Can anyone explain this part....
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Can anyone explain this part....
Sadly, now that my husband is back in active addiction, he loathes me. The tone of his voice is something I don't think I have ever heard before. It's not even so much what he is saying but the way he says it......filled with such hate in his tone. He has also has sent me some very childish texts which, at one time, would have been out character for him even while active. It was as if a 13-15 yr sent them. Ugh
I am not going to be talked to like that by him, so I have blocked his ability to contact me. At this point, i don't have nothing to say anyway. Unfortunately, I will have to speak to him at some point but not right now.
Anyway, is he projecting his own self loathing onto me? Or have I just become his addictions enemy? Or maybe he is angry I am done enabling?
How truly sad but there's nothing I can do. I am just curious why active addicts become so hateful to the people who still care about them. I read it so often on here!
I am not going to be talked to like that by him, so I have blocked his ability to contact me. At this point, i don't have nothing to say anyway. Unfortunately, I will have to speak to him at some point but not right now.
Anyway, is he projecting his own self loathing onto me? Or have I just become his addictions enemy? Or maybe he is angry I am done enabling?
How truly sad but there's nothing I can do. I am just curious why active addicts become so hateful to the people who still care about them. I read it so often on here!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 1,741
LMN, maybe all of the above? IMO, it really doesn't matter it is what it is and it appears to me each time one goes back out things get worse your not dancing anymore things are much different this time than ever before ya know?
I am sorry your going down through this again I see your still making great progress and sending you a big hug.
I am sorry your going down through this again I see your still making great progress and sending you a big hug.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
There is no reasonable explanation to anything an active addict does.
He probably does loathe himself right now and rather that accept that, he strikes out at you because you called him on his addiction and gave him consequences to face.
What you did was a responsible adult thing to do, it made sense and was what any healthy person would do. His attempts to manipulate you failed and he is angry and frustrated.
One day soon he will realize that the only person responsible for the position he is in, is him. Once he accepts that, and he may not, but if he does then he is one step closer to finding a solution.
Big hugs to you, it must be miserable to listen to his ranting and spewing. You are wise to cut off his contact with you.
He probably does loathe himself right now and rather that accept that, he strikes out at you because you called him on his addiction and gave him consequences to face.
What you did was a responsible adult thing to do, it made sense and was what any healthy person would do. His attempts to manipulate you failed and he is angry and frustrated.
One day soon he will realize that the only person responsible for the position he is in, is him. Once he accepts that, and he may not, but if he does then he is one step closer to finding a solution.
Big hugs to you, it must be miserable to listen to his ranting and spewing. You are wise to cut off his contact with you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
Anyway, is he projecting his own self loathing onto me? Or have I just become his addictions enemy? Or maybe he is angry I am done enabling?
It's not personal though I know it feels that way.
Addicts in active addiction try to drag others into their self-imposed misery.
Hold your head up high, gal!
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I listened to him for about maybe 3 minutes, then said "oh this conversation needs to end now" and hung up.
I know it's not funny but my sister and I have had a several laughs about his texts and whole new tone. Sometimes, there is nothing left to do but laugh.
I know it's not funny but my sister and I have had a several laughs about his texts and whole new tone. Sometimes, there is nothing left to do but laugh.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
Sadly, now that my husband is back in active addiction, he loathes me. The tone of his voice is something I don't think I have ever heard before. It's not even so much what he is saying but the way he says it......filled with such hate in his tone. He has also has sent me some very childish texts which, at one time, would have been out character for him even while active. It was as if a 13-15 yr sent them. Ugh
I am not going to be talked to like that by him, so I have blocked his ability to contact me. At this point, i don't have nothing to say anyway. Unfortunately, I will have to speak to him at some point but not right now.
Anyway, is he projecting his own self loathing onto me? Or have I just become his addictions enemy? Or maybe he is angry I am done enabling?
How truly sad but there's nothing I can do. I am just curious why active addicts become so hateful to the people who still care about them. I read it so often on here!
I am not going to be talked to like that by him, so I have blocked his ability to contact me. At this point, i don't have nothing to say anyway. Unfortunately, I will have to speak to him at some point but not right now.
Anyway, is he projecting his own self loathing onto me? Or have I just become his addictions enemy? Or maybe he is angry I am done enabling?
How truly sad but there's nothing I can do. I am just curious why active addicts become so hateful to the people who still care about them. I read it so often on here!
The "whys" at this point with your husband don't matter. You're trying to figure out someone who is sick physically, mentally and spiritually, and it's not worth your time or energy. The answer is simply because he's an addict.
