My wife in rehab
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: oxnard california
Posts: 8
My wife in rehab
Hi everyone. Thanks for taking a moment to read and to help by sharing your experiences so that I can better understand and be of help to my wife. My wife has been taking Percocet off and on (mostly on, with her trying to get off them by herself and with me trying to help). She was married to an abusive husband before me and has significant PTSD. That plus integration of our families (we both have children from our previous marriages, and she and both have custody of our respective kids - a true Brady Bunch except we have 8 together and not 6)... I won't bore you with all the details, but some of the kids have either special needs, or very high needs and that has really been over the top for her (and me), which combination of stress at our home and her PTSD have caused her to cope with meds. when using, she would take 4-8 percocets (10mg) a day dependent of stress levels of the day. She also has prescrip for adder all for her add, which she usually takes 1-3 a day. The effect of the percocet to numb the stress, then needing adderall to feel awake enough to function, then in the evening needing ambient (1-3 dependent on the night) to sleep, often staying awake after her first dose (hallucinating, etc) and then sleeping a couple of hours, waking up and taking another ambien. Sorry to write so much... but that's the background. As of recently the stresses in the home have actually diminished, two of my boys went to live with their biological mother and those were two with some of the highest needs. Having less stress around was great, but it has also led to time, space and quiet to reflect on just what's brought us here, what have we not healed in our pasts, etc... That's actually led to further stress, feelings of failure on both our parts... She reached out for in patient help. The only resource was a detox center where I checked her into. It was marginal at best and was really geared for treating hard core heroin type addiction. I don't feel they managed her meds appropriately (she was way looped out when I'd speak with her, way past anything I'd seen when she was on the percocets). She did 5 days there, and yesterday (a Friday) I took her to an inpatient rehab center that was highly recommended. They have a blackout period of a week and a half that she can't have contact. Before the next part, I should back up. She does NOT want ANYONE to know about this. She believes that it will permanently scar her relationships with her family, that even though they might seem loving/supportive, long term they will keep this info inside and treat her differently, try to get her to the family religion, etc... She may have some valid points, but I do know that her family loves her very deeply. Now, on to the rest. Today (Saturday, the day after I got her in to this rehab facility) I got to come to the facility so that she could make some calls to the kids (who know nothing of anything and think mommy is at a clinic for another medical condition - which she does have, but we've inflated it's significance to buy time). Since the kids hadn't had contact with her for nearly a week, they were probably about to call the cops to verify whether I'd killed her or something, lol. Anyway, i got there, we made the few calls, and she was looking like absolute hell. Here is where I need the advice, particularly of those who've been in her shoes PLEASE help! She says "these people just want our money, they don't care about me, I'm still detoxing and they're not giving me enough meds to keep me comfortable." "The people who showed us around, oriented us to the program, are not even here, they don't really care." "I feel like such **** I can't even function and they got me up at 6 am when they know i've had no sleep (which is i know for certain true, she doesn't sleep hardly at all." "I want to go to a hotel for the weekend and just rest and sleep, then I can come back monday". She still recognizes and admits that this place is going to be good for her, once she is more through her withdrawl symptoms. It's especially problematic because we brought her there on a friday evening, and the weekends they don't do much theraputically, it's chore day, and much less structured than during the week. She knows she will get a ton out of group therapy, out of all the structured programs once monday starts, but she is really struggling. I feel in my heart such a shredding. I want to help her, but I also think that real help is making her stay (the tough love concept). The really hard part is that she is there totally voluntarily, so she could simply exercise her right to leave, and walk out the door. She is a VERY headstrong woman, and does not react well to others telling (or even advising) what to do. I'm scared she may actually walk out the door sometime this weekend. So the questions are as follows:
1. People who've been in her shoes... Is this situation completely normal? Does EVERYONE feel exactly how she feels right now? I believe this to be true, but I need to hear it from people who have been right there, who have no financial interest in whether she stays or goes, but can impartially tell me they've been there, done that, and that is exactly how they felt when they first got to rehab.
2. If you felt just like her, and given your understanding of others in her situation, how long did it take before you started to feel better? Not "I'm all better, thanks", but better enough that you weren't on the verge of walking out the door. Please tell me as much of your story as you have time for, I want to share that with my wife so she has something to hold on to at this miserable time for her. She already feels alone, and that although she knows that I love her more than life itself, that since I haven't been in her shoes I can never understand. I may not cognitively understand all that she is going through, lacking the same experiences, but I FEEL everything.
I am pretty sure of the answers I'll get, I've already asked one close friend who's been there, and that is what I was told this morning by him.
3. How can I best convey my "tough love" stance? How can I let her know that I really do feel so much for her, that I want to race in and bust her out, that I want to take her pain and this unbearable **** away and just take it myself, but that because I love her I won't. How can I make sure she doesn't feel abandoned if I take that stance with her? I need her to KNOW that I am always hers, that I will/would do anything for her so she feels safe/secure? How is that accomplished if I also say "I am not going to come get you" or something along those lines?
