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I gave him an ultimatum. He doesn't know I know he broke his promise.



I gave him an ultimatum. He doesn't know I know he broke his promise.

Old 09-16-2013, 08:03 PM
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I gave him an ultimatum. He doesn't know I know he broke his promise.

Okay. So, I gave my husband an ultimatum.

The exact words (I saved a copy of the letter I gave him):

"So this is how it stands. I won't be digging or hunting, but if I catch you hiding anything, stealing anything, or lying, that is it. I am done. I will ask you to leave, and (top part cut off because I suck at copying things.)"

I caught him hiding again. He thinks he got away with it, either that, or he's high. He has been snorting something. He's had the ***** all day, and has been sitting with the bathroom door wide open. I know, because I've been watching him. (Not on purpose, my desk happens to sit across from the bathroom.)

Tonight, though, he suddenly got shy. I went to the living room to ask him something, noticed he wasn't there. Saw the bathroom door was shut. I walked in, fully expecting to catch him. I did. He was putting his wallet back in his pocket. His standard MO is to crush the pill on the bathroom counter, roll up a dollar bill, and snort it. That's what he was doing the last time I caught him.

He went back to the back porch to smoke his pipe (tobacco pipe. He's either thrown away or hidden his weed pipe really well. I don't know which, I don't care.)

There is white residue on the counter.

So. I know he's snorted something. Supposedly he stopped the prescription he was abusing (I was standing there when he told the nurse, I didn't ask him to.) However, I don't know that he got rid of the pills themselves. He never throws any pill away, so I doubt it. He could be abusing any number of things, though. What it is really doesn't matter.

He's been so nice lately. Solicitous, doing the dishes without being asked. HE saw me just now knock over a pile (and knows how upset I get at that lately) and started cleaning up the living room.

Now, I figure it's probably nothing more than guilt. I can't even believe him when he's being kind anymore.

So I know what I need to do. What I have to do. I have to follow through with my threat, or that's all it is, and he knows that there are no consequences for his actions. Or do I wait for them to call from the long-term care place and hope they get him a bed soon? Six months, he'll be gone. Do I wait and see if they "fix" him? (I know, I know, they can't, he has to do the work) or do I just kick him out on his ass and relay a message when they call?

But... I don't know when. Now? Before bed? Tomorrow, after the girls are in school? Do I lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling again?

I think I know what I want to do. I want to wait until tomorrow. I want to call my sponsor in the morning (it's too late now, she won't answer after 11). I need to eat something, because I haven't had dinner, and my appetite is shot but I need fuel since my stomach is growling. I need to get some rest; I was up until 3 AM last night reading a friend's manuscript. I need to have a clear head, when I'm not hurt, and he's not high on his own prescription pills.

And I need to pray. I don't know. What would you do?
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Old 09-16-2013, 08:39 PM
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What would you do?
Loaded question, but I'll take it on.

In my situation, I wasn't married. Nor did I have children with my AXGF. What I did during the scary times with her was gave her the benefit of the doubt, both out of love and out of fear of losing her. And my AXGF, being who she is, took advantage of that.

Knowing now what I know, I simply wouldn't get involved with an addict. If I was involved with someone that revealed herself to be an addict, I'd simply leave and that would be that. Being emotionally compromised isn't good for me under any circumstances.

Ultimatums only work if you back up the threat. And if addicts think they can get away with something, they'll get away with it. So you can make threats, you can posture, but unless you follow through, your threats are only words.

So, my advice for you, for tonight, is to make sure you get a good night's rest, that you have something good to eat tomorrow, and that you take it easy on yourself. Talking with your sponsor is a good idea. And my hope is members like AnvilHead, Cynical_One, Ann and Vale will pipe up and share their hard earned wisdom. Pay attention, keep an open mind, and pray for the strength and the clarity you will need if you're forced to do something you don't want to do.

Be safe, and keep us posted.

ZoSo
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Old 09-16-2013, 09:19 PM
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Thanks. I think he's figured out that I know, or at the very least, his guilt is eating him up. He might have seen me writing in my Al Anon notebook. He's been sniffling and acting depressed (although the sniffling could be from the meds he snorted). He's settled down in the living room and covered up, taken off his glasses like he's going to sleep there tonight.

But in spite of that, he hasn't confessed. I told him I was tired of only getting the truth when he's confronted with it. He hasn't changed *at all.*

Tomorrow will hurt, I think. But I can't be responsible for his choices. This was not my choice. I told him what would happen. He chose to ignore that warning, and now he's going to have to deal with it.

What happens when he leaves is not my fault.

