Also - Does a drunk tell the truth?

Old 09-18-2013, 02:44 PM
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Also - Does a drunk tell the truth?

When my AH was here over the week-end he had some choice words for me. I can't say that he was kind even when he wasn't drunk but when he was wasted on drugs and pills he was downright cruel. Yes, now I know it is over but I thought today that I need to ask the question.

Does an intoxicated person tell the truth? The things that he said about me... is that how he truly feels?
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Old 09-18-2013, 02:56 PM
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asimplelife---what I do know for sure (from my own very painful experience) is that the alcoholic will do all sorts of "blame-shifting" and projection of their own feelings onto us. The main goal is to keep the light off of them and their drinking by placing it on us--thus denying their problem and the responsibility that goes with it.

they are usually amazingly good at this technique!! They know exactly where our hot buttons and our sensitive areas are. This is often excruciatingly painful for us--and throws us off balance. That is the goal--to throw us off-balance (thereby, protecting themselves).

I don't think their goal is to tell the truth--the goal is to hurt (blame) and distract.

Personally, I don't believe anything that comes out of a drunk alcoholic's mouth.

As you read through this forum, you will see how very common this is!!


I am so sorry you are going through this.

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Old 09-18-2013, 03:01 PM
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Thank you so much for the support. It is so confusing to love an addict.
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Old 09-18-2013, 03:14 PM
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My XAW used to say/do some very cruel things, often with no recollection of it the next day. When I would give her words the power she wanted, it would hurt me deeply. When I stopped giving it power and looked inside myself, looked for the truth, it wouldn't hurt in the way she wanted. It still hurt because someone I loved was intentionally trying to hurt me and I learned, as Dandylion said, it was to protect her disease. And yes it is confusing loving an addict.
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Old 09-18-2013, 03:20 PM
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Yes, I often noticed that the alcoholic had no recall of some of the very hurtful things that I remembered them saying---at least, they said that they didn't!!

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Old 09-18-2013, 03:34 PM
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Yes. The next day he says "Gee. I don't remember saying any of that. Really? That just doesn't make sense at all." Pretty cruel stuff. I have to believe in my heart that he doesn't mean the things that he says and that it is the addiction talking but I don't know. I am not really sure it matters anyway as he is so far gone that there is no hope of a relationship any longer.
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Old 09-18-2013, 03:51 PM
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Don't take anything a drunk says seriously.
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Old 09-18-2013, 03:57 PM
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This alcoholic had many character defects
I practiced for many yrs. before, during and
after alcohol. However, with a program of
recovery to live by and incorporate in my
everyday affairs, I eventually became honest.

Receiving that gift in recovery/sobriety opened
a door to a freedom I had never known or
experienced before.
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Old 09-18-2013, 04:00 PM
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It's a rollercoaster from hell, loving and addict.
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Old 09-18-2013, 04:26 PM
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All the above, so true.

My exABF once sent a godawful insulting text out of the blue (happened to be the same night my dad lay dying in a nursing home), must have seen his phone the next day in shocked horror at his drunk self, and then texted:

MESSAGE SENT IN ERROR PLEASE DISREGARD I AM SORRY, blah blah blah. How utterly horrifying it must have been for Dr. Jekyll to see the evidence of Mr. Hyde's late night visit. (but not horrifying enough to quit.)

Lord. I deleted both texts, and just took care of myself and my family that day.
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Old 09-18-2013, 04:42 PM
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This is the reason for no contact.

And know, it's all bull. It keeps the light off of them and shines it on you.

And if they have you believe it, they keep you in the conversation.

I engaged in many of them, I'm done now.

Please be done with it.
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Old 09-18-2013, 06:41 PM
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No, it's not how he felt about you, it's how he felt about himself.

Projection at its finest. You were his mirror. You reflected back to him what he was/is.

I never listen to people with bad words about me. I know it's how they feel about themselves, because I live in a way where I really try not to hurt people but still be within my boundaries.

