Some people
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Some people
... Do not care at all about how they have made you feel. Are they narcissists?
Some people tell you they love you, and break up with you the next day. Seemingly out of nowhere.
Some people only care about how you make them look.
Some people project fears and insecurities onto you. And they blame you for making them feel terrible. But sometimes people believe what these people say about you.
And these other people think differently about you.
Because the narcissist is so charming.
And you feel like you're in the Twilight Zone.
And it makes you want to drink.
Don't worry I'm not drinking.
I'm just mad.
Some people tell you they love you, and break up with you the next day. Seemingly out of nowhere.
Some people only care about how you make them look.
Some people project fears and insecurities onto you. And they blame you for making them feel terrible. But sometimes people believe what these people say about you.
And these other people think differently about you.
Because the narcissist is so charming.
And you feel like you're in the Twilight Zone.
And it makes you want to drink.
Don't worry I'm not drinking.
I'm just mad.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
Sadly what you described is how some people relate to the world. You gave all you could to this person with genuine friendship and good will and they were not capable of reciprocating, in fact the way they behaved has been damaging to you. It's time to wish them the best, cut ties, and move on.
You give people chances, if they disappoint you and hurt you over and over it's because they do not have the capacity for a healthy relationship, and you have to set sail for your next destination. Realizing this was so, so helpful to me in my pursuit of peace and happiness. This is important for you too now when you really need to protect your emotional well being and focus on your own sobriety. Hugs.
You give people chances, if they disappoint you and hurt you over and over it's because they do not have the capacity for a healthy relationship, and you have to set sail for your next destination. Realizing this was so, so helpful to me in my pursuit of peace and happiness. This is important for you too now when you really need to protect your emotional well being and focus on your own sobriety. Hugs.
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Thank you Renarde. The ties have been cut, happily. But now it's bled out into my group of friends. I'm the bad guy. As usual. And all I did was sit down to dinner. This crap came at me. I very rarely take a victim stance. But I feel misjudged. Story of my life.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Something that I try and keep in mind is that whenever I get upset about how someone else made me feel, the fact is that
I have voluntarily given them a LOT of power.
I can actively choose not to allow them the power of making me feel anything in particular.
Some people are good at trying to push my buttons, but I'm getting better at seeing it for what it is.
I have voluntarily given them a LOT of power.
I can actively choose not to allow them the power of making me feel anything in particular.
Some people are good at trying to push my buttons, but I'm getting better at seeing it for what it is.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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Please don't misunderstand. I struggle with other people all the time. Just getting better at it. It is really obvious that some people do things to get a reaction. Then there are others who clearly have psychological issues of their own.
I guess what I'm trying to say is its a process. Being sober helps me to think before simply reacting. What they think is not my business.
I guess what I'm trying to say is its a process. Being sober helps me to think before simply reacting. What they think is not my business.
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Well unfortunately what these other people think about me affects my job. And my DF talks about me. And the only way to fight back is for me to expose some rely gnarly secrets about her so her credibility is shot. I'm between a rock and a hard place.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: North of England
Posts: 1,442
I am also conscious that alcohol abuse has made me at times a very selfish person in my own particular partnership. My partner has tolerated a great deal. Nothing violent or aggressive or anything like that - simply the way a habitual drinker copes by putting things off, being lazy, procrastinating and thinking of drink as pretty much the highest priority in any given plan of action.
She deserves a medal and I am lucky to still have her.
She deserves a medal and I am lucky to still have her.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wisconsin
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Originally Posted by Plenny 
Well unfortunately what these other people think about me affects my job. And my DF talks about me. And the only way to fight back is for me to expose some rely gnarly secrets about her so her credibility is shot. I'm between a rock and a hard place.
Unfortunately, people do this kind of stuff because it really does work, sadly.
If you are in a dysfunctional business setting, can you switch jobs?
Are the things you know about your coworker directly related to the job?
If yes, I see no reason not to share it. If its just dishing dirt, I say keep it quiet. You don't want to be that guy.
Velveteen Rabbit
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: San Diego, Cali
Posts: 2,661
Plenny,
I broke up with my "best friend." Happened about two years ago when I realized she wasn't good for me. She was a pathological liar (really), with a drinking problem, who was cheating on her husband. The drinking didn't bother me at the time....but the lying and cheating - icky. I found out I was being used as a front to lie to her husband.
So, I exited the friendship. I paid a very deep, dark price at the workplace. It was like High School Musical with no music. I became the enemy.
Sorry to bend your ear with my story, but I needed to tell you this: I haven't regretted ending the "friendship" even once. Things got better!
I'm sorry - this is really hard to go through at a fragile time in your life. Separate from the drama and you'll feel better. Surround yourself with people who love you and do the things that bring you joy.
