As expected - AH relapses
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Join Date: May 2013
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As expected - AH relapses
Hello all - I am back as most all of you predicted. For a recap, AH did an IOP as a requirement to keep his job. That is the only reason he did it. He did quit, but was very surley and not very engaged in his rehab program - from my point anyway.
He lost his job despite the IOP -- his second job loss due to drinking.
He was sober around 110 days as far as I can tell. He is a secret drinker but he has many 'tells' so it was very easy for me to determine he was back on the bottle. I let it go for quite some time. Practiced detachment and let him do his thing.
Until this week. I lost it. Just lost it. I have a family member in the hospital and it could be very bad. AH just sat around drinking...I would come home from work and the hospital to a pit of a house - dirty dishes, dirty laundry etc. He is home all day, with nothing to do....no kids to take care of, no job -- nothing.
I gave him an ultimatum - quit drinking or get out. I told him that I didn't care that he had no money and no job and no place to go. IF he is going to stay with his family he has to get help and quit. I also made a continuous program (like AA) part of the deal. I told him that I refuse to live this life he has put in front of me. It is not fair that he gets to take off from all responsibility and I get to bear it all.
When do I get to take a break from life and have someone take care of me??? Never - that is when.
And if I hear "I have a disease" one more time I am going to scream. Sure, you have a disease...so GET TREATMENT!! If you had cancer you would get Chemo...if you had diabetes you would get insulin....so get ADDICTION TREATMENT. If you have cancer and don't treat - you die. If you have diabetes and sit around and eat candy - you die. If you have an additiction and you sit around and drink...you die. Having a disease doesn't mean...."I can't help it" it means.....you need to get treatment. Sorry for the rant....I am just so tired.
I have to detach again. He felt it last night as he is attempting to quit again - at least I think he is.
As always, thanks so much for reading...it helps just to get this out to people that understand!
He lost his job despite the IOP -- his second job loss due to drinking.
He was sober around 110 days as far as I can tell. He is a secret drinker but he has many 'tells' so it was very easy for me to determine he was back on the bottle. I let it go for quite some time. Practiced detachment and let him do his thing.
Until this week. I lost it. Just lost it. I have a family member in the hospital and it could be very bad. AH just sat around drinking...I would come home from work and the hospital to a pit of a house - dirty dishes, dirty laundry etc. He is home all day, with nothing to do....no kids to take care of, no job -- nothing.
I gave him an ultimatum - quit drinking or get out. I told him that I didn't care that he had no money and no job and no place to go. IF he is going to stay with his family he has to get help and quit. I also made a continuous program (like AA) part of the deal. I told him that I refuse to live this life he has put in front of me. It is not fair that he gets to take off from all responsibility and I get to bear it all.
When do I get to take a break from life and have someone take care of me??? Never - that is when.
And if I hear "I have a disease" one more time I am going to scream. Sure, you have a disease...so GET TREATMENT!! If you had cancer you would get Chemo...if you had diabetes you would get insulin....so get ADDICTION TREATMENT. If you have cancer and don't treat - you die. If you have diabetes and sit around and eat candy - you die. If you have an additiction and you sit around and drink...you die. Having a disease doesn't mean...."I can't help it" it means.....you need to get treatment. Sorry for the rant....I am just so tired.
I have to detach again. He felt it last night as he is attempting to quit again - at least I think he is.
As always, thanks so much for reading...it helps just to get this out to people that understand!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
bluetomato--don't be hard on your self for losing your cool. The behaviors that accompany alcoholism is often more than some of us can tolerate.
The fact is, it is up to you to draw the boundaries of what you are willing to live with--or not.
He is doing what alcoholics do--they drink. As you already know, you can't change that--so the question is, always---what are you going to do?
I am sorry to hear about your loved one--You have my upmost empathy of having to deal with this as well as having an active alcoholic at home. We all have a "tipping point"
dandylion
The fact is, it is up to you to draw the boundaries of what you are willing to live with--or not.
He is doing what alcoholics do--they drink. As you already know, you can't change that--so the question is, always---what are you going to do?
I am sorry to hear about your loved one--You have my upmost empathy of having to deal with this as well as having an active alcoholic at home. We all have a "tipping point"
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Bluetomato, I was reading another thread here a few days ago where there was some discussion about the A's "bottom" and how/when that would happen. Someone posted that "we have a bottom on THIS side of the street, too, you know, not just the A's!"
