timeflies

It's happened again.. I woke-up this morning in a strange bed, vomit stains on my shirt that I wore the night before. Where am I? I can't remember anything that happened after I started drinking the rum. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to have a couple of beers, get a buzz, have fun with my friends and go home. I have bruises all over my arms, me knee hurts, and my forehead hurts probably from purposely banging my head against a wall.. Like I always do when I black out. I don't even want to know what I did, what I said, what a fool I made of myself.

I don't drink very often and I don't drink at home or when I am alone. But almost every time I drink (twice a month maybe) I can't stop drinking and I drink until I black out. In my blacked out state, all my emotions surface and I'm a complete nightmare. I get suicidal and cry and scream. I run out of moving cars and hit my head against the wall in frustration. My friends have all seen this "dark me" and my fiancé has taken care of me one too many times. He is always understanding and is very patient with me. Prior to this relationship, I was going downhill. Blackouts were common with unprotected sex and drug use that I can't remember. Substance abuse runs in my family... Memories of my childhood are fraught with dealing with my alcoholic father.. Running out into the street to get away from him, screaming and crying and not understanding what's happening.

I also have a history of substance abuse. I have smoked marijuana since I was in high school, not so much now. Now my drugs of choice are ecstasy, mushrooms, and acid. I frequent raves to use these drugs. I don't need them to function but I enjoy them as an escape and a way to expand my mind. I also tend to overdue it when I use these. I always want more, more, more and I'm pretty sure I have come close to overdosing on ecstasy when one time I took so much and felt like I was experiencing serotonin syndrome.

I have anxiety and depression, I was prescribed sertraline which helps with my anxiety induced freak outs but doesn't help how I feel inside. My mom has a bunch of sertraline she doesn't take so I started using her supply so I don't have to see the doctor. The reason I don't want to see the doctor is because I stop taking the medication intermittently in order to use ecstasy. Because you can't get high when you are on an ssri medication. One time I got drunk with my classmates, blacked out, and basically bragged to everyone that I had a **** ton of mushrooms and ecstasy at my place. And I don't remember.. People told me later and I was HUMILIATED. There was no way I could explain my way out of that. My reputation is scarred.

I feel so ashamed of myself. I want to change but I don't know how. I've tried going to therapy but it's always lacking for me. Especially when I pay so much money to have someone teach me breathing exercises. I've tried to talk to my fiancé about it but he thinks I am over exaggerating and that I don't really have a problem, I just need to be more careful. But I can't be careful. I feel so out of control. My friends who have dealt with my blackouts just try to make me feel better. "Don't worry about it", "you were not that bad" are common phrases when I start telling them I think I have a problem (I haven't disclosed my drug use to them).

I am going to school to work as a health professional. I can't keep doing this to myself. Why can't I just get it together? I want a redo on my life.

At this point, I feel really really low. Am I an addict? Even though I don't drink or do drugs everyday or even every week or month? Am I in denial?

Sorry for my long intro post. I just wanted to put everything on the table and stop lying to myself. I try to rationalize things to make myself think its fine. But it's not fine. Does anyone here have any advice for me? I feel so lost and like nobody understands what I am going through.

Thanks in advance!

Dee74

Hi and welcome timesflies
You'll find a lot of support here

sounds like things are pretty messy right now tho - would you consider some kind of face to face recovery group for support or some counselling - through your school maybe?

D

Melbell

Its not how much we drink or how often - it's what happens WHEN we drink. The not knowing when we will stop, what will happen, who we will hurt including ourselves. If the majority of problems in your life happen with booze, then chances are you have a problem. My thoughts anyways. You may only drink a couple times a month but again chances are that will change and it will become weekends, then sometimes during the week during "special" occasions and then daily - thats what happened to me anyways. As you may have heard before - this disease is progressive - bottom line. It only gets worse.

Good luck with your journey.
Peace

Melbell

Anna

If you're out of control as you said, then you're an addict. I hope you stop drinking before things get worse you. One thing for sure is that alcoholism is a progressive disease. There is lots of support here, so keep posting.

least

to SR! I hope we can help you as much as this site has helped me.

timeflies

Thanks so much everyone!! I'm thinking I should see someone about substance abuse. I'll have to research to see if my school offers counseling on this.