My question is, what in God's name am I going to tell the girls? (7 and 5.)
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Old 09-16-2013, 09:29 PM
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You are in a tuff spot. If you ignore it, you have to swallow your suspicions of use; those feelings will eventually bubble over.If you comfront him, you run the risk of being manipulated into believing that you were wrong....or, you actually follow through. No real great option here.
Laying awake at night starring at the ceiling and wondering about what impact my actions (like this) would have is what finally led me to buying a home drug test. My mind could literally not handle detective work or debating if he was using anymore. Or if what I was seeing was real or if I was just hyper-sensitive to signs. I made my ultimatum, watched my addict slip then introduced the drug test on a sober day. He accepted that it existed in the house from that point on and that we wouldn't be having long or short conversations about whether he was high or not anymore.
Right now, I would surrender to the fact that you aren't sure of what to do and that is okay for tonight. Eating and sleeping always brings better choices and decisions. Let all that crap go for one night and just fall asleep.
I wasted many nights wide awake when the answer presented itself the next day. Essentially, I wasted time thinking when I could have slept and all would have been the same.
No matter what you decide to do, you'll need to be in a better frame of mind to make it work and to feel good about it.
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Old 09-16-2013, 09:46 PM
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He's an alcoholic and substance abuser. He has not worked in 5 years.

Given you have two very young children at home, what about this situation is acceptable to you?

You can't fix or save him. He's going to do what he's going to do, regardless of what you do or not.

Put the best interests of your children first. The rest will follow.
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Old 09-17-2013, 06:59 AM
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So I did it. I got some sleep (a whole five hours) and woke up this morning. The girls were already up and dressed; I let him take them to school. He knew what was coming; last night he slept on the couch.

I asked him to leave. I told him I would keep buying his meds, and keep minutes on his cell phone, until he can find a job and pay for them himself. He left on foot, to head to his best friend's job (about half a mile away.) I don't know where he'll end up tonight. I would say I don't care, but I do. But that's not my responsibility anymore. Right now, I have to take care of my children, and me.

I'm sad. Maybe a little in shock; I've cried a little, but not like I would have expected. I'm just so damn tired now. This has taken everything I have, and I cried myself out a long time ago.

I hope he recovers. I'll let him know with the long-term care facility calls, and hopefully he'll be going (I think he has to at this point, what else does he have?). But now, this is all him. I'll support him, love him, however he can, but now he has to do the work. I can't.
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Old 09-17-2013, 07:28 AM
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I realize you are emotionally drained but you have taken a huge step forward! Hold your ground.
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:14 AM
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Dear girl, you cannot forfeit your life and the lives of your children waiting on him, to see what he will or will not do. Will he use? Is he hiding anything? What did he use? Will he go to rehab? What if he does? What if he doesn't?

That kind of anxiety will eat you alive and I think you have arrived at your "enough" point. Emotions waver greatly at times like this, you will feel the peace and relief of not having him using in your home. You will enjoy your children without wondering if they might find his drugs or see him use.

You can support yourself and your children. Please give them and yourself a life filled with love and peace and joy...yes, joy. When's the last time you felt real uplifting joy?

Perhaps you could sit down and make a plan for how you and your children will manage on your own, perhaps see a lawyer to find out your rights and what you can do to protect yourself and your children from his addiction or bad behaviour.

It will get better in time, it's a process, a painful process, to go through separation and divorce, but most times when a marriage is over it's like closing the door on an already empty room.

Hugs
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:18 AM
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Stay focused on your recovery and what you need to do for you and your girls to have the kind of life that is best for all of you and especially them.

Stay strong and don't doubt decision. Focus on your goal and never forget what your purpose is.

Know that no matter what he does or doesn't do as long as you do what you need to do in your recovery you will be okay.

I know it hurts, it down right sucks that things played out the way they did, but there is such relieve and strength that comes with taking back your life and living it the way you want. For a while doing that has only been a dream and now it can be your reality.

Hugs,
Passion
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Old 09-17-2013, 10:43 AM
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You are a strong woman! You are a good woman! and you are my hero! I want to say it for your children - you have given them the best gift of life - you have given them the freedom to not walk on eggshells with daddy addict. A lesson they will take with them for the rest of the their lives. And what is more, you have put the addict's problem firmly in the hands of the addict. Good for you. That was hard. I applaud you and give you hugs!
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Old 09-17-2013, 11:09 AM
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My question is, what in God's name am I going to tell the girls? (7 and 5.)
That you love them very, very much.

ZoSo
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Old 09-17-2013, 12:14 PM
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WEll said, ZoSo.

