I almost ended it all last night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
I almost ended it all last night
I'm done drinking... I'm doing what it takes to never pick it up again. I continued drinking yesterday to the point of a blackout, only remembering enough to know that I called my mom and brother and devastated them. They had no idea I was drinking again. My boyfriend came home to find me wasted and I guess I was hitting him again.
I woke up this morning at 1:30 and found him on the couch. He is so upset with me but said he loves me and that he's not going anywhere. He told me to just stop drinking, or to drink only once in awhile instead of drinking all the booze in the house. I told him that he doesn't understand alcoholism and that I can't do that. I also told him that I need help from others at SR and he doesn't understand. He said I just need to stop and questions why I need help. I tried to explain to him that I can't do it alone. I think he finally understands.
Every time I get this drunk I say terrible things to him and hit him. I never behaved this way before I quit drinking for 5 years. It seems like every time I return to drinking after long periods of sobriety that it is much worse.
I am so ashamed of myself and feel absolutely worthless, I'm an awful person in my mind and after he fell back to sleep last night I came so close to taking a bottle full of pills. By the grace of God I didn't. That would have been a very selfish thing to do. I do hate myself enough to do it though and hopefully God will keep me strong enough not to.
All the alcohol is dumped out now, so I know I wont be drinking today. I need to be sober and I really hope I have the strength to be.
I woke up this morning at 1:30 and found him on the couch. He is so upset with me but said he loves me and that he's not going anywhere. He told me to just stop drinking, or to drink only once in awhile instead of drinking all the booze in the house. I told him that he doesn't understand alcoholism and that I can't do that. I also told him that I need help from others at SR and he doesn't understand. He said I just need to stop and questions why I need help. I tried to explain to him that I can't do it alone. I think he finally understands.
Every time I get this drunk I say terrible things to him and hit him. I never behaved this way before I quit drinking for 5 years. It seems like every time I return to drinking after long periods of sobriety that it is much worse.
I am so ashamed of myself and feel absolutely worthless, I'm an awful person in my mind and after he fell back to sleep last night I came so close to taking a bottle full of pills. By the grace of God I didn't. That would have been a very selfish thing to do. I do hate myself enough to do it though and hopefully God will keep me strong enough not to.
All the alcohol is dumped out now, so I know I wont be drinking today. I need to be sober and I really hope I have the strength to be.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,247
Originally Posted by Toomutch 
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I am so ashamed of myself and feel absolutely worthless, I'm an awful person in my mind
I am so ashamed of myself and feel absolutely worthless, I'm an awful person in my mind
Clearly you are in a difficult place...Is there someone you can reach out to?
It is so good you posted....others will be by to offer advice and support...
Jim
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Leeds
Posts: 399
Also, I assure you that killing yourself with pills would be more painful than any part of giving up drinking. I've seen someone OD, they don't fall asleep, they die in agony regretting what they have just done.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
Posts: 3,317
Jim, my mom and brother are trying to reach out to me this morning but I am to ashamed and embarrassed to talk to them. My boyfriend keeps checking in though, so I do have someone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Around and About
Posts: 1,254
Toomutch, the ONLY thing that is getting me through each day is focusing on what I did "right" that day. Sometimes that is only that I brushed my teeth (silly as that seems) but waayyy too many years ago I had years of sobriety, and what I remembered is that the first "change" was brushing my teeth.
I don't know what it is about being an alcoholic, but all we EVER remember (when we can) is ALL THOSE THINGS WE HAVE DONE WRONG, OPPORTUNITIES MISSED, etc.
I am certainly your friend here as I have had long years of sobriety, then said "just one", and off to the races....
I don't know what it is about being an alcoholic, but all we EVER remember (when we can) is ALL THOSE THINGS WE HAVE DONE WRONG, OPPORTUNITIES MISSED, etc.
I am certainly your friend here as I have had long years of sobriety, then said "just one", and off to the races....
