Catherine628

Ugh I feel sick to my stomach. Quick back story: separated from AH, living in another state with our 2 daughters and extremely conflicted about divorce. AH says he doesn't want divorce and he's working on recovery. Been apart about 3 months.

There are times when either my D or I just can't get in contact with my AH. He won't answer the phone or texts. This just kicks up all my codependent behaviors. When he does call I either don't want to fight in front of the kids or I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. Of course I immediately assume he is drinking and seeing other women. He says he wants to work on the relationship but how can we if we don't talk? I go back and forth b/w thinking I need to really limit communication again and both of us focus on recovery and thinking we need to talk more and start to rebuild.

I hate how I feel when we can't get in contact and I hate seeing what it does to my daughter. I really want to send a text just letting him have it but what good would that do anyway?

Tuffgirl

Ok, first of all - define talking. What this may mean to you and what it may mean to him are more than likely totally separate things! Men (in general) are doers. Women (in general) are talkers. Men resolve problems by action. Woman by connection. You may be expecting him to need things in the same way you do.

Ok - contact. Again, define your expectations. Does he get back to you if you leave a message or text him, even if it takes a while? Or are long periods going by before he contacts you? Maybe he's simply busy trying to live his own life. Doesn't necessarily mean he's up to no good.

Has he cheated on you in the past, leading you to think there are other women involved? Has he relapsed in the past? These are things you need to ask yourself, in regards to him earning back your trust. I know its hard to see his actions from a distance, but pay attention to what he does, not what he doesn't do. It may not be exactly what you want, but it may be the best he can give right now and lowering your expectations could take a lot of pressure of you both.

Things are different right now. Acceptance of this may help relieve your anxiety about it.

Catherine628

Well....if I'm being honest "talking" for me means getting answers to some of the crap or trying to get him to reassure me about the future. I know he has an incredible struggle right now with his sobriety.

And there are serious trust issues due to some horrible things that happened when he was doing his daily bottle of vodka thing.


I do need to focus on what he is doing. I need a big dose of patience right now.

Thanks.

Catherine628

I should clarify: I need to focus on my own recovery 1st and then look at what he is doing rather than let my imagination fill in when I don't hear from him. That is an old behavior pattern for me.

dandylion

Catherine--It is not uncommon for us (esp. co-dependents) to doubt our own judgement and drift back into the wishful thinking that sustained us in the dysfunctional relationship for so long.

At these times it is good to go back and review the reasons that we left in the first place---or go back and read your posts from a couple of months ago!!

It is more than unlikely that he could have left his old behaviors behind. This guy has misled you more than once in the past.

The intermittent contact (remember the intermittent chicken) is harder on you than going no contact would be. Sure, it is hard--I get that (we all do)--but, keep your eye on the goal. Short-term pain for long term gain.

I know you went to alanon before--can you get to a meeting in your current area? You could use some good support, right now, I suspect.

Don't be his intermittent chicken.

dandylion

Tuffgirl

So what if you have the answers? What happens then? Play this one forward...will it matter? Truth is...he is probably an a$$hat on top of being an addict. And I don't mean this to sound mean; just pointing out that having answers isn't necessarily what brings us peace.

Getting reassurance from an addict isn't going to be possible. Dig deep and find that in yourself. I remember during my separation I wanted to know what was going to happen between us RIGHT NOW. And that attitude created anxiety for me and definitely resentment from him. He couldn't even reassure himself he was going to make it sober, much less offer me anything, especially reassurance.

Catherine, I know you are hurting - it is evident in your posts. But having high expectations only fuels the hurt. Accepting this for what it really is, even though that is often the hardest thing to do, is what really brings you the peace and confidence you seek. Regardless of what happens with him, your marriage, or his actions as a Father, you will be ok. Write that down and carry it with you. You will be ok.

And you will get through this, if you choose.