ZoSo
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by zoso77
And then, two books and a bunch of Al Anon meetings later, the answer was because she's an addict (and a Borderline).
As a gEEk, you may like this . . . .
http://www.cla.temple.edu/cnl/PDFs/D...islowOlson.pdf
See those scans?
BPD brains are frying, even (or especially) without an addiction to calm them.
The "whys" at this point with your husband don't matter. You're trying to figure out someone who is sick physically, mentally and spiritually, and it's not worth your time or energy. The answer is simply because he's an addict.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
"Yes I completely understand the burden of responsibility I bear for the state of your
life. Please find it in your heart to forgive me for my failure to continue transferring large
sums of resources to you at great risk & cost to my own circumstances,home, and marriage.
So crushed am I to admit that I refused to destroy my life in order for you to obtain
another hit of your DOC ...that I changed my phone number to isolate your critically
problematic life from my destructive codependent energies."
( one of the many responses I penned and sat with finger poised over the 'send'
button in response to one particularly nasty social media query)
..........but I never did press it. For noone knew better than I it was but merely an
invitation back to 'crazy world'. A place I didn't enjoy my first visit to------why would
I volunteer for a second tour?
(((summary:go to a mall,find kid in stroller with lollipop in mouth----yank
lollipop out, observe response. No more complicated than that.))))
((((((sorry you are hurting LMN, the pain will lessen with time)))))))
life. Please find it in your heart to forgive me for my failure to continue transferring large
sums of resources to you at great risk & cost to my own circumstances,home, and marriage.
So crushed am I to admit that I refused to destroy my life in order for you to obtain
another hit of your DOC ...that I changed my phone number to isolate your critically
problematic life from my destructive codependent energies."
( one of the many responses I penned and sat with finger poised over the 'send'
button in response to one particularly nasty social media query)
..........but I never did press it. For noone knew better than I it was but merely an
invitation back to 'crazy world'. A place I didn't enjoy my first visit to------why would
I volunteer for a second tour?
(((summary:go to a mall,find kid in stroller with lollipop in mouth----yank
lollipop out, observe response. No more complicated than that.))))
((((((sorry you are hurting LMN, the pain will lessen with time)))))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
My son told me numerous times he would overdose! Talk about manipulation.
Found out later he was with people who "knew what to do".
another time when he was at fault, he admitted he "had no soul" since the drugs had stolen his soul.
Drugs make them see truth and they react to "not my fault, your fault.".
Typical and not to be taken as truth.
TT
Found out later he was with people who "knew what to do".
another time when he was at fault, he admitted he "had no soul" since the drugs had stolen his soul.
Drugs make them see truth and they react to "not my fault, your fault.".
Typical and not to be taken as truth.
TT
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
I was surprised, hurt and confused by my xah's anger. He was so angry with me and treated me so very poorly. All I wanted was the best for him. I didn't get it. It was painful. I think it is projecting. Plus, when they don't get what they want they get angry.
How can anyone be happy loosing their life to an addiction? I can't even imagine...
I'm sorry. No contact is best.
How can anyone be happy loosing their life to an addiction? I can't even imagine...
I'm sorry. No contact is best.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
It's the nasty.
Honey, I hope you insulate yourself fully from this.
It's the only way to true healing.
This is what works, the breaking down of the enabler. Although you may not buy it, it eventually eats at you. There is no peace with the nasty getting it's shots in.
Honey, I hope you insulate yourself fully from this.
It's the only way to true healing.
This is what works, the breaking down of the enabler. Although you may not buy it, it eventually eats at you. There is no peace with the nasty getting it's shots in.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Definitely the nasty.
Think of it as damage control.Not a choice between good and
better, but rather a choice between bad & worse.
When a ship is going down, sometimes the order must be given
to close watertight doors.....dooming the crewmembers behind them.
It's not a travel agent asking if you want to go to Fiji or Hawaii
(tough choice!).....it's about if you want SOME of your buddies to die
or ALL of 'em (along with you!).
When i pulled away from the addict I was helping, I felt like a coward,
someone who ( for the first time in my life)..... failed a 'press to test'
moment. I felt conflicted and unsure ---- definitely not a normal mode
for me. What gets you past the very difficult emotions is knowing FOR
CERTAIN that you are doing what is best for you, for the addict, and for
the entire situation in general.
What I would NEVER tell you,anyone on SR, or any other living human
being.......is that it's easy to give that order.
IT ISN'T.
Think of it as damage control.Not a choice between good and
better, but rather a choice between bad & worse.
