Why is there never a "good" time?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
Why is there never a "good" time?
I don't know how to approach my A. There just never seems to be a time when it could be done. Obviously not when A is drinking, and sober is when we are at work together. In the past, any time I've tried to bring up what needs to be addressed, I've either ruined the end of a great weekend, ruined the end of a great day or the beginning of the weekend, or not appropriate at work. I think you all know the drill.
I know my is is making excuses... so, I don't need help there. I just want to be able to say what I need to say and be sure it is heard. Way back in the beginning of our marriage I would write notes/letters, but those didn't get me anywhere either.
In another post I wrote about how my A and I got into an argument Thursday and on Friday he left out of town for a trip. We barely said good-bye because we were still not speaking. It can be rough when you work together but with a salesperson in the office with us, we can manage cordial at least. This time it was barely that because I am spent, tired and worn down.
He will expect this argument to be over or he will come back still strong willed. (As am I) that argument is on another post.
Heres the thing, as I said I know that no good time is my A's excuse. So if and when I begin to address it I will either be cut off, ignored or have it all turned on me and I will not be able to get my point across. What is my point?
It all needs to change. Counseling for the both of us, counseling for him and time to sober up. I can't do this anymore. I can't. How to say that in 60 seconds so that I don't go on and on. I will do that because I will start giving examples, reasons, justifications, and the whole point will be lost.
Gosh,
sorry to go on and on, I am sorting my thoughts out here and could use a little something.
I know my is is making excuses... so, I don't need help there. I just want to be able to say what I need to say and be sure it is heard. Way back in the beginning of our marriage I would write notes/letters, but those didn't get me anywhere either.
In another post I wrote about how my A and I got into an argument Thursday and on Friday he left out of town for a trip. We barely said good-bye because we were still not speaking. It can be rough when you work together but with a salesperson in the office with us, we can manage cordial at least. This time it was barely that because I am spent, tired and worn down.
He will expect this argument to be over or he will come back still strong willed. (As am I) that argument is on another post.
Heres the thing, as I said I know that no good time is my A's excuse. So if and when I begin to address it I will either be cut off, ignored or have it all turned on me and I will not be able to get my point across. What is my point?
It all needs to change. Counseling for the both of us, counseling for him and time to sober up. I can't do this anymore. I can't. How to say that in 60 seconds so that I don't go on and on. I will do that because I will start giving examples, reasons, justifications, and the whole point will be lost.
Gosh,
sorry to go on and on, I am sorting my thoughts out here and could use a little something.
God's Kid
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 1,820
You could say what u need to say when ur feeling good rather than trying to gauge his reaction or mood.
Something I've learnt is it is more important that I say it (for myself) than if he actually hears it. I usually only say things once these days too and if he misses the point its not my problem.
Something I've learnt is it is more important that I say it (for myself) than if he actually hears it. I usually only say things once these days too and if he misses the point its not my problem.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I think he's pretty well demonstrated that he is NOT listening...is not INTERESTED in what you have to say or how you feel. what is it you think you could say in 60 seconds that would get thru to him??? he's walled off.
so, what if....you take the messages he's been giving you loud and clear, and then do what is best for you. if you want counseling, go. and look at all from the perspective of what IS.....and what has been, for a long time. a husband who does his own thing, drinks, shuts you down with the silent treatment. and ask yourself, is THIS what you really want to do with your one precious life?
so, what if....you take the messages he's been giving you loud and clear, and then do what is best for you. if you want counseling, go. and look at all from the perspective of what IS.....and what has been, for a long time. a husband who does his own thing, drinks, shuts you down with the silent treatment. and ask yourself, is THIS what you really want to do with your one precious life?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
Thank you all, for your responses. What refreshing help. It is one thing to read this help from a "professional", another to read help from "professional co's, enablers, and family members".
I will remember that
-It's about saying it for me, not so that it changes him.
-I must act, not just speak.
-And, he has proven that he doesn't listen anyway, it's about him, until he knows I mean it. Big deal, right?
In fact I actually was able to share with my daughter tonight that advice, Lizw. We were talking about what I feel is important for her to approach somebody that has hurt her. She was saying : "it doesn't matter that person will not change" I said hey, guess what I just learned from my support board? it's not about changing that persons mind, it's about coming clean and getting it off your chest, so that you know that you've done all you can to be right with that person and our HP."
