless you.
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Old 09-26-2013, 11:48 AM
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I do sign into the the 24 hours thread every day, just to remind me what I am doing and trying to achieve.

I do not have daily cravings, but there are days where I do want to get away from it all.

Reading posts here does also help me booth posts that remind me of the cost, but also that it can be done.
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Old 09-26-2013, 11:50 AM
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Well done Tryinghard!!
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