This may come across as advice
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This may come across as advice
and maybe it is. But it's more of a warning.
I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic who grew increasingly more abusive.
For years, I told myself my children had a right to their father, that his drinking (since it mostly happened at night in the basement) didn't really affect them, and that I didn't have a right to take the children away from their father.
After i finally left him, all the kids turned their backs on their father. Two of them have been diagnosed with PTSD.The third one is just angry. I've traded my fun job for a more demanding and more well-paying job that is wearing me out because it pays enough that I can cover their numerous psychiatrist, therapist, and doctor bills, as well as their bills for inpatient treatment facilities when they hit low points and get suicidal. I make great money, live in a bad hood and drive an old beater. Everything I make goes to keeping my kids alive and mentally at least functional. I owe them that. They're never chose that man to be their father.
So if your spouse is an alcoholic, and You think the kids don't know and that it doesn't affect them? Think again. And at least get them help as early as you can.
I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic who grew increasingly more abusive.
For years, I told myself my children had a right to their father, that his drinking (since it mostly happened at night in the basement) didn't really affect them, and that I didn't have a right to take the children away from their father.
After i finally left him, all the kids turned their backs on their father. Two of them have been diagnosed with PTSD.The third one is just angry. I've traded my fun job for a more demanding and more well-paying job that is wearing me out because it pays enough that I can cover their numerous psychiatrist, therapist, and doctor bills, as well as their bills for inpatient treatment facilities when they hit low points and get suicidal. I make great money, live in a bad hood and drive an old beater. Everything I make goes to keeping my kids alive and mentally at least functional. I owe them that. They're never chose that man to be their father.
So if your spouse is an alcoholic, and You think the kids don't know and that it doesn't affect them? Think again. And at least get them help as early as you can.
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
and maybe it is. But it's more of a warning.
I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic who grew increasingly more abusive.
For years, I told myself my children had a right to their father, that his drinking (since it mostly happened at night in the basement) didn't really affect them, and that I didn't have a right to take the children away from their father.
After i finally left him, all the kids turned their backs on their father. Two of them have been diagnosed with PTSD.The third one is just angry. I've traded my fun job for a more demanding and more well-paying job that is wearing me out because it pays enough that I can cover their numerous psychiatrist, therapist, and doctor bills, as well as their bills for inpatient treatment facilities when they hit low points and get suicidal. I make great money, live in a bad hood and drive an old beater. Everything I make goes to keeping my kids alive and mentally at least functional. I owe them that. They're never chose that man to be their father.
So if your spouse is an alcoholic, and You think the kids don't know and that it doesn't affect them? Think again. And at least get them help as early as you can.
I was married for 20 years to an alcoholic who grew increasingly more abusive.
For years, I told myself my children had a right to their father, that his drinking (since it mostly happened at night in the basement) didn't really affect them, and that I didn't have a right to take the children away from their father.
After i finally left him, all the kids turned their backs on their father. Two of them have been diagnosed with PTSD.The third one is just angry. I've traded my fun job for a more demanding and more well-paying job that is wearing me out because it pays enough that I can cover their numerous psychiatrist, therapist, and doctor bills, as well as their bills for inpatient treatment facilities when they hit low points and get suicidal. I make great money, live in a bad hood and drive an old beater. Everything I make goes to keeping my kids alive and mentally at least functional. I owe them that. They're never chose that man to be their father.
So if your spouse is an alcoholic, and You think the kids don't know and that it doesn't affect them? Think again. And at least get them help as early as you can.
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Couldn't agree more. And for thirty two years of my life I would have said that my mom's alcoholism "didn't really affect me too much". Then my life imploded. I had been a ticking time bomb of ACoA issues for three decades. Eleven years later things are much better for me, but it took five years of therapy and an incredible amount of hard work to get there, andersen though he passed away three years ago, I am still working on forgiving my father for keeping me in that situation. I know in my head that he was doing what he believed was best, but my heart hasn't caught up yet.
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Thank you for sharing!! This is my greatest fear. Could you share how your kids were affected and what behaviors of his led to the PTSD, self esteem etc???
My ADH is a closet or in his case garage drinker. He is never angry, argumentative, confrontational, abusive or aggressive in any way. Infact, he is the opposite (reclusive, avoiding, more uninvolved but more affectionate with the kids). I guess that is my justification for staying because my kids arent affected at this point. He does most of his drinking after they go to bed or hides it from them so they really arent that aware. I struggle with this daily, leave or stay, leave or stay. My kids adore him and when I am there I feel I can protect them. (I do all of the driving. If I leave I cant trust he would not drive with them while drinking or worry about supervision issues). If only I had a crystal ball and knew how it might affect my kids I would know what decision to make.