So thank you to all my new,dear friends and family.
Be well,
I will remember that
-It's about saying it for me, not so that it changes him.
-I must act, not just speak.
-And, he has proven that he doesn't listen anyway, it's about him, until he knows I mean it. Big deal, right?
In fact I actually was able to share with my daughter tonight that advice, Lizw. We were talking about what I feel is important for her to approach somebody that has hurt her. She was saying : "it doesn't matter that person will not change" I said hey, guess what I just learned from my support board? it's not about changing that persons mind, it's about coming clean and getting it off your chest, so that you know that you've done all you can to be right with that person and our HP."
So thank you to all my new,dear friends and family.
Be well,
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
hisimage, I wonder if you have considered that this is a "control" issue? As in, "we didn't Cause it, we can't Control it, we can't Cure it?" I have been in that spot too, convinced that if I could approach my RA at "the right time" or say things in the "right way", somehow he would hear me and actually care what I had to say.
Right. I wanted this from a man who for the better part of 20 years has been telling me that things I talk to him about and that he later has no recollection of are "not important enough for me to commit to memory." In those exact words. But I thought if I could restate things enough different ways, at enough different times, somehow I could make all the difference...
What the hell was I thinking, hey? Anyway, this might be way off the mark for you, but for me it was definitely related to control. Once I let go of it, I found I talked a LOT less, and what I did say, I said once. As you mentioned, I say things now to know I put forth MY end of the effort. If no one picks up on the other end, so be it.
Right. I wanted this from a man who for the better part of 20 years has been telling me that things I talk to him about and that he later has no recollection of are "not important enough for me to commit to memory." In those exact words. But I thought if I could restate things enough different ways, at enough different times, somehow I could make all the difference...
What the hell was I thinking, hey? Anyway, this might be way off the mark for you, but for me it was definitely related to control. Once I let go of it, I found I talked a LOT less, and what I did say, I said once. As you mentioned, I say things now to know I put forth MY end of the effort. If no one picks up on the other end, so be it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
I write my husband letters. Then he can read it whenever he wants & I can say exactly what I want to say without being thrown off subject or ignored. He isn't always happy about what he is reading, but at least I've expressed myself to him & that makes me feel better.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi hisimage48 and ((((hugs))))
My experience trying to communicate with an active A is that it is very much like talking to a tree except the tree doesn't get mad and throw a fit.
So, if you feel the need to have this talk find a nearby tree. It will go much better, have the same impact and you'll still feel better for getting it off your chest.
Your friend,
My experience trying to communicate with an active A is that it is very much like talking to a tree except the tree doesn't get mad and throw a fit.
So, if you feel the need to have this talk find a nearby tree. It will go much better, have the same impact and you'll still feel better for getting it off your chest.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I kinda gave up talking to my AH because expressing my feelings is simply impossible. He is never listening, and when I do address this issue, he says, "always causing me trouble" or (and this one makes me laugh hysterically) "do not ruin my weekend." He is absolutely insensitive to tears (not that I cry often, but this is something impossible not to notice). So far, leaving home when he starts ranting (action) has produced the best effect, but I never meant to use my walks to control his behavior. It was just a nice little side-effect.
I have decided to let him talk first.
And that may never happen.
I have decided to let him talk first.
And that may never happen.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
How about counselling for you 
?
QUOTE=hisimage48;4182555]I don't know how to approach my A. There just never seems to be a time when it could be done. Obviously not when A is drinking, and sober is when we are at work together. In the past, any time I've tried to bring up what needs to be addressed, I've either ruined the end of a great weekend, ruined the end of a great day or the beginning of the weekend, or not appropriate at work. I think you all know the drill.
I know my is is making excuses... so, I don't need help there. I just want to be able to say what I need to say and be sure it is heard. Way back in the beginning of our marriage I would write notes/letters, but those didn't get me anywhere either.
In another post I wrote about how my A and I got into an argument Thursday and on Friday he left out of town for a trip. We barely said good-bye because we were still not speaking. It can be rough when you work together but with a salesperson in the office with us, we can manage cordial at least. This time it was barely that because I am spent, tired and worn down.
