I just joined here, feeling lonely and hopeless.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: In my library
Posts: 83
I just joined here, feeling lonely and hopeless.
Hello everyone.
I just joined Sober Recovery today. I've been feeling very lonely and hopeless and I just wanted to find a place where I could talk to others who understand.
It's difficult for me to make it to an Al-anon meeting because I live out in the country, and besides I have small children at home. I have been participating in an Al-anon online group, and it's okay, but to be honest I feel a bit weird about all the rules, slogans, etc. Something about it all seems canned and forced to me. I have gotten some good info from the Al-anon literature I found at the library, though.
Basically, my story is this: I have been married for 13 years and have 4 children. My husband's mother was a very severe alcoholic who could never hold down a job and was in and out of the hospital all the time. She killed herself shortly after turning 50. He told me when we were dating that he would never drink because he would never want to end up like his mom.
Well, guess what happened? A few years after we were married we were going through a difficult time of unemployment, and instead of talking to me about his stress and feelings he decided to start drinking instead. Brilliant. Within a few months of his starting drinking I started finding vodka bottles hidden all over the place. But I believed his lies when he told me he had everything under control, that he wouldn't do that again, etc. 10 years later, I am finally waking up to realize the severity of his alcoholism. Even though we just bought our first home last year, and our dreams of living in the country have come true, instead of participating in our family life and working on this old house he wanted to fix up, he spends every single night down in the basement getting drunk. Really drunk.
He hasn't slept in our bed for about a year now. I was starting to comment on the stench of whiskey coming off him, I guess he wanted to avoid that. He has a little air mattress in the basement. I am so lonely I could die. Being a far drive from the city and gas expensive, it is hard for me to see my parents or sisters very much. I don't have any friends. And apparently I don't have a husband either. He avoids me as much as possible. As soon as he comes home from work he goes straight downstairs to smoke a joint or two. As soon as supper is over he starts in on the booze and drinks for about 5 hours until he passes out.
The weekends aren't much better because he is always so hung over on Saturdays and Sundays that I can't talk to him or spend time with him anyway. The family farm he wanted is crumbling around him, his family doesn't know him any more, but yet he devotes all his time and energy to getting drunk and high. When he does interact with us, it is virtually always in anger. He can be extremely verbally abusive at times and has says so many vicious things to me I've almost become numb.
Need I say our finances are in trouble?
I am a stay at home mom and although I love my kids more than anything, I now regret my decision because I am stuck here in this nightmare. I have absolutely no money and no way to support myself. I don't know what to do, I only know that I can't take this any more. I have tried calmly talking about his drinking and drugs with him many times, he only gets angry and says I'm trying to control him, a good wife would accept him the way he is, etc. He always tries to turn everything back on me and make me feel that I am a dreadfully evil and cruel person. I am so tired of this.
I don't think he is ever going to seek recovery because he acts like he thinks he's God. Everything he does is perfect; everything I do is wrong. Why would he ever want to change?
I just joined Sober Recovery today. I've been feeling very lonely and hopeless and I just wanted to find a place where I could talk to others who understand.
It's difficult for me to make it to an Al-anon meeting because I live out in the country, and besides I have small children at home. I have been participating in an Al-anon online group, and it's okay, but to be honest I feel a bit weird about all the rules, slogans, etc. Something about it all seems canned and forced to me. I have gotten some good info from the Al-anon literature I found at the library, though.
Basically, my story is this: I have been married for 13 years and have 4 children. My husband's mother was a very severe alcoholic who could never hold down a job and was in and out of the hospital all the time. She killed herself shortly after turning 50. He told me when we were dating that he would never drink because he would never want to end up like his mom.
Well, guess what happened? A few years after we were married we were going through a difficult time of unemployment, and instead of talking to me about his stress and feelings he decided to start drinking instead. Brilliant. Within a few months of his starting drinking I started finding vodka bottles hidden all over the place. But I believed his lies when he told me he had everything under control, that he wouldn't do that again, etc. 10 years later, I am finally waking up to realize the severity of his alcoholism. Even though we just bought our first home last year, and our dreams of living in the country have come true, instead of participating in our family life and working on this old house he wanted to fix up, he spends every single night down in the basement getting drunk. Really drunk.