When a ship is going down, sometimes the order must be given
to close watertight doors.....dooming the crewmembers behind them.
It's not a travel agent asking if you want to go to Fiji or Hawaii
(tough choice!).....it's about if you want SOME of your buddies to die
or ALL of 'em (along with you!).
When i pulled away from the addict I was helping, I felt like a coward,
someone who ( for the first time in my life)..... failed a 'press to test'
moment. I felt conflicted and unsure ---- definitely not a normal mode
for me. What gets you past the very difficult emotions is knowing FOR
CERTAIN that you are doing what is best for you, for the addict, and for
the entire situation in general.
What I would NEVER tell you,anyone on SR, or any other living human
being.......is that it's easy to give that order.
IT ISN'T.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
I was afraid of addict husband's anger - still am 30 years later. I swear he communicated a deep anger that could only be calmed by seeing blood (mine). I will not go where I know he is at. Kind of made is hard when the "experts" would say "you need to get along for the sake of your children." Ah, no, I need to be safe for the sake of my children.
Anyway, I think the reasons you give are correct - there is not one reason he has this hate, but there are instead many. On any given day, you (and he) do not know the reason for this day's lashing out.... except that it is addiction-driven. I suppose everything he does now can be tied to addiction. The soul and brain truly are kidnapped, aren't they?
Keep coming back - your feelings and issues have been experienced many here.
Anyway, I think the reasons you give are correct - there is not one reason he has this hate, but there are instead many. On any given day, you (and he) do not know the reason for this day's lashing out.... except that it is addiction-driven. I suppose everything he does now can be tied to addiction. The soul and brain truly are kidnapped, aren't they?
Keep coming back - your feelings and issues have been experienced many here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by Vale
Definitely the nasty.
Think of it as damage control.Not a choice between good and
better, but rather a choice between bad & worse.
When a ship is going down, sometimes the order must be given
to close watertight doors.....dooming the crewmembers behind them.
It's not a travel agent asking if you want to go to Fiji or Hawaii
(tough choice!).....it's about if you want SOME of your buddies to die
or ALL of 'em (along with you!).
When i pulled away from the addict I was helping, I felt like a coward,
someone who ( for the first time in my life)..... failed a 'press to test'
moment. I felt conflicted and unsure ---- definitely not a normal mode
for me. What gets you past the very difficult emotions is knowing FOR
CERTAIN that you are doing what is best for you, for the addict, and for
the entire situation in general.
What I would NEVER tell you,anyone on SR, or any other living human
being.......is that it's easy to give that order.
IT ISN'T.
Think of it as damage control.Not a choice between good and
better, but rather a choice between bad & worse.
When a ship is going down, sometimes the order must be given
to close watertight doors.....dooming the crewmembers behind them.
It's not a travel agent asking if you want to go to Fiji or Hawaii
(tough choice!).....it's about if you want SOME of your buddies to die
or ALL of 'em (along with you!).
When i pulled away from the addict I was helping, I felt like a coward,
someone who ( for the first time in my life)..... failed a 'press to test'
moment. I felt conflicted and unsure ---- definitely not a normal mode
for me. What gets you past the very difficult emotions is knowing FOR
CERTAIN that you are doing what is best for you, for the addict, and for
the entire situation in general.
What I would NEVER tell you,anyone on SR, or any other living human
being.......is that it's easy to give that order.
IT ISN'T.
This is one of the most helpful posts I have ever read on SR. The decisions we have to make when dealing with an addicted loved one aren't always a choice between good or better.....but often a choice between bad or worse.
And it's not easy....it's not easy at all.
Wow and thank you.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Buenos Aires, Argentina
Posts: 124
I second what Kindeyes says above -- thanks Vale.
As some here may know, I chose to cut contact with my ex-companion about 6 months ago. Things had been quiet for a while (no attempts by him to try and contact me) until last week, when I received a plethora of emails and phone messages (all from numbers unknown to me) begging me to help him in various ways.
In the past, these messages would have been like a drug to me, sucking me back into the cycle of self-abuse that I had experienced a thousand times before. However, this time I felt different: first of all, I could see the madness in his way of life and in my former need to "help" him; two very damaged people locked in a sick power relationship, where love might possibly exist, but certainly only as a much weaker force. Secondly (and this is where Vale's post relates), for the first time I understood, from my core, that I cannot help him, that I never could help him, and that he is just as responsible for his choices as I am for mine. With that came the deep understanding that my "help" was and (always?) would be BAD – for him, for me – and that the only option that felt healthful and correct was to turn my gaze inward and follow the path that is very clearly marked by my soul.