It surely sounds like you have hit yours.
Wishing you strength and clarity in doing whatever you decide must be done at this point, and sending sympathy for the anger and frustration you're feeling right now. Are you going to Alanon? You'd likely find some great face-to-face support there, and it sounds like you could use that...
It surely sounds like you have hit yours.
Wishing you strength and clarity in doing whatever you decide must be done at this point, and sending sympathy for the anger and frustration you're feeling right now. Are you going to Alanon? You'd likely find some great face-to-face support there, and it sounds like you could use that...
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Who knew that dirty dishes would be a tipping point?
OK so it wasn't the dishes.
It was the realization that I don't have an H that I can rely on for anything. I couldn't even unload the stress of the hospital events on someone. I always thought that a married couple was unit and that one of the benefits of being married was to be able to share in lifes downturns.
Not so much.
In losing it, I told him that if he decides to drink himself into a coma that he would have to figure out how to get himself to the hospital. I am busy taking care of someone else and don't have time for him. In so many words I told him I don't care about him anymore. That I can't care about him anymore. If he chooses alcohol, he chooses to leave me and his entire family.
He tried to apologize and I just looked at him. How many times does it take before the words I'm Sorry are meaningless?
OK so it wasn't the dishes.
It was the realization that I don't have an H that I can rely on for anything. I couldn't even unload the stress of the hospital events on someone. I always thought that a married couple was unit and that one of the benefits of being married was to be able to share in lifes downturns.
Not so much.
In losing it, I told him that if he decides to drink himself into a coma that he would have to figure out how to get himself to the hospital. I am busy taking care of someone else and don't have time for him. In so many words I told him I don't care about him anymore. That I can't care about him anymore. If he chooses alcohol, he chooses to leave me and his entire family.
He tried to apologize and I just looked at him. How many times does it take before the words I'm Sorry are meaningless?
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
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Bluetomato I so know where you are coming from. I was in the same boat upto a couple of months ago. My AH was in rehab last year and I was given a carers badge. I couldn't understand why at the time but now I do! I did everything and he did nothing. He relapsed and I recognised the signs....
I wish you luck in your current situation and keep us posted.
I wish you luck in your current situation and keep us posted.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Honeypig,
I have had a project at work that has caused me to work odd hours, so I have not made it to a face-to-face al-anon meeting yet. Since I am the sole supporter of our family, I don't want to put my job in jeopardy. I haven't been at this job for a year yet, so I don't get FMLA type passes for a bit.
I am, however, a voracious reader and have been reading here and at the al-anon site. I am a 'researcher' by nature and career so learning that way is very easy for me to do.
I was doing very, very well at detachment and taking care of me. I have started to do things that I haven't done in decades. Even my kids have noticed!
You are right...this is my rock bottom. I think I always knew what it was but had never really told AH. I was always in 'fix-it' mode with him. Something goes wrong - don't worry bluetomato will fix it. I have now told him that HE needs to fix it. I am not there for him to fall back on anymore. He doesn't fix it, he gets to live alone.
I just wish I had been able to stay strong and not lose it, but in the long run I hope it will be beneficial.
I have had a project at work that has caused me to work odd hours, so I have not made it to a face-to-face al-anon meeting yet. Since I am the sole supporter of our family, I don't want to put my job in jeopardy. I haven't been at this job for a year yet, so I don't get FMLA type passes for a bit.
I am, however, a voracious reader and have been reading here and at the al-anon site. I am a 'researcher' by nature and career so learning that way is very easy for me to do.
I was doing very, very well at detachment and taking care of me. I have started to do things that I haven't done in decades. Even my kids have noticed!
You are right...this is my rock bottom. I think I always knew what it was but had never really told AH. I was always in 'fix-it' mode with him. Something goes wrong - don't worry bluetomato will fix it. I have now told him that HE needs to fix it. I am not there for him to fall back on anymore. He doesn't fix it, he gets to live alone.
