Eef89

Because of severe social anxiety, I tend to use alcohol as a social lubricant, but lately whenever I drink I don't stop until I'm blackout. Last night I wasn't planning on drinking at all, but my friends pressured me so I had a drink....and then a lot more drinks. I ended up taking whiskey pulls at a house party with people I don't know and got led into a bedroom where I had sex with three guys. I have never felt more disgusting or hated myself more. I've always been a really sexual person but when I drink I can't control myself and I do things I would never normally do. I'm very lonely and I want love so badly, but when I do hideous things like last night it makes me feel lonelier, even less deserving of love. I'm in emotional agony, I feel so worthless and I can't imagine feeling any worse so I hope to god this is my rock bottom. I'm scared I can't do this and something even worse is going to happen so I'm forcing myself to reach out and ask for support. I want so badly to hate myself less, find some kind of inner peace.

Dee74

Welcome eef
I know you'll find support and no judgement here

Were these guys you know? do you think getting tested might be a good idea?

D

resolute50

Welcome to SR.Eef89.
There's a lot of support here.
The older members say that you reach the bottom when you stop digging.
I hope you'll stick around this site, it will help you as it has with me.

Anna

I'm sorry that you're feeling so much pain. I think alcoholism can lead to very dangerous situations for women. As Dee said, maybe getting tested would help ease your mind.

And, know that you don't have to go through this again. This can be the time turn your life around.

Sobersunshine

Welcome eef. +1 what dee said. Then, forgive yourself. I've done sexual things too that I wouldn't have done sober. No need to hate yourself; you are NOT worthless. If you want to get sober there is tons of support here.

cleaninLI

Eef, I can feel your pain, honey! ((( Gentle hugs)))) Whether that was your rock bottom or not you can Choose recovery and all the good things that come with it. The first thing you need to do is think about who your real friends are. True friends don't make their friends drink. Especially if that friend has trouble with alcohol. When you say no it means no! They need to respect that. Remember you are not alone this forum is filled with people just like you who understand what you are going through! You are NOT worthless or undeserving of love! You are a young lady who happens to have a problem with alcohol. Stick around others will be here to welcome you also!

kadidee

Eef, I've also done things sexually that I never would have done while sober. You are not alone. I'm really glad that you found SR. There is no judgement here and you'll find a lot of support.

silentrun

Welcome to SR Eef89. I am sorry you are in pain. Regarding last night that was a very dangerous situation you were in. You have responsibility for the drinking you did but what came after that I don't think you do. You don't deserve disgust or hatred right now. You deserve some compassion. It saddens me. And yes there is a way out of this cycle.

mytimeforchange

today is my 1st day sober. I know how much shame and loneliness we carry. This site and the people here helped get thru-today. Today I "joined" this community to help recover. In time or maybe now? Our harsh and honest experiences help others. I had no idea this place was here. God send. Thank you for sharing your story. I started my journey with nothing more than a will to live with dignity and honestly. You are off to a great start. I am glad you too joined me here. Please stay.

ryan

GotGrace

Welcome, Eef! We are glad you are here. Definitely no judgement; we've all done stuff we wish we could erase from our histories. I agree that getting tested might help you move forward.
Keep,posting and reading and let us know how you are doing!

alphaomega

Oh goodness sweetie. If I had a dollar for every jagermeister induced walk of shame...

I can't imagine (wait, yes I can) the pain you are feeling as a result of your intoxicated choice. What a strange drug the booze is. Peeling away everything you hold dear. There's a reason it's called "spirits".

Good for you for coming here and exposing your darkest moment. That is honorable. You will find many of us that have been and done, bought the t-shirt and wore a hole in it. You can't shock us, and we don't judge. Well, some might , but that's on them

Be well.

least

Welcome to a very supportive site. We are here to encourage you in your sober journey.

Eef89

Thank you everyone for your kind words. It is already a huge help to me.

I definitely intend to get tested though I'm terrified.

