The spiral down.....
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
The spiral down.....