I broke up with my "best friend." Happened about two years ago when I realized she wasn't good for me. She was a pathological liar (really), with a drinking problem, who was cheating on her husband. The drinking didn't bother me at the time....but the lying and cheating - icky. I found out I was being used as a front to lie to her husband.
So, I exited the friendship. I paid a very deep, dark price at the workplace. It was like High School Musical with no music. I became the enemy.
Sorry to bend your ear with my story, but I needed to tell you this: I haven't regretted ending the "friendship" even once. Things got better!
I'm sorry - this is really hard to go through at a fragile time in your life. Separate from the drama and you'll feel better. Surround yourself with people who love you and do the things that bring you joy.
Velveteen Rabbit
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: San Diego, Cali
Posts: 2,661
Oh, and I agree with everything DoubleBarrell said (as usual)!
Just be aware, I've been waiting two years for her lies to come home to roost. Still waiting! It's been a long two years taking the high road. It seems so unfair.
Karma happens though ~ I believe that some day, some time, she will get it all back in spades.
Just be aware, I've been waiting two years for her lies to come home to roost. Still waiting! It's been a long two years taking the high road. It seems so unfair.
Karma happens though ~ I believe that some day, some time, she will get it all back in spades.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Originally Posted by Plenny
Thank you Renarde. The ties have been cut, happily. But now it's bled out into my group of friends. I'm the bad guy. As usual. And all I did was sit down to dinner. This crap came at me. I very rarely take a victim stance. But I feel misjudged. Story of my life.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 2,303
Originally Posted by Plenny
And the only way to fight back is for me to expose some rely gnarly secrets about her so her credibility is shot.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Thanks everyone.
Lillian, I hope I can be patient enough to wait for truth, as I try really hard to just live up to my own standards and hope that people see the true me and my good intentions.
Unfortunately (as I've harped on about way too many times) I was raised by a narcissistic alcoholic mother who did the same kind of manipulating and bad mouthing about me that this friend is now doing. I feel like I've been taking the high road my whole life, but there's still people in my family who are convinced that I am a violent, dangerous, disrespectful, unsavory person, per my mother's description. It's why I am trying to break my cycle of toxic female relationships.
Renarde, I've compensated for this tough position (really the only way to clear up perceptions would be to blow her cover, not that I want to do this) by writing a letter to my DFs sister. Something I've wanted to do for years. Because she simply needs help or she will die. I can shrug this burden I've been carrying by informing a family member and feel better about just walking away. And hopefully, in that way, she can somehow find help. And then I don't have to blow her cover.
I am too too used to people misrepresenting me when I don't have a chance to speak for myself. My job is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But she's well loved and has been around for a long time, and she brought me in. I'm very green in the business, and no one really knows about me. It's not fair and I'm afraid that this will be taken from me. Yet again a jealous, unhappy A will squash me as I try to keep my chin up, my nose clean, and take "the high road."
Sigh. But I don't want to live the alternative. I'm not cutthroat. I'm honest and hardworking.
Lillian, I hope I can be patient enough to wait for truth, as I try really hard to just live up to my own standards and hope that people see the true me and my good intentions.
Unfortunately (as I've harped on about way too many times) I was raised by a narcissistic alcoholic mother who did the same kind of manipulating and bad mouthing about me that this friend is now doing. I feel like I've been taking the high road my whole life, but there's still people in my family who are convinced that I am a violent, dangerous, disrespectful, unsavory person, per my mother's description. It's why I am trying to break my cycle of toxic female relationships.
Renarde, I've compensated for this tough position (really the only way to clear up perceptions would be to blow her cover, not that I want to do this) by writing a letter to my DFs sister. Something I've wanted to do for years. Because she simply needs help or she will die. I can shrug this burden I've been carrying by informing a family member and feel better about just walking away. And hopefully, in that way, she can somehow find help. And then I don't have to blow her cover.
I am too too used to people misrepresenting me when I don't have a chance to speak for myself. My job is the best thing that has ever happened to me. But she's well loved and has been around for a long time, and she brought me in. I'm very green in the business, and no one really knows about me. It's not fair and I'm afraid that this will be taken from me. Yet again a jealous, unhappy A will squash me as I try to keep my chin up, my nose clean, and take "the high road."
Sigh. But I don't want to live the alternative. I'm not cutthroat. I'm honest and hardworking.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
I don't blame you for your anger. But regrettably it's part of the real world. I learned that I could not change the way other folks behave and think. All I could do is practice ignoring them and stick with my own program. Increasingly it seems we live in a "me" culture, where people are concerned largely with themselves. I can't change that either. I can just practice dealing with anger and be aware that some of it may come from that primitive part of my brain that wants an excuse to resume drinking. If I relapse and start drinking again then what people might say about me could well be true.
W.
W.
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