I just wish I had been able to stay strong and not lose it, but in the long run I hope it will be beneficial.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 34
Wow. I could have written many parts your post myself!! My AH has drank twice since a supposedly quitting roughly 2 months ago. He plays the 'disease' card with me too. I realize there is indeed that aspect to this issue. But it's as if he thinks it gives him the green light to do as he wishes. The first time he went and got plowed (since 'quitting'), of course I let him have it- his response to my anger was, "I'm diseased! I'm an ALCOHOLIC! You just don't f***ing get it!!" And last night, after picking him up at the bar where he's gotten sufficiently drunk, and give him a piece of my mind, I get somewhat the same response. Such a nice tidy little go-to response to excuse things. Not only does his continued drinking infuriate me.....but I think I might stab myself in the eye with a fork if I hear the 'disease' thing again. It would be infinitely more tolerable if I saw evidence that he was trying to do something to make it any different.....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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From my point of view (in this general discussion) is---the alcoholic is RIGHT when they retort: "I am a diseased;I am an alcoholic;you don't get it". Drinking is part of their disease (while the alcoholic is still active).And, those of us who aren't addicts cannot imagine how powerful the compulsion to drink is and how there is loss of control after the first drink. We really don't "get" that they are not drinking to hurt us--they are not drinking at us--they are just drinking because that is what they do--drink.
What they MEAN--when they use this retort is--"Allow me to continue my behavior without repercussions because I am an alcoholic" "Don't put any restraints on me" "Continue the same way you have---continue to tolerate and continue to hope against hope that I will take responsibility" "Return to the status quo--you are giving me a headache--back off.".
Until we draw boundaries that their truth (I drink) will no longer induce us to keep up the status quo---they keep using this strategy. And, they will use it as long as it works. People tend to continue what works for them.
I have faced this with my own alcoholics---sigh.
I am just sharing my personal view on this. I tolerated it far too long....
dandylion
What they MEAN--when they use this retort is--"Allow me to continue my behavior without repercussions because I am an alcoholic" "Don't put any restraints on me" "Continue the same way you have---continue to tolerate and continue to hope against hope that I will take responsibility" "Return to the status quo--you are giving me a headache--back off.".
Until we draw boundaries that their truth (I drink) will no longer induce us to keep up the status quo---they keep using this strategy. And, they will use it as long as it works. People tend to continue what works for them.
I have faced this with my own alcoholics---sigh.
I am just sharing my personal view on this. I tolerated it far too long....
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 53
Dandylion - I completely agree with you. I am a big proponent of mental health issues and I do believe that addiction is a disease....and I agree - it is not an excuse.
I am willing to support AH in any treatment option he chooses. I will pay for it, drive him there, go there, sign him up...do whatever it takes to get him the treatment. Just as I would if he had heart disease, cancer etc.
I don't deny that there is a compulsion that I can't possible understand. I have told AH this many times. Even though I don't know what it feels like, I do know that it exists and I do understand what I have read about it. He doesn't even give me that much credit. I am a smart person, I get it -- even though I can't feel it.
My point to him and my boundry is that I will accept him living in this house IF he is in treatment. Whatever treatment. Some treatment, any treatment. Do something. He cannot wallow, he cannot sit around and do nothing. He has to be a contributing member of this family. Period.
I am giving him a few days to let this sink in. He was drunk when the conversation happened. He hasn't quit yet, nor has he sought treatment. He has until Wed. to tell me what he is going to do about it. I think I am being more than fair.
Frankly this sucks. I want to be done being responsible and strong. I want to be tired and just go to bed and hide. I don't get that luxury.
I am willing to support AH in any treatment option he chooses. I will pay for it, drive him there, go there, sign him up...do whatever it takes to get him the treatment. Just as I would if he had heart disease, cancer etc.
I don't deny that there is a compulsion that I can't possible understand. I have told AH this many times. Even though I don't know what it feels like, I do know that it exists and I do understand what I have read about it. He doesn't even give me that much credit. I am a smart person, I get it -- even though I can't feel it.
My point to him and my boundry is that I will accept him living in this house IF he is in treatment. Whatever treatment. Some treatment, any treatment. Do something. He cannot wallow, he cannot sit around and do nothing. He has to be a contributing member of this family. Period.
I am giving him a few days to let this sink in. He was drunk when the conversation happened. He hasn't quit yet, nor has he sought treatment. He has until Wed. to tell me what he is going to do about it. I think I am being more than fair.
Frankly this sucks. I want to be done being responsible and strong. I want to be tired and just go to bed and hide. I don't get that luxury.
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