But people who dislike themselves so much feel sooo much better when making other people feel just as shetty.

In my experience, when people are telling me "what I am", I just listen and let them rant (as today with a friend), because I know it's all the things they wish they could tell themselves. And I just love.

Now, if it's a regular thing where he's treating you like crap and saying these things, then just calmly state that he can no longer talk to you that way. It's unacceptable. And walk away. When he starts, you walk away. I had to do that with an ex (older daughter's father)...yea. Took a while, but he finally "got it" that his opinion of me wasn't any of my business.
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Old 09-18-2013, 07:02 PM
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I used to let AH's nastiness affect me. One day, he called me the worst name ever n I just sat there. He yelled, Did YOU effin hear me?! I asked, What? He said it again and got no response. He got up n left.

Usually, when no one plays with them, they're forced to play with themselves n sh*t, that's no fun so they move on to the next tactic. And you, you just keep your game face on. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. They eventually get tired.
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Old 09-18-2013, 07:33 PM
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I hope they aren't true because then according to somebody very close to me I am a lowlife and and phony. I tend to think what people say when drunk can be complete bs.
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Old 09-18-2013, 07:54 PM
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Originally Posted by choublak View Post
Don't take anything a drunk says seriously.
Ok in my experience this only works for a short period of time. You ignore it, go away, whatever. However, as long as you are hearing the hurtful things repeated it eventually seeps in.

Just the state of them being in that mood affects you, wastes your time when you could be taking care of things.

If you find yourself getting desensitized, check-in with yourself and do what's necessary. Otherwise we become numb to the pain and don't act.
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Old 09-18-2013, 08:49 PM
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Originally Posted by ZenMe View Post
Ok in my experience this only works for a short period of time. You ignore it, go away, whatever. However, as long as you are hearing the hurtful things repeated it eventually seeps in.

Just the state of them being in that mood affects you, wastes your time when you could be taking care of things.

If you find yourself getting desensitized, check-in with yourself and do what's necessary. Otherwise we become numb to the pain and don't act.
Well I don't mean stick around for it... I mean don't try to analyze whatever words come out of a drunk person's mouth...
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Old 09-18-2013, 09:13 PM
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I wrote on our dry erase board: "Never argue with AW when she's been drinking, it's like wrestling with a pig, you both get dirty & the pig enjoys it". Yes, I caught hell for that too, but it's true in my case. Since then I try to live by that rule and avoid any discussions, especially when they get nasty as they have recently.

On the other side, do they really mean the things they say? Dandylion put it well, they will do anything to avoid taking blame for their actions. My AW hates herself for drinking so much that she begins fighting with me to try and drive me away so she can let the disease take her once and for all. I've learned this through therapy with many counselors both marriage & addition related. AW is in treatment, having trouble finding a babysitter so I can attend some meetings myself.

It's a disease unlike any other and don't take anything an alcoholic says to heart. Best of luck to you.

B
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Old 09-18-2013, 09:17 PM
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It is kinda strange with my husband. There are times when he does tell the truth, and there are times when he will make things up ("No, I did not drink that, I poured it down the sink."). However, when he is being hurtful, pulling accusations out of his butt that my little voice tells me are simply not true and are BS, he can talk to the hand. And walking away is another great thing to do.
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Old 09-19-2013, 09:57 AM
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My AH says very mean things too when he's drunk. Then he's quick to tell me we belong together. In between all that was "All your BS makes me want to put a gun in my mouth & then said "no, maybe I should put the gun in your mouth ha ha ha."

He recalled none of it as usual & is sorry, didn't mean any of it, loves me blah, blah, blah

I always wondered if the drunk meant it too. My mom used to believe Alcoholics said the truth while drunk that they couldn't say sober. I'd like to believe he didn't mean all those hurtful things
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Old 09-19-2013, 10:03 AM
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I agree with dandylion.
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