BlueChair

I thought I would start a thread and see if there are others out there who have a husband or boyfriend in rehab? Maybe we could talk about some of what we are feeling. If so please just jump on and add in.

I have so many emotions going on. I have had trouble sleeping since he has been gone and Im admitting it here: Im sleeping with his shirt because it smells like him and makes me feel closer to him.

Im angry this happened, mostly Im angry he didnt come to me months ago and tell me what was going on before it got to this point.

Im scared the rehab wont give him what he needs, and he will come home and relapse, and worse try to hide it again.

I dont know how we get our lives back, because so much happened during his drug run. He smashed up trust, and Im almost certain he cheated & I havent even tackled my emotions on this. I dont know what will happen with his work, and the legal mess he made, and he went through a lot of savings money.

Sometimes I feel guilty when I feel happy, or do something fun with family or friends because I remember all the mess and his pain, and shouldnt I stay in it with him all the time until he is well? I know I shouldnt but I still feel guilty sometimes.

Im working with a counselor now who is helping me sort though my feelings, and is teaching me about addiction, but its hard. Im not used to being open with a stranger.

I have to have more blood test (and so does he) in a couple months to make sure there are no health issues. Sometimes I panic over this and think, what if?

There is more of course, but these are a few things I feel and think.

KeepinItReal

I feel abandoned. I feel that he chose drugs over me and his family. I have anger towards my AH for doing the things he did. I allow myself to remember good memories and times. I allow myself to smile and love what we had when things weren't out of control.
Right now i'm allowing myself to be angry. I allowing myself the time to mourn his poor choices and to prove to myself I can be a strong women and mother without his help. I know this will empower me as a person. I know that through pain we grow and become better.
I'm scared a lot of the time. This is an emotion I have problems dealing with. I'm scared of the unknown. The in-between. I'm anxious and worried about "what will be" when I know I need to just let life take its course. I need to stop planning tomorrow and just worry about dinner. I have to take each day as it is. I have to take the bad days with the good. I have to be ok to live with myself. Right now i'm struggling to stop thinking about the "what-ifs" and I have to stop worrying about HIM. I have to let GOD!

zoso77

What about getting your life back?

BlueChair

My life independent of him is ok, I have friends, family, a job I like, and Ive been going out to dinner, doing activities, and trying to live my life. But the part where he fits in is what is broken right now.

msjeckyll

mine is in rehab. just detox right now.... i've already been called to get him. he can't do it.

last night i cried myself to sleep...wearing his shirt, hugging his pillow.

today, i get faced with the reality that nothing has changed. and tomorrow, i'll get to watch him suffer because i can't afford to fix it. not financially, not emotionally..not at all.

i'm so scared. i'm so tired. and now, i get to drag myself back through the **** because i'm literally the ONLY person this guy has.

so. be proud of your spouse. take one day at a time, always. and...save YOU. do something to make YOU feel better.

Lily1918

I remember feeling that way when D left for 30 days and I only talked to him in letters. I remember when he was gone for 3 months in rehab. Now he will be in prison for at least a year, maybe many more. Times were much better then for us. Rehab is such a nice place to be. No enablers. Limited triggers. Time to only focus on you. Im in outpatient now and I think I will be for some time.
What pain is he in? Im confused? He has food, a bed, friends and mentors. He is ok.
Try to stay in today. One day at a time.

zoso77

You have to fill that hole with things that don't include him, or anyone else. Doesn't mean you stop caring or loving him. It simply means you can live your life and be content regardless of whether he's using or not.

Do your best to stay well.

ZoSo

blindsided08

it's my boyfriend in rehab. and oyy.. my emotions, this list could go on forever. but for starters, I'm angry. angry that he gets to sort through all his emotions, and get away from the real world to deal with things..while I have to carry on with daily life and try and deal with things. angry we got here in the first place, and that were going through all of this at all. I'm also so sad, I'm missing him terribly, even though it was constant worry while he was home, at least I got to see and talk to him. and then there is the fear, the fear that he will leave rehab, the fear that this won't work for him, the fear that after all is said and done..we still won't make it as a couple. the fear that well drift apart and become two people who no longer want to be with together. it's all terrifying..and like others have said..I need to let go of the future and live in the now..=\

DragynLady

I'm going to respond because while I'm not there, I will be; we're waiting on a bed in a long-term care facility.

outtolunch

Rehabs do not cure addiction. Very best case is that it is an opportunity to learn about the tools of recovery. It's entirely up to him to use those tools, or not. The whole deal is completely out of your hands. The only thing any of us have control over is our own reactions. For me, that's a full time job. How about you?

BlueChair

More feelings after our therapy session together last night:

I feel like our marriage, our relationship is held together on so many levels by these delicate ribbons. There have never been chains, or ropes tying us together even after we got married. Its all because of these mutual feelings. Now I feel like some of the ribbons are tattered, or broken but from where Im standing I cant see them, because Im too far back. I know I will walk closer and will be able to tell in time how strong the ribbons still hold, but walking that road of the unknown is frightening.

