Toomutch

Well... Maybe tomorrow will be day 1. I was doing ok and then decided it would be ok to go up to the mountains on a short 3 day vacation and drink. I told my boyfriend that was what I wanted to do and he asked me if I was sure. I told him yes I wanted to drink. I wasn't really excited about it, like I need one this instant. But on the way up the mountain a
I did ask him if he wanted to top at a little mountain bar and have one, He said no.
That night we drank out by the fire and although the memory isn't bad, I woke up feeling like crap the next morning. I couldn't eat all day although I managed to have 2 glasses of wine and a stout beer at a brewery watching the Bronco game. My boyfriend drank Pepsi.
That evening after we arrived back at the cabin I still couldn't eat and threw up for about 3 hours.
I justified the drinking with not being able to go hiking. I'm an avid hiker and hurt myself right before we left. He has a very tall truck and although I am long legged, slipping off the back having one foot hit the ground while the other was still on the tail gate pulled my groin muscle really bad, bruised all the way around and hard to walk. Sorry for making what could be a short story long, but ldn't hike.
I didn't drink at all yesterday out on the boat and had a great day (didn't catch any fish, but oh well.)
Today my boyfriend Joe Left for work and I began to feel depressed. Started thinking of drinking the vodka at 8:00 am but waited until 11:00 mst.
I justified it by telling myself, "with someone with fibromyalgia I do a lot. I try to workout regularly'
but alys need naps and hurt like heck by nighttime. But because I couldn't workout I may as well drink. Anyway, I started and haven't stopped. I will end this now because I see I have ran out of room and am rambling on anyway.

13unluckyforsom

Do you want tomorrow to be day one?

Renarde

I also have fibromyalgia and drinking does not help. Regardless of your ability to exercise, alcohol abuse will create an inflammatory state in your body that is going further aggrevate flares. heck, you may never get out of a flare if you don't stop poisoning your body. Don't let your alcoholism fool you into thinking that drinking is the treatment for fibromyalgia.

I'm glad you posted.

ScottFromWI

There's always room for you here Toomutch. Sorry if I don't know too much of your history but have you ever tried any kind of local suppor, counseling or meetings? Sounds like you could possibly benefit since you seem to be having such a hard time of keeping off the drink.

Nuudawn

Toomutch...I've seen a few of your posts here now and again. You have been struggling with resistance as to what I think you know you must do for quite some time. All you need to do is let go...let go of using alcohol. You don't have to stand on a mountaintop and declare alcoholism nor start wearing tshirts emblazoned with "One Day at A Time".

You need to realize that alcohol is no use to you. It is hindering your progress as well as physical and mental health. You don't need it. You really, honestly and truly don't.

You can live a full life if you put down the drink.

Serenity1972

toomutch - I have been reading your post since you came back to SR and every time you drink you post about how horrible the hangover is, how ashamed and embarrassed you are... I can totally relate although I came to the realization that drinking was only making things worse in my life (my doc was vodka). Do you have a plan or any other support than SR? What has worked for me is AVRT and this site. I am truly wishing you the best and cheering for you. Do you really want sobriety? If so, why not hop over to the sober side?

Twofish

Very well said Nuudawn! You always post the right things we need to hear! So Toomutch, lets tomorrow be the "day one?" We are here for you now and always! Gentle hugs (I don't want to hurt your fib body) to you from WI. TF

wehav2day

Hey toomutch, are you starting to realize that moderation isn't for you? I'm a stubborn bull of a person, but I couldn't get sober for real until I "gave up" and admitted I have zero control over al Alcohol. None. Not even in my dreams. Yep, if I drink in my dreams I end up drunk there too.

You can do this again, for real. But those pesky little "I can drink responsibly" thoughts don't help us if we are alcoholics.

lommey

tomorrow is your day 1 toomuch 18/9/2013 make that your day

Anna

Toomutch, you haven't fully decided to stop drinking yet.

But, you're here again, and hopefully you will be inspired.

Eleni58

Toomutch, I have gout, Lymes Disease and osteoarthritis of the hips--been battling daily pain for the last three years. Part of the reason I drank was to take the pain away, but it was only temporary--the pain returned after the alcohol wore off.

I am happy to report that I quit drinking 54 days ago and the pain from osteoarthritis is 95% gone. Whereas I couldn't walk 10 feet without extreme pain and difficulty, I can now walk a mile with no pain at all.

