This time it has to work
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Beijing, China
Posts: 23
This time it has to work
Hi (again),
I won't lie and say that this is the first time I'm on the wagon, I have tried many times before, but last night I had something of a break down/ break through.
I got hopelessly drunk, and typically did all sorts of horrible and embarassing things, however I did finally admit to my partner that I am an alcoholic and can't take it any more. I have never ever admitted it to anyone I know as this would mean they would no longer allow me to drink. After admitting it to my partner I have this morning told all my friends (not that I have many thanks to my alcoholism). While I understand that you can't stop drinking just because of other people, it has to be for yourself, but I have wanted to be sober for so long, now having a support system not just online but in my real life feels amazing.
This site has always been extremely helpful and I will keep it as my home page this time, thanks for all the support and help in advance!
I won't lie and say that this is the first time I'm on the wagon, I have tried many times before, but last night I had something of a break down/ break through.
I got hopelessly drunk, and typically did all sorts of horrible and embarassing things, however I did finally admit to my partner that I am an alcoholic and can't take it any more. I have never ever admitted it to anyone I know as this would mean they would no longer allow me to drink. After admitting it to my partner I have this morning told all my friends (not that I have many thanks to my alcoholism). While I understand that you can't stop drinking just because of other people, it has to be for yourself, but I have wanted to be sober for so long, now having a support system not just online but in my real life feels amazing.
This site has always been extremely helpful and I will keep it as my home page this time, thanks for all the support and help in advance!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi haribo - welcome back 
Got to admit this worries me a little.
I found I couldn't count on my friends to keep me sober - they either relented right away cos they didn't want to be my sobriety police, or I resented them for not letting me drink, got angry and then they relented.
You're right it needs to be internal - so whats your plan?
D
I have never ever admitted it to anyone I know as this would mean they would no longer allow me to drink.
I found I couldn't count on my friends to keep me sober - they either relented right away cos they didn't want to be my sobriety police, or I resented them for not letting me drink, got angry and then they relented.
You're right it needs to be internal - so whats your plan?
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Welcome!
You know Dee is right. I kept believing I could stop drinking for my husband and children, but I ended up with so much resentment it was awful. In the end, I did it for myself.
Please continue to read and post.
You know Dee is right. I kept believing I could stop drinking for my husband and children, but I ended up with so much resentment it was awful. In the end, I did it for myself.
Please continue to read and post.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi haribo - welcome back
Got to admit this worries me a little.
I found I couldn't count on my friends to keep me sober - they either relented right away cos they didn't want to be my sobriety police, or I resented them for not letting me drink, got angry and then they relented.
You're right it needs to be internal - so whats your plan?
D
Got to admit this worries me a little.
I found I couldn't count on my friends to keep me sober - they either relented right away cos they didn't want to be my sobriety police, or I resented them for not letting me drink, got angry and then they relented.
You're right it needs to be internal - so whats your plan?
D
I only say this because I identify with it if I'm right. What haribo is saying is that we kept our secret to ourselves because the more people that knew the more accountable we were. If we kept our mouths shut then no one would say anything if they saw us drinking. Even though we now realize that we must do this for ourselves and not for anyone else letting people know helps to hold us accountable.
At least that's the way it was for me this time. I kept it as quiet as I could in prior attempts. That way, if I failed no one was the wiser. This time I was ready and committed. I didn't shout it from the rooftops but I told my husband, my daughter, my drinking buds, and those closest to me in my family. For me that meant it was "out there". That was a huge help to me even though this time it's for me.
habiro, am I incorrect here? I think I understand what you're saying to be what I stated.
One last edit: I went back and read and I could also be wrong but what threw me is that habiro is stating that it's understood that it must be done for ourselves.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by Anna
Welcome!
You know Dee is right. I kept believing I could stop drinking for my husband and children, but I ended up with so much resentment it was awful. In the end, I did it for myself.
Please continue to read and post.
You know Dee is right. I kept believing I could stop drinking for my husband and children, but I ended up with so much resentment it was awful. In the end, I did it for myself.
Please continue to read and post.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by Dee74
just sharing my experience LB - if I've misinterpreted it may be useful to others if not the OP
D
D
I also could have misinterpreted too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Beijing, China
Posts: 23
just to clarify
Sorry if my post wasn't clear before! Don't worry, my motivation for quitting is purely for me, nobody else. I completely agree that only when we quit for ourselves and not for other people, will it really work at all.
Around 3 years ago I was with a boyfriend who couldn't take my drinking (he was a teetotaller himself) and so to stop him from breaking up with me I stopped drinking, which didn't work one bit, it simply meant that any time he would go away on business or when I had the day off, I would hit the bottle often even harder than before, simply because I could get away with it. The bottom line was I wasn't stopping drinking because I wanted to, but because he wanted me to.
What I meant in my original post was that this time by telling people, my drinking problem becomes a fact. before, I never told anybody, because I thought that when (not 'if', but 'when', sadly enough) I fall off the wagon again that there would be no backlash. By not telling anybody, it always kept that window open to drink again.
This time, I'm quitting because I hate alcohol, period.
Around 3 years ago I was with a boyfriend who couldn't take my drinking (he was a teetotaller himself) and so to stop him from breaking up with me I stopped drinking, which didn't work one bit, it simply meant that any time he would go away on business or when I had the day off, I would hit the bottle often even harder than before, simply because I could get away with it. The bottom line was I wasn't stopping drinking because I wanted to, but because he wanted me to.
