1stepup

Why me? Why did God give me this horrible disease? As im writing I realise how selfish my thoughts and actions are. Realise more than ever how low the drink has sent me but I still keep digging, I feel like im possessed and have gone too far to get back. For anyone reading this who is in doubt about their sobriety and how 'dull' life is without it please do not cave. I don't know when this last bender began but I know I haven't turned up for work in over a week and im petrified of facing them tomorrow and the thought is there to drink to lesson the fear- HOW CRAZY IS THAT?

Trying so hard today but I don't think I have any fight in me anymore. Blacked out AGAIN last night and shaking so much with anxiety and nerves today that its hard to even write this. It truly is hell on alcohol, I hate what ive become.

neferkamichael

1stepup, please never give up. Rootin for ya.

pinkdog

Dear 1stepup, alcohol is a depressant. Please make a plan to quit. I know how you feel. I felt the same when drinking. When you get rid of the drink, the depression lifts. It is hard. But hangovers and guilt are worse. We are here for you.

lorelei

1step, its a vicious circle.. has to be broken......let us help you, but you help you first by refusing to pick up that drink, its easier not to drink that to try and stop once youve started, believe me, I know xx

tate9685

1stepup, have you tried rehab in hospital? It sounds like you need some detox in a medical facility first and then when your body is stable, a safe environment and professional assistance with recovery. I hate to hear about your pain and totally relate to how crappy this disease is. Keep posting here. We are all here to help you whenever you need someone to listen. Best of luck.

1stepup

Im scared, im terrified of dying and know where it will go if I don't stop, went to doctors the other day and admitted everything but im realising knowone can 'cure' me of this illness. Havent shaved for weeks now and look a complete mess, spoke to my ex before and shes told me there is no hope of us being together again and its heartbreaking- I cant blame her, knowone deserves to be around a person like me.

Mentium

It is a cliché but every journey begins with the first step!

How about phoning AA and talk with the person on the other end..then perhaps a meeting?

lorelei

For now you need to think about you can you force yourself to have a shower, get a shave, that will help, even a little, did the dr say anything about meds?

1step, you are poorly, and it literally is 1step at a time to sort this x

Threshold

Maybe no one can cure you of this disease, but it can be halted. Lots of people here are proof of that.

I do understand how difficult it is to stop, to face the consequences of our drinking on jobs, relationships, finances, etc. But it has been much better for me to stop drinking and drugging and give myself a chance.

I second the notion that given the description of your drinking, it would be best to detox in a facility. Rehab could offer you a chance to detox and get a little sober time and some recovery "tools" to get you started.

1stepup

think people are right about the rehab thing, I am amazed considering the amount of time ive been alcoholically drinking that I haven't been sent somewhere, suppose it alls boils down to money.The hard part is that I know its dangerous and could be fatal to just 'stop' but for an alcoholic like me I cant taper it or sop once I start so it truly is a vicious circle, got friends and good people in aa that are great but I don't like to let them down and saying ive started again, they know anyway but its the shame and guilt that's killing me.

At 15 I thought I found the solution to my lifelong fear and anxiety, but it was a lie- its slowly destroyed my life.

happyhour

1stepup, i too found myself asking "why" all the time, mostly during my low points when i was hungover and filled w/ regret and shame. once i admitted to myself my drinking was out of control and unmanageable, the why didn't matter any more. all that mattered was the "what".

what do i need to do today in order to not drink again and get back the life i was intended to live?

i pray that things go well for you tomorrow at work, you can do this...we have to remember that our small failures are neither FATAL or FINAL. let us know how it goes.

LadyBlue0527

Hi 1stepup, it sounds like you really want sobriety. It helps to not focus on the why and to divert that to the acceptance that there is no reason, it's just what it is. You can't drink.

The quest for the answer to why is no more than a quest to remove the reason so that you can drink.

I hope that you continue to work on this and have success. Coming here and posting this is a start. Read your words and savor them the next time those urges are present. It's not worth it, not even for a moment.

Hevyn

1stepup - thank you for your heartfelt posts. I'm sure your words will help many today. Especially the part about not caving.

There's no doubt that you can get your life back. I say this because when I came to SR I was drinking 'round the clock. Kept one on my nightstand - & by my side all day. I had been sober for 3 yrs. & decided I could try having 'a few' once again. It got hold of me worse than ever - I was in a state just like you describe. I didn't want to let go of life & I knew it was getting to that point. It was either get off it or go for a 'Leaving Las Vegas' type finale. I terrified myself that last time - and maybe you've reached that point, 1step - the turning point we must get to in order to get well. We can tell you haven't given up. You can rise above this. We are with you.

digdug

I'm really pulling for you, 1stepup. In the throws of our alcoholism, whe always tend to wonder, "why me? Why am I destined to suffer this way?"

But honestly, right now, the "whys" don't matter. The fact is, you have a disease just like we all do here. And now you to need to treat it. The answers to the "whys" will come in time.

Sounds like to me that you really need a medical detox. Talk to your doctor, go to the ER, or go to a rehab facility. Do not let money be an issue here. What good is having money when if your dead? I am still paying off a 400k hospital bill from 6 months ago. But I will never regret the decision I made to get help. Best money I ever spent because I am alive and sober.

Don't give up!

Toomutch

Istepup I have asked myself so many times, why me. Especially being out at a restaurant where normal people are having a drink or two and stopping at that.

I'm glad you're here, it indicates that you are facing your addiction and wanting to change.

I really hope things go well at work tomorrow but if they don't it's another lesson learned. For today take care of yourself. Take a shower, shave, treat yourself well and most importantly do not drink. Start fighting for your life.

1stepup

Thank you all for your responses, spoke to my good friend in aa before and he's offered me a lift to a meeting later. Im trying to get well, but I do feel very unwell and nervous. Theres an absolute mess in my room, its terrible, im really fearful of this, haven't drank today and feel in withdrawl. I need this to stop, cant do it anymore- im a mess, literally got on my hands and knees before and broke down and preyed to God for help

digdug

This good news. Asking for help can be the hardest thing ever for an alcoholic. Go to that meeting. Tell people you're suffering. They will do everything in their power to help you.

Your higher power will hear your prayers if you start putting in the work.

Good luck!

lorelei

1step, you're down, but not out, empower yourself, and you will do this, the first few days are the hardest, take them 10 mins at a time if needs be...
Let us know how the mtg goes...
You are broken, but not beyond repair ((()))

Xx

1stepup

Yeah struggling to get out of bedroom so panicky and fearful can literally feel my bodys craving for alcohol, sweating and shaking, hope I can recover from this.

lorelei

Can you get something to eat, some water as well x