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
I'm glad you didn't follow thru on your impulse to end it. As long as you're still breathing there is hope. I'm glad you dumped out the alcohol. Just don't get anymore. Talk to your family, they're trying to support you. Don't turn them away. I have faith in you that you can do this.
AA member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: United Kingdom.
Posts: 3,007
Sorry you are struggling toomutch.
Alcoholism is progressive,every time you pick up it will get worse,never better.
You can start again and need never drink again,I hope you will get some face to face support.I have found that invaluable to my recovery.
Stay away from the first drink.You did it before,you can do it again.
Wishing you well.
Alcoholism is progressive,every time you pick up it will get worse,never better.
You can start again and need never drink again,I hope you will get some face to face support.I have found that invaluable to my recovery.
Stay away from the first drink.You did it before,you can do it again.
Wishing you well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 188
As the family member of an addict, please take your family and friend's calls...they need to hear from you so that they know you are alive and ok. PLease let them help you if you can. Have you considered asking someone to take you to an AA meeting or a rehab center - just to discuss your options? Hang in there TooMuch - we have all been there at some point in our lives.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: UK (England)
Posts: 2,782
I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much. I am glad that you didn't do anything to harm yourself. You have lots of support here. I really believe that anyone can beat this if they are fully committed and proactive in recovery. You have done it before and i believe you can do it again. Wishing you well.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
I hope things improve for you soon Toomutch. I have read elsewhere that you had a bad experience at AA. You might think about trying another meeting somewhere else. They do vary a lot from place to place. Clearly you can't continue like this.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Uk
Posts: 1,190
I'm really sorry to read that your struggling so much. I think you are so much stronger than you realise and have so much to give in this life. I've read some of your posts I know you've not always had it easy but you've always found your way back up.
I think you know it's time to stop again - do you have a plan? Maybe your mum and brother would be of good help to you. Don't shut them out - I'm sure they are only concerned because they love and care about you. I think we can all understand your shame and embarrassment and right now it feels like no one has ever felt as bad as you do but we've mostly all been there I think. I know it's horrible but it won't last, I also know people keep saying 'you've done it before' well yes you have and that was an amazing success and one you should hold near at this time but I also know that right now it doesn't matter because right now your at day one again and it's as hard for you as it was then and for all of us.
I don't come here under any allusion that anything I've got to say is going to miraculously make everything ok for you but I just want to tell you that your not alone. I hope you can find some comfort somewhere.
I think you know it's time to stop again - do you have a plan? Maybe your mum and brother would be of good help to you. Don't shut them out - I'm sure they are only concerned because they love and care about you. I think we can all understand your shame and embarrassment and right now it feels like no one has ever felt as bad as you do but we've mostly all been there I think. I know it's horrible but it won't last, I also know people keep saying 'you've done it before' well yes you have and that was an amazing success and one you should hold near at this time but I also know that right now it doesn't matter because right now your at day one again and it's as hard for you as it was then and for all of us.
I don't come here under any allusion that anything I've got to say is going to miraculously make everything ok for you but I just want to tell you that your not alone. I hope you can find some comfort somewhere.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
When suicide is successful, we don't feel the relief that we crave. We're dead. We don't feel anything.
When it's unsuccessful, we're at much greater risk to try it again.
People who attempt the ultimate sacrifice see suicide as the only option. This is yet another lie we tell to ourselves. Our thinking is greatly distorted, we think in extremes, and there seems to be no other way. It's time to get professional help in one form or another.
You're at war with yourself. Your healthy parts despise who you are and what you do while drinking. You're suffering from battle fatigue, among much else. We're simply not built to take on so much self abuse, so we turn it outward, usually attacking the people most dear to us, because it's less likely they'll abandon us than would someone who is a stranger or with whom we are merely acquainted. This only gets worse, never better.
Many years ago, there was guy who went to a couple of the same AA meetings I attended. He struggled with staying sober, sometimes putting together a few or several months at a time. But he always went back to the drink. And he always came back to AA because there was nowhere else for him to go. As he aged, he experienced a variety of alcohol-related medical conditions. I was not privy to what these were, but it was clear over time that he was not well. At some point, he needed a cane to walk, and he just looked like schit.
