AH Making Major LIfe Change with less than 2 weeks sober

Old 09-18-2013, 11:33 PM
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AH Making Major LIfe Change with less than 2 weeks sober

My AH has just informed me that he has filed for divorce. I will be served the papers in a couple days. I am shocked. I am still trying to understand what I am feeling.

We have been heading down this road for the past 3 years. I have been working on me. I attend Alanon, do yoga, and read endlessly here at SR. I reached my bottom a couple months ago after the shoe dropped once again. I told him I didn't want to live with his drinking any longer. Quit and get some help or I want a divorce.

2 days after quitting drinking we had a heart to heart and he told me he knew after hearing the stories in AA that he had hurt me and understood it would take time to mend. I suggested that we would give ourselves 30 days and talk about things at that time. There were some conflicts and I then suggested that we not speak to each other for 30 days. I do my best to just go about my business and I don't initiate conversation. He is going to meetings every day and ends up sharing with me about his meetings. He shared with me that he is having a problem with Step 1. He says he might be a heavy drinker, but doesn't think he is an alcoholic. He has been a daily wine drinker for over 50 years, drinking 2 bottles of wine a night and he doesn't admit to the full extent of his supplementing with Vodka over the past year. He was high functioning and financially responsible. Didn't drink until 4pm and everyone thinks he is a great guy. But behind closed doors....those classic characteristics of an A show up. Lack of respect, blame shifting, emotionally unavailable, the negativity, the judgement....it's enough to suck the life out of the strongest woman.

Since I've been given the news, I've gone through a wide range of emotions. I'm hurt that he did this without first discussing it with me since we had agreed to give it 30 days. I'm hurting because I have have loved this man deeply. We have been together almost 10 years. I'm hurt that he is casting me aside because he is so impatient with the process. I'm scared for the future. I will be 58 in a couple weeks and I left my job 5 years ago so we could travel and enjoy life. I have very limited resources for retirement.

He said he can't promise me that he will never drink and knows that since I no longer wish to live with the drinking that is why he filed for divorce. He added that if we decide to work things out we don't have to follow through...we can just set it all aside. I see his actions as being very manipulative. Who files for divorce and then throws out that kind of crumb?? I believe he is going the distance (by filing) as a last ditch effort to gain control, perhaps thinking that once I am faced with the reality of the divorce, I will reconsider and choose the comfortable life (with all the insanity that comes with with living with an alcoholic) over an uncertain future.

I am very sad that he decided our marriage was over but I also feel a sense of relief that he did what ultimately I would have found so hard to do when he does decide to have that first drink.......and he will. As difficult as it will be to make this life change, I know my heart wants peace far more than I want a security blanket. I'll be contacting my lawyer in the morning.

So, why is he still going to AA? To my knowledge he isn't drinking.
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Old 09-18-2013, 11:46 PM
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Why is he still at AA.....GOOD QUESTION
I drank for 50 years,first 25 extreme, later light, moderate, heavy.........
Consider myself an alcoholic full term and the notions that alcoholics must be extreme to me is a bit misleading. WE can get in to plenty of mischief moderately too.

Think you are wise to opt out of a relationship that demands its own terms relevant to alcoholism.
Never mind, who knows what new good the future holds in store.
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Old 09-19-2013, 01:27 AM
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Originally Posted by OnlyOneProblem View Post

He said he can't promise me that he will never drink and knows that since I no longer wish to live with the drinking that is why he filed for divorce.

To my knowledge he isn't drinking.
Because he is thinking about drinking. He is going to drink.
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Old 09-19-2013, 02:39 AM
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All right. I can certainly identify with your scenario. Sorry you are in such straits. Though for you there's promise for a better future.

My advice? Hoard money! Get your valuables out of there! Talk to a lawyer! Protect yourself!

He wants you to keep to an unwritten but mutually agreed on contract allowing the good life to continue...so long as you leave this little drinking-thing alone.

You think the unwritten contract states, 'honesty and relationship above all else'.

My AH became the monster I feared he was when the little drinking-elephant-thing was finally identified by both of us for what it was. A few AA and Al-Anon meetings and he couldn't handle it. He came at me, I went to the police. Game over.

He's unleashing the 7 plagues on me and the kiddos. But I'm laughing at him finally. Ha! That's all you got? Well, guess what? I am loving my life!!!