4. Is this what EVERY single rehab program feels like to those on the inside? Is this a consistent platform of effective programs that is used everywhere? And has it worked for you?
5. Any spouses who've been in similar circumstances to me, please give your advice.
Thankfully yours
1. People who've been in her shoes... Is this situation completely normal? Does EVERYONE feel exactly how she feels right now? I believe this to be true, but I need to hear it from people who have been right there, who have no financial interest in whether she stays or goes, but can impartially tell me they've been there, done that, and that is exactly how they felt when they first got to rehab.
2. If you felt just like her, and given your understanding of others in her situation, how long did it take before you started to feel better? Not "I'm all better, thanks", but better enough that you weren't on the verge of walking out the door. Please tell me as much of your story as you have time for, I want to share that with my wife so she has something to hold on to at this miserable time for her. She already feels alone, and that although she knows that I love her more than life itself, that since I haven't been in her shoes I can never understand. I may not cognitively understand all that she is going through, lacking the same experiences, but I FEEL everything.
I am pretty sure of the answers I'll get, I've already asked one close friend who's been there, and that is what I was told this morning by him.
3. How can I best convey my "tough love" stance? How can I let her know that I really do feel so much for her, that I want to race in and bust her out, that I want to take her pain and this unbearable **** away and just take it myself, but that because I love her I won't. How can I make sure she doesn't feel abandoned if I take that stance with her? I need her to KNOW that I am always hers, that I will/would do anything for her so she feels safe/secure? How is that accomplished if I also say "I am not going to come get you" or something along those lines?
4. Is this what EVERY single rehab program feels like to those on the inside? Is this a consistent platform of effective programs that is used everywhere? And has it worked for you?
5. Any spouses who've been in similar circumstances to me, please give your advice.
Thankfully yours
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi and welcome Marc
I've never been in rehab so I have no experience to share - I can imagine tho that it's a big wrench, being away from your loved ones, the regimentation, the realisation of where addiction has taken you, not to mention withdrawal...
I don't think many of us would be happy there, at least not initially.
If you and your wife realise this will ultimately be good for her she's in the right place - if you have any doubts that this is not just intake blues and she's not being treated well tho, I'd certainly follow that up.
As far as boundaries go for you and tough love and all that - have you considered the AlAnon or Naranon programmes? I think you might get a lot of out that
D
I've never been in rehab so I have no experience to share - I can imagine tho that it's a big wrench, being away from your loved ones, the regimentation, the realisation of where addiction has taken you, not to mention withdrawal...
I don't think many of us would be happy there, at least not initially.
If you and your wife realise this will ultimately be good for her she's in the right place - if you have any doubts that this is not just intake blues and she's not being treated well tho, I'd certainly follow that up.
As far as boundaries go for you and tough love and all that - have you considered the AlAnon or Naranon programmes? I think you might get a lot of out that
D
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
Wow. Long post. Just a suggestion - if you break it up into paragraphs, you might get more responses.
Here is my experience of rehab and mine alone. Every facility is different. I've also talked to a lot of people who went to different rehabs and there are some commonalities. I was there voluntarily. I could have signed out AMA any time. I saw a lot of people that did. It was sad that they gave up so quickly.
So on to your questions:
1. This is perfectly normal. That first week of rehab felt like a month. I can remember the physical and mental pain of almost every single minute. I was there for alcohol, but I was also detoxing from ungodly doses of benzos that helped save my life from the alcohol withdrawal.
Rehab is not a hotel. Honestly, most are one step up from a prison. And it should be that way. Because severe addicts left to our own devices will manipulate our way to any kind of relief. At my rehab, they woke me up every day at 5:45am during the detox week to check my vitals and dose meds. We slept on plastic mattresses with plastic pillows. And this was supposedly the nicest rehab in the area! Every day feels the same. I was so uncomfortable that I would pick fights with the detox nurses. And then I'd have to apologize later. The first week at my rehab, they pretty much let detoxers sleep it off. But there would be room checks hourly and vitals checks every few hours. It was awful, but still not as bad as the hell I was in when I was actively drinking.
2. Yes, it does get better! After about a week for me, the fog started lifting. The room stopped spinning. I was able to start attending groups. I think after day 7, I only missed 2 groups the rest of the 30 days. This is where the real work is done. I learned so much about my addiction, my triggers, the 12-steps, and how to stay sober. The told me exactly what I needed to do when I got out. I have followed their directions to a T and now I have 6 months next week.
I would let your wife know that rehab is a community. When she starts feeling better, it's such a great idea to start talking to people and hearing their stories. I learned very quickly that even though I had a very different background from so many others, we all had the same issues, weaknesses, fears and struggles.
At my rehab, we had small group in the morning. Usually about 7-10 people and a counselor. We talked about everything. No holds barred. No judgement. We really bonded together as a group. I am still friends with someone in my small group and we go to AA meetings together.
