Worst Night Ever - Scared & Confused
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: acceptance
Posts: 126
Worst Night Ever - Scared & Confused
As I have read others posts I have always felt compassion and yet thankful that my problems aren't as bad as what others endure.
But now they are and I have been fooled yet again. Why do I trust and believe he will be honest or fair because he admits he has put me through he**.
AH agreed we needed to be amicable. I am working on papers but found out earlier today he has been stalling me by lying. Said he would quit deed our home as part of settlement but I overheard him telling someone no way was he doing that. Since relapsing, he comes home after work, drinks here then goes to a friends house, drinks there and comes home after I go to bed. Has another mikes hard lemon aid as a night cap.
He tells his family/friends I am trying to control him. Since this last relapse I have made no attempt to stop him from anything . My only attempt with him is trying to get him to make agreements so we can end this and i can move on. Two months of this - how can we discuss anything? if he wants this over, wants me out of his life why wouldnt he at least write something down for me if he can't talk.
Dear God I want out of here so bad! He won't let anyone come help me pack or move.(said there was no reason because he was giving me the house) I had a back injury/surgery and he knows it is impossible for me to do this myself. He threatens me in various ways. (Fine in the morning and an a** once he is liquor'd up). Tonight he threatened to hit himself, call the police and tell them I hit him. I wont let him see it, but I am beginning to be alarmed and scared. His anger is escalating.
I have notes and text messages apologizing for threatening me and people that have heard his threats when he didnt know I was on the phone. I absolutely know I can get a restraining order but he has said it's nothing but a piece of paper and he doesn't care. I don't know if he is calling my bluff or not.
His biggest complaint right now is he cant use his credit card because it didn't get paid. why? because I stopped my check from depositing in to our joint account after he missed 8 days unpaid time on a binge. Put my check in another account and paid bills in my name.
I have an appointment with an attorney but if we agree it's $ 2200. Anticipated extra problems because he is an "A" and restraining order etc he wants $5000 up front. Same price from any other attorney. I don't have that much right now.
This has been the worst night in our entire marriage. I feel nothing but disgust with him right now and I am bordering on hate.
Thanks for reading, please say a prayer for me that tomorrow will be a better day.
But now they are and I have been fooled yet again. Why do I trust and believe he will be honest or fair because he admits he has put me through he**.
AH agreed we needed to be amicable. I am working on papers but found out earlier today he has been stalling me by lying. Said he would quit deed our home as part of settlement but I overheard him telling someone no way was he doing that. Since relapsing, he comes home after work, drinks here then goes to a friends house, drinks there and comes home after I go to bed. Has another mikes hard lemon aid as a night cap.
He tells his family/friends I am trying to control him. Since this last relapse I have made no attempt to stop him from anything . My only attempt with him is trying to get him to make agreements so we can end this and i can move on. Two months of this - how can we discuss anything? if he wants this over, wants me out of his life why wouldnt he at least write something down for me if he can't talk.
Dear God I want out of here so bad! He won't let anyone come help me pack or move.(said there was no reason because he was giving me the house) I had a back injury/surgery and he knows it is impossible for me to do this myself. He threatens me in various ways. (Fine in the morning and an a** once he is liquor'd up). Tonight he threatened to hit himself, call the police and tell them I hit him. I wont let him see it, but I am beginning to be alarmed and scared. His anger is escalating.
I have notes and text messages apologizing for threatening me and people that have heard his threats when he didnt know I was on the phone. I absolutely know I can get a restraining order but he has said it's nothing but a piece of paper and he doesn't care. I don't know if he is calling my bluff or not.
His biggest complaint right now is he cant use his credit card because it didn't get paid. why? because I stopped my check from depositing in to our joint account after he missed 8 days unpaid time on a binge. Put my check in another account and paid bills in my name.
I have an appointment with an attorney but if we agree it's $ 2200. Anticipated extra problems because he is an "A" and restraining order etc he wants $5000 up front. Same price from any other attorney. I don't have that much right now.
This has been the worst night in our entire marriage. I feel nothing but disgust with him right now and I am bordering on hate.
Thanks for reading, please say a prayer for me that tomorrow will be a better day.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
(((Hugs))) to you at this terrible time.
The first thought that sprang to mind was are u able to remove yourself from the situation for a temp period of time? Go stay with friends or family? Not forever but maybe a few days?
Being round that sort of behaviour would drive me totally bonkers and these days I really appreciate a bit of peace
The first thought that sprang to mind was are u able to remove yourself from the situation for a temp period of time? Go stay with friends or family? Not forever but maybe a few days?
Being round that sort of behaviour would drive me totally bonkers and these days I really appreciate a bit of peace
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: acceptance
Posts: 126
Yes I can go somewhere for a few days but he has threatened to lock me out of the house.
