What does healthy recovery look like?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
What does healthy recovery look like?
I have had no contact with my EX-AB for almost two months. I read a lot on here about the goal for an A is no drinking and going on a regular basis to AA or some other recovery program. And the idea is, that if the A does this; it's pretty much a success story.
I second guess myself because this wasn't enough for me. My Ex-AB would often ask me, "what more do you WANT from me?" I work, I go to AA at least 3 times a week, I don't drink and have not for a year". He was so frustrated with me because even though I saw him during that year, I backed off a romantic relationship. I chose to listen to my gut to tell me if he was actually "getting IT" whatever the "IT" was. I wanted to much to be back with him; but so many things told me that my ex-AB was far away from "IT". I never knew what "IT" was for him, but I never felt it. Things that felt wrong were:
He rarely saw his sponsor.
He didn't do the steps.
He increased his smoking to more than I ever saw. His blood pressure subsequently went up, and he had to take meds. He would eat really salty food on a regular basis. And then he would complain about it.
He took a new job specifically for the health insurance. Then forgot to fill out the paper work for it. So, lost his health insurance. And then of course complained because he could not get his meds.
It was for me the passivity of his program, that made me realize this IS who he was. Kind of a professional victim. There were so many more things, they are all not major but they added up. The good thing about him? He was lots of fun when we did things. I guess I just answered my question. But still..I second guess myself.
But nevertheless, I still feel guilty as he WAS sober and working. Maybe I don't feel so much guilty, as maybe I should have found some compromise. Anyway, he finally got tired the relationship and moved on.
I second guess myself because this wasn't enough for me. My Ex-AB would often ask me, "what more do you WANT from me?" I work, I go to AA at least 3 times a week, I don't drink and have not for a year". He was so frustrated with me because even though I saw him during that year, I backed off a romantic relationship. I chose to listen to my gut to tell me if he was actually "getting IT" whatever the "IT" was. I wanted to much to be back with him; but so many things told me that my ex-AB was far away from "IT". I never knew what "IT" was for him, but I never felt it. Things that felt wrong were:
He rarely saw his sponsor.
He didn't do the steps.
He increased his smoking to more than I ever saw. His blood pressure subsequently went up, and he had to take meds. He would eat really salty food on a regular basis. And then he would complain about it.
He took a new job specifically for the health insurance. Then forgot to fill out the paper work for it. So, lost his health insurance. And then of course complained because he could not get his meds.
It was for me the passivity of his program, that made me realize this IS who he was. Kind of a professional victim. There were so many more things, they are all not major but they added up. The good thing about him? He was lots of fun when we did things. I guess I just answered my question. But still..I second guess myself.
But nevertheless, I still feel guilty as he WAS sober and working. Maybe I don't feel so much guilty, as maybe I should have found some compromise. Anyway, he finally got tired the relationship and moved on.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Kind of a professional victim . . . .
He rarely saw his sponsor.
He didn't do the steps.
He increased his . . . . [insert new addiction]
He didn't do the steps.
He increased his . . . . [insert new addiction]
See ANYONE -- Fully Working the Program -- has a wonderful chance of becoming a wonderful person that ANY of *us* would Love and Cherish.
But NOT WORKING THE PROGRAM . . . . not so much.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
I think recovery can look a little different for everyone.
However in my case recovery HAD to be bigger then just my drug of choice....for me it has been about my life (thus my screen name).
For me it is about self-responsibility, and frankly about my recovery (and thus my life) being my number one priority for me, myself and I. It is about a willingness to do it differently then the structure and "rules" I grew up with, and about being willing to continue to learn.
When the split happened with my AexH and I, I realized that he was not interested in recovery (and had not been). I was just propping up that he was in my head and heart. That was one of the greatest gifts he ever gave me, was the opportunity to see that in him, and to compare it to what I knew recovery was.
I see recovery in action in Al-Anon (not for all but for many). I also attended a number of open AA meetings and got to see what it looked like. It was a shocker when I compared it to what my ex was doing (and it hurt).
I do think recovery takes time however, and does not happen overnight. It has rooms for errors (and changes of mind).
It is okay that you don't want to be with this man, even if he is sober.
However in my case recovery HAD to be bigger then just my drug of choice....for me it has been about my life (thus my screen name).
For me it is about self-responsibility, and frankly about my recovery (and thus my life) being my number one priority for me, myself and I. It is about a willingness to do it differently then the structure and "rules" I grew up with, and about being willing to continue to learn.
When the split happened with my AexH and I, I realized that he was not interested in recovery (and had not been). I was just propping up that he was in my head and heart. That was one of the greatest gifts he ever gave me, was the opportunity to see that in him, and to compare it to what I knew recovery was.
I see recovery in action in Al-Anon (not for all but for many). I also attended a number of open AA meetings and got to see what it looked like. It was a shocker when I compared it to what my ex was doing (and it hurt).
