jdooner

So I read the first 120 pages of the Big Book on the plane last night. There were moments when I could not put it down. The enlightenment I felt was speaking to me and I was ripping through the pages. Then comes Bill's story and I could not relate. Not even a little...I just don't see myself as the same or similar person.

If I am being totally honest with myself and SR then I think I am more of an addict than an alcoholic. The taste of alcohol was never so insatiable that I would compromise everything. I cannot say the same for coke. Ironically I have only done coke a dozen or so times. Yet it was the alcohol that lowered my inhibitions and would start my brain turning as to how to get the coke and that it would be a good idea. This was a change over the past two years - perhaps a progression.

There were times when I would lack coke or Adderall or Ritalin or Ex and would drink too much to try and get the same buzz as with the drugs or to numb me out but I don't think it was ever about the alcohol (my interpretation).

BTW - I am fine (day 21) and committed to sobriety so this is not my AV trying to justify a relapse, I am simply trying to figure me out and my issues. Can anyone else relate? Curious?

flutter

I don't know, it's hard to try to dissect some of these issues and put them in to labeled boxes. My primary addiction was to alcohol, but I was also at one point addicted to coke, pills, really anything to zap me out of reality and numb my brain for a while or at least alter it significantly and often. That was the issue, the "why?" was I doing it, not necessarily "what" I was using.

Well done on the sober time!

ImperfectlyMe

I think it can all be samantics alcoholic/addict/abuser. The title doesn't really matter. When I got clean my dad talked to me and said, "are you an alcoholic? Does it really matter? Are you drinking to fill a void or cover up pain?" To the later I said I sure am! So his advise was well then if you are or you aren't you best not drink again.

I've never read the big book but I'm glad you found it moving. Btw I too don't resemble the architype of a typical alcoholic if there is such a thing. Your doing great enjoy Germany! ( I think that's where you traveled)

jdooner

For me the why is a combination of a self esteem issue, which I am not sure why, as most who know me would suggest I am the opposite due to my bravado - but this might be a self defense mechanism. Secondly, I believe the prospect of getting older has a lot to do with my issues - not wanting to grow up and using drugs and alcohol as an excuse to be reckless.

jdooner

IPM - Yup in Germany now - had a weinerschnitzel for lunch. Head to Asia later this week.

Flutter - thanks.

Trying to figure out the why - guess I am also still struggling with step #1 too - thought I had that box checked but if I am trying to figure out the why then I have not resolved to letting myself go and allow for spiritual awakening. I would be a psychiatrists dream I think - billable hours abound.

nomis

Hey J,

Congrats on 21 days! We don't give medical advice here, but coke, Adderall and Ritalin? Sounds an awful lot like you're self-medicating for ADHD. Have you ever been tested for that?

jdooner

Never been tested for ADHD - have all the symptoms though. Not sure I would want a prescription - my brother has ADHD - I am guessing I would abuse the drug.

doggonecarl

Then keep it simple: you like to get high and in the course of chasing that high, you got addicted. The path to recovery is the same whether your issues are complex or simple.

Spare yourself a lot of tail chasing as to why.

Threshold

I was reading the Big Book yesterday and felt exactly the same way. Alcohol was among the substances I abused, and I am an alcoholic, but in no way shape or form like Bill W and the folks who's stories make up the first section of shares.

I am primarily an addict and found NA a better fit for me, because it deals with the disease of addiction with no reference to substance at all.

I have no problems with AA, but it's focus is alcohol, and understandably at many meetings use of the work addict or talk about any other substances is frowned upon or disallowed. Therefore I felt more comfortable and appropriately placed in NA meetings.

I've had many people tell me that it's all the same...but just as many alcoholics tell me they were uncomfortable in NA and felt some of their issues as alcoholics were different, and a number of people who attended both programs because they had issues in both alcoholism and other drug use.

ScottFromWI

I find that there are many theories on addiction and recovery that i don't agree with. Having said that, disputing them or arguing the merits of one vs. another really doesn't help me in any way. Whether i'm an Alcoholic or an Addict who is Addicted to alcohol really doesn't matter in the least. Even if I were to find some magical answer to why I am the way I am, it still wouldn't change the fact that I need to plan and live my life alcohol free.

Bottom line for me, don't over think things that I cannot change anyway.

jdooner

Thank you for the feedback everyone. If I am being truly honest with myself, my guess is deep down I am hoping I am not an alcoholic so at some point in my life I can drink again. While I think its subconscious in nature, I believe this is my real motivation in asking. The dream of having a glass of wine at dinner again is what I thought of when I could not relate to the shares.

ImperfectlyMe

It's still so early I totally get those thoughts!!!! I suffered sobriety for a while thinking about that very glass of wine you speak of. When u got honest with yourself, and this is just me, I'd NEVER have "A" glass of wine. It wasn't until I excepted it kicking all the way that I couldn't drink again that I felt at peace with sobriety and my life in general. But that is just me and you have to find your way.

doggonecarl

I drank and drugged heavily in my 20s. Got hooked on meth, smoked pot all day, every day. I quit illegal drugs after 10 years, but kept drinking because alcohol wasn't my problem.

Wrong. Twenty five years after I quit drugs, I'm here for alcohol. But my REAL problem is I couldn't never figure out living clean and sober.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking you could one day drink. That dream could turn into a nightmare.

ScottFromWI

I would be willing to bet just about every person here on SR had those thoughts at one point in our struggles, probably multiple times - I know I did. Each time that usually led to a failed moderation attempt which always turned back into full blown daily excessive drinking for me.

I hoped I wasn't an alcohlic/addict, but I am. And only after I fully accepted that did I start to get better.

TexasMichael

There are many ways to be addict.

There is only one way to be sober.

Eleni58

I occasionally smoked pot when I was drinking. I was never hooked on it but just because I was never hooked on it doesn't mean I should be able to continue smoking pot because I quit drinking. In my opinion, going sober means NOT putting ANY mind altering substances into my system.