You have been sober for long periods of time in the past--you know what I'm talking about! Hang in there and best wishes on your road to recovery!

Toomutch

Serenity, SR was my lifesaver over 5 years ago now, kept me sane. Had a couple of really bad experiences with AA And WILL NOT go back. All I experienced was the 13 steppers. Women didn't even talk to me. I went back with my sister 2 years ago to help her with her court ordered AA classes, same thing for both of us. SR was and always will be my place to get sober.

Badga

Hi Toomuch

I too have fibromyalgia/CFS and am also into exercise. Hate it if I can't exercise. Having a nap rocks though. As Renarde says, alcohol will aggregate your inflammatory response and make your fibro worse. One of the things about fibro, as you probably know, is its effect on your sleep pattern. Alcohol makes this ten times worse too.

I am only 18 days in, but am sleeping much, much better, my exercise capacity is increasing, and my need for naps is reduced. My fibro/CFS feels tonnes better not drinking.

I wish you well.

ScottFromWI

Have you ever tried Life Ring, Celebrate Recovery, AVRT, Smart, or even NA? NA is a lot different than AA although still 12 step. And many of the others are secular and can be done on your own.

Either way, if you do want to get better you will eventually have to do some things that you don't want to do, or aren't comfortable with. I'm not saying you MUST got to AA, but you'll eventually have to try something. It's much easier to make up an excuse or reason to keep drinking or avoid recovery than it is to just keep drinking. That is until the drinking gets REALLY bad.

lessgravity

Your posts have struck me lately, Too. I remember the one about your kids in Boudler and you wanting to get drunk. I think you resisted that day.

The problem seems to me to be that you continue to give yourself space to drink. Yes, after having drank you post here about your shame and sadness. But beforehand you didn't come looking for help. And more to the point I think you continue to set up another slip in your mind.

Until you really decide that your life is worth more than wasting away at the bottom of a bottle, it's going to be a nonstop struggle. There's freedom out there if you choose it.

You need a plan.

Toomutch

Scott I really appreciate you.... You have commented and helped me with every post I have made. You rock!

Of course I appreciate all the feedback from everyone, I remember why I loved this place.

ScottFromWI

I appreciate everyone here too, you included. And I thank all that were here for me not that long ago when I was in the same position you are now. Who knows, I don't ever plan on going there again but I am merely a person who makes mistakes too. And I know if I should stumble SR would be here to help me back up.

I hope you can find whatever strength you need to kindle that desire to be sober inside you. It's so worth it and you can do it if you want to.

Serenity1972

SR can do the same for you now if you give it a chance. It has helped keep me sober so far (I don't count days). I had a really bad experience with AA myself. I don't attend AA meetings anymore but I had to do something to change my way of thinking or I would still be out there drinking. I hope we can help you get sober again YOU ARE WORTH IT!

longbeachone

Hi toomuch, I have Reflexive systemic dystrophy, very painful. Drinking would pour fuel on the fire, as it probably would with fibromyalgia or any other illness. It is a poison, as I'm sure you know, since it makes us so violently ill.

I agree with Scott. There are other programs besides AA. I love Celebrate Recovery. And Toomuch, you are a very pretty woman, but if you don't want attention from men, it's not that difficult to present yourself as such. I mean even Heidi Klum can throw on some sweats and a t-shirt and throw her hair in a ponytail. If you don't want attention, most men can usually pick up on those signals. Additionally, there are plenty of women only meetings. It seems like you are making excuses. Perhaps, if you really want to stop, it's time to enter an in patient facility.

I hope that you can find some peace soon. Have you heard of "Kindling"? It refers to the intensity of withdrawals, which are now believed to increase every time you go through them. All of this starting and stopping is making you far sicker than even you realize.

Toomutch

Lessgrav, Yes my kids are perfectly fine, Flood waters are far away from them. I'm so fortunate that they are such good kids. I had a 7 years sobriety time and a 5 year .As my kids were growing up, at one point my son said I remember you as a drinker, and then everything got better" Oh my God if they only knew know because for those few years I was a crazy one. Yes the boys remember it, but but not so much my daughter. I know they drink some which scares the crap out of me. But unlike me the prioritize things accurately and put school before play. Once again rambling.