jessicajoe

I caved. All my good intentions of self care and detachment and everything else flew out the window.
How small I feel now having almost begged him. Not to stop drinking but to stop talking about us being over.
Remember I didn't ask him to stop drinking. He decided this a couple of weeks ago and was dry completely of his own violition
He brought beer home from work Sunday night and drank Sunday night, Monday afternoon and Monday night. He will probably go back to it today.
Instead of letting him get on with it I ended up getting sucked in to the quacking. "He loves me but I have to let him be who he is" He wants to be with me but not if I am behaving like his mother" Weirdly a lot of this he was projecting on to me. I wasn't actually talking about drinking or not drinking at the time.
Eventually I gave in and said "What is it you want right now? Do you want us to be over?" He said "the way things are right now with you judging every mouthful I drink....Yes"
I left him to sleep at that point.
I asked him today what he remembers and wouldn't you know he didn't say it or it was just a reaction to me pushing his buttons.
I know its not a big deal compared with what I see lots of you posting but its a big deal to me because nothing like this has ever happened before. I know its terminal uniqueness ..... I know it is but I am well into my forties and have never had a relationship with this much loving and feeling in it.
He has never hurt me or let me down. He just drinks too much and can't manage his money and I worry what our future would look like.
And now this.
I don't know if it relates to the posts about them stopping wanting you when you stop enabling or if he is just plain mad at himself for his failed attempt.
Either way I imagine regulars on the forum reading this and saying she needs to detach.
But I'm crying and I have a brick in my stomach because I know this but still I dig my claws deeper in. I know it can't get better. I just can't make myself step back. I can't risk losing him. How pathetic is that.
I wouldn't be posting this if I thought it was all okay. I know I need to hear what you want to tell me. I know you know what my posts will probably look like in a few months time. I've read enough on the forums here. I know that only he can change him and I can only change me.
So why am I talking to him about booking an October trip and trying to make everything in the garden roses.
I want to read responses but please be gentle with me I feel like I'm at the beginning of the end

Hammer

ok. Gently . . . .

Get thee to Alanon.

THAT can be the beginning of the end . . . at least the beginning of the end of the bad for you.

SparkleKitty

Okay, my dear, here's the good news: your eyes are open. Everything might feel like a giant messy mess right now but the first step of change is always -- ALWAYS!! -- awareness. After that is acceptance, which is really really hard. You don't have to worry about that right at this moment. You just have to try to keep your eyes open.

Please don't use this as an excuse to beat yourself up. We are often our own worst enemy, and you have enough on your plate without being hard on yourself on top of it.

((hugs))

AnvilheadII

I can't risk losing him.

WHY? what is this RISK? will he be taking one of your vital organs WITH him?

no. you will still be intact, one piece. you will still breathe, your heart will still pump, you will retain use of your limbs, and you will have every opportunity to keep seeking a life that isn't built on making somebody else happy so they won't leave you.

you said He has never hurt me or let me down.
yes he does, each and every time he drinks. each and every time he shuts you out, does not for one moment take YOUR thoughts and feelings into consideration, just keeps doing exactly as HE pleases.

you can spend the next 20 years of your life tying to bend yourself further and further to fit in the smaller and smaller space available in his life, trying to be exactly what he wants which appears to be MUTE and compliant, and he may or may not someday quit drinking.

but from where you stand RIGHT NOW, how's that looking? does he look or act like someone who wants sobriety? nope, he wants YOU to shut your mouth and LET HIM get his drink on. THAT is what is HIS priority....

BoxinRotz

It doesn't look good. He has to stop the madness and from your post, it just doesn't sound like he's ready. And he can't manage money... that will send you to the depths of hell fast, or at least feel like it. We all know money isn't everything but it sure does make the world go round doesn't it? Rent, utilities, groceries, gas... When it's not there, it's SCARY! Especially when you're so used to having it available. I'm not a materialistic person and I'm not driven by greed n green but you need money to survive and build upon the future, to be stable and comfortable. If you don't have that now, you won't have it in the future. Do you really want to wait n see?

shil2587

I hope no one minds, but I read this post while considering starting one of my own about a very similar recent event and I think I understand where you are coming from. My boyfriend has been trying to quit for a year. Really trying hard. Going to meetings four times a week, working the steps with a sponsor, paying for therapy. The works. And with the exception of a couple of week long relapses, he was making real progress, the change in how he saw the world was obvious to everyone.
Our relationship, like yours was incredibly loving and everything I could possibly want. I was careful from the beginning not to enable and not to be co dependant. When he drank, I had no contact with him and never tried in anyway to fix him. That was his job.

Notice the past tense.