This is my third (and last) round with this. Kicking myself that I didn't get out while the getting was good 5 years ago.
It's a very long story, but if I leave my belongings, there is a good chance I will never see many of them again.
Going to ask if I can get temp orders to pack and move and maybe someone to stay until I get out. He will not be combative if there is a witness. At least that is what I believe but when alcohol is present there are no guarantees.
This is my third (and last) round with this. Kicking myself that I didn't get out while the getting was good 5 years ago.
It's a very long story, but if I leave my belongings, there is a good chance I will never see many of them again.
Going to ask if I can get temp orders to pack and move and maybe someone to stay until I get out. He will not be combative if there is a witness. At least that is what I believe but when alcohol is present there are no guarantees.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: acceptance
Posts: 126
Yes but he has several drinking buddies on our block so sneaking back in isn't really an option.
I might get one quick shot but after that he wouldn't give me another.
Just amazing he thinks I am the controlling one.
I might get one quick shot but after that he wouldn't give me another.
Just amazing he thinks I am the controlling one.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Charmed,
Alcoholism is progressive and when the A starts losing control of his prey his nastiness starts getting much worse in many cases.
Having been in this kind of scary situation as a child and watching my A father "scare" us into staying there to keep him from burning it down either with us in it or empty if we left my mother finally went to the courts for relief.
She got a court order to remove her things from the house with the police standing by to protect her and us and a restraining order. Once we left he didn't burn the house down and died alone in his alcoholism about 10 years later. So... sometimes its bluff and sometimes its not.
Sadly your choices are limited. Stay and try to deal with an A with the house in the center of the mix or leave the house with all of your stuff and let the court work out its final disposition. Keeping him away if you stay there if he is already threatening no fear of restraining orders is problematic because drinking makes them irrational.
Wouldn't you rather get a fresh start and find a place where you have support and others around you? Even an apartment complex with a gate could be helpful. However, it is true that A's are less stable and ignore normal restraints however statistically the vast majority of women that leave A's do not receive the "threatened harm" that was promised if they escaped.
Be careful and get out of there is my advice. Get away from the craziness and fight for the house or equity later.... just get out. Counseling and Alanon will help.
Good luck.
Alcoholism is progressive and when the A starts losing control of his prey his nastiness starts getting much worse in many cases.
Having been in this kind of scary situation as a child and watching my A father "scare" us into staying there to keep him from burning it down either with us in it or empty if we left my mother finally went to the courts for relief.
She got a court order to remove her things from the house with the police standing by to protect her and us and a restraining order. Once we left he didn't burn the house down and died alone in his alcoholism about 10 years later. So... sometimes its bluff and sometimes its not.
Sadly your choices are limited. Stay and try to deal with an A with the house in the center of the mix or leave the house with all of your stuff and let the court work out its final disposition. Keeping him away if you stay there if he is already threatening no fear of restraining orders is problematic because drinking makes them irrational.
Wouldn't you rather get a fresh start and find a place where you have support and others around you? Even an apartment complex with a gate could be helpful. However, it is true that A's are less stable and ignore normal restraints however statistically the vast majority of women that leave A's do not receive the "threatened harm" that was promised if they escaped.
Be careful and get out of there is my advice. Get away from the craziness and fight for the house or equity later.... just get out. Counseling and Alanon will help.
Good luck.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: acceptance
Posts: 126
Thank you Hope.
I am more scared than anything. He can be spiteful and vengeful when under the influence. I know all A's are unpredictable but the last 2 times it was a slow escalation. I thought I would see it coming and have a little time to plan but this time he changed over night. (The anger/ aggressive part) It's like he picked up right where he left off 5 years ago.
He says he is "controlling" his drinking now. Says he is fine if he stays away from hard liquor. I do believe he is trying to limit his intake but I know for certain it is 1-2 hard lemon aides, then 2-3 beers an another hard lemonaid in a 4 to 4-1/2 hour period. This is much less than he was doing before but still a lot when it is every day. And the anger is definitely present.
For my own safety and serenity I am going to have to do something fast and I know it. I was thinking of going to the police today to let them know what is going on. At least then I may have some protection in the fact that he is trying to make sure I am the one removed from the house quickly without paying a lawyer. He hates lawyers and I think he see's the police as a "she hit me" way of barring me from the house. He has outright said he would do this and I heard him say to someone on the phone, yep right upside the face. Then kept threatening to call police last night. He did not know I had someone on the phone listening that heard him too. I think I foiled the plan for 1 night anyway. He finally went to sleep after I locked myself in the bedroom.
I have only slept on and off for 4 hours. This is crazy and I just need to get out.