It all boils down to choice, for all of us. In my Nar-Anon groups, we talk about separating the person from the illness, which for some time led me to feel that my companion was somehow not responsible for his addiction and therefore the things that he did as a result weren't really something that he "wanted"... But as I learned to move my focus away from him and onto myself, I began to see that I was ill, as well, and that I was doing things that I didn't want to do, things that were extremely self-destructive. What could I do, then? Blame my family? Blame my companion? Continue living a life that kept me isolated from reality, wrapped in a cocoon of fantasies that only assured ongoing suffering?
Those are the EXACT same questions that I would hurl at my companion, the "addict." When I heard them coming back at me from the mirror I understood that this hell that I was living in had so very little to do with him. I had to make choices, for my well-being, for my sanity, for my soul. I had to save myself, and there is nothing weak or hard-hearted about that.
It's a choice for all of us.
As some here may know, I chose to cut contact with my ex-companion about 6 months ago. Things had been quiet for a while (no attempts by him to try and contact me) until last week, when I received a plethora of emails and phone messages (all from numbers unknown to me) begging me to help him in various ways.
In the past, these messages would have been like a drug to me, sucking me back into the cycle of self-abuse that I had experienced a thousand times before. However, this time I felt different: first of all, I could see the madness in his way of life and in my former need to "help" him; two very damaged people locked in a sick power relationship, where love might possibly exist, but certainly only as a much weaker force. Secondly (and this is where Vale's post relates), for the first time I understood, from my core, that I cannot help him, that I never could help him, and that he is just as responsible for his choices as I am for mine. With that came the deep understanding that my "help" was and (always?) would be BAD – for him, for me – and that the only option that felt healthful and correct was to turn my gaze inward and follow the path that is very clearly marked by my soul.
It all boils down to choice, for all of us. In my Nar-Anon groups, we talk about separating the person from the illness, which for some time led me to feel that my companion was somehow not responsible for his addiction and therefore the things that he did as a result weren't really something that he "wanted"... But as I learned to move my focus away from him and onto myself, I began to see that I was ill, as well, and that I was doing things that I didn't want to do, things that were extremely self-destructive. What could I do, then? Blame my family? Blame my companion? Continue living a life that kept me isolated from reality, wrapped in a cocoon of fantasies that only assured ongoing suffering?
Those are the EXACT same questions that I would hurl at my companion, the "addict." When I heard them coming back at me from the mirror I understood that this hell that I was living in had so very little to do with him. I had to make choices, for my well-being, for my sanity, for my soul. I had to save myself, and there is nothing weak or hard-hearted about that.
It's a choice for all of us.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 188
My sponsor told me once that when an addict is confronted finally with their addiction - they will revert back to whatever age they were when they started w/ their addict processes. This sort of helped me deal w/ the misguided and sometimes cruel language my ABF levels on me when he is using. And even when he isn't...
Maybe this will help.
I would seriously guide you to NAR ANON literature. It will arm you with the language you need to fortify your own defenses...
Maybe this will help.
I would seriously guide you to NAR ANON literature. It will arm you with the language you need to fortify your own defenses...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Prior to rehab my son was extremely angry and disrespectful. He would throw "fits."
I just told myself that he was "crazy on drugs and isn't logical." Both his father and I disconnected big time.
Now sober, he can tell you that he hated himself, at the time, and showed his wrath toward his family!
I just told myself that he was "crazy on drugs and isn't logical." Both his father and I disconnected big time.
Now sober, he can tell you that he hated himself, at the time, and showed his wrath toward his family!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 188
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow
Sadly, now that my husband is back in active addiction, he loathes me. The tone of his voice is something I don't think I have ever heard before. It's not even so much what he is saying but the way he says it......filled with such hate in his tone. Anyway, is he projecting his own self loathing onto me? Or have I just become his addictions enemy? Or maybe he is angry I am done enabling?
I am just curious why active addicts become so hateful to the people who still care about them. I read it so often on here!
I am just curious why active addicts become so hateful to the people who still care about them. I read it so often on here!
There is not answer to the hatefulness and the lashing out on the people who love them...mostly I think because addicts don't see through their own addiction. The addiction is what they are powerless against. We are powerless against the addict. Nothing makes sense under the veil of addiction.
Don't ask why anymore...try to ask why do I tolerate it. That is the question I keep asking myself...and since I can simply walk away from my ABF no strings attached, I have been asking that alot.
I wish you well my dear.
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