KNQ1013

I am 26. My husband is 26. We have a 6 year old son and a 12 week old baby girl.. My husband kicked an addiction to pain killers years ago, that he acquired because of a terrible car accident, through the drug court program. He's been through addiction and recovery.. But when I met him he was drinking beer. He claimed that he couldn't call himself sober anymore because he did drink beer, although he didn't have a "drinking problem".. He works hard, and is a man's man.. He drinks anywhere from 3-6 beers on a weeknight.. Up to 18 a day on the weekend.. He rarely gets "drunk" though. When he does, it's obvious and visible and it's got something to do with liquor. I've never known him to hide drinking, since I've never thought he had a problem, he's never had an issue drinking in front of me.. He has some anxiety/stress issue and I actually often find myself handing him a beer when I can see his anxiety level rise. It's a natural response for me by now.. His mother has been telling me for over a year that she believes he has a drinking problem. In fact, he hides his drinking from her simply because he doesn't want to "hear her mouth" about it.. I've denied her convincing pleas and told her that if my husband has any issue, it's that- pardon me, he's an a$$hole.. who sleeps too much. She assured me over and over that the person I know is not the real him, and that she is positive he has a drinking problem. But.. again.. I thought this was just him.. He can be difficult to deal with, stubborn, and lazy.. But he never doesn't love me. He's never lied.. and when it's good- it's like living in a dream. He has a good job that his sleeping in has compromised.. He often sleeps for entire weekends waking only to snack on something- refusing to offer an apology or excuse..

Last week, after a huge blow up, he sat me down and told me that he has a drinking problem.. and wanted to "cut back". I was surprised. And I even felt guilty for not believing his mother. For sticking up for him. Finally on Sunday, he decided, with no prompting, not to have a beer.. He didn't. And he was amazing.. all day..

Monday (yesterday) he called me from work and told me that he had a terrible headache and his legs were shaking.. but that he was trying. I told him I was proud of him. SO proud.. and to come home and it would be one more day down. Two days. He could do it....

He came home and walked into the bathroom with a beer in his hand. "I have to have just one.. I'm sorry." I was disappointed, but glad he had tried and was being candid with me. Minutes later at the dinner table with our son I noticed he was being more silly than usual and slurring his words. I asked my son to go into his room and asked my husband how many "of those" (he was still drinking his beer) he had had before he came home.. Keep in mind- I have NEVER caught this man in a lie.. so to even ask was out of my character.. He denied denied denied.. Then finally, admitted to 2.. then 6..

I was heart broken. I am heartbroken. He lied to my face.. Later, during a confrontation about the lie, he broke a door and pulled the ceiling fan off of the ceiling.. He said terrible things to me that he's NEVER said before.. Quickly, after he was violent toward our bedroom, he came to my comfort and apologized and begged me to help him get sober. He told me he needed me to help him, that he couldn't do it alone..

I am terrified.. Terrified at my own naivety. How could I not see him for what he was? How could I stand up for him when I was so wrong? How could I believe he's never told me a lie?.. How many more lies has he told?.. How do I go about asking? Should I even push for answers? Push for meetings?

I don't know anything about addiction.. I am easily charmed by the love of my life and father of my children. I have always trusted him implicitly.. and I find this website... and I can't stop crying after reading over a dozen of your stories.. all ending in divorce or marriage that is hardly recognizable as sacred and full of love and trust..

Has anyone else been in my shoes? Where do i start? What do I ask? How do I ask it? How did you start this journey? What would you have done differently? Were there more lies...? How did you establish your limit with your alcoholic? I'm so scared that setting a hard boundary right now will push him away, lead him to more lies, and show a non support...

I'm just so lost and so scared.. Does anyone have anything to offer? Thank you, Thank you. Thank you.

dancingnow

FWIW - I would say go back to here ... You didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL, you can't CURE it.

I wish I had more experience with alanon and SR when my RAH got scared and realized he had a problem and wanted to "cut back". It took him another year or so after that to realize that he couldn't "cut back" he had to stop completely.

in the meantime, I let my own fear take over and well, let's just say I wasn't kind or compassionate.

Step away from his responsibility. Suggest he try AA. You cannot "help" him with his recovery.

Continue to love him. Now that you know he has a problem, decide what you will accept about whether or not he takes care of it. If he doesn't it will only progress.

Try alanon for yourself.

honeypig

Welcome to SR--pretty much EVERYONE has been (or is) in your shoes, so we all understand...and none of us were "experts" on addiction when we started, either. We learned it as we went along, whether we wanted to or not, just like you will do. You are NOT alone and you are NOT the first; just hang w/us here. You'll be OK, even tho it seems like your world is tipping upside down.

As numbered above:
1. Regarding how many more lies he has told and should you ask--what leads you to believe you'd get a truthful answer? We have already established that he lies, right? And that is what alcoholics do to protect their addiction. So no, not a lot of point in asking this.

2. "Push for meetings", yes--for YOU. YOU need to get to Alanon. Here's a link http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ Again, these are people who have been/are in your shoes and can provide so much of the education and face-to-face support you need right now. SR is a wonderful community, but an online forum does have its limitations. I use SR and Alanon together for the strengths of each. As far as pushing HIM for meetings, no point--he has to want recovery for himself and no amount of "encouragement" from you will make that happen.

3. Regarding anyone else being in your shoes, as I said earlier, we all have. As far as the rest of it, you are bound to have TONS of questions. Reading here is a great start. Read the stickies at the top of the page, too. Read the books recommended there. Talk to your Alanon folks. The more you know about alcoholism and its patterns, the less you'll take things personally. There is a LOT to take in, and it takes time. For now, just try to keep steady and get your bearings. Find out what you're up against in this disease. You don't have to make decisions right this second about what your ultimate action will be.

4. Don't worry about what HE thinks of YOUR boundaries. They are for YOU and YOUR sanity. In Alanon, they talk about the 3 C's--you didn't Cause his drinking, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. He will drink regardless of how much "support" you do or don't show him. Keep yourself and your children safe. It is a short step from breaking a door or fan to hurting you or the kids. There are others here who are much more knowledgeable about domestic violence issues who will doubtless be along to help, too.

Take some breaths. Read. Stay safe. You will NOT fall off the cliff. It's a lot right now, but you WILL be OK. ((((hugs))))

Cyranoak

This is where you will find your solution: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings.

IT IS FOR YOU, NOT HIM.

His salvation may be here, as it has been for millions of alcoholics all over the world since the 1930s: Alcoholics Anonymous : HOW TO FIND A.A. MEETINGS.

In my opinion nothing else works.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Recovering2

Don't beat yourself up for not seeing the problem as it got worse. In Alanon they talk about the frog in a pot of boiling water. If you toss him into the boiling water, he will jump right out. But if you put him in water, and slowly turn up the heat, he won't recognize what's happening and will boil to death. That's what happens to many of us who love an A. The behaviors develop over time, and we don't see them until it's too late.

So now you're wide awake, and you know your spouse is an alcoholic. I'm a little concerned about the fact that he's trying to stop alone. His ill feelings, ie shaking legs, etc are a sign that he's detoxing. If he's not able to do it, he may need medical help to get through detox. Then he needs to commit to recovery. Abstaining from alcohol without a recovery program is doomed to fail.

Bottom line....there is nothing you can do about whether he gets sober or not. If he doesn't, he will continue to lie etc to protect his addiction. All you can do is take care of yourself and your kids. Get to an AlAnon meeting, many have child care. Educate yourself, learn to set healthy boundaries for yourself.