This relapse is more serious because he thinks he has failed and lost control. He is depressed and lost because no one who knows him will have contact with him when he is drunk. To make matters worse, he has got it into his head that he needs to save me from himself because he thinks he might start acting like all the horror stories of abuse he has heard from people at his meetings. This is a man who has never been a violent drunk. Ever. His solution was to dump me by text and then call me to make me hate him, being verbally cruel to do the job.

Like you, I am left reeling. This has been a wonderful relationship until this point and, like you, I don't want to accept it's over. It's horrible not knowing if or when he will sober up and if he will think twice about throwing something so wonderful away.

I pray for both our sakes that our men will find their way towards their goal of getting sober and realising how wonderful what they had with us was.

Sorry for the spill, I really needed to share. Thank you for reading.

FireSprite

I think what you are experiencing here is the backlash of him judging HIMSELF. I found that my AH externalized all of his internal dialogue on me whether I gave him reason to or not. In his mind, I guess, if he was thinking it then I must be judging him the same way so without ever having said a word I was suddenly cast as his judge, jury & executioner that he felt he needed to defend himself against. That made ME the bad guy by default & justified his behavior somehow in his mind.

It's the poor me, poor me, pour me another drink mentality.

LifeRecovery

JessicaJoe and Shil2587-

One of the hardest things for me on this journey is coming to terms with the fact that the same person could behave so lovingly toward me....and then behave so awfully.

I had to come to terms with the fact that it was the same person (yes maybe under the influence), but it was the same person.

I had a choice....to accept him for ALL facets of him....or to not accept it and change my life accordingly.

Unfortunately I could not ONLY get the loving, caring, and sweet guy I wanted so much in my life (that was there a lot of the time).

Please I don't want to pretend it was easy or without pain, but for me this realization....that he was both of these "personalities" in my relationship was a huge hurdle and healing point for me.

healthyagain

It takes time to "learn" and experience detachment. It does not happen over one night, as in "puff, I'm detached." You first take baby steps, but if you start taking them, then you will start moving forward.

But, consider this. You say, "oh, he just drinks too much and cannot manage his money." So does my hubby, and many many alcoholic husbands and wives. Really, what is so special about him that you cannot lose him? No one is irreplaceable, but once you lose yourself and waste your life, then what? And the way he upsets you and is treating you, well, no one really deserves that.

Tuffgirl

When I married my husband, he met my needs approximately 80% of the time. I figured that was good. Not much longer after, that number dropped to 60%, as his drinking got worse. By the time I moved out, I would say I had gone from 80% of the time to the exact opposite, 20% of the time. The remaining 80% was spent drunk, stoned, or hung over and angry.

Thing is - he was still a great guy some of the time. We had fun, some of the time. We laughed and he was very loving and attentive, some of the time. The rest of the time was what concerned me. I really believe I deserve someone who is like that ALL OF THE TIME, and I refuse to settle for anything less.

It isn't about him, it is about my own perceived self worth. I won't even accept 80% of the time these days. I am aiming much higher, because I am worth it.

And believe me, dating has taken a completely different turn for me when I set those standards. A turn for the better. And I'm loving it!

What are you worth?

Sueski

Jessica - NOT pathetic. This is a process, you are moving at your own pace, and that's okay. Just take care of yourself and keep educating yourself. You will figure things out. No doubt, it will be hard no matter what you do but you will figure out what it is that YOU need.

A lot of what you posted, I could have written a few months ago. I ran away from home, and SR was a tremendous support. Nobody here was judgmental when I went back, although some people were very blunt about the risk I was taking. That's okay. Truth hurts sometimes. Truth is what you'll get here. I'm still married, he's still drinking. I'm getting better at just enjoying the good and letting go of the rest. It could all still blow up in my face at any time but I am taking care of myself. What I hope you take away from this is the notion of progress not perfection, and not beating up on yourself. Take care, sweetie. We are here for you.

trixie56

TG,

This is wonderful! Thank you for sharing. My own experience with my XA was similar, as we were great...most of the time. As he began to drank more, the great times dwindled, and all I could feel anymore was the sting of his words and thoughtless actions. Any of the qualities I'd once loved about him could not make up for the hurt he started to cause me. I tried to make them enough, but my heart and instincts were telling me to get out. So, while he was the one to go AWOL, I try to think of it as me walking away, as well. I knew I wanted more.

The best thing we can do for ourselves is aim higher. We deserve 100%!

thislonelygirl

This is a ploy.
The alcoholic does this. They manipulate the situation and feelings.
Think about a child. ..take away their toy they cry, sometimes theyll reason , others theyll blame, say I hate you and even pretend not to care
You might have seen this in a child or a teenager. Its manipulation and in this case thats what hes doing.
Other attempts didnt work so how can I get my way? How can I be the victim?
Its a game. Dont play.

dancingnow

Not telling you what to do but I remember after I was separated for a year from AH and we were in counselor's office trying to reconcile.

