Have you ever experienced it? (OT possibly)
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Join Date: Jun 2010
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Have you ever experienced it? (OT possibly)
Most of us here are being codependent dealing with our As (parents, spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends, kids), learning how to cope with their addiction, how to improve our life, and working on our personal growth.
I will explain later why I am asking this, but have you ever had someone acting in a codependent way toward you (although you have not abused ANY substances), trying to push your buttons, trying to buy your affection with small favors, do things for you that you really never asked for (and never do things they promised to do), and then expect you to do things that you really do not wanna do, and they simply do not accept "no" for an answer?
I think that meeting such a person was actually an additional eye opener for me. It was kinda like looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, OMG, I do not want to evolve into this.
I will explain later why I am asking this, but have you ever had someone acting in a codependent way toward you (although you have not abused ANY substances), trying to push your buttons, trying to buy your affection with small favors, do things for you that you really never asked for (and never do things they promised to do), and then expect you to do things that you really do not wanna do, and they simply do not accept "no" for an answer?
I think that meeting such a person was actually an additional eye opener for me. It was kinda like looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, OMG, I do not want to evolve into this.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
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Well, I don't know if I can say that I've met someone exactly as you're describing, but I have come to see that my AX may be codependent. He felt the need to leave me, because I was emotionally dependent on him. Right away I saw him bending over backward for friends and not saying "No" to them. He complained about my mess all the time and cleaned up after me, but not himself. Then he moved into a house with a roommate messier than me and says how he "has to" clean up her place. He has gotten very angry with me for "messing up his plans, " after "happily" agreeing to do something for me. Sigh. A lot of "double winners"out there. I will be compassionate.
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I have.
It was an eye opener for me.
I was NOT comfortable with this person (people), and I realized that though my "intentions" might be good I was probably creating a similar situation for others.
It really helped me to understand that codependent behavior can be just as determental as other addictive behaviors. At least in my case engaging in them meant I was not being present, and not really "being" with someone else.
It was an eye opener for me.
I was NOT comfortable with this person (people), and I realized that though my "intentions" might be good I was probably creating a similar situation for others.
It really helped me to understand that codependent behavior can be just as determental as other addictive behaviors. At least in my case engaging in them meant I was not being present, and not really "being" with someone else.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
YES! For long time it was much more difficult for me to deal with my aexh's new wife than with him (someone here mentioned that their ex had taken up with someone who made her "look like an amateur in the codie department" and I laughed and laughed. Oh, I know where they were coming from).
I wasn't raised with codependence so it didn't take me long to think about my ex's addictions, wait, I am not going to change this, why am I making myself bugsh!t crazy over it? On the other hand Mrs. Aexh grew up in a textbook codependent environment and is not one whit wiser after 7 years with my aexh. She charged in and took over his parenting responsibilities without a second thought, and I gave up trying to make her knock it off some time ago. She can no more understand letting things be what they are than he can understand coping without alcohol.
I owe her a debt of gratitude: I have learned more about balancing patience with holding my ground, and accepting what people are, from dealing with her than I ever did with him. I now feel genuinely bad for her, but don't let myself get sucked into feeling guilty over all she does for my daughter. No one has ever asked her to do one bit of that work, and if she were to stop, the responsible parties would step back in and take care of it.
Even alcoholics, oblivious to their own contribution, can pick up on the madness of codependence. Out of the blue, my ex once said angrily to me: "[Mrs. Aexh] jumps into situations without stopping to think whether or not she should be there. And she does this again and again and again." He told our daughter that his wife's family of origin "ruined her."
Years ago a psychiatrist told me, if you put an alcoholic and a codependent in a crowd of 100 people, they will find each other. I didn't really understand how much it is a two step dance at the time, but I do now.
I wasn't raised with codependence so it didn't take me long to think about my ex's addictions, wait, I am not going to change this, why am I making myself bugsh!t crazy over it? On the other hand Mrs. Aexh grew up in a textbook codependent environment and is not one whit wiser after 7 years with my aexh. She charged in and took over his parenting responsibilities without a second thought, and I gave up trying to make her knock it off some time ago. She can no more understand letting things be what they are than he can understand coping without alcohol.