He hasn't slept in our bed for about a year now. I was starting to comment on the stench of whiskey coming off him, I guess he wanted to avoid that. He has a little air mattress in the basement. I am so lonely I could die. Being a far drive from the city and gas expensive, it is hard for me to see my parents or sisters very much. I don't have any friends. And apparently I don't have a husband either. He avoids me as much as possible. As soon as he comes home from work he goes straight downstairs to smoke a joint or two. As soon as supper is over he starts in on the booze and drinks for about 5 hours until he passes out.
The weekends aren't much better because he is always so hung over on Saturdays and Sundays that I can't talk to him or spend time with him anyway. The family farm he wanted is crumbling around him, his family doesn't know him any more, but yet he devotes all his time and energy to getting drunk and high. When he does interact with us, it is virtually always in anger. He can be extremely verbally abusive at times and has says so many vicious things to me I've almost become numb.
Need I say our finances are in trouble?
I am a stay at home mom and although I love my kids more than anything, I now regret my decision because I am stuck here in this nightmare. I have absolutely no money and no way to support myself. I don't know what to do, I only know that I can't take this any more. I have tried calmly talking about his drinking and drugs with him many times, he only gets angry and says I'm trying to control him, a good wife would accept him the way he is, etc. He always tries to turn everything back on me and make me feel that I am a dreadfully evil and cruel person. I am so tired of this.
I don't think he is ever going to seek recovery because he acts like he thinks he's God. Everything he does is perfect; everything I do is wrong. Why would he ever want to change?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
Booknerd,
I'm sorry to hear your story today, but I'm glad you found this forum. You'll find so much help here, just as I have. I know others here have much more experience with alcoholism and marriage than I do, and they will be along soon with words of advice. You sound like a strong woman, and the fact that you recognize this as a problem that is not because of you means the world.
I'm sorry to hear your story today, but I'm glad you found this forum. You'll find so much help here, just as I have. I know others here have much more experience with alcoholism and marriage than I do, and they will be along soon with words of advice. You sound like a strong woman, and the fact that you recognize this as a problem that is not because of you means the world.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Welcome, BookNerd. Glad you found SR. There's a lot of experience and wisdom being shared in this community; I hope you find help here.
You might want to read this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html to see if any of it is useful for you. There are a lot of threads up at the top of the page in this section of the forum ("stickies") that might be good for you if you can take some time to check them out.
Altho your Alanon experiences online have not been great, I'd still urge you to give them another shot. You may find that a face-to-face meeting feels a lot different to you--I did 2 Alanon email meetings for a short time and was really turned off by both, while I've found a LOT of help in face-to-face Alanon combined with SR. Regarding your child care concerns, many meetings offer child care, so don't let that put you off going to an in-person meeting. Especially as you ARE isolated, out in the country, it might be very important for you to have some real-life support from real-life people in addition to SR.
There are many here who are or have been in your shoes, and I'm sure you'll hear from them. As you read thru the forum, I suspect you'll recognize yourself or your A in many posts. Hopefully things will start to look clearer to you as time goes on and you'll be able to start formulating a plan to help yourself and your kids. You are not alone in this, and you'll find your way eventually. Keep reading, keep posting, and please give face-to-face Alanon a shot just to see if it feels different to you than the online version.
Again, welcome!
You might want to read this thread http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html to see if any of it is useful for you. There are a lot of threads up at the top of the page in this section of the forum ("stickies") that might be good for you if you can take some time to check them out.
Altho your Alanon experiences online have not been great, I'd still urge you to give them another shot. You may find that a face-to-face meeting feels a lot different to you--I did 2 Alanon email meetings for a short time and was really turned off by both, while I've found a LOT of help in face-to-face Alanon combined with SR. Regarding your child care concerns, many meetings offer child care, so don't let that put you off going to an in-person meeting. Especially as you ARE isolated, out in the country, it might be very important for you to have some real-life support from real-life people in addition to SR.
There are many here who are or have been in your shoes, and I'm sure you'll hear from them. As you read thru the forum, I suspect you'll recognize yourself or your A in many posts. Hopefully things will start to look clearer to you as time goes on and you'll be able to start formulating a plan to help yourself and your kids. You are not alone in this, and you'll find your way eventually. Keep reading, keep posting, and please give face-to-face Alanon a shot just to see if it feels different to you than the online version.
Again, welcome!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
Hi Book Nerd and welcome! I am sorry for your situation. You sound lovely and very intelligent and I am sure that the lack of adult interaction must be stifling. One of the best parts of SR is that people are here 24/7.
