FuzzyJudgement

Hi. New here. I have been married 18 years. We have two kids, both teenagers. They are awesome. I did a professional intervention on my dh in June and got him to go to two months of rehab. He went willingly. He was in desperate shape. He has not worked in 3 years due to other medical issues which he was making considerably worse with his drinking.

Things were nice while he was gone. The kids and I had a great summer. I talked to my DH every night and went and visited him once (he was 8 hours away). He seemed to be thankful and accepting. Not embracing AA but grateful for his sobriety.

He came home August 30. I believe he started drinking again on the 10th. Not sure. He is hiding it. He is very angry. Yelling at me. Throwing things. Leaving...then coming back. He has no source of income and nowhere to go so even though him leaving wouldn't be a bad idea it is not feasible. But his anger is out of the realm of normal and it is all directed at me. I don't know what to do. He is normally a pretty mellow dude. Although he never said it while he was gone he now seems very angry at me "for sending him away". Even though he came back healthier than he has ever looked before.

I don't know what to do. I am so anxious and nervous I can't eat or sleep or do my job. I am trying to act as normal as possible in front of the kids but he has been a real *ss to me in front of them. I love him but I can't keep living like this.

Any advice?

dandylion

FuzzyJudgement--is there any where you and the girls can go to stay away from him in the short term? Family--friends--or a short term hotel? I would recommend that you get to an alanon meeting ASAP. There, you will find others who have been through this kin d of situation, themselves. Detaching as much as possible is in order, right now. Don't engage in arguing with him and remove yourself from the immediate situation as much as you can.

Do you have any boundaries with what you are willing to tolerate? Have you any k ind of long-term plan in mind? Alanon can certainly help you with this--as well as a counselor, of course.

Right now, it sounds like he is in the driver's seat. It doesn't have to stay that way!!

dandylion

LoveMeNow

Can you hold another intervention? The Salvation Army has a great program and it is a free 6 month program.

When we come in between an addict and their drug of choice, we become their enemy. It's not ok for him to behave this way. Don't let him take you down with him. Please don't hesitate to call 911 either.

Florence

Get out of his way and let him experience the consequences of his choices. If you don't want to experience the consequences of his choices, you need to get out of his way too. In my case that meant detaching, and later, calling it quits on the relationship. My STBXAH is still experiencing consequences from his drinking, and I had to minimize the effects of his choices on myself and our children.

Read the stickies at the top of the forum. There are a lot of discussions there, tons of wisdom and experience. This one post was the most helpful to me when I first started this journey. I hope it helps you as well: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Recovering2

"He has no source of income and nowhere to go so even though him leaving wouldn't be a bad idea it is not feasible."

Why is it not feasible??? As long as he knows you feel that way, there is no reason for anything to change. Florence is right.....he needs to experience the consequences of his choices. Right now, YOU are experiencing the consequences and he isn't. Worse....your kids are experiencing the consequences and he isn't.

He is an adult. If he needs to figure out how to make money or how to find someplace else to live, that's HIS problem to figure out. Not yours. The fact that he went to treatment based on an intervention, and didn't "embrace" AA is a red flag IMO. I haven't seen many interventions work to be honest. The A has to seek help on their own, it has to be their decision if there's any hope they'll embrace real recovery. So I don't see how another intervention will work any differently.

You can't do anything about him, but you can take care of you and your kids. Get to AlAnon and start educating yourself and work on YOUR recovery from this. Suggest Alateen to your kids, they're going to need help as well. If you're the one working and bringing in the money, you have the ability to extricate yourself from this. I know you love him, but if love was enough none of us would be on this site because all our A's would be in recovery.

FuzzyJudgement

Thank you all for the feedback. I really appreciate it. I definitely have a lot of learning to do. I printed out a list of local AL-Anon meetings and am going to go to one this week. I did try some detachment response last night and at least there were no additional blow-ups. There is a lot of great information on this site. I'm sure I will be back and I will read some previous threads for more great advice. Sometimes I cannot believe my life is this.

Recovering2

YAY for you! You're already starting to make changes. I'm glad you're going to go to AlAnon, you will soon realize you are in a room of friends. People there "get it", and will be there for you. Every meeting is a little different, so it's suggested you try at least 6 before you decide if it's for you or not. I went to 3 different groups before I found the group that was a good fit for me.

Keep posting...you can get through this.