Then maybe a lecture about relapse prevention. Lunch. Free time (but no going back to your room). People smoked their cigs, played basketball, cards, talked, made friends, etc. I personally did a lot of self-reflection and reading. I starting realizing the how my addictions affected my loved ones.
Then more small groups based on a specific topic (men/women's groups, age specific groups, grief and loss group, etc.). You had a new group each week. Then maybe meditation or yoga. Dinner. Then finally, a mandatory AA or NA meeting at night. I loved the meetings because the outside speakers gave me hope and taught me not to fear the program. Dessert, then bed at 11pm. Up at 5:45 the next day.
There was also one on one counseling and family counseling throughout the week.
Truthfully, after that first hellish week, I loved my rehab experience. Truly a lifesaver. No hyperbole. I would be dead right now and my family would be grieving if I didn't stay the full 30 days.
3. Can't help you with this one. Check out the friends and family of addicts forum for advice on how to deal with this. Al-anon/Nar-anon are also great resources. I know when I said I was going to rehab, my mom said don't call me to pick you up before the 30 days. I'm glad she did.
4. Many rehabs are 12-step based. I attended one. But there are not all the same. Like I said before, commonalities, but no one trick solution. The 12-step solution has worked for me. I go to meetings every day, I have a sponsor, a home group, and I work steps. Just like my rehab told me to do.
5. See answer to #3.
I know this is a lot to swallow. It must feel like you have no control over the situation. And the truth is, you don't. Your wife's recovery is in her hands. I pray she makes the best of it. Good luck!
Here is my experience of rehab and mine alone. Every facility is different. I've also talked to a lot of people who went to different rehabs and there are some commonalities. I was there voluntarily. I could have signed out AMA any time. I saw a lot of people that did. It was sad that they gave up so quickly.
So on to your questions:
1. This is perfectly normal. That first week of rehab felt like a month. I can remember the physical and mental pain of almost every single minute. I was there for alcohol, but I was also detoxing from ungodly doses of benzos that helped save my life from the alcohol withdrawal.
Rehab is not a hotel. Honestly, most are one step up from a prison. And it should be that way. Because severe addicts left to our own devices will manipulate our way to any kind of relief. At my rehab, they woke me up every day at 5:45am during the detox week to check my vitals and dose meds. We slept on plastic mattresses with plastic pillows. And this was supposedly the nicest rehab in the area! Every day feels the same. I was so uncomfortable that I would pick fights with the detox nurses. And then I'd have to apologize later. The first week at my rehab, they pretty much let detoxers sleep it off. But there would be room checks hourly and vitals checks every few hours. It was awful, but still not as bad as the hell I was in when I was actively drinking.
2. Yes, it does get better! After about a week for me, the fog started lifting. The room stopped spinning. I was able to start attending groups. I think after day 7, I only missed 2 groups the rest of the 30 days. This is where the real work is done. I learned so much about my addiction, my triggers, the 12-steps, and how to stay sober. The told me exactly what I needed to do when I got out. I have followed their directions to a T and now I have 6 months next week.
I would let your wife know that rehab is a community. When she starts feeling better, it's such a great idea to start talking to people and hearing their stories. I learned very quickly that even though I had a very different background from so many others, we all had the same issues, weaknesses, fears and struggles.
At my rehab, we had small group in the morning. Usually about 7-10 people and a counselor. We talked about everything. No holds barred. No judgement. We really bonded together as a group. I am still friends with someone in my small group and we go to AA meetings together.
Then maybe a lecture about relapse prevention. Lunch. Free time (but no going back to your room). People smoked their cigs, played basketball, cards, talked, made friends, etc. I personally did a lot of self-reflection and reading. I starting realizing the how my addictions affected my loved ones.
Then more small groups based on a specific topic (men/women's groups, age specific groups, grief and loss group, etc.). You had a new group each week. Then maybe meditation or yoga. Dinner. Then finally, a mandatory AA or NA meeting at night. I loved the meetings because the outside speakers gave me hope and taught me not to fear the program. Dessert, then bed at 11pm. Up at 5:45 the next day.
There was also one on one counseling and family counseling throughout the week.
Truthfully, after that first hellish week, I loved my rehab experience. Truly a lifesaver. No hyperbole. I would be dead right now and my family would be grieving if I didn't stay the full 30 days.
3. Can't help you with this one. Check out the friends and family of addicts forum for advice on how to deal with this. Al-anon/Nar-anon are also great resources. I know when I said I was going to rehab, my mom said don't call me to pick you up before the 30 days. I'm glad she did.
4. Many rehabs are 12-step based. I attended one. But there are not all the same. Like I said before, commonalities, but no one trick solution. The 12-step solution has worked for me. I go to meetings every day, I have a sponsor, a home group, and I work steps. Just like my rehab told me to do.
5. See answer to #3.
I know this is a lot to swallow. It must feel like you have no control over the situation. And the truth is, you don't. Your wife's recovery is in her hands. I pray she makes the best of it. Good luck!
to SR! You'll find a lot of support here. 
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