My ADH is a closet or in his case garage drinker. He is never angry, argumentative, confrontational, abusive or aggressive in any way. Infact, he is the opposite (reclusive, avoiding, more uninvolved but more affectionate with the kids). I guess that is my justification for staying because my kids arent affected at this point. He does most of his drinking after they go to bed or hides it from them so they really arent that aware. I struggle with this daily, leave or stay, leave or stay. My kids adore him and when I am there I feel I can protect them. (I do all of the driving. If I leave I cant trust he would not drive with them while drinking or worry about supervision issues). If only I had a crystal ball and knew how it might affect my kids I would know what decision to make.
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Dangit. I just lost a long post. But I will come back and talk more about how it's affected them. Depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and problems building relationships are some of the things. Plus we have the high schooler who vomits whenever she thinks of her father. Which is a bummer for your social standing in high school.
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My father (who passed when I was a teenager) was a drinker that stayed downstairs and only drank downstairs - my Mom's rules (she was very controlling and had NPD so she of course had it all under control and later would say "oh you weren't affected"). Well I WAS affected - I knew as early as age 4 or 5 something was not right at my house and that my house was "fake" and that led me to believe my parents did not love me (because nothing was authentic - everything was about hiding the truth and keeping secrets to appear like a good family). And I knew it and it affected every aspect of my life - ironically the relationship that is most troubled in my adult life is the one with my mother who decided I was ok rather than letting me have feelings and decide who I was myself...she did not know my feelings and didn't care too, all that mattered was it looked ok and then she would think/feel for me - she even said thoughts for me - because she had made things ok so they were in her mind. So yes I was affected and no it did not matter that my father was not abusive and never drank in front of me - my Mom's attempt to control all that not only didn't work it backfired and in adulthood thus far we have not been able to have a relationship.
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Originally Posted by Aeryn
My father (who passed when I was a teenager) was a drinker that stayed downstairs and only drank downstairs - my Mom's rules (she was very controlling and had NPD so she of course had it all under control and later would say "oh you weren't affected"). Well I WAS affected - I knew as early as age 4 or 5 something was not right in my house and that my house was "fake" and that led me to believe my parents did not love me (because nothing was authentic - everything was about hiding the truth and keeping secrets to appear like a good family). And I knew it and it affected every aspect of my life - ironically the relationship that is most troubled in my adult life is the one with my mother who decided I was ok rather than letting me have feelings and decide who I was myself...she did not know my feelings and didn't care too, all that mattered was it looked ok and then she would think/feel for me - she even said thoughts for me - because she had made things ok so they were in her mind. So yes I was affected and no it did not matter that my father was not abusive and never drank in front of me - my Mom's attempt to control all that not only didn't work it backfired and in adulthood thus far we have not been able to have a relationship.
Just because he still lives at home doesn't make a father present in their lives. This is going to affect how they form relationships with men. It's not going to be a healthy way of doing it, I can guarantee you that. My dad left my mom because of her addiction, and in the mid-80s, he didn't have a chance at getting custody of me. He milked his visitation time with me, but I always wanted to leave with him afterward. I couldn't, but I did every other holiday with dad. So, I had two absent parents, even though only one was by choice. I don't trust other women, and I have spent my life trying to find a man who could take care of me like my father couldn't. It took tons of therapy to learn how to have a healthy relationship with a man. It's ridiculous when I think about it.
The point is, a crappy parent is NOT better than no parent at all. Don't fall into that trap. It shouldn't be a medical professional's responsibility to straighten out your kids because you chose to put them last in line to an alcoholic.
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Originally Posted by Hammer
You know that is a little (A LOT, A WHOLE FREAKIN LOT) deeper, right?
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It shouldn't be a medical professional's responsibility to straighten out your kids because you chose to put them last in line to an alcoholic.
But that's what it's come down to for me. Not because I don't want to help them, but because helping them is way beyond me at this point.
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Originally Posted by lillamy
Ouch.
But that's what it's come down to for me. Not because I don't want to help them, but because helping them is way beyond me at this point.
But that's what it's come down to for me. Not because I don't want to help them, but because helping them is way beyond me at this point.
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No matter how deep the water is for your daughter, she knows that you are there with your hand, heart and soul stretched out, holding onto her, and she will look into your eyes and see your love, determination and hold on to your strength.
I am so sorry for all of us who did the best we could at the time, and then later realized that we wished we had done more, done different, seen more....
I think that our perseverance and commitment to our children in their pain means a huge amount. To know that someone understood the terror I felt as a child and cared and wanted to help me would have made a world of difference.