Who needs them? Not you and not I! Take courage! When the house of cards collapses you see that you were always in God's hands, whether cowering in the fragile little dark house or out here in the fresh open air.
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Old 09-19-2013, 05:21 AM
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Since I've been given the news, I've gone through a wide range of emotions. I'm hurt that he did this without first discussing it with me since we had agreed to give it 30 days. I'm hurting because I have have loved this man deeply. We have been together almost 10 years. I'm hurt that he is casting me aside because he is so impatient with the process. I'm scared for the future. I will be 58 in a couple weeks and I left my job 5 years ago so we could travel and enjoy life. I have very limited resources for retirement.

He said he can't promise me that he will never drink and knows that since I no longer wish to live with the drinking that is why he filed for divorce. He added that if we decide to work things out we don't have to follow through...we can just set it all aside. I see his actions as being very manipulative. Who files for divorce and then throws out that kind of crumb?? I believe he is going the distance (by filing) as a last ditch effort to gain control, perhaps thinking that once I am faced with the reality of the divorce, I will reconsider and choose the comfortable life (with all the insanity that comes with with living with an alcoholic) over an uncertain future.

I am very sad that he decided our marriage was over but I also feel a sense of relief that he did what ultimately I would have found so hard to do when he does decide to have that first drink.......and he will. As difficult as it will be to make this life change, I know my heart wants peace far more than I want a security blanket. I'll be contacting my lawyer in the morning.
Sounds like A manipulation to me. You will find that peace does come from moving forward, getting your mind out of that place of fear. Awareness, Acceptance, Action. Who knows what the future holds, have faith in your path.
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Old 09-19-2013, 06:29 AM
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Load up the covered wagon;saddle up the horses--Forward HO!!!


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Manipulate that!
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Old 09-19-2013, 06:42 AM
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Well done OnlyOneProblem - whilst I understand that this is very hard I'm also reading that you're also at peace with the decision. I too think he's trying to control you, so please don't let him. For you you may be opening the door to a bigger and wider world. Best of luck xx
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Old 09-19-2013, 07:01 AM
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I'm sorry you are hurting. I agree that this is a manipulation on his part, one he will one day regret. You will one day realize that this is a gift.

Until then, be gentle to yourself and take whatever time you need to process your new reality.
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Old 09-19-2013, 08:24 AM
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He measured the problems and the options.

1. Stop Drinking

OR

2. Dump Wife

Guess which one looks easier (at this point)?

Pity Them. Truly Pity Them.
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Old 09-19-2013, 08:54 AM
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You already told him you don't want to live with his drinking anymore. He's letting you know that he's going to drink. He may be sober for the moment, but if he can't even get Step 1 his sobriety will be short lived. He's not recognizing that he's an alcoholic.

He's showing you who he is. Believe him. I also think he's manipulating, and is expecting you to now panic and beg to work it out. Then he gets everything he wants....he gets to drink and you go back on your boundary.

You will look back one day and see the blessing in this. He's setting you free from this chaos. So now find important documents that you will need, get your own checking account, see an attorney for advice, and take care of you.

You're going to be okay.
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Old 09-19-2013, 09:16 AM
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I agree with you, what's the point of AA if you aren't going to work the steps. For social hour? Or he isn't going all that much...

We all have our moment of illumination when we know that's it, they aren't ready/going to change and we can't wait around for if and when it will happen. I think you just had yours.
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Old 09-19-2013, 09:29 AM
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Aww - I'm so sorry.

KUDOS to you for recognizing the ploy, and sending you strength and peace to stick to your guns and keep moving your life forward in a happy and healthy direction!!
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Old 09-19-2013, 03:27 PM
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Thank you for your support and kind replies. It is also good to hear others feeling the same way I do about AH manipulation tactic. There is strength in numbers and I so much appreciate each and every comment about my situation. While I have only discussed this with my daughter, my sister and my best friend - They know me and love me and will always be there to support me, it is you folks here at SR that give me the validation that keeps me sane.

I learned a little more about the situation today. Before I contacted my attorney today I wanted to be very clear with my AH what his intentions were. Not only did he file "To let me know he was serious" he filed to protect himself regarding alimony, wanting the filing on record before our upcoming anniversary as that file date determines the length of the marriage.

He continues to blame me, saying he had to do something because he couldn't continue to live this way and I wouldn't even give him a congratulatory hug for going to AA. That's right, I didn't give him a hug.

I contacted my attorney and he responded for my AH to have the papers served to his office. It is so hard to believe that this is really happening.

My job now is to give this over to my HP. I have an excellent attorney and feel confident that he will serve me well.

