Wisconsin's Step 1

Old 09-18-2013, 09:47 AM
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Wisconsin's Step 1

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.

Do I accept that I cannot control another person’s drinking? Another person’s behavior?

I accept it more today than I did 3 years ago, when I first found Al Anon. There are still times when I get sucked back into an old pattern: I say the same thing, over and over again, in slightly different ways, convinced that if I say it in just the right way, my A will suddenly see the light and change. As my A has gotten sicker and sicker in his alcoholism, and the things he says and does have become more and more irrational and outrageous, it has become easier for me to accept that I cannot control him or his drinking.

How do I recognize that the alcoholic is an individual with habits, characteristics and ways of reacting to daily happenings that are different from mine?

My A and I have had several productive conversations about things like this. For example, if a disagreement arises between us, he insists on resolving it right at that very moment, while I prefer to take time to think it over, choose my words wisely, and then come back to it later. Early on in my A's relapse, I spent a lot of time analyzing why he did and said certain things, why he reacted in certain ways. I think I did all of that analyzing, because it was what I wanted HIM to do with me. I felt like if he understood WHY I do and say the things I do, he would somehow understand me more, and it would be "evidence" of his commitment to me. Now I know there is limited value in understanding the "why." Having a general idea can be good insofar as it helps you avoid taking things personally. But obsessing over the "why" and letting it take focus off of myself has been behind a lot of my dysfunction. I'm working on accepting the "what": that my A has different attitudes and makes different choices and has different priorities. It just is what it is.

Do I accept that alcoholism is a disease? How does that change how I deal with a drinker?

This one has always been easy for me. I absolutely accept that it is a disease, and that my A cannot recover without proper help (both emotional and medical). I have always felt as though IF I thought this was NOT a disease, and my AH just chose to act this way, that I would have left a long time ago. In many ways, I have used the "disease" classification to justify tolerating unacceptable behavior for a long time.

How have I tried to change others in my life? What were the consequences?

I tried to change my mother by encouraging her to seek weight loss surgery (she was grossly morbidly obese...in the 500 pounds range...for a long time, and was bedridden for a year before she passed away from obesity complications), and by repeating myself to her over and over again (once again, convinced that if I just make my argument in the right way, she would have come around to my way of thinking). I have done this with my A, as well. I have also attempted to manipulate situations, by trying to elicit sympathy, or by putting up walls that were not designed to protect my own serenity but instead designed to try to force a certain reaction from someone else. The result has always been some level of alienation from the person I am trying to change/control.

What means have I used to get what I want and need? What might work better to get my needs met?

Well...my wants and needs generally are not met right now, and that is my responsibility. I have a long history of manipulating and trying to "convince" people to do what I want them to do, and it has pretty much never worked. What might work better is to be honest and forthcoming about my wants and needs. At times when I have done this in the past, it has been in a highly emotional, negative, accusatory way; it would be better in the future for me to state my wants and needs in an unemotional way. However, I also need to understand and acknowledge that certain people in my life, including my A, are not able or willing to meet my wants and needs. If that is the case, I need to build a support system where my wants and needs matter, and are important. When people demonstrate to me that my wants and needs are not important to them, I should believe this behavior and stop expecting anything different from them.

How do I feel when the alcoholic refuses to be and do what I want? How do I respond?

I struggle a lot with taking it very personally when my A refuses to be the person I want him to be, and do the things I want him to do. I feel like I do not matter enough to him for my feelings about his drinking to matter. I respond usually with angry tears, or angry silence.

What would happen if I stopped trying to change the alcoholic or anyone else?

It would eliminate a lot of stress and negative self-talk if I stopped trying to change others. If I allow them to be who they are and who they want to be, I no longer feel "responsible" for the choices they are making. It would leave me with more energy and time to devote to myself and my children, more energy and time to enjoy life.

How can I let go of others’ problems instead of trying to solve them?

THIS has been my largest struggle over the past three years. I know in my head what the destination is, but I have a lot of difficulty implementing specific, practical steps to get to the destination. In recent weeks I have started reaching out more regularly to friends who care about me and are supportive. I can continue to do this, and make sure that those communications involve discussion of things OTHER than my A, or my financial problems, or anything else that I tend to obsess about in unhealthy ways. It's OK to talk about those things sometimes, when doing so helps me to work through some negative feelings and feel better, but it's just as important to build some normalcy into my life and my relationships, to help me get out of the "crisis mindset" that I have adopted over the last three years. I tend to self-isolate and obsess about other people, and by taking active steps to expand my support circle, it will help me to stop making my whole life about other peoples' problems. I am also trying to pray more. Sometimes, when I can't articulate exactly what I want to say, I just pray "please God, help me." It has been very calming for me. When I feel an uncontrollable urge to obsess, or engage in an obsessive behavior, I am trying to reach out to a friend much like an A reaches out to a friend when faced with the urge to drink. I also think that focusing on fixing things in my OWN life will help me to obsess less about other people's problems. I am trying to exercise when I can, eat better, etc.

Am I looking for a quick fix to my problems? Is there one?

I would love for there to be a quick fix to my problems, but since it hasn't shown up during the last 3 years, it ain't coming! LOL But seriously, I think the only thing that I would consider to be a "quick fix" would be an unexpected and sudden infusion of cash that would make it easier to leave. The reality is, though, that such a financial miracle just isn't going to happen, and I need to stay focused on the small steps I can take to get where I want to be.

In what situations do I feel excessive responsibility for other people?