You are not alone. It probably feels hopeless right now, but connecting with others who have been in your shoes (and yes, you will find in these threads that there are many with similar stories) you will hear inspiration, encouragement, support and ideas on how to reempower yourself.
Hang in there, I am glad you are here!
You are not alone. It probably feels hopeless right now, but connecting with others who have been in your shoes (and yes, you will find in these threads that there are many with similar stories) you will hear inspiration, encouragement, support and ideas on how to reempower yourself.
Hang in there, I am glad you are here!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can really relate to your story. I feel like its taken me way too long to wake up to the reality of my situation. It's sounds like you already know you didn't cause his drinking. The other parts: you can't control it (neither can he) and you can't cure it.
My husband also has the family history, hidden vodka, he checked out of our marriage years ago. We have 2 young children. I had to decide what my boundaries were and stick to them.There was a little word I became all too familiar with....yet. As in he hasn't cheated....yet. He hasn't been physically abusive....yet.
I had to pack up and leave my dream home very suddenly. There are lots of resources out there. Domestic violence shelters with job training, displaced homemakers programs through YWCA. Because I'm living with family we are considered homeless. I've also learned the meaning of humble. There is assistance for food, clothing, childcare, even some free pre- k programs in some areas. Might be worth checking our your local social services.
Good luck.
My husband also has the family history, hidden vodka, he checked out of our marriage years ago. We have 2 young children. I had to decide what my boundaries were and stick to them.There was a little word I became all too familiar with....yet. As in he hasn't cheated....yet. He hasn't been physically abusive....yet.
I had to pack up and leave my dream home very suddenly. There are lots of resources out there. Domestic violence shelters with job training, displaced homemakers programs through YWCA. Because I'm living with family we are considered homeless. I've also learned the meaning of humble. There is assistance for food, clothing, childcare, even some free pre- k programs in some areas. Might be worth checking our your local social services.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
I'm so glad you found us. This forum is a great place for support & finding direction for whatever decision you make. The best thing for me is finding out that I'm not alone & finding a place where I don't have to cover for his addiction. I've got a similar story as well, 10 years married, stay at home mom, 2 young kids, trying to renovate a house, & husband is in the basement all night. My husband has started so many projects renovating our house that are left unfinished. My house is a complete disaster now. I don't have one room that doesn't have an unfinished project in it. My husband is also in complete denial of his drinking & shows no signs of stopping. At the moment I'm working out the logistics of my exit plan. I'm not sure if I'm going to use it or not, but there might come a time when I need it and I won't have time to plan then.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I am a stay at home mom and although I love my kids more than anything, I now regret my decision because I am stuck here in this nightmare. I have absolutely no money and no way to support myself. I don't know what to do, I only know that I can't take this any more. I have tried calmly talking about his drinking and drugs with him many times, he only gets angry and says I'm trying to control him, a good wife would accept him the way he is, etc. He always tries to turn everything back on me and make me feel that I am a dreadfully evil and cruel person. I am so tired of this.
Consider taking some of these steps to get yourself to higher ground. Make some phone calls. What will it take to get you certified in a field that pays enough for you to live on?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: In my library
Posts: 83
Wow, guys. Thanks so much for the responses! You're all awesome. 
Yes, this is just like my situation. I'm sorry you are going through it too. We bought a 100 year old farmhouse last year which needed a lot of work. My husband insisted he wanted the challenge of fixing it up. Well, all he did was rip stuff apart and not finish anything. He literally ripped out the wall separating the living room and kitchen and left the skeleton of the wall and hasn't done anything with it yet. He painted half the basement floor and left the other half. He put up the drywall to make an extra wall in the basement but didn't finish the wall. He ripped out the new carpets but didn't refinish the floors beneath...I could go on. We moved into a house which needed some work but was decent, now we live in a house which is incredibly embarrassing. Our teenage daughter is humiliated by our house and refuses to have a friend over, which I understand completely. I don't want to let anyone witness this train wreck either. We don't even have furniture, beyond a few disgusting second hand scraps, because once the bills are paid all of the rest of our money goes to booze and drugs.
It sucks, because if we separate, now way could we sell this place now for what we bought it for. He's ruined it. He keeps talking about all the things he's going to do this winter, how he's going to build new cabinets for the kitchen, lay new flooring, etc., and I just have to laugh. No he won't, he'll spend the entire winter getting drunk and watching tv, just like he did last year.
