Freebird13

I started Step 4 today. First I listed on one page my "good" qualities, on the second page, I listed my "bad" qualities.

I then made three columns--first to list the person I was resentful toward, second to list the cause of the resentment and third to list the effects of the resentment.

So now what? I am confused as to what to do next. My sponsor is really old and not much help because I just found out that although she has been an AA member for over 30 years, she never really worked the steps. I still want to keep her as a sponsor though as she is very wise, inspiring and caring and it was hard to find a sponsor in the first place.

I hope to gain direction on the Steps in this forum.

Coldfusion

You're right about at the same point I am in completing the steps, so I don't have any experience on that question. I plan to read my Big Book, 12 and & 12, and NA It Works: How and Why pertinent pages.

I rely on my sponsor to direct me through the steps, but I saw very early on that there were ways that I was helping my sponsor too. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to help your sponsor learn something?

DayTrader

I've heard of the good/bad list before......not sure where it comes from as it's not AA / not part of the 4th step inventory.

The book asks you to list everyone with whom you're angry. If you're not "angry" toward someone but have a resentment attached to them (a pain you continue to re-feel), they go on the list. I usually recommend no more than 4 or 5 names per side of paper as you run out of room for the other 3 columns (yes, the Big Book inventory is a FOUR column inventory, not a 3 column one).

In column 2, just like the example in the book, you write why you're angry / resentful (the cause) - be brief.

Column 3 contains what part of self was effected (sex relations, personal relations, self-esteem, security, pride, security or $).

Column 4 contains (p67) how/where you were selfish, self-seeking, dishonest or afraid.

You may decide to keep her as your sponsor but just like I had to do, it will be helpful to find someone who knows the solution and how to work the steps rather than just someone you think is wise but hasn't worked the steps. The lady with all the years may not even be alcoholic (not everyone in AA is, of course).

And Cold......don't over-complicate it. You're welcome to do any inventory you want. One from the 12x12, NA, or as directed by a therapist. The one that's part of the solution to alcoholism is the one in the Big Book so that's the one I'd recommend the most. Doing other inventories has helped me but I do them in ADDITION the the BB one.

It helps if you read the 4th step pages in the BB verrrrrrrrry slowly. Sentence by sentence. It's so simple most people (including me) read right past it the first time. All the directions are right there. honest.

Freebird13

Thanks Daytrader! I carefully reread Step 4 in the BB last night. I think I am pretty much done with listing columns 1, 2 and 3 and will start working on Column 4. The BB seems also to suggest that I immediately go to Step 5.

Joe Nerv

BB does lay it out real simply. I did 4th steps other ways first (with a Hazleton guide, and some other binder bound guide that was circulating at the time of my first 4ths), and was kinda surprised that the BB way was actually easier. I did however expand just a bit with the column stuff, as the simplicity in which the BB lays it out didn't really resonate with me. I wrote the words as directed, "affects my self esteem, etc.", but had to be clear with myself exactly how. More important than that column though, was the last. I really needed to look at MY actions in each of the institutions I was resentful towards. Simply saying I was self seeking, jealous, or whatever was just spitting out words for me. Like going to confession when I was a kid and telling a priest, "I lied, I was disrespectful to my parents, I cursed.... ". I needed to to dig deep and fearlessly into what I did that wasn't cool, and why. All while trusting that I was guided through a 3rd step prayer my sponsor advised I do before each time I picked up a pen.

For me, being as honest and thorough as I could possibly be were key. I'm not a believer that it needs to be done precicely as laid out in the book, as I know lots of sober people who never even did a 4th step (as do you), yet remain happily sober for decades. I do however believe the way it's presented in the BB is simple enough for anyone to do, and gets the job done siccinctly.

mick3580

Don't forget to do fear and then sex as the book suggests. I've seen people just do resentments and then think they have completed step four.

shi

so how will doing step 4 help me?? ive actually done it (and thoroughly too) 4 times but i seem to not understand why it is done. thanx

tomsteve

Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning, which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions.

We did exactly the same thing with our lives. We took stock honestly. First, we searched out the flaws in our make-up which caused our failure. Being convinced that self, manifested in various ways, was what had defeated us, we considered its common manifestations.


We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty.

have you done it with a sponsor,shi?

Joe Nerv

Have you continued with the rest of the steps? I think the reason behind it will become apparent if you do. I also advise doing them with a sponsor, or friend to help guide you.