ALWAYS, always when other people are sad. If someone is hurt or sad, I feel a very strong compulsion to do anything and everything possible to make them feel better.

In what situations do I feel shame or embarrassment for someone else’s behavior?

When other people are angry. I do not express anger very often, and I tend to believe it is often a mask for a different, deeper feeling (shame, frustration, disappointment). In my life, people who express anger do it in very hurtful, personal ways, saying horrible things and flinging terrible insults. I am ashamed of and embarrassed for the person who is raging, but I am also ashamed of and embarrassed for myself, because I feel like I do no react properly to another's anger. In the past, I would be upset with myself for not doing the "right thing" to defuse someone's anger. Now, I get upset with myself when I don't just walk away from the insanity. I'm getting better about walking away, though!

What brought me to Al-Anon? What did I hope to gain at that time? How have my expectations changed?

I came to Al Anon at the suggestion of the therapist I was seeing about 3 years ago. My A was descending deeper into a relapse, and his verbal abuse was escalating. At the time, our son was an infant. At the time, I hoped to gain exposure to people who were going through the same things as me, because I had nobody in my "real life" at the time who could relate. Overtime, that has continued to be one of the great things about Al Anon. But I have also grown to appreciate Al Anoners as people I can bring my issues to and receive thoughtful, non-judgmental, and HONEST feedback. I do not expect to receive advice, and I am grateful for a place where I can put forth my feelings without judgment.

Who has expressed concern about my behavior? My health? My children? Give examples.

My A has expressed concern about my behavior and my children. He has done so in a very accusatory way, and I would not characterize it as "concern," but rather as "deflecting attention" from his own terrible behavior. My oldest child has expressed a lot of concern about my A's behavior and attitudes, and how it will affect my youngest child, saying that she hates her stepdad and wishes he would drive away and never come back. My sister-in-law has expressed concern about my health, largely about how I have no help or chance to rest between a full time job and three children. Numerous friends and Al Anon comrades have expressed concern for my physical safety and the safety of my children, based on my A's history of verbal abuse and his obvious downward spiral. Even one of my A's former drinking buddies who is now in recovery has expressed concern for my behavior, my health and safety, and my children.

How do I know when my life is unmanageable?

When I start to cry uncontrollably and cannot concentrate on anything but the crisis at hand.

How have I sought approval and affirmation from others?

Every. Single. Day. Talking at every opportunity about exercising and eating better to my A, waiting for him to express that he is happy for me and proud of me. Expecting a nice card and gift for our anniversary, and receiving nothing but a card with no sentiment at all, and then feeling terrible about myself for weeks afterward.

Do I say “yes” when I want to say “no”? What happens to my ability to manage my life when I do this?

This historically was a bigger problem for me, but I am getting better. My biggest struggle is still saying "no" to things my children might want to do. Our family dynamic is complicated enough that I HATE saying "no" to attending a birthday party, or going to an event. When I fail to say no (when I should be saying no), it makes my financial crisis worse (because I am spending $20-$40 more on gas than I should to drive the 120 mile round trip to take my older children to events near their school), and it makes me angry at myself for my inability to say no.

Do I take care of others easily, but find it difficult to care for myself?
How do I feel when life is going smoothly? Do I continually anticipate problems? Do I feel more alive in the midst of a crisis?

I take care of others very easily. Over the past 2 years, I have gotten a little better about taking care of myself. Now, if I am sick, I will still take my son to day care for the day so I can get some rest. But I still do too much housework/chores while sick, because if I don't do them nobody will. When life is going smoothly, sometimes I do get swept up in a sense of dread, but again, over the past couple of years I have gotten better at living in the moment. I anticipate a lot of problems, especially when something happens that historically has triggered an outburst in my A. I don't necessarily feel more ALIVE in a crisis, but my emotions are very heightened.

How well do I take care of myself?

Like crap, but less crappily than I did a few years ago.

How do I feel when I am alone?

It depends on what's going on in life in general. If things are going OK, I enjoy being alone and having time to myself. If I am in crisis, or fighting obsessive urges, I HATE being alone and reach out to anyone and everyone for support or a distraction.

What is the difference between pity and love?

Pity is feeling sorry for someone about their circumstances. Love is embracing someone for the person they are.

Am I attracted to alcoholics and other people who seem to need me to fix them? How have I tried to fix them?

My A is the first alcoholic that I have been close to, so I do not think I am attracted to addicts in particular. My first husband, though, had zero coping skills. I didn't spend our marriage trying to "fix" him, but in retrospect I entered the relationship because I knew his inability handle things would mean I would have total control. Not over him, necessarily, but over situations, and our life.

Do I trust my own feelings? Do I know what they are?

I am getting better at knowing my own feelings. During my divorce from my first husband, I spent 2 years in therapy working on this. I had no idea what I liked, or wanted, or needed in the life. I came out of therapy with a much better idea. However, 3 years into an alcoholic relapse, I have come to a place where I often doubt my feelings. Sometimes that's good (I doubt my desire and need to obsessively spy on my A, so I try to step back and examine my true feelings and motives), and sometimes that's bad (I doubt my outrage and hurt after being verbally abused, to the extent that a few days later I have largely forgotten how horrible it was). I think this experience with an A has made it difficult for me to properly balance and evaluate my feelings in relation to the feelings of my loved ones. For a long time, my A has been the most important person in the family, all of the time, every day. Allowing that dynamic has resulted in a very skewed idea of how important my feelings are in relation to everyone else's.
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Old 09-21-2013, 10:36 AM
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So awesome to read. I relate to so much of this!
Thanks so much.
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