He will expect this argument to be over or he will come back still strong willed. (As am I) that argument is on another post.
Heres the thing, as I said I know that no good time is my A's excuse. So if and when I begin to address it I will either be cut off, ignored or have it all turned on me and I will not be able to get my point across. What is my point?
It all needs to change. Counseling for the both of us, counseling for him and time to sober up. I can't do this anymore. I can't. How to say that in 60 seconds so that I don't go on and on. I will do that because I will start giving examples, reasons, justifications, and the whole point will be lost.
Gosh,
sorry to go on and on, I am sorting my thoughts out here and could use a little something.
[/QUOTE]
?QUOTE=hisimage48;4182555]I don't know how to approach my A. There just never seems to be a time when it could be done. Obviously not when A is drinking, and sober is when we are at work together. In the past, any time I've tried to bring up what needs to be addressed, I've either ruined the end of a great weekend, ruined the end of a great day or the beginning of the weekend, or not appropriate at work. I think you all know the drill.
I know my is is making excuses... so, I don't need help there. I just want to be able to say what I need to say and be sure it is heard. Way back in the beginning of our marriage I would write notes/letters, but those didn't get me anywhere either.
In another post I wrote about how my A and I got into an argument Thursday and on Friday he left out of town for a trip. We barely said good-bye because we were still not speaking. It can be rough when you work together but with a salesperson in the office with us, we can manage cordial at least. This time it was barely that because I am spent, tired and worn down.
He will expect this argument to be over or he will come back still strong willed. (As am I) that argument is on another post.
Heres the thing, as I said I know that no good time is my A's excuse. So if and when I begin to address it I will either be cut off, ignored or have it all turned on me and I will not be able to get my point across. What is my point?
It all needs to change. Counseling for the both of us, counseling for him and time to sober up. I can't do this anymore. I can't. How to say that in 60 seconds so that I don't go on and on. I will do that because I will start giving examples, reasons, justifications, and the whole point will be lost.
Gosh,
sorry to go on and on, I am sorting my thoughts out here and could use a little something.
[/QUOTE]
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 510
My question to you is,..... ask yourself
Does he already know how you feel about his drinking?
Does he already know what is you are upset and arguing about and how it affects you (ie fought about it before)?
If so, then talking to him about it won't change one thing because he already knows how you feel and CHOOSES to act that way DESPITE how you feel.
That is what has helped me in confronting my ADH. I too struggle with not the right time, ruining the day or event etc etc etc. My ADH knows exactly how I feel about his drinking because we have fought about it multiple times in the past and he changes for a bit (to appease me) and then it gets worse again and we are right back to square one. So talking to him again about it, isnt going to make any difference. he has demonstrated that. Counseling is also not going to help either until he gets sober. An active A cannot be a full active partipant in a healthy marriage until he/she is sober. And we all know the saying we cannot cure it or control it, so until your ADH chooses to help himself,the marriage will likely remain the same. You need to focus on you. Have you joined Alanon? It is a wonderful resource for you in how to take care of yourself while loving an A. Counseling for yourself may also be helpful to explore how you feel and ways to help yourself. I wish you the best. I too struggle with the exact same things in my marriage.
Does he already know how you feel about his drinking?
Does he already know what is you are upset and arguing about and how it affects you (ie fought about it before)?
If so, then talking to him about it won't change one thing because he already knows how you feel and CHOOSES to act that way DESPITE how you feel.
That is what has helped me in confronting my ADH. I too struggle with not the right time, ruining the day or event etc etc etc. My ADH knows exactly how I feel about his drinking because we have fought about it multiple times in the past and he changes for a bit (to appease me) and then it gets worse again and we are right back to square one. So talking to him again about it, isnt going to make any difference. he has demonstrated that. Counseling is also not going to help either until he gets sober. An active A cannot be a full active partipant in a healthy marriage until he/she is sober. And we all know the saying we cannot cure it or control it, so until your ADH chooses to help himself,the marriage will likely remain the same. You need to focus on you. Have you joined Alanon? It is a wonderful resource for you in how to take care of yourself while loving an A. Counseling for yourself may also be helpful to explore how you feel and ways to help yourself. I wish you the best. I too struggle with the exact same things in my marriage.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 80
Thank you all again, I am beginning to clearly see the benefits of if I choose to address it , it's for myself and not him. Although I've known that for a while, I think I get it.