I'm having trouble coming to terms with the fact that the people I love (my close friends) have been hurting me so much by pressuring me, judging me, and leaving me alone heavily intoxicated in places I clearly should not be. This site is my first step toward positive influences, and I'm also going to try aa.

Thank you all so much for being here for me.

sicknote

Eef! You're in the right place for info and support for your situation. Believe me I know how you feel. I've slept with some bad people, and been in terrible relationships due to alcohol. It's horrible, and the shame and self loathing has been extream. Alcohol alleviates my shyness but does very bad things to me

Good luck to you. Keep coming back here and posting as it helps you will be ok

FourSeasons

Welcome Aboard, Eef! Glad you found us!!

longbeachone

These people are not deserving of your love. Start loving yourself, because you deserve it! There is no judgement here, because we have all done so many things that we're ashamed of after drinking/using. I'm so glad that you have seen the glimmer of light that represents hope...hope that there is a better, happier, calmer life just waiting for you.

What's done is done. Water under the bridge, spilt milk. You cannot change your past, but the future? That's quite another story. There are no limits on what you can do in your life, the positive and wonderful ways that you can shape your future. I'm really happy you found this site! I'm looking forward to hearing about your new life journey.

Charliee

Sorry you are in so much pain, but something I try to remember is that it is my choice to make tomorrow better. Hope everything gets better for you soon!

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome, Eef89! We won't judge you since we've all walked the road of addiction, too. But obviously your actions put in great danger, and you have to deal with that right away. Get tested! Anything that has happened will be easiest to deal with immediately, not months down the road.

Next, be aware that your bad decisions and bad friends are tied up with your drinking. Chances are good that you'll have to make a clean break from both. They're not really your friends, just other drunks that share a habit with you. True friends care about you and don't set you up to be essentially gang raped. Anything that hurts your chances to move forward and get sober...well, those things have to go. It's a matter of life and death for you. I hope you understand that I'm not exaggerating, here. You know the horrible stuff you hear about on the news? This is how that stuff happens.

Don't beat yourself up, though. That behavior is not you, at least not the real you. It's the booze, or more accurately your Addictive Voice. We drinkers have a beast inside us, and its every action is focused on getting it a fix. The Beast doesn't care about our well being at all, it only cares about itself and getting high and/or drunk.

The good news is that the past is the past. It doesn't have to define you or dictate the future. You don't have to repeat that past. Luckily the Beast is just the animal part of your brain, and you don't have to listen to it or let is control you.

Welcome to SR! This is a great community, and I know it will help you!

Khloe926

I hope your feeling better now! I sincerly doubt that anybody who has ever had a drink problem (and many that arn't even alcholics) have been in similer situations so absolutly nobody has the authority to, nor will want to judge you! I have also put myself in very stupid sexual situations with guys that i had never even met whilst drunk, and literally i must have had an angel watching over me because somehow something has happened in which i escaped them all unscathed. But one day my luck might run out and that was one of my main motivations for getting sober. I woke up just not even being able to believe my own behavior. If it helps at all, im finally starting to get properly sober, and im feeling less hard on myself as i can see now that the person that did those things was not me. I was more like a walking wine receptacle than i was khloe. Be strong as there is more to your identity than the person you are when drinking and use it as a lesson, a reason to not drink. I can also understand that maybe you had peer pressure placed on you to drink in social situations. I know i have experienced this from certain individuals more than others. Im often asked 'why on earth im not drinking' if i choose to remain sober, it can be really socially isolating. I often wonder if it makes people feel better about their own drinking habits if there's somebody that always goes a little too far with their booze, but either way they are not good friends. Be strong, make sure your all in good physical health first and then you can work on all the emotional stuff, time is a healer!! xx

DecBaby

Thanks for sharing that experience. I love that about this place.... We can be open about our worst experiences and no one will judge because we've all been there in one way or another. Make some distance from those friends. Maybe this sounds cynical of me but you can't count on anyone but yourself. You yourself have to make the choice to stop drinking, you urself have to keep yourself out of those situations. Learn how to take care of yourself but you're the only one you can truly count on.