BWalt

Friends, co-workers & family not in the "know"? Do you say anything? I don't hold anything back from her friends & family when & if asked.

I've told my boss & a co-worker about my wife's drinking and the fact that she's been in a 45 day rehab for just over a week. I've not told my two best friends (since grade school, they life elsewhere as do I) and I've not told my parents who live back in my hometown.

My friends knew of drinking issues in the past, my folks knew but I've not told them it's recurring again and the fact that I'm alone in this town, no real friends, co-workers are really my only friends that I could hang out with, most of them drink which I'm fine with as I enjoy a few beers from time to time. My wife's family are all nearby and are very supportive, always asking what they can do to help, but there isn't a lot they can do without making me feel uncomfortable about the condition of the house, what the boys are eating, etc...

I guess my big issue is that I truly don't have a buddy to bounce ideas off of and since I don't want this spread around the office (not sure what if any consequences there would be), I can't share with anyone else than my boss and the one co-worker.

Just feeling pretty alone in the world today after the weekly call from the wife which didn't go well, ended in less than 5 of the 10 minutes she gets each Sunday.

honeypig

BWalt, if you've not been advised to get to an Alanon meeting before, you are being so advised NOW!

Seriously, if you need people to talk to about these issues face to face (and of course you DO need this; we all do!) then Alanon is your best bet. Here's a link to help you find a meeting: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Everyone there "gets it", and it's a good idea to have some real-world resources besides this online forum to help you out.

No worries about people talking where they shouldn't, no worries that you'll get uninformed or foolish answers to questions. Give it a try--you'll likely be very glad you did.

Recovering2

AlAnon!!!! THAT is where you will find friends, buddies, who you can safely bounce things off of. You can vent, worry, cry, laugh....whatever. Everyone in that room gets it. Friends and family who don't live with the disease can never get it. They can love you, but they won't truly get it. Find a meeting near you, and give it a try....

BWalt

I've been in alanon before, maybe not the right meetings, but at least a hundred or so I'm guessing and in 3 of the states we've lived in and of the dozen or less different groups, it's always the same whining & complaining, never anything that seemed to relate to my situation.

Nevertheless, I found a mens only meeting tomorrow evening, I may leave the boys home alone for a bit so I can go. I'm fine going to my church mens group that deals with these & other types of mens issues, but the alanon meetings in the small towns have always been full of little ole ladies that are certainly sweet, but I don't want to dig into my issues with them.

HopefulinFLA

Hi BWalt,

I understand the feeling of being alone. It really is hard to find people to share with that get it. I recently started going to a few alanon meetings, and did find some comfort in just being around others in similar situations, but just the same, it takes time to build relationships with others. Living with an A can become very isolating.

I find a lot of help and comfort in this site. You can always post here and get a reply from someone. You always have us!

Best of luck to you and your family.

Hammer

Amazing to see/read this.

I do not want to do the Men's Meetings, etc., as I do not want to look across the room or table and see ME sitting there. I can be an ass -- project engineer, former Army officer, etc., and I am just not ready to deal with a Me tearing into Me.

BUT the little old ladies . . . geeezzzz. THEY are wonderful. Not because they cut me any slack -- they do not -- there is one retired 1st grade teacher who rips me. Not harsh nor unkind, but just really let's me know what my part is. At a first grade level I cannot not understand.

The Alanannies (my term for those little old lady types) are so wonderful and so wise, I actually really think I am dealing with Angels at times. You follow? Real freaking live world manifestations of God's Agents on Earth. That is what the Group Conscience sort of claims, anyway, isn't it?

I suppose we need to trade eyes/shoes or whatever for a day, and see the other side.

I guess things are working that way for me. God is pretty cool that way.

There is a men's meeting I have been ducking for about a year. Our closest Alanon is only a 1/4 mile away. It has a Thursday 8 pm meeting, that I catch if Mrs. Hammer is going to skip her AA 8 pm meeting (I figure if she is skipping her meetings I really need mine). The men's meeting is at another site, about 10 miles into town, about the same time.

But here is what has happened twice this last month. Bad traffic. A group of guys carpool -- local and further out -- have hit bad traffic, heading to the Men's meeting -- and instead stopped at our Thursday local meeting. Turns out they are all okay. Not assholes, like me. I am losing reasons to keep avoiding the Men's meeting.

Like I say -- God is pretty cool at times. And patient.

