hailey29

When me or my husband talk I always ask a lot of "why" questions or he his super vague and I try to get him to elaborate or he says something that doesn't make sense and I will says something like "so your saying you feel like " just becuase I have no idea what he means at times. So he wants me to leave him more alone and not ask questions all the time.

I am a fixer and find this hard and I am jeouls he tells people at AA before the meetign and during all about his thoughts and feelins and can't even get him to talk nice to me.

I just want him to ask how my day was or if I am having a bad day tell me he is sorry that I am having a bad day or he hopes it gets better. He usually says nothing. He doesn't show me any affection at all. This makes me badgar him more.

I can't seem to stop texting him or asking whats wrong or how is day is etc. Why is it so hard?

Also am I asking him to much to ask me how I am or reply back when i tell him I am bummbed? He says he hates being around me. I wish I could not care so much. Also am I being selfish wanting these small little things from him?

jaynie04

There is a good book called "Dance of Intimacy" that describes the pattern it sounds like you might be in. One person is the pursuer and one is the distancer.

I would also suggest Co-Dependent no more.

You are dealing with an addict. The more you chase him the more power you are giving away. You cannot cure him....he has to want it, a lot, because it isn't easy. The one thing you do have is the ability to take care of yourself, and most importantly your children.

hailey29

Thanks for the suggestions!

I get jelous when he comes home from AA in a great mood. I wish I could put him in that mood but as he is home even if i don't question him he start getting angry again. Tonight he is going out for the first time with a group from AA afterwards and I am so afraid of a women being there and him flirtign and connecting with him. I already found him sexting other women and he started forming a friendship with a newly sober girl from AA who knew he was married with kids and she was calling him and also asking him to hang out at 9pm and calling him babe.

So I have this pit in my stomach and tightness in my chest worrying he is forming these awesome relationships with other people from AA but WONT WORK ON OURS and I worry he will form a relationship with another women. He says he does not have time to try to work on ours becuase he needs to get himself right but he sure has time to hand out with other AA people. Am I crazy?

Springs

Hi - have you tried Al Anon? I struggle with wanting to hear about my husband's recovery and Al Anon provides me with a world of help in calming down about everything and learning to focus on myself (though it is hard!).

hailey29

I am going to go to my cousuler twice this week and for the next few weeks. Also I plan to go to a different alnon meeting wednesday to see if I have more luck. I am also going to seek out new friendships since I have literally not one friend.

nbay2013

Hi Hailey;

I can imagine how scary that must feel; to feel him pulling away. I really encourage Al-Anon as you will eventually get involved in service and have your own community. Then your focus is less on him and his recovery. Even without addiction issues, it's easy to become over enmeshed as a couple.

Sueski

Hailey, have you ever tried to hold on to a handful of water? The tighter your grip, the less you can hold. Relax your grip, cup your hand, and you've got it. It's the same thing, in some respects. The more you chase, the harder he is going to resist.

It's hard as ****, I know. But for your own sanity, when you start to feel that spinning awful feeling you have to find a way to let it go. Take a long slow breath. Say a quick prayer, repeat a mantra, go for a walk, dance alone in the living room, whatever you have to do. You cannot control him. You can't. But you absolutely can take care of yourself. We're with you.

Lyssy

For me asking or trying to figure out "why" (with regards to my a) equates to banging my head against a brick wall. I never get an answer and only end up hurting myself. Try turning it around and figure out why it bothers YOU.

Hope4happiness

Hailey29, Your story sounds just like mine did with my XABF. We broke up 3 weeks ago, and while hard, I feel SO relieved to not have to try to decipher what he is saying, doing, thinking, feeling, etc. I couldn't stop myself from badgering him, and ultimately, he said that my low self esteem and "issues" were jeopardizing his sobriety so he packed up and left. Now I know that my "issues" were my gut screaming that something wasn't right. Listen to your gut, it is your friend. I had/have really low self esteem because of not feeling like a priority to my X. I wish I had learned to detach and not take it all so personally years ago when I first found out he was an alcoholic. Its easier to detach if you understand that he is acting like this because of his disease, its not you. Lots of hugs! I am sure it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are a strong, compassionate person who deserves the best life has to offer.

NWGRITS

Another suggestion for Al-Anon. While the A is in recovery, that is their priority. Nothing else comes before recovery. They are learning to do EVERYTHING from scratch without alcohol. If your RAH seems selfish right now, GOOD. That means that he is focusing on himself, which is his #1 concern for the time being. You need to learn how to be properly supportive in his recovery. Sometimes spouses in recovery will leave their partner (not always permanently) because they feel they cannot focus due to the home environment. Every RA is different. Get to Al-Anon and educate yourself on the disease of alcoholism. You don't want to breed resentment in your RAH by trying to suck the recovery right out of him. It may not feel like it to you, but it can to an A in early recovery. All the best to both of you as you walk this path.

hailey29

I understand now he needs some space but my thing is he keeps lieing to me. He agreed not to hang out with a girl from AA then I found out the other night he had but with another guy. I saw where he drove acrros town and back to AA instead of taking the road right next to the resturant they were at to pick up our screaming sick daughter. I asked him why he went out of his way and back to AA and he said he wanted to stop and smoke which didn't make sense. so today he admitted that they was riding together and they dropped him back off at his car.

If he went out ther to eat and she was there and he didn't know she would be there it would be a different story but he got in the car with her and went there knowing that he agreeed not hang out with her after AA( she was flirting with him before and asking him to hang out late at night). So yes I want him to have his space but he CAN NOT LIE TO ME it is not alright whether he is focusing on his recovery or not!

honeypig

Hailey, lying would suggest he is NOT in any kind of recovery.

Lying is part of the disease.

I know you've been told to check into Alanon; I'll say it again. It will be a source of education about alcoholism, which you need, and a face-to-face support system.

I would suggest that he NOT be "picking up your screaming sick daughter." This is a man who wrecked your car "to spice things up", right? I'm thinking I would NOT trust the care of a child to such a person.

hailey29

it sounds crazy but he is like a different person with the kids. He is an amazing father and takes such good care of them. That is the one thing I can trust. I am goign to Alnon tomorrow. I wish I could go more often but between nursing school, my sons 5 drs appointments a week, work, and everything that comes with running a house and kids its almsot impossible since my husband is never home between all his appointments. I hope I can connect with people at this new group!

honeypig

I hope you can too, Hailey. Something that might help would be to get some Alanon literature and do some reading so you have a little knowledge of the principles of Alanon. You can find a lot on Amazon, and a lot of it is available used to save $$. Amazon.com: al-anon books: Books

One more thought--sometimes those we don't think we have anything in common with are more like us than we believed possible...

NWGRITS

I thought I could trust my with my alcoholic mother with my kids. Until I couldn't. I nearly lost them to CPS because my mother got absolutely trashed while home alone with them. The police got called, CPS was notified, their father had X amount of minutes to get to the house before the kids were taken into custody by the state (I live 3,000 miles away, and they were with their dad for summer break).

This disease is progressive and it WILL get worse. If he is lying to you, he is not in recovery, and he will be back to the bottle before long. Do not trust an active alcoholic (or in this case, an A who is white knuckling, if he's even abstaining in the first place) with your children. You cannot trust an A who is not wholeheartedly working a program. Your AH is not working a program. That much is evident.