One night, he got up and left the meeting, standing outside waiting for the meeting to end so that the person who drove him to the meeting could drop him off. A couple of the guys went outside and tried to talk him into coming back inside. "Just come inside and sit, relax. You have to wait till the meeting's over anyway, why not come back inside? It might help you just to sit there." After several minutes of this, he said, "I'm sorry. I love drinking too much."
Less than two weeks later, and after he missed a couple of meetings, he was found dead at home in a pool of his own blood. I don't know exactly what the cause of death was (not a suicide), but I do know it was related to his drinking.
You put together some sober time in the past. You can do it again. When I relapsed after twenty five years, getting sober again was the most difficult thing I'd ever done. In large measure because I had no intention of getting sober again. Today, my life is filled with richness, in my work, my relationships and in my overall well being. I would never have gotten to where I am had my suicide attempt been successful.
When it's unsuccessful, we're at much greater risk to try it again.
People who attempt the ultimate sacrifice see suicide as the only option. This is yet another lie we tell to ourselves. Our thinking is greatly distorted, we think in extremes, and there seems to be no other way. It's time to get professional help in one form or another.
You're at war with yourself. Your healthy parts despise who you are and what you do while drinking. You're suffering from battle fatigue, among much else. We're simply not built to take on so much self abuse, so we turn it outward, usually attacking the people most dear to us, because it's less likely they'll abandon us than would someone who is a stranger or with whom we are merely acquainted. This only gets worse, never better.
Many years ago, there was guy who went to a couple of the same AA meetings I attended. He struggled with staying sober, sometimes putting together a few or several months at a time. But he always went back to the drink. And he always came back to AA because there was nowhere else for him to go. As he aged, he experienced a variety of alcohol-related medical conditions. I was not privy to what these were, but it was clear over time that he was not well. At some point, he needed a cane to walk, and he just looked like schit.
One night, he got up and left the meeting, standing outside waiting for the meeting to end so that the person who drove him to the meeting could drop him off. A couple of the guys went outside and tried to talk him into coming back inside. "Just come inside and sit, relax. You have to wait till the meeting's over anyway, why not come back inside? It might help you just to sit there." After several minutes of this, he said, "I'm sorry. I love drinking too much."
Less than two weeks later, and after he missed a couple of meetings, he was found dead at home in a pool of his own blood. I don't know exactly what the cause of death was (not a suicide), but I do know it was related to his drinking.
You put together some sober time in the past. You can do it again. When I relapsed after twenty five years, getting sober again was the most difficult thing I'd ever done. In large measure because I had no intention of getting sober again. Today, my life is filled with richness, in my work, my relationships and in my overall well being. I would never have gotten to where I am had my suicide attempt been successful.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 355
Originally Posted by EndGameNYC
One night, he got up and left the meeting, standing outside waiting for the meeting to end so that the person who drove him to the meeting could drop him off. A couple of the guys went outside and tried to talk him into coming back inside. "Just come inside and sit, relax. You have to wait till the meeting's over anyway, why not come back inside? It might help you just to sit there." After several minutes of this, he said, "I'm sorry. I love drinking too much."
Less than two weeks later, and after he missed a couple of meetings, he was found dead at home in a pool of his own blood. I don't know exactly what the cause of death was (not a suicide), but I do know it was related to his drinking.
Less than two weeks later, and after he missed a couple of meetings, he was found dead at home in a pool of his own blood. I don't know exactly what the cause of death was (not a suicide), but I do know it was related to his drinking.
Thank you for posting.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
Originally Posted by longbeachone
Go to rehab. Now.
From reading your posts over the last week or so, things have become pretty bad, pretty quick. I think it's time to get professional help, and I mean immediately. An internet forum is wonderful, but comes a point when you must turn to experts, particularly because your life is in danger. You cannot "drink a little" or " once in awhile". You can never drink again, and I think you know it.
If you can afford it in any way, get yourself to a detox/rehab today. Don't let another day pass.
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