I owe her a debt of gratitude: I have learned more about balancing patience with holding my ground, and accepting what people are, from dealing with her than I ever did with him. I now feel genuinely bad for her, but don't let myself get sucked into feeling guilty over all she does for my daughter. No one has ever asked her to do one bit of that work, and if she were to stop, the responsible parties would step back in and take care of it.
Even alcoholics, oblivious to their own contribution, can pick up on the madness of codependence. Out of the blue, my ex once said angrily to me: "[Mrs. Aexh] jumps into situations without stopping to think whether or not she should be there. And she does this again and again and again." He told our daughter that his wife's family of origin "ruined her."
Years ago a psychiatrist told me, if you put an alcoholic and a codependent in a crowd of 100 people, they will find each other. I didn't really understand how much it is a two step dance at the time, but I do now.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 340
To me, primarily, it sounds more like a control issue, some people just have to control all on their own terms
As for double winners, my xagf is a double winner and with friends could never say no, would spend hours on the phone helping them and doing things for them. But me? She would do things, but like you said, not what I needed, or what she had promised to do.
It was more of filling her own void. She would be nice when she needed to fill the void. It all goes back on her. She then feels used and resentful when these supposed friends shes bent over backwards for her don't invite her to do stuff. Needless to say she has a hard time making true genuine friends.
Most people I've talked to say she comes off as fake and pushy. I wonder if this is the way this person felt to you? Un-authentic.
I don't think you would have evolved into this person, this person has other issues going on.
I would take any eye openers though =).
As for double winners, my xagf is a double winner and with friends could never say no, would spend hours on the phone helping them and doing things for them. But me? She would do things, but like you said, not what I needed, or what she had promised to do.
It was more of filling her own void. She would be nice when she needed to fill the void. It all goes back on her. She then feels used and resentful when these supposed friends shes bent over backwards for her don't invite her to do stuff. Needless to say she has a hard time making true genuine friends.
Most people I've talked to say she comes off as fake and pushy. I wonder if this is the way this person felt to you? Un-authentic.
I don't think you would have evolved into this person, this person has other issues going on.
I would take any eye openers though =).
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Yeah totally. I've met a ton.
My father is a great example. He has this firm idea that if he does something for me, I should do something for him. Dunno if it is the right solution but I stopped asking him to do things for me as it drove me mad in the end.
And oddly enough when I remember this I can see how crazy my little codie stints at times must annoy people.
I have also see it in al anon meetings a lot over the years.
My current partner has it a bit, at times. I actually wonder if most people have a little bit in them. And the difference between me and them is it doesn't debilitate them and drive them to do crazy stuff.
I think that's the thing about coming from an alcoholic family is normal behaviour becomes very warped as we go about trying to force solutions to problems we have no business delving into or control over.
My father is a great example. He has this firm idea that if he does something for me, I should do something for him. Dunno if it is the right solution but I stopped asking him to do things for me as it drove me mad in the end.
And oddly enough when I remember this I can see how crazy my little codie stints at times must annoy people.
I have also see it in al anon meetings a lot over the years.
My current partner has it a bit, at times. I actually wonder if most people have a little bit in them. And the difference between me and them is it doesn't debilitate them and drive them to do crazy stuff.
I think that's the thing about coming from an alcoholic family is normal behaviour becomes very warped as we go about trying to force solutions to problems we have no business delving into or control over.
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Well, I have experienced codependency, I guess, for the first time with my dad. At that time, I knew nothing about codependency and there was no substance abuse in my family, so I could never really connect all the little dots. My dad was a great father, but I think he developed certain survival strategies because my mom was just incredibly domineering and at times quite cold (I hate to say this, but I'm sure you all know Leonard's mother from the Bing Bang Theory). He used to complain how he had to give up his hobbies (kinda of victim playing, because in reality, he never really dared to rebel and stand up for himself). He was (and still is) incredibly passive-aggressive and I could feel exactly when he was trying to push my buttons, tiny little guilt trips, just the way he would ask questions, etc.
And then I met my MIL.
And then I met my MIL.
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That is really the first person I've met that simply does not take a "no" for an answer. Then I tried "no, no, and no." I've also tried, "under no circumstances no." Next time, it'll be "no is a complete sentence." Just incredible.
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