Yes, I think I should consider this. My mind is muddled though. All my adult life, I had dedicated myself to being the best wife, mother, and homemaker I could be. Honestly, I don't even know where to begin in finding a career. I feel lost. The only thing for sure is that I am not going to allow this insanity to continue much longer. My kids and I deserve better than this.
Originally Posted by GoingAlone2 
I'm so glad you found us. This forum is a great place for support & finding direction for whatever decision you make. The best thing for me is finding out that I'm not alone & finding a place where I don't have to cover for his addiction. I've got a similar story as well, 10 years married, stay at home mom, 2 young kids, trying to renovate a house, & husband is in the basement all night. My husband has started so many projects renovating our house that are left unfinished. My house is a complete disaster now. I don't have one room that doesn't have an unfinished project in it. My husband is also in complete denial of his drinking & shows no signs of stopping. At the moment I'm working out the logistics of my exit plan. I'm not sure if I'm going to use it or not, but there might come a time when I need it and I won't have time to plan then.
It sucks, because if we separate, now way could we sell this place now for what we bought it for. He's ruined it. He keeps talking about all the things he's going to do this winter, how he's going to build new cabinets for the kitchen, lay new flooring, etc., and I just have to laugh. No he won't, he'll spend the entire winter getting drunk and watching tv, just like he did last year.
Originally Posted by Florence
I went through college as a single parent by living off of student loans. I have high debt, but I have the skills necessary so that I will never have to depend on a partner to live.
Consider taking some of these steps to get yourself to higher ground. Make some phone calls. What will it take to get you certified in a field that pays enough for you to live on?
Consider taking some of these steps to get yourself to higher ground. Make some phone calls. What will it take to get you certified in a field that pays enough for you to live on?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
[QUOTE=BookNerd;4183709]All my adult life, I had dedicated myself to being the best wife, mother, and homemaker I could be. Honestly, I don't even know where to begin in finding a career. I feel lost. The only thing for sure is that I am not going to allow this insanity to continue much longer. My kids and I deserve better than this.[QUOTE]
Yes, you surely DO deserve better than this!
I have read that, many times when a stay-at-home mom needs to return to the workforce, she thinks she has "no skills." Hmm, maybe not in the usual sense, but as others have said, there are places that specialize in helping folks in that situation find work (Catherine gave some examples). As a mom/homemaker, you DO have experience w/budgeting $, prioritizing work, planning/organizing, and SURELY you have good interpersonal skills! Some of that has to translate into some kind of a job--and while a starter job won't likely allow you to be totally self-supporting w/your kids, maybe that income plus whatever assistance is available WILL be enough? Seems like you would do best to not plan on receiving any help from your AH, from what you describe....
If you moved to a farm, hoping to fix it up, I have to imagine you are a resourceful and determined person, used to doing a lot w/a little. That's probably going to stand you in good stead here!
Yes, you surely DO deserve better than this!
I have read that, many times when a stay-at-home mom needs to return to the workforce, she thinks she has "no skills." Hmm, maybe not in the usual sense, but as others have said, there are places that specialize in helping folks in that situation find work (Catherine gave some examples). As a mom/homemaker, you DO have experience w/budgeting $, prioritizing work, planning/organizing, and SURELY you have good interpersonal skills! Some of that has to translate into some kind of a job--and while a starter job won't likely allow you to be totally self-supporting w/your kids, maybe that income plus whatever assistance is available WILL be enough? Seems like you would do best to not plan on receiving any help from your AH, from what you describe....
If you moved to a farm, hoping to fix it up, I have to imagine you are a resourceful and determined person, used to doing a lot w/a little. That's probably going to stand you in good stead here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: In my library
Posts: 83
Hmm, well I have homeschooled my children, and I used to work at a bookstore, so I have a great deal of knowledge about books and especially children's books. Perhaps I could work in a library or something...I think I would definitely have to go back to school in order to get a job that would really support us, though. There are 5 of us without my husband. It's something to think about, for certain.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by BookNerd
Hmm, well I have homeschooled my children, and I used to work at a bookstore, so I have a great deal of knowledge about books and especially children's books. Perhaps I could work in a library or something...I think I would definitely have to go back to school in order to get a job that would really support us, though. There are 5 of us without my husband. It's something to think about, for certain.
I'm a librarian, so if you're interested in getting into the field I'd love to talk to you about it. For a professional librarian job, you do need a master's degree in the field. But I do know that other library jobs/some smaller, rural libraries don't require that. Feel free to private message me if you'd like.