BlueChair

Not so much feelings but goings on:

I had my meltdown a while back and took all of his clothes in his closet off the hangers, out of the drawers, dumped all the boxes, searched it all and threw it on the closet floor. This was after the relapse and I found out he had drugs in there. It was out of anger I did that. I closed the door and left things there because I couldn't deal with picking them all back up. And then a few days ago I went in there, and i must have left the door ajar, and our pets found their way inside and they took over the pile of his clothes. All his suits for work, and his casual clothes. I have been washing things up and putting them away, and last night I got back the rest of the dry cleaning. Put his whole closet back together, and felt so guilty for messing it all up, and now not knowing exactly where it all is supposed to go. It was a little healing in an odd way cleaning and organizing like that. I feel like I have this need now to make things at home "perfect" and its not for him, for some reason it feels like something I need for me. Must be something psychological to feel safe or like life is in order maybe?

Lily1918

I can relate Blue. I am packing up all of Ds things to be put in storage for him. He asked if I would donate his clothes to the Salvation Army, but everything else it still there. When he was in rehab last winter I coered his piano and started to play violin instead. I also began to do a lot of charity work. It kind of helped me to learn to help people the right way.
I miss D. I wish he could come home but he cant.
I am so glad to be in rehab 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. I work full time also.
The only answer I see is just to stay busy.

someoneswife

I am feeling anxious. My husband comes home from his 90 day rehab next week. Sometimes I wish he could stay there and I could live at home with our daughter and things could keep going like they are. I know that sounds strange. While he's in rehab he's happy and he has found himself again. He is the loving man I knew before. Our marriage is on the up which is amazing because we were separated before he went in. He has little to no temptation there and no access to drugs. He has accountability there. He has counselors and therapists at his disposal whenever he needs them. When he comes home that all goes away. He will have me. And obviously I can't keep him from using. So it's scary for him to becoming home. For him to face real life when for 3 years he used to cope with real life. So I'm excited, scared and having to use step one over and over on a minute by minute basis.

Lily1918

Is there anyway he can go to a sober house for a short amount of time before coming home? I told D that he needs to go to the Salvation Army and then a sober house before he can come home.
It is just so much easier that way for me.

someoneswife

He was inpatient for 30 and had been in a sober living house doing intensive outpatient for the past 60. He works in the medical field so he will be under contract with the state for the next three years so he can keep his license. Mandatory drug tests, mandatory 3 meetings a week and checking in with his case manager daily. I'm scared of the change. Even though things were awful before, I was used to that. My codependency was thriving. I had "control" I had people to take care of. It won't be like that now. We have to find a new way to be married.

BlueChair

((Lily)) Why does he want his clothes all sent away? I thought he was going to be gone for year, but wont he still need clothes when he comes back? I hurt when I think about how hard it must be for you. I know you are working on taking care of yourself and doing outpatient, and this cant help, all the pain. I hope its ok if I ask, I tried to look at some of your old posts, but what did he get sentenced for ? Was it drug charges alone, or some type of crime?

((Someoneswife)) Thanks for joining in here. You are further along than we are because my husband is not supposed to get out of rehab until right before Halloween, but it may be longer depending on how he is doing. His parents said he will need more because he has had many problems like PAWS while there, but they dont get to decide, he does, we do. Im already nervous about it. I know I cant stop him from using again, but its more like I know he is safe there and i worry like you about what will happen when he goes back to his work and stress of his life. Its nice knowing he is safe, even though I miss him.

What do you mean when you said you were used to having him to take care of, to control things before? what did you do to try to control him, Im guessing you mean trying to control his not using drugs before rehab?

someoneswife

I was not aware of his drug use before he entered rehab. All I knew was that he had changed in a big way. He was sleeping all the time, mean and completely detached. I was taking care of all the household stuff and taking care of my daughter by myself. I was obviously in denial about the signs I saw. So for the past three years I've been in charge of everything and now I won't be. I thought he was depressed and I did everything I could to try and make things easier for him. I'm losing that control. And as much as I want to I can't control his recovery. His recovery is not my decision or anyone else's. He has to do it himself and that's hard. Especially since I told him this is it for me. If he relapses I'm leaving and my family will be broken.

Lily1918

Because he wants to give back to the SA that has helped us so much. He is being sent for possession. 2-6 years. Sentencing is in October. He doesnt want his clothes. Doesnt need them. Getting out and coming home isnt even on the radar at all. The SA will give him clothes, and buying new ones will give him something positive send his money on instead of drugs. I don't really have a lot of pain about him leaving I mean I did the first couple of times but right now I feel like I've already been there done that.

Lily1918

My pain is that he is going to protect me, so I dont have to.