I am more scared than anything. He can be spiteful and vengeful when under the influence. I know all A's are unpredictable but the last 2 times it was a slow escalation. I thought I would see it coming and have a little time to plan but this time he changed over night. (The anger/ aggressive part) It's like he picked up right where he left off 5 years ago.
He says he is "controlling" his drinking now. Says he is fine if he stays away from hard liquor. I do believe he is trying to limit his intake but I know for certain it is 1-2 hard lemon aides, then 2-3 beers an another hard lemonaid in a 4 to 4-1/2 hour period. This is much less than he was doing before but still a lot when it is every day. And the anger is definitely present.
For my own safety and serenity I am going to have to do something fast and I know it. I was thinking of going to the police today to let them know what is going on. At least then I may have some protection in the fact that he is trying to make sure I am the one removed from the house quickly without paying a lawyer. He hates lawyers and I think he see's the police as a "she hit me" way of barring me from the house. He has outright said he would do this and I heard him say to someone on the phone, yep right upside the face. Then kept threatening to call police last night. He did not know I had someone on the phone listening that heard him too. I think I foiled the plan for 1 night anyway. He finally went to sleep after I locked myself in the bedroom.
I have only slept on and off for 4 hours. This is crazy and I just need to get out.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
I was thinking about ur situation last night as it does sound like a terrible place to be and it reminds me of many I have been in myself.
I spent 5 years in a relationship with a guy (who was a sober member of AA) who thought the way to solve any problems we had was thru violence or/and intimidation/fits of rage I also grew up with a father who did too, still does.
After I started attending Al Anon I started to noticed the guy (sober AA member) who I was in this relationship with would only break my stuff when he would go on a anger bender over whatever made him mad at the time. Prior to that I think I was so caught up in the fear/threats /drama/paranoia I couldn't see what was really happening.
By the time that relationship ended I was no longer reacting to his behaviour or threats which actually got worse for awhile when I started trying to control myself (and not react) when he acted out. To get to that place tho was not easy. I had to let go of a lot of ideas I had about relationships and how I thought he 'should be' treating me which obviously was better than the treatment he dished out. But when I did this I started to change and the situation changed.
Whatever u choose to do, please keep urself safe. I dunno if u believe in a HP or God but I believe and I know without a shadow of a doubt this power loves us all and wants us to be safe and look after ourselves.
Try and do something nice for urself today. Even if it is eating a nice meal, having a bath or a coffee with a friend.
I spent 5 years in a relationship with a guy (who was a sober member of AA) who thought the way to solve any problems we had was thru violence or/and intimidation/fits of rage I also grew up with a father who did too, still does.
After I started attending Al Anon I started to noticed the guy (sober AA member) who I was in this relationship with would only break my stuff when he would go on a anger bender over whatever made him mad at the time. Prior to that I think I was so caught up in the fear/threats /drama/paranoia I couldn't see what was really happening.
By the time that relationship ended I was no longer reacting to his behaviour or threats which actually got worse for awhile when I started trying to control myself (and not react) when he acted out. To get to that place tho was not easy. I had to let go of a lot of ideas I had about relationships and how I thought he 'should be' treating me which obviously was better than the treatment he dished out. But when I did this I started to change and the situation changed.
Whatever u choose to do, please keep urself safe. I dunno if u believe in a HP or God but I believe and I know without a shadow of a doubt this power loves us all and wants us to be safe and look after ourselves.
Try and do something nice for urself today. Even if it is eating a nice meal, having a bath or a coffee with a friend.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
If I were you this is what I would do:
Call the police (non-emergency) and see if someone will escort you to get your stuff. Usually they will get an officer to accompany you for a couple of hours at a time. Explain the situation. If they offer you advice, TAKE IT.
Get the lawyer. Frankly, I'm paying for my lawyer by credit card. It's terrible and I hate it but I don't have other options.
Call his bluff. You don't have to call it to his face, but he will say whatever is necessary to get you to leave his addiction alone and so he won't have to make any life changes of his own. He says he wants you out, just expedite the process and make sure you have witnesses and your support system lined up to help you get out safely.
Call the police (non-emergency) and see if someone will escort you to get your stuff. Usually they will get an officer to accompany you for a couple of hours at a time. Explain the situation. If they offer you advice, TAKE IT.
Get the lawyer. Frankly, I'm paying for my lawyer by credit card. It's terrible and I hate it but I don't have other options.
Call his bluff. You don't have to call it to his face, but he will say whatever is necessary to get you to leave his addiction alone and so he won't have to make any life changes of his own. He says he wants you out, just expedite the process and make sure you have witnesses and your support system lined up to help you get out safely.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello Charmed3, and sorry to hear the troubles your husband has created.
