laana

So the last year has been quite awful. In so many ways my alcoholism has deepened but also I have gone through somewhat of a rebirth, memories of my drunken life has just flooded my dreams and daily life. the regrets and the missed opportunities....
but also because of all these raw emotions a more real understanding of the actual disease i am facing has become clearer..I hope that I can try and sit through the pain and get some actual insight and finally understand and accept who I am because deep down I think that the way alcohol has affected me has really destroyed my whole person. It is not really me that I loathe it is me being drunk..

I am starting to understand that maybe it is not me being all together a mess and a bad person..I remember the first couple of times I got drunk together with my friends in our early teens, me passed out and they having a good time..etc etc..the list is too long to go into but I am sure many of you understand. I was not like them and I will never be.

I am also diagnosed with ADHD which I am now starting to understand is a big part of the problem and very related to the alcohol. It is really hard being able to function easily in life when you have this diagnose and because of it I have resented myself, been drinking to cope etc etc etc...

I find reading here on SR I see so much beauty, all of you guys you really are amazing,It is so nice to connect even though I haven't been active.

I have also lately been reading a lot in the family section of people who are in relations with alcoholics (a section I avoided earlier) and it has been an eye opener..both because I have myself been in abusive alcoholic relations where he has been the culprit but I have also been the one running away and choosing my addiction before love and respect and I need to face the pain I did cause.

AllieB

Sounds like you're on a good path.

laana

Thank you. I really hope i am

Anna

It's important to know that alcoholism isn't a character defect and we are not inherently bad people. Many of us have underlying mental issues, as you do. I have had problems with depression and anxiety since my teenage years and alcohol became a coping mechanism.

I hope you keep working on your recovery.

HeadLump

Hi laana. It does sound like you're ready to change. I'm sorry for what's brought you to this point, but now that you're here, you can begin to re-write your future.

((((((hugs)))))))

laana

Thanks you all, Anna you are right, we are not inherently bad people and I do know that.

Most people that know me would describe me as inherently nice and with a really big heart,but a very sensitive and confused soul.
I dont know how many hearts i have broken and how many friends I have discarded because of my addiction and my insecurities. It is up to me to heal and solve that part.

jdooner

Laana, welcome. How long have you been sober? Sounds like you are ready to make a change and thinking clearly. I can related to some of what you say. I think this is a good forum to express views and ask questions. I try to be as honest with myself on this forum and find it cathartic.

laana

Thanks Jdooner, I have been trying to get sober for a long time now, and am really sad to say I do not get many days at once most of the time. I have however made an appointment for counselling as I am just really depressed and burnt out. And am trying to get medicine for the ADHD again, I stopped the treatment 2 years ago as I was living in India and it is not a recognized disorder there...and I do need my focus back, it is driving me crazy..

I will try to be honest here too, It is giving me strength and insight to read stories so similar to mine and also the "happy" stories where people are actually transforming and finding themselves, I so so so so so pray I will be one of them.

God bless

Dee74

good to see you again Laana - hope you'll start posting regularly again

D

laana

Thank you Dee, I am so happy to see you back and am grateful to have met such a great soul as yourself, it gives me hope xx