There is a book I recently found about recovering from trauma that I am finding extraordinary. It's by Peter Levine, Ph.D, a scientist and clinician who studied trauma recovery for over 40 years: In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. It speaks so deeply and clearly to the trauma I suffered as a child and again as a wife. Maybe you would find it insightful, too.
ShootingStar1
I am so sorry for all of us who did the best we could at the time, and then later realized that we wished we had done more, done different, seen more....
I think that our perseverance and commitment to our children in their pain means a huge amount. To know that someone understood the terror I felt as a child and cared and wanted to help me would have made a world of difference.
There is a book I recently found about recovering from trauma that I am finding extraordinary. It's by Peter Levine, Ph.D, a scientist and clinician who studied trauma recovery for over 40 years: In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. It speaks so deeply and clearly to the trauma I suffered as a child and again as a wife. Maybe you would find it insightful, too.
ShootingStar1
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I was one of the ones that stayed. I stayed till my children went to college. My daughter came home for a weekend and she was the one that had to pick me up from the hospital.
My son he was older, he always told me that he would do anything for me, he would help me as much as he could.
He told me a few years ago, that he was afraid to go to college. That he really wanted me to be safe before he left. He had a full scholarship, he lost it.
I remember talking to him while he was in college. He told me that he was losing days. That he couldn't remember what he did the day before. He told me about trying to climb out of a window, so that he could feel safe.
I remember he was about 13, he went to take a nap, my mom was over, we heard crying, it was my son. But yet I still stayed.
So no advice, just please don't do this to your children. I did.
My son he was older, he always told me that he would do anything for me, he would help me as much as he could.
He told me a few years ago, that he was afraid to go to college. That he really wanted me to be safe before he left. He had a full scholarship, he lost it.
I remember talking to him while he was in college. He told me that he was losing days. That he couldn't remember what he did the day before. He told me about trying to climb out of a window, so that he could feel safe.
I remember he was about 13, he went to take a nap, my mom was over, we heard crying, it was my son. But yet I still stayed.
So no advice, just please don't do this to your children. I did.
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NWGRITS, I don't at all hold your post against you -- I think you're right, and that's SR for me a lot: It hurts and it's right and I need to hear it.
Shootingstar, you made me smile through tears with this:
That's it. I'm marinating in that soup right now. I will definitely look for that book -- very interesting
Shootingstar, you made me smile through tears with this:
I am so sorry for all of us who did the best we could at the time, and then later realized that we wished we had done more, done different, seen more....
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You know, not getting out sooner is probably my biggest regret. My oldest could'vecstayed in school, not dropped out at 16. Not grew to view me as a doormat, steal from me, take the car keys. Middle, i would have gotten his asperger's formally diagnosed sooner than this summer. Youngest, well, he was 3 when i left, and seems to not be overly affected.
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Originally Posted by NWGRITS
This. I knew very early on that my family wasn't "right." I was in group sessions in elementary school for kids with addict parents. I didn't know at that time that it was an addiction problem, but I DID know at that age that my AM wasn't around when she should be. An absentee parent is absent regardless of the cause.
Just because he still lives at home doesn't make a father present in their lives. This is going to affect how they form relationships with men. It's not going to be a healthy way of doing it, I can guarantee you that. My dad left my mom because of her addiction, and in the mid-80s, he didn't have a chance at getting custody of me. He milked his visitation time with me, but I always wanted to leave with him afterward. I couldn't, but I did every other holiday with dad. So, I had two absent parents, even though only one was by choice. I don't trust other women, and I have spent my life trying to find a man who could take care of me like my father couldn't. It took tons of therapy to learn how to have a healthy relationship with a man. It's ridiculous when I think about it.
The point is, a crappy parent is NOT better than no parent at all. Don't fall into that trap. It shouldn't be a medical professional's responsibility to straighten out your kids because you chose to put them last in line to an alcoholic.
Just because he still lives at home doesn't make a father present in their lives. This is going to affect how they form relationships with men. It's not going to be a healthy way of doing it, I can guarantee you that. My dad left my mom because of her addiction, and in the mid-80s, he didn't have a chance at getting custody of me. He milked his visitation time with me, but I always wanted to leave with him afterward. I couldn't, but I did every other holiday with dad. So, I had two absent parents, even though only one was by choice. I don't trust other women, and I have spent my life trying to find a man who could take care of me like my father couldn't. It took tons of therapy to learn how to have a healthy relationship with a man. It's ridiculous when I think about it.
The point is, a crappy parent is NOT better than no parent at all. Don't fall into that trap. It shouldn't be a medical professional's responsibility to straighten out your kids because you chose to put them last in line to an alcoholic.
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