The good , the bad and the ugly.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
The good , the bad and the ugly.
The Good
I think I had a light bulb moment yesterday. I was reading about codependency in one of Cynical One's blogs and I suddenly realized that more than just having ended up in a codependent relationship with my partner I may actually be a codependent "type" person. I always knew I was "Mrs Fixit" but where I've viewed this as being a "problem solver" I think perhaps I'm often solving problems that are none of my business. This is embarrassing to admit but recently friends of ours separated and I found myself actively determining who had been "dumped" by whom and then spending a couple of evenings counselling him and giving advice where "sorry to hear your news" would most likely have been enough. Already a couple of times I have stopped myself barging into other people's business at work. Its a revelation.
The Bad
Awareness Acceptance then Action huh? I'm not liking Awareness. I know ultimately its my path to change. I get it, but before my partner went to work yesterday we had a nice normal conversation for an hour. We laughed and he spoke about a big trip we are meant to take next year. Awareness hung over the whole scene like a black cloud. I know that yes there is a wholesome, happy life ahead for me either with or without him but Awareness made me mourn the future I once thought we would have. I found myself wishing for a time , not necessarily at the sunshine and rainbows of the beginning, but even a month or two ago, pre Awareness.
The Ugly (or maybe funny)
I had to go to work really early this morning and it was still late night for my A. We both work odd hours so he hadn't actually started drinking until the middle of the night. We talked for a while and he was being particularly loving (probably because I was completely ignoring the fact he was drinking) Now I no longer care much for his declarations of love when he is sloppily drunk but it was better than some scenarios.
Anyway as I drove to work a text came in on my phone it said "love is eternal" A couple of years ago I would have found this romantic. More recently I would have been likely to text back something like "for people or beer?" This morning I read it and thought one word "QUACK" put the phone down without responding and carried on planning my day at work.
That felt good. Thank You SR
I think I had a light bulb moment yesterday. I was reading about codependency in one of Cynical One's blogs and I suddenly realized that more than just having ended up in a codependent relationship with my partner I may actually be a codependent "type" person. I always knew I was "Mrs Fixit" but where I've viewed this as being a "problem solver" I think perhaps I'm often solving problems that are none of my business. This is embarrassing to admit but recently friends of ours separated and I found myself actively determining who had been "dumped" by whom and then spending a couple of evenings counselling him and giving advice where "sorry to hear your news" would most likely have been enough. Already a couple of times I have stopped myself barging into other people's business at work. Its a revelation.
The Bad
Awareness Acceptance then Action huh? I'm not liking Awareness. I know ultimately its my path to change. I get it, but before my partner went to work yesterday we had a nice normal conversation for an hour. We laughed and he spoke about a big trip we are meant to take next year. Awareness hung over the whole scene like a black cloud. I know that yes there is a wholesome, happy life ahead for me either with or without him but Awareness made me mourn the future I once thought we would have. I found myself wishing for a time , not necessarily at the sunshine and rainbows of the beginning, but even a month or two ago, pre Awareness.
The Ugly (or maybe funny)
I had to go to work really early this morning and it was still late night for my A. We both work odd hours so he hadn't actually started drinking until the middle of the night. We talked for a while and he was being particularly loving (probably because I was completely ignoring the fact he was drinking) Now I no longer care much for his declarations of love when he is sloppily drunk but it was better than some scenarios.
Anyway as I drove to work a text came in on my phone it said "love is eternal" A couple of years ago I would have found this romantic. More recently I would have been likely to text back something like "for people or beer?" This morning I read it and thought one word "QUACK" put the phone down without responding and carried on planning my day at work.
That felt good. Thank You SR
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Great post! I was that same "Fixit" person. I also had to realize that I was stepping in to solve things for others all the time. Once I let it go, and it took effort, everything got easier in my life! Work, home, friends, etc. I stay on my side of the street, and my life is so much easier because if it. Way less on my plate. And somehow without my help, others manage to solve their own problems! Who knew?
The awareness is necessary to get real happiness and serenity. Learning when to respond, and when to just put the phone back down, is part of the healing. You can detach from what the A does, and go on with your day.
Bravo!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
JJ, you have come a long ways in a short time--good for you! Putting the phone down was a huge step. Congratulations on your growth.
Regarding the Awareness, Acceptance, Action thing: My particular stumbling block is not the "awareness" part, as you say it is for you. Mine is the "acceptance" thing--having become Aware of the problem, I want to jump instantly and decisively to Action! Fix this IMMEDIATELY, if not sooner, and screw that Acceptance $hit!
The three A's are important too...
Again, you have made great strides, JJ. Wishing you strength and clarity to keep seeing your way forward and walking in that direction.
Regarding the Awareness, Acceptance, Action thing: My particular stumbling block is not the "awareness" part, as you say it is for you. Mine is the "acceptance" thing--having become Aware of the problem, I want to jump instantly and decisively to Action! Fix this IMMEDIATELY, if not sooner, and screw that Acceptance $hit!
The three A's are important too...
Again, you have made great strides, JJ. Wishing you strength and clarity to keep seeing your way forward and walking in that direction.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
Awesome post. I was just thinking last nite about how I have spent years being 'miss or mrs fix it'.
Then I'd get mad at the objects of my fixing for not being grateful for my help! Ungrateful so and so's that they all were! Lol
One of the greatest gifts I have learnt in recovery is the ability to say to someone 'I'm so sorry that is happening for you or to you.' And leave it at that.
I'm certainly not perfect at it but am 100 million times better than I was.
It's a very freeing way to live.
Then I'd get mad at the objects of my fixing for not being grateful for my help! Ungrateful so and so's that they all were! Lol
One of the greatest gifts I have learnt in recovery is the ability to say to someone 'I'm so sorry that is happening for you or to you.' And leave it at that.
I'm certainly not perfect at it but am 100 million times better than I was.
It's a very freeing way to live.
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