What I meant in my original post was that this time by telling people, my drinking problem becomes a fact. before, I never told anybody, because I thought that when (not 'if', but 'when', sadly enough) I fall off the wagon again that there would be no backlash. By not telling anybody, it always kept that window open to drink again.
This time, I'm quitting because I hate alcohol, period.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Originally Posted by haribo158
Sorry if my post wasn't clear before! Don't worry, my motivation for quitting is purely for me, nobody else. I completely agree that only when we quit for ourselves and not for other people, will it really work at all.
Around 3 years ago I was with a boyfriend who couldn't take my drinking (he was a teetotaller himself) and so to stop him from breaking up with me I stopped drinking, which didn't work one bit, it simply meant that any time he would go away on business or when I had the day off, I would hit the bottle often even harder than before, simply because I could get away with it. The bottom line was I wasn't stopping drinking because I wanted to, but because he wanted me to.
What I meant in my original post was that this time by telling people, my drinking problem becomes a fact. before, I never told anybody, because I thought that when (not 'if', but 'when', sadly enough) I fall off the wagon again that there would be no backlash. By not telling anybody, it always kept that window open to drink again.
This time, I'm quitting because I hate alcohol, period.
Around 3 years ago I was with a boyfriend who couldn't take my drinking (he was a teetotaller himself) and so to stop him from breaking up with me I stopped drinking, which didn't work one bit, it simply meant that any time he would go away on business or when I had the day off, I would hit the bottle often even harder than before, simply because I could get away with it. The bottom line was I wasn't stopping drinking because I wanted to, but because he wanted me to.
What I meant in my original post was that this time by telling people, my drinking problem becomes a fact. before, I never told anybody, because I thought that when (not 'if', but 'when', sadly enough) I fall off the wagon again that there would be no backlash. By not telling anybody, it always kept that window open to drink again.
This time, I'm quitting because I hate alcohol, period.
Your post is music to my ears, it's the exact place that I was in the day that I came to the conclusion that I was done with it. By doing it for me and by finally telling those that needed to know, I removed my capability to resent them and to use that as an excuse to drink. By this I mean when the AV came calling days after the decision was made it was so very easy to think "I can drink, it's not up to THEM to decide for me." By doing it for me I removed the resentment and it was replaced with will and determination. By telling the people who needed to know, and to keep my sobriety safe, I made my choice a "fact" and not just a fleeting decision that nobody knew about so that I could retract it at any time.
It sounds like you're in that same place which is so great!
I'm so happy for you haribo!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Originally Posted by LadyBlue0527
Dee, I'm going to go out on a limb here but you may have read that wrong. I might be wrong too.
I only say this because I identify with it if I'm right. What haribo is saying is that we kept our secret to ourselves because the more people that knew the more accountable we were. If we kept our mouths shut then no one would say anything if they saw us drinking. Even though we now realize that we must do this for ourselves and not for anyone else letting people know helps to hold us accountable.
I only say this because I identify with it if I'm right. What haribo is saying is that we kept our secret to ourselves because the more people that knew the more accountable we were. If we kept our mouths shut then no one would say anything if they saw us drinking. Even though we now realize that we must do this for ourselves and not for anyone else letting people know helps to hold us accountable.
That was me, too. As long as I didn't admit it I could continue on without addressing the issue. It was scary to "come out" and announce that I couldn't manage my drinking; it meant my decision was permanent and there was no going back. That would have been like trying to put the toothpaste pack in the tube.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 444
Originally Posted by haribo158
Sorry if my post wasn't clear before! Don't worry, my motivation for quitting is purely for me, nobody else. I completely agree that only when we quit for ourselves and not for other people, will it really work at all.
Around 3 years ago I was with a boyfriend who couldn't take my drinking (he was a teetotaller himself) and so to stop him from breaking up with me I stopped drinking, which didn't work one bit, it simply meant that any time he would go away on business or when I had the day off, I would hit the bottle often even harder than before, simply because I could get away with it. The bottom line was I wasn't stopping drinking because I wanted to, but because he wanted me to.
What I meant in my original post was that this time by telling people, my drinking problem becomes a fact. before, I never told anybody, because I thought that when (not 'if', but 'when', sadly enough) I fall off the wagon again that there would be no backlash. By not telling anybody, it always kept that window open to drink again.
This time, I'm quitting because I hate alcohol, period.
Around 3 years ago I was with a boyfriend who couldn't take my drinking (he was a teetotaller himself) and so to stop him from breaking up with me I stopped drinking, which didn't work one bit, it simply meant that any time he would go away on business or when I had the day off, I would hit the bottle often even harder than before, simply because I could get away with it. The bottom line was I wasn't stopping drinking because I wanted to, but because he wanted me to.
What I meant in my original post was that this time by telling people, my drinking problem becomes a fact. before, I never told anybody, because I thought that when (not 'if', but 'when', sadly enough) I fall off the wagon again that there would be no backlash. By not telling anybody, it always kept that window open to drink again.
This time, I'm quitting because I hate alcohol, period.
I read it this way, and I must say, it sounds awful familiar to my own first (and second...) 'sobering experience'. The second time though, I didn't just tell my wife. I have told (select, but many) friends and family. I'm quitting for me, but they all now 'know the score' with me, and at least with my friends, they are all universally supportive (many were shocked, but got over it quickly).
I think that getting it out there, building a support group of people who care about you/that you care about is tremendously helpful. It has been for me.
Good luck, and welcome.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