I say, go for your passion 😊
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I am older than you are, but related to several things--AH and I had bought a house in the country and I had three kids there (and had a fourth after I moved). I also felt very alone--and I often felt trapped because our cars were real beaters because we couldn't afford anything else. So a car would break down and I'd have to depend on neighbors because we was not in any condition to do anything.
Also, we had lots of dreams for our house, but when we finally left (because of foreclosure), nothing had been done. It was considered a fixer-upper at that point. It was embarrassing even to leave it.
Leaving the house, even though it was involuntary and I was crushed at first, was the best thing that happened. So even though you cannot see around the corner now, please don't despair. I think it's a great idea to put the wheels in motion for finding self-sufficiency.
Please come back here often. You will find you really are NOT alone!
Best wishes to you and your family...
Also, we had lots of dreams for our house, but when we finally left (because of foreclosure), nothing had been done. It was considered a fixer-upper at that point. It was embarrassing even to leave it.
Leaving the house, even though it was involuntary and I was crushed at first, was the best thing that happened. So even though you cannot see around the corner now, please don't despair. I think it's a great idea to put the wheels in motion for finding self-sufficiency.
Please come back here often. You will find you really are NOT alone!
Best wishes to you and your family...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
Welcome to this site! I was where you are a couple of months ago and your situation was virtually identical to mine. This site and the wonderful people on here have really helped me through the worst time of my entire life.
I didn't think I could find the strength to find my feet and sort myself and my young children out but we are surviving! We don't have much in the way of material possessions but what we do have is something far more important...a renewed happiness in each other! My children and I may not have much but we have laughter again and happiness again and there is no price on that!
There is no more treading on egg shells, no more Jekyll and Hyde, no more wondering what mood he would be in. and how I could cope with yet another emotional hit (he was never physically abusive). Think this is called freedom and it certainly feels like we are in recovery. It has taken an awful lot of courage and we are still on a journey there are ups and downs but I am getting stronger and me and my children are free from the crap!
Sending lots of hugs of strength for you and your children you can do this!x
I didn't think I could find the strength to find my feet and sort myself and my young children out but we are surviving! We don't have much in the way of material possessions but what we do have is something far more important...a renewed happiness in each other! My children and I may not have much but we have laughter again and happiness again and there is no price on that!
There is no more treading on egg shells, no more Jekyll and Hyde, no more wondering what mood he would be in. and how I could cope with yet another emotional hit (he was never physically abusive). Think this is called freedom and it certainly feels like we are in recovery. It has taken an awful lot of courage and we are still on a journey there are ups and downs but I am getting stronger and me and my children are free from the crap!
Sending lots of hugs of strength for you and your children you can do this!x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I'm a fellow book nerd and got my degree in English Education, then turned around and got a corporate job doing customer service between large corporations. The subject degree, especially in undergrad humanities, isn't as important as getting one completed. My sister was a stay at home mom for 15+ years, and when her marriage got rocky she enrolled in nursing school. She got a 4 year degree and works in a really interesting job for a Big Ten university hospital and gets to make her own hours and maks money hand over fist. Another single mom friend of mine got a 2 year nursing degree and started working in emergency rooms and agreed to work the weird hours for overtime and holidays, and she easily makes TWICE what I do and is in extremely high demand. Sometimes I fantasize about going back to school for my masters in library science, but it will have to wait for the little one to get into school. There are a LOT of accredited programs out there for non-traditional students. Avoid the online programs unless you can verify national and international certification for these colleges.
I'm about two years out from my personal bottom and in the middle of my divorce now. My eight year wedding anniversary is tomorrow -- I just realized that -- and we are still basically no contact except for determining the financial and property split. This place is great. Hang out, chat, share and vent. You will encounter a LOT of wisdom and grace here. It helped me save my own life.
I'm about two years out from my personal bottom and in the middle of my divorce now. My eight year wedding anniversary is tomorrow -- I just realized that -- and we are still basically no contact except for determining the financial and property split. This place is great. Hang out, chat, share and vent. You will encounter a LOT of wisdom and grace here. It helped me save my own life.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Is there a school nearby where you could be a teacher's assistant or even a substitute teacher? Or a preschool needing aides? I'm just throwing things out there that might at least be a foot in the door to something better. I'm on the 20 year plan for a degree myself, so I know how frustrating it can be. I can run my hotel with my eyes closed, but because I don't have a degree in hotel management, I will never advance beyond the Front Desk Supervisor. It stinks.
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