BUT
Does not addressing it give the A the impression all is well? They get to carry on , be a drunk and have their way?
I know you don't know my A, but what is your experience?
BUT
Does not addressing it give the A the impression all is well? They get to carry on , be a drunk and have their way?
I know you don't know my A, but what is your experience?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
"I just want to be able to say what I need to say and be sure it is heard."
If your A is still active in his addiction, then your expectation that you will be heard is unrealistic. Let go of it. We all tend to set up unrealistic expectations with our A's, and that only leads to disappointment. I learned that if I wanted to say something, I needed to look first at my motive. If I thought something I said was going to cause him to sober up, go to counseling, etc then I was going to be let down. If I simply wanted to voice my opinion and get it off my chest, then I could say it and his reaction wouldn't matter. The A will have their reaction, and that's okay, it doesn't need to change what we say or feel. We don't need to take on unnecessary guilt.
If you're ready for a change, you don't need his permission to start changing. Find a counselor with experience in addiction and make an appt for you, join AlAnon. Start setting boundaries for yourself. Trust me, you don't have to announce to him that you're making changes....he'll see it! Actions speak louder than words.
If your A is still active in his addiction, then your expectation that you will be heard is unrealistic. Let go of it. We all tend to set up unrealistic expectations with our A's, and that only leads to disappointment. I learned that if I wanted to say something, I needed to look first at my motive. If I thought something I said was going to cause him to sober up, go to counseling, etc then I was going to be let down. If I simply wanted to voice my opinion and get it off my chest, then I could say it and his reaction wouldn't matter. The A will have their reaction, and that's okay, it doesn't need to change what we say or feel. We don't need to take on unnecessary guilt.
If you're ready for a change, you don't need his permission to start changing. Find a counselor with experience in addiction and make an appt for you, join AlAnon. Start setting boundaries for yourself. Trust me, you don't have to announce to him that you're making changes....he'll see it! Actions speak louder than words.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by hisimage48 
Thank you all again, I am beginning to clearly see the benefits of if I choose to address it , it's for myself and not him. Although I've known that for a while, I think I get it.
BUT
Does not addressing it give the A the impression all is well? They get to carry on , be a drunk and have their way?
I know you don't know my A, but what is your experience?
BUT
Does not addressing it give the A the impression all is well? They get to carry on , be a drunk and have their way?
I know you don't know my A, but what is your experience?
I didn't matter what I said or did, she would carry on, be drunk and have it all her way. After all that's the way world had always worked so why would the future be any different?
For me at least one of the biggest changes in my life came when I accepted reality as it was and not how I hoped it to be. She showed me who she was and after many years of failed attempts to change her I finally let go of my expectations for her and started working on making my life better.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 391
When I used to say to myself that I just wanted to get it out and I want to be heard....what I really wanted was for him to agree with what I was saying and to change in the way I wanted him to.
There came a time when it dawned on me that my words were not that compelling to him.
Hugs.
MamaKit
There came a time when it dawned on me that my words were not that compelling to him.
Hugs.
MamaKit
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
Originally Posted by MamaKit
When I used to say to myself that I just wanted to get it out and I want to be heard....what I really wanted was for him to agree with what I was saying and to change in the way I wanted him to.
There came a time when it dawned on me that my words were not that compelling to him.
There came a time when it dawned on me that my words were not that compelling to him.
This is so true. For a looooong time I suffered from the illusion that if I could just "say it the right way," he would suddenly understand and everything would change. At the end of the day, both his actions and his words in response to me screamed, loud and clear, that he was unable and/or unwilling to take my feelings into consideration.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Glasgow
Posts: 94
I agree with Mike. I expressed how. I felt to my XAB but it very rarely made a difference; sometimes more effort, small changes....this led to me gaining hope only to have the rug pulled from under my feet as he was unable to maintain the changes. Sometimes I think he listened to me so that I could sound off but it always returned to the status quo. Trying to connect with a peron who is emotionally unavailable as addicts are is futile. I ended up being the one emotionally worn out, drained and depressed. I no longer am with him as I chose to save myself, the relationship was destroying me. For those who decide to stay al anon is a wonderful support network of people who understand.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