Thanks again for listening and sharing. I have a feeling this will get worse here before it gets better as we negotiate a settlement. Thanks in advance for you positive energy.
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Old 09-19-2013, 03:35 PM
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WHAT??? You didn't give him a hug??? Well, now it all makes sense!

Seriously, is he in kindergarten? He needs a hug for going to AA or he'll divorce you? Sheeeesh.

Good for you on giving it over to your HP. Let HP and your attorney take it from here. Work really hard on detachment, don't get pulled into any blame game crap. Just say "mmm hmm" and let it go when he quacks at you. Are you in AlAnon? That is a great place to get experience, strength, and hope.
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Old 09-20-2013, 01:23 PM
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What he thinks and does is irrelevant. I hope you can focus on yourself and get to Alanon, where there is great help in learning to let go of sick people. Of course change is scary but in my case, life soared when I tearfully separated from a drunk.
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:36 PM
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Emotionally drained!

2 days ago AH informs me that he filed for divorce. Today he tells me he wants our marriage to work. This is some crazy making stuff.

What kind of person does this? He has spent 7 of the past 9 weeks telling me that he is not an alcoholic and that he is not going to stop drinking. He then decides to go to AA. Stops drinking but he is having problems with Step 1. Agreed to give our relationship 30 days. Doesn't wait 30 days. Files for divorce because he says he can't promise he will never have another drink, but says we can set the divorce aside if we work things out.

Today He's saying that he's been going to AA for the wrong reasons. He was going to find out if he was an alcoholic. Doesn't matter if he is or not, he says. If his drinking is a problem then he doesn't want to ever have another drink because he wants our marriage to work!

All I said was "How can I believe anything you say?"

I think of all the times in the past when he would finally "Get it". I would believe him and we would move forward as though nothing happened.....until the next time.

This time, I don't get it. Seriously. How can he go to the time and trouble to draw up a marital settlement agreement and file for divorce and 2 days later expect me to believe that he is sincere when he says he wants to save our marriage.

My guess is He wants to save himself from having to pay alimony. He filed quickly because he thought he would be within the 7 year time limit to be classified as a "short term marriage".

He seems to forget all the conversations we have had over these past 9 weeks where he's defended himself and blamed me. I was giving him all the time he needed to go to AA and work on himself. I would love nothing more than to save our marriage, but the reality is when he filed for divorce, he showed me who he was. I can see now, what I couldn't see with every conflict we ever had. He's just saying the words I wanted to hear.
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Old 09-20-2013, 11:51 PM
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Don't listen to what they say....watch what they do. His actions these past few days show you how out of control he is. We all told you we thought it was manipulation. I bet he's seeing that didn't work so well....so now he's changing course. It's what the A does. He will do whatever it takes to get what he wants.

You've already figured this out.
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Old 09-21-2013, 12:28 AM
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I don't think the filing date matters as much as the final judgement date. And judges are much wiser than your AH. They will see through this. If you have records of him going to AA or can prove in black and white he has, that is in your favor. Document everything. Maybe it would help you to only communicate through text or emails. That way it takes the emotional pull out if it and you have black and white proof.
I don't know what state you are in. I was divorced from first H in Florida and have been to attorneys for AH in Alabama. I think you are entitled to half of everything, his retirement, his savings, stocks, funds, etc. And alimony. Or at least rehabilitative alimony. Check with your attorney on all of this. I think you are in a good place because you have been married a certain amount of time.
And do you really even want to be friends with someone that would treat someone they say they love like this? Does he care about anyone but himself? He didn't care about you or think about your well being when he tried to file before a certain date deadline. So why would you give him any respect or consideration. He has shown to be sneaky and untrustworthy, callous and selfish! Believe what he has shown you! You sound very strong! You will do amazing without this weight around your leg dragging you down.
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Old 09-21-2013, 05:34 PM
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He is seeking to remain in control of the situation, and shift blame. Sober, he's realizing how bad he's made his marriage and these are desperate attempts to manipulate.

How do you feel about severing ties permanently with this person? Are you read to move on? My advice: For the health and life, move on for you. Will seeking happiness for yourself be something to regret at old age?

2 days and he expects a hugs and a grateful reaction full of joy, as if he liberated you? He's liberating himself, and he's put you through hell with alcoholism. If those wounds are ever to mend, it won't be through manipulation - he should understand he doesn't control you. He didn't control when he you met you, either. So it's time to stop the attempts at control and manipulation. It will neither repair or start a relationship. It would be worth explaining that to him. Marriages aren't ruined in a day (well, I guess it could be, but,err) and aren't healed in one either.
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