I was so frustrated at that time as it became pretty clear that AH was still actively drinking after a year of separation.

I exclaimed I can't do this anymore and the counselor looked at me with one eyebrow raised and said, you can't, then what have you been doing?

Unbelievably it took that statement from someone else to make me realize I was fine and not even fine, I was doing really well. I just couldn't see it when I kept the focus on my AH.

Focus on you, you will be amazed at how your life can change and you will be more than fine.

It's really hard to separate yourself from the "if you loved me, you wouldn't or because I know you love me then you shouldn't jeopardize our future by ..." thinking. Deep down inside I think that's what we all feel in the beginning that love and our relationship can somehow control and make the A stop being an A.

When he brings the beer home and starts drinking to oblivion, ask yourself, how's this working for me and maybe think about going to a meeting, stepping away from focusing on him.

Someone once told me in an alanon meeting that crying is like saying a prayer and maybe it is and after we say a prayer there's nothing else we can do except focus on ourselves.

(((HUGS)))

HopefulinFLA

You're NOT at all pathetic.

This whole A mess thing is a process for every single one of us. And yes, you're probably at the beginning of "an end". End of the relationship, or maybe end of your suffering.

I found myself feeling a lot like you are right now not so long ago. I just couldn't bear the thought of losing him. (why exactly I'm not sure, he's more of a liability than an asset lol) Lately though, I'm imagining myself more without him and considering the financial aspects of going it alone. Most days it makes me feel sad, but more and more the thought of it makes me feel free. Hmmmm wonder what the next stage will be.

Feel what you feel and don't beat yourself up over it. You will move along at your own pace and eventually end up right where you're supposed to be.

jessicajoe

So many kind responses Thank you.

Hammer- Thank you. I know. I will. Its still all a bit of a secret but I've tried a couple of online Alanon meetings. I'll get there.

Sparkle kitty- I cried with relief? when I read your post thank you for giving me permission to move slowly

Anvilhead- ouch ouch ouch but yeah

Boxinrotz- yes. I have a good wage and am independent with my money so its been a slow process but I'm seeing my savings dwindle and my debt grow as "Mrs Fixit" jumps in to solve his problems. He doesn't ask but he knows I will.

shil2587- just hugs and empathy

Firesprite- This makes real sense Thank You

LifeRecovery- Yes I have always teased him about mood swings and having more personalities than the seven dwarfs (I still have the defensive need to state he is never mean or cruel). In a light-bulb moment I now wonder if the swing between grumpy and distant and distracted and loving all relates to the addiction. D'oh.

healthyagain- Thank You. I think the "special" was how good I felt in this relationship compared to others and yes "felt" is past tense but that's what I'm chasing.

Tuffgirl - I think we are at 50/50 perhaps it just needs to be a little more . The "good" is still my addiction.

Sueski- That was kind. Thank You

trixie 56- I hope that if there comes a time I have to have the strength that you and others here show I will be able.

thislonely girl- objectively I can see this but if I'm honest I'm scared to call his bluff.

dancingnow- Thank you. Making myself fine is honestly top of the list now.

Hopeful in FLA- Thank You. Your post feels like permission to not feel guilty.

Again Thank You all.

LoveMeNow

I am curious....would you say you have abandonment issues? I know I did, and my AH exploited them without me even realizing it. With each threat or separation, I became so scared that I began to compromise each and every of one of my one core values. The downward spiral had begun. I am finally starting to crawl out of that dark whole, I allowed myself to go down.

Alanon, a great therapist and SR have really been a huge blessing for me. I will not compromise anymore, my fear is mostly gone and I have healed a lot of old wounds.

Stay true to yourself and don't let anyone break you.

lizw

My friend, tomorrow is another day and a new start. And my experience has always been awareness is the first step. Sometimes I painfully stew in things that are causing me pain but once the light has switch on and I know it there is no going back.

It just sometimes takes me awhile to go from awareness to acceptance and then on to action.

You may feel like you are going backwards but ur not. It's just your perspective and the battle may seem to be with him but it is actually within you.

If you keep that in mind you cant loose.
Keep on keeping on.

thislonelygirl

I understand there was a time when I freaked out too when my ah said the same. I cried and felt helpless. Love me! Type of feelings
Now even though clearly its not 100 percent better I atleast call his bludf or to the point I font care if hes telling the truth or not. Frankly would bd easier even though sad if he left me lol.
We all got to get there in our own time. You will too. Just stay positive and healthy. Itll get better

HopefulinFLA

Wow! Did you just jump in my head and write about me? I've made a vow not to fix any of his self inflicted problems anymore, and he's been told. We MUST look out for ourselves.