I do think recovery takes time however, and does not happen overnight. It has rooms for errors (and changes of mind).
It is okay that you don't want to be with this man, even if he is sober.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
Thanks all...I know all this in my mind...but my heart needs to catch up. I am learning when I have these feelings to write them here, full disclosure, and the act of having my words witnessed and being given reminders by you, brings me back to center.
Gratefully,
Carrie
Gratefully,
Carrie
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I heard this once in an al-anon meeting:
If he wasn't a piano player before he stopped drinking then he's not going to be after he stops.
We often blame all the bad behaviors and lack of responsibility, intimacy, communication on the drinking.....truth be told if they really didn't have those qualities before they started drinking they are not going to have them once they stop.
Everyone is special and kind and caring and appears to be responsible in the beginning but those traits seems to fall by the way side when the drinking becomes know. Then we spend a good quality of time and emotions trying to bring that "sales person" we were sold on and fell in love with back.
Just sitting in an AA meeting a few times a week is not going to keep someone sober.
If he wasn't a piano player before he stopped drinking then he's not going to be after he stops.
We often blame all the bad behaviors and lack of responsibility, intimacy, communication on the drinking.....truth be told if they really didn't have those qualities before they started drinking they are not going to have them once they stop.
Everyone is special and kind and caring and appears to be responsible in the beginning but those traits seems to fall by the way side when the drinking becomes know. Then we spend a good quality of time and emotions trying to bring that "sales person" we were sold on and fell in love with back.
Just sitting in an AA meeting a few times a week is not going to keep someone sober.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by nbay2013 
I chose to listen to my gut to tell me if he was actually "getting IT"
I did the same thing, and it was hard, but in the end, worth it. Things just didn't feel...well...right. And he was pushing me and that didn't feel right either. I needed time; time to work on myself, time to heal, time to re-strategize, so to speak. My AH believed he had given me enough time and that was that. He walked.
It was the best gift he ever gave me. Because that marriage was 50 shades of wrong. It never would have been right for me - because he wasn't the right man for me, nor I the woman for him. I see that now. And its ok.
I think you've done very well here. Now work on trusting yourself and your decisions. Stop the second guessing. Be proud of yourself instead.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Looping back to your start . . .
Would like to refine your question . . . .
What does healthy recovery look like:
A) For *them*
or
B) For *us*
My answers:
A) Dunno. Really dunno. And that is okay for today.
B) Healthy Recovery for ME -- It looks like my Crappy to Happy Land list:
To Love and Be Loved
Open and Truthful
Steady and Ordered
Gratitude
and my daughter added -- Let Happy Land Be Happy.
So that is where I want to be. And this is ALL ABOUT ME. (and the kids, first, of course).
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...appy-list.html
Would like to refine your question . . . .
What does healthy recovery look like:
A) For *them*
or
B) For *us*
My answers:
A) Dunno. Really dunno. And that is okay for today.
B) Healthy Recovery for ME -- It looks like my Crappy to Happy Land list:
To Love and Be Loved
Open and Truthful
Steady and Ordered
Gratitude
and my daughter added -- Let Happy Land Be Happy.
So that is where I want to be. And this is ALL ABOUT ME. (and the kids, first, of course).
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...appy-list.html
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: San Diego, ca
Posts: 268
You are correct TuffGirl. I actually am proud of myself that I did not move in with him. My intuition told me I felt unsettled and on guard. So I did not. When I broke off with him, I didn't not know he was an alcoholic; I knew there were big issues that he would not address. What messed me up (more than I already was) was when he came out as an A, and I thought, "Maybe...just maybe this is a game changer".
It wasn't.
I have zero interest to return to him. 'THANK YOU NO CONTACT'. But my brain sometimes won't stop second guessing. I think that perhaps is lingering healing from such a confusing 5 years and will go away.
It wasn't.
I have zero interest to return to him. 'THANK YOU NO CONTACT'. But my brain sometimes won't stop second guessing. I think that perhaps is lingering healing from such a confusing 5 years and will go away.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
It does go away...when you choose to accept it for what it was. That was my point. When I finally accepted my marriage was just a plain old wrong fit, alcoholism or not, it allowed me to set it in the past and move on. But I had to forgive myself for some bad decisions, and that took a while.
Now I've been dating again, with even wiser eyes this time, and hoping I know enough about myself and men to choose smarter this time around.
Now I've been dating again, with even wiser eyes this time, and hoping I know enough about myself and men to choose smarter this time around.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
To me healthy recovery looks like someone who put down the drink, and is sincerely doing all they can to be honest, open minded, and willing. With those 3 in order, I believe only goodness will follow. Dishonesty, unwillingness, and a closed mind is a perfect recipe for failure.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
In healthy recovery you're no longer obsessed about the alcoholic and his/her program. Your main focus is on your own program. If you stay with the alcoholic you accept them as they are, whether in recovery or actively drinking.
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