RJY9

This weekend has been just plain misery in my drinking mind. Ive held it together for the sake of my friends and family but inside I have been screaming for that warm fuzzy buzz and escape from my ever racing mind. My anxiety has shot through the roof and i'm getting close to relapsing simply because I don't want to feel like this anymore and the feelings of impending doom and fear are just to much sometimes. I'm finding sober life hard at the moment and I cant believe that I have managed to get this far to 33 days and am feeling worst all the time?? Why!? I don't get it!??

Anyway i'm just being 100% honest and right now im still sober and that's good I guess, but im starting to think is it really worth being this unhappy forever? I have had periods of great positive feelings recently and when the darkness kicks in, its really hard. I cant get to the gym as my motivation is at 0% and all I can manage is to go to work (and that's only because I cant afford not to) Man I've had a rubbish few days. Filled with misery. Its times like this I wold actually prefer to still be drinking. Just being honest.

jaynie04

RJY9..talking and posting about your feelings can be the difference between staying sober and relapsing. I learned that our dopamine levels (which controlled motivation and moods) get messed up when we are drinking. It takes a while for our bodies to figure out that we are not pouring that hopeless fix down our throats anymore....

I am imagining my body is like a teenager who is threatening to run away and the parents have decided to take a different tack and ignore instead of fighting. "Ok, I'm leaving now, I mean it, this time I am definitely leaving, I'm outta here! HELLO! I'm leaving, I mean my hand is on the knob, I am definitely definitely hitting the road...HELLO? I'm leaving".

I feel like my body is sitting there with invisible arms crossed. "Hello? Dopamine now! HELLO? ANYONE? I need dopamine, NOW! Ok I am getting pissed, where is the dopamine??? You normally shoot it in when I scream like this....where is my dopamine??? .....never mind.."

mecanix

Took 6 months for my brain to get rid of the depressive effects of alcohol .

If your feeling depressed drinking a depressant isn't the thing to do , going to the Dr's and talking to them honestly about it is .

Keep making the right decisions RJY .

m

tootsl1

RJ it doesn't last forever, I remember my first attempt I caved at a month and it took me a while to get back on the horse. Hold tight, and tomorrow is a new day.

lorelei

Hey rj, sometimes we get to this point and have forgotten all the horrendous things about drinking, ill bet you don't want to go back to day 1, withdrawals again, this will pass, it goes thro phases, just keep in mind why you had to give up x

steelmagnolia

I agree...it does take months! Hence...one day at a time...one moment at a time! Mental peace Has been the greatest gift I have ever received! It's a journey...it takes highs and lows but one thing is a given...there are no true highs when drinking or drugging! Good love...mags

kadidee

Sending you some good vibes, RJYN. Congratulations on 33 days. That's awesome. I'm still early in this process too and have had some really down days when I question why I'm even doing this. But, the next day, I'm always glad that I didn't drink because it would only make it worse. We'll get through this. You have so much support here.

Dee74

It's not forever - if it was, noone would stay sober

If you're like me, you drank for years - this is 30 days - it's great but it's the beginning of the journey not the end

Look back at 3 months - I think you'll be surprised.

what kinds of things are you doing for your recovery?
It will get better - have faith RJY

D

Anna

I hope you feel better!

And, I also wonder what you are doing for your recovery besides not drinking?

Nuudawn

RJY9...hey. I have had a few sobriety attempts in my past but only the last in 2006/07 was what I would call a serious one with some duration. The other day my mom was talking about how much better I was when I quit drinking that time. Well..that wasn't quite right. Was I better than when I was drinking? Well, I was sober and therefore my life was not so crazy and dangerous and the emotional roller coaster wasn't as extreme. In HER mind as a mother I was better. Understandable. Truth is..I was miserable in that sobriety and I ended up going to the doc for antidepressants. The antidepressants helped a wee bit..but I ended up back drinking anyways..and well, wasn't overly concerned about it. Sobriety hadn't been a whole lot of fun...and I believe I was sober bout 8 or 9 months.

In my mind.........big breath...it had EVERYTHING to do with my state of mind. Quitting alcohol back then was a deprivation. The rest of the world could go on drinking and I HAD to be sober because I was an alcoholic. I HAD to go to AA because I was an alcoholic. I was sick. I had some effin disease and the rest of the world could drink and party and be normal..wah wah wah wah wah.

That is not the way I feel now.

I am sober because I choose to be not because I have to be. I spend enough years drinking and going nowhere. I have enough evidence of the drunken life to want something better. I have the motivation to see how the other half lives. Plenty of people in this world do not drink or drink extremely little because that is there CHOICE ...not because they are alcoholics. They have lives and other interests..values and principals.

If you are not drinking because you feel you HAVE to give it up rather than choose to for a better, bigger, brighter life...you will continue to weigh the glass half empty.

I fear unless you change your why's or your motivation as to why you want real life..like real life..with you..the real you at the helm being responsible for your choices and your outcomes. If you want don't want to give you a chance? Well, I fear your sober days are limited. You are choosing to GIVE yourself something...not take something away.

kadidee

Nuudawn, I'm going to need a whole new pack of sticky notes to keep track of all the insight and wisdom you post here.

LadyBlue0527

Nuudawn, awesome post!

Dee, I love that you pointed that out, that being unhappy is not forever otherwise no one would stay sober. That is SO perfectly put!

EndGameNYC

Hey Nuudawn.

Such beautiful comments.

You truly have a wonderful gift for self expression.

RJY9

Many thanks to everyone above for your comments. I am still sober today and the support I am getting here is wonderful. Nuudawn the answer to your question is, I choose to stop drinking because I too want a better life. I will stay strong I just find it hard without the drink sometimes.

lorelei

Its ok to feel like that RJ, acknowledge the thought and let it pass you by, well done getting thro x

Nuudawn

We all do...sometimes. Neither life or emotions are static. When I get tired or stressed or emotionally overwhelmed "a glass of wine" flashes at me like a bright neon sign. I suspect it will for a while..maybe always I dunno.

I have almost lost my sobriety a few times as a result of a bad moment or freakin' day where the craving has nipped persistently off an on all day.

It's the getting through that builds our sobriety, clarity and self esteem.

So glad you are still with us. I was really concerned.

Kza

Few do stay sober

jkb

30 days is still pretty early on. I had some BAD cravings around that time. Stay strong and it really does get better.

Jess

Nuudawn

Let me guess...you write Hallmark cards for a living dontcha Kza : )

But a lot do stay sober.