BWalt

I think maybe I just need someone my age or at least my gender going through the same crap I'm going through.

Was a bad phone call today. I've written 3 letters to her this week, good encouraging ones, not long, just notes on what's going on. She didn't get any of them yet. Just got one from her yesterday, very sorry, apologetic, etc... I know she wants to get better, but once we were on the phone it was like a switch turned and she can't turn off the anger towards me yet for whatever reason. Anyway I teared up a bit. Doesn't happen to me often unless I'm plucking nose hairs or chopping onions. My boys have never seen me cry, but they've seen me bleeding, smash my had with hammers, you name it. Dunno, I thought I was done getting that upset over her issues, guess I'm not who I thought I was.

Maybe I'll check out a noon meeting too, if you bring food do they make you share?

NWGRITS

It's not kindergarten, so you don't have to share your food.

It's going to take time for your wife to start thinking clearly again. She's learning to do everything without alcohol, and there's an adjustment period. The brain ain't too happy when you rip away the juice like that. It could also be that she doesn't want to be there and will hit the bottle as soon as she gets out. You don't really know until she does get out. The point is, she's going through changes right now being sober, and Al-Anon can help you learn to not take that stuff personally.

DreamsofSerenity

Hammer, "Alanannies" is classic! LOL

ResignedToWait

I shared/share it with anyone, it doesn't matter to me. My entire office knows all the lurid details of my AW's problems.

For me, it was part of my detachment. Why should I hide, or think I have to be ashamed of her actions? Her actions are her own actions, not mine.

Yurt

I have also recently become less secretive about my AH's drinking. After the recent car purchasing drama that I went through, if someone asks why I was having trouble with the deal, I simply told them that my husband drinks and was not very cooperative. I don't use the "A" word, but perhaps it isn't necessary.

I definitely felt some relief when I told my boss. But I assured her that this would not affect my job; I've been dealing with this on some level for years. She was very supportive, wanting to make sure that my (and my daughter's) safety was a priority.

PippiLngstockng

I am having a lonely day, so answering your post. It's sort of self-imposed, cause I don't feel like talking to real people right now. No one in my life is going through what I am going through, except for my children, that is. Just you kind folks and the alanannies ( love it, Hammer) and alagrandadies that go to my meeting, which I can't get to lately with my schedule.

Things are so bad that most people cannot possibly imagine.

Sometimes we have to respect and allow for the sadness and loneliness. You can't or shouldn't always run away from it because then you wind up crazy or an A or something. Sadness has become like a little sweet fairy on my shoulder. There she is, with me again. She has somewhat replaced fear and even anxiety is less prevalent. I think sadness is more mature and calm. And loneliness is one of her characteristics. She is more accepting of circumstances and more patient.

I hope things go better for you. Allow yourself your emotions. And best of luck for your wife's recovery.

BWalt

Ok, first alanon meeting in a few years. Good group, guys only. Many have been in the same group for 10-20 years, one guy has been going for 40 years (not with the same AW though). "Joe" took me outside to interview me a bit, his story was very similar to mine, young kids, wife drinking, drugs and he made it through. Lots of encouragement. Only one beer for myself this evening and no, I'm not an alcoholic, I laugh at myself sometimes for wishing I was so I could understand better or just plain not care. I know that's not a good thing to wish or hope for, but when I've been so frustrated I can't help but grasp for straws. As much as I drank in my early years, I can't drink more than a few beers without getting a nasty hangover and dreading another drink.

Got an email from the AW's counselor, said she came to her right after the phone call crying and wanting to work on communication - AGREED, we both do, so that's something she's scheduling for our sessions during family week starting next Wednesday.

Mother-in-law is riding down with me which will be interesting, she's a bit on the short side and I don't feel comfortable driving anything but my Jeep which gets about 10mpg on road trips and sits a bit high. We'll see if she brings her step stool to get herself in & out. Should be a hoot.

One thing the alanon mentioned tonight is that their AWs or whomever were their "qualifiers" because "we're not qualified to judge or label others, only that they are there due to their qualifier". Interesting concept. The did refer me to a few other meetings to attend during the week and since we're near such a large city, there are about 20 alanon meetings within 30 minutes of the house and at least twice that many AA meetings, many of which are during the day which hopefully can fill the AWs empty time slots so she can easily get her 90 in 90 or more since her life really depends on maintaining sobriety.

Thanks for all the support folks,
B