lala1027

New to the forum, I have been reading posts for what feels like days. I keep trying to make sense of my current situation. I guess my story starts out the same as everyone else's. I finished my masters and started working for a fortune 10 major corporation. I pride myself on my career. I met ex and it was a whirlwind romance. He treated me better than anyone has, I've never had so much fun. I should have seen the warning signs, I knew there were red flags. For starters, when I met him he was barely getting by, after I met him I helped him find a new place and helped him improve his life. I upgraded everything he had, because I was staying with him a lot. Now I wonder if he ever loved me or just saw money and a great woman. When I met him he didn't drink like he does now. After a year of us being alone, playing house, hanging out with our mutual friends like a normal couple. In February of this past year, His drinking increased, he became this out of control bindge drinking monster. He'd party all day and all night for at least the entire weekend and most likely 1-2 nights per week. I have been yelled at, verbally and mentally abused, cheated on, physically pushed around, left places etc. You name it he's done it but only when he was drunk. I tried to stop caring and when he was drinking learned to not try and stop him and I'd go to bed. I'd try to avoid fighting with him drunk. I've tried to leave only to be pulled into his fake promises. The final straw was when he left me at home ignored my calls and ended up doing cocaine till 5 in the morning with a group of his party friends. When I was sitting up wondering where his drunk ass was or if he was cheating I started going through things. I found he's had 4 DUIs last being in 2006. He has a criminal record with 30 things on it all alcohol related , I found in files he was dishonorably discharged from the military, he was out talking to other women and he was bringing home more money than he told me. I was helping to support him, his place, my place and myself. I was working my butt off to pay for things for him thinking. He was trying at work. Come to find out he's spending $400+ On alcohol a week for months.

Upon finding all of this and finding him in a coke house passed out in his own ****, dead broke, with no phone, no idea where he was ... I packed myself and my dog and moved out. I read that I was being an enabler so I immediately stopped paying for everything. I texted him like crazy, screamed, yelled, called his family (which of course they deny). He calls me crazy and insane but I'm the only person who will tell him what he's doing is wrong.

I'm struggling. I don't understand why I can't move forward with myself. I know he's out partying , running around with other women, he drank 25 of the 32 days since I left. How does an educated, smart, beautiful woman end up in this situation? How did I fall in love with someone like this? I've cried everyday for months. I'm crushed and heartbroken. I'm besides myself with grief and he's out running around having the time of his life with no remorse.

He's tried contacting me saying he wants to work things out but never is changing anything, still hiding, lying, manipulating. Is this what alcoholics do? I just don't understand he's not the same person at all. He barely makes sense when you speak to him now.

I'm just so lost. I have started seeing a therapist and today is my first day of starting No contact again. Although he's prob not going to let me go easily, he comes back around and is so convincing. This last time I saw through it and didnt give in. Thankfully he's not got the best of me. I can say I can sleep through the night although my anxiety has increased, I think I'm depressed (not sure if it's grieving), and I'm just so heartbroken.

least

Welcome to the family! You've got a lot going on in your life. No wonder you're feeling rotten.

You know it has to be him wanting recovery, which it sounds like he doesn't, and what you want doesn't matter to him at all.

I'd stay away from him and count my blessings that he didn't do me any more harm than he already did.

As for how you fell for him... I'm supposed to be intelligent too yet I fell for an abusive heavy drinker and it took me a long time to get free. I look back at that time in my life and see that my attitude was that I could "fix" him. I could love away his problems... but I couldn't. I had to let him go and get on with my life.



I hope you find some peace in your life. As my dad used to say "when you're alone at least you know you're in good company."

Spinach

Keep moving. You have a good life to remodel . Just because he's unable to control himself doesn't mean it was wrong for you, it just means for you it had a sell by date.
The world is out there and maybe loves blindness won't visit you or even need to be.
Remember it's finished when you say it is.
John.

Yankee73

lala- reading your story made me shudder; this guy has all of the traits of a sociopath (lying, manipulating, cheating, no remorse, etc.). I am so glad you escaped.

lala1027

I forgot to say my psychiatrist has not met him but from what she has heard over the 1.5 years says he has a great deal of sociopathic tendencies. I have been starting to do research on that, I don't really understand how to make sense of it. He's very charismatic, good looking, manipulative, abusive, he's 32 skated by on using people and games. I can genuinely tell he feels no remorse and From what my psychiatrist and I gather he doesn't have much of conscious at all. I just attributed it to his drinking but from what my psychiatrist says he has many mental issues as well.

EndGameNYC

Your relationship was dead before it started, lala1027. It's been waiting all this time for a proper burial.

You met a lying, slippery, manipulative, and self-centered con artist and thief, and you've allowed yourself to cooperate with and, at times, tacitly endorse all his bad behavior, even those times he's abused you.

We're only victims for as long as we don't know that someone is abusing us. After that, we're either co-conspirators or survivors.

Time to start shoveling.

Bird615

Wow, that brought up memories. My last relationship was with Mr. Charming Alcoholic. I knew he had a problem with drinking, I was warned he had the meanest mouth in my city and I still fell for him. He knew all the right things to say to keep me around. When he was sober, he was the sweetest guy, but even though he tried for a while, he just did not want sobriety.

It took me 6 years to get away from him (all this while I was sober, mind you, pure insanity). The only way I could finally do it for good, was to end all contact, refusing even to speak to him, because I knew by then just how easily he could pull me back. I even had to get a restraining order, but it worked.

It broke my heart, but I finally realized that a life with him meant a life of heartache.

If I had stayed with him, I never would have met my husband and ended up happily married. Sadly, that boyfriend ended up partying himself to death. He was found dead on his kitchen floor but I know I had exhausted every avenue possible in trying to prevent that from happening. That is my powerlessness over alcohol.

You will heal from this and you have opened the door for better things to come your way now. I wish you peace.