I've spoken to his sister, and most of my family, and my preacher. No one, not one person, has disagreed with my choice. All have been loving, supportive, and have promised to be there for me.

His sister is heartbroken, but understands why, and is trying to talk him into staying with his dad, instead of couchsurfing. She's welcome to try.

I do feel relieved. As I've talked things out with loved ones, I'm strengthened that I've done the right thing. I do worry, but I don't have that cloud hanging over me... or rather, over the couch, where he usually sits. I have freedom. I have peace. And I can choose to take care of ME instead of worrying about him.

I hope he makes the right choices in the coming weeks and months. Only time will tell, and his recovery is between him and God now.
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Old 09-17-2013, 03:15 PM
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You are very brave.
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Old 09-17-2013, 09:52 PM
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Tonight I held my 7 year old as we snuggled on the couch and she sobbed, missing her Papa.

I think I hated him in that moment. Hated him for making me tell her that he has broken her heart. For not having the balls to tell her himself. For being so stupid.

The anger has passed. I'm back to loving detachment.

But this is going to be a hard road, and I'm so afraid my children will be the casualties.

I'll die before I let them hurt anymore, though.
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Old 09-17-2013, 10:05 PM
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I have no children and recently cut off my addict boyfriend of 5 years so I'm in no place to give you advice.
The only thing I can say is that I am imagining how hard that conversation was with your daughter and I hope you never have to have it again.
Will be thinking about you.
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Old 09-17-2013, 10:13 PM
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I'm just thankful that the 5 year old is really too young to "get" it yet. She was also feeling under the weather, so I don't know if she really understands the implications. Unfortunately, this means she'll figure it out in a few days when Papa's still not there to tuck her in at night.
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Old 09-18-2013, 06:59 AM
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Originally Posted by DragynLady View Post
Tonight I held my 7 year old as we snuggled on the couch and she sobbed, missing her Papa.

I think I hated him in that moment. Hated him for making me tell her that he has broken her heart. For not having the balls to tell her himself. For being so stupid.

The anger has passed. I'm back to loving detachment.

But this is going to be a hard road, and I'm so afraid my children will be the casualties.

I'll die before I let them hurt anymore, though.
I don't know if "stupid" is the right word. Plenty of intelligent people are capable of making a stupid choice to try drugs, and before they know it, they're in way over their heads.

ZoSo
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Old 09-18-2013, 07:58 AM
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I have kicked my AH out of the house before. I was pregnant with my second child. My daughter was 4 years old. She missed him, but life went on. She eventually stopped crying about it. She saw him on no particular schedule and knew there was something wrong with him. Kids can tell when adults are not acting correctly. Especially when they have regular functioning adults in there life. This lasted for 8 months. Then he went to jail for 4 months (he had very little contact.. maybe two phone calls) He came home for about 3 weeks after jail and it was decided he went away to Oklahoma. He was able to talk to her on the phone everyday during this time. This lasted for about a year. He was absent the whole first year our son existed.
He has been gone a long time out of my kids life.. and you know what??? They adapted. They are ok. I brought my daughter to counseling and the counselor felt that she was a happy normal kid. She was more worried about her brother being a pain in the but than anything else!!
He did come home for a period for 2 years. He relapsed twice. We have tried to work through it with counseling and medication. It hasn't worked. He's in jail again and will be going to a 14 month faith based program. I hope it works for him. My kids miss him... but they are going to be okay. They are not in a toxic enviornment. They worry about school, friends, cartoon and begging me for more pets. The kids will be fine!! I promise. From someone who has been there. Good luck!
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Old 09-18-2013, 08:30 AM
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Thanks, KeepinItReal. That helps to hear how it works later on down the road. I think it would be a lot harder for them if I kept things the way they were, you know?
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Old 09-18-2013, 10:27 AM
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Human beings (from larval stage to maturity) are amazingly adaptable
creatures, besting rats by many orders of magnitude.

They will do fine. The one that will NOT do fine is the one who rolled
the grenade into this happy little tent. I believe in my heart that every last
one of them (the ones that don't expire prematurely) will come to regret in
the most profoundly ways possible.....having surrendered things of infinite
value, in exchange for things of zero value.

Gold for dross.

As for pets, the joy's of 5 dogs,2 lizards,1 rabbit,1 rat, too many guinea pigs to
count, fish, birds, gerbils, hamsters.......and all the attendant walks, poop patrol,
cage/tank cleaning, grooming, vet visits.....are things your S.O. gave up.

It's hard now to feel compassion. But try to find at least a little in your heart.
He is running & hiding from the awful truth. But no one can run forever. You have
lost much.

But he has lost everything. By his own hand.
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