Another resource for you to consider is the local women's shelters. Not for you to stay in one, but to ask them for advice. They know the law that are specific to your location, and they can help you find resources like low-cost lawyers and people that can help with physical activities like packing and moving. They can also help you find temporary storage for your belongings.
Mike
Another resource for you to consider is the local women's shelters. Not for you to stay in one, but to ask them for advice. They know the law that are specific to your location, and they can help you find resources like low-cost lawyers and people that can help with physical activities like packing and moving. They can also help you find temporary storage for your belongings.
Mike
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: acceptance
Posts: 126
Thank you all so much, it means so much to know others understand and care.
Today I went to the police station and talked to an officer. They can only give me 30 minutes stand by and I can only take clothes and personal/toiletries/hygiene items. I know this is just another day for them, they see this crap all the time but I was mistaken thinking there would be compassion.
Until I am out I hope he continues going to friends after work and I plan to lock myself in to my room as soon as he pulls in to the garage.
My lawyer is out today & tomorrow but I will meet with them Thursday. I have family & a couple friends on standby for a quick pack & move when I have things lined up. I will have to leave a lot behind but there is nothing I can do about it. I know it's going to be rough for a while but I am ready to move on.
This is absolutely exhausting. I know I am stronger than I feel right now, just need to keep taking deep breaths and know that soon I will have peace.
Today I went to the police station and talked to an officer. They can only give me 30 minutes stand by and I can only take clothes and personal/toiletries/hygiene items. I know this is just another day for them, they see this crap all the time but I was mistaken thinking there would be compassion.
Until I am out I hope he continues going to friends after work and I plan to lock myself in to my room as soon as he pulls in to the garage.
My lawyer is out today & tomorrow but I will meet with them Thursday. I have family & a couple friends on standby for a quick pack & move when I have things lined up. I will have to leave a lot behind but there is nothing I can do about it. I know it's going to be rough for a while but I am ready to move on.
This is absolutely exhausting. I know I am stronger than I feel right now, just need to keep taking deep breaths and know that soon I will have peace.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 74
Get out.
There is NOTHING so important in that house that it is worth your life. If you think for one moment this won't go far, you have to remember that before all this started, you probably told yourself it wouldn't get this far, didn't you?
Locking yourself IN the house is the same as a rat hiding in the back of the cage... you're still in prison, you're still not safe, you're still under his control. You are worth getting free. Even if you leave with nothing but the clothes on your back, you are alive, and better off than you are in your cage.
There is NOTHING so important in that house that it is worth your life. If you think for one moment this won't go far, you have to remember that before all this started, you probably told yourself it wouldn't get this far, didn't you?
Locking yourself IN the house is the same as a rat hiding in the back of the cage... you're still in prison, you're still not safe, you're still under his control. You are worth getting free. Even if you leave with nothing but the clothes on your back, you are alive, and better off than you are in your cage.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
Get the locks changed.
I know it sounds cruel, but if he cannot get in for a day or two he will have to make other arrangements. That should give you some breathing space to look at how to get things forcibly put in your name.
I really hope you can find a way out of this.
I know it sounds cruel, but if he cannot get in for a day or two he will have to make other arrangements. That should give you some breathing space to look at how to get things forcibly put in your name.
I really hope you can find a way out of this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
You cannot legally change the locks and lock out someone who has been living in a residence even if unmarried.
The police cannot give a great deal of time unless there is an emergency court order issued by a judge. You would need an attorney to file an emergency motion to ask for this and there should be reasons listed for this drastic action. In my mother's case my father had threatened to burn down the house with all of her possessions.
If you have everything sorted and organized and lots of help 30 minutes is a very long time! Get all your legal papers, small items out in advance while he works. Inventory all the rest of your possessions and take pictures and number and leave the big stuff you don't need.
Its just stuff. Get your photographs and precious possessions that cannot be replaced and leave the sofa and get out!
Peace and serenity comes when you get out of the insanity and into a recovery program. Have you got a support group? Alanon? Counselor? They can be so life changing....
The police cannot give a great deal of time unless there is an emergency court order issued by a judge. You would need an attorney to file an emergency motion to ask for this and there should be reasons listed for this drastic action. In my mother's case my father had threatened to burn down the house with all of her possessions.
If you have everything sorted and organized and lots of help 30 minutes is a very long time! Get all your legal papers, small items out in advance while he works. Inventory all the rest of your possessions and take pictures and number and leave the big stuff you don't need.
Its just stuff. Get your photographs and precious possessions that cannot be replaced and leave the sofa and get out!
Peace and serenity comes when you get out of the insanity and into a recovery program. Have you got a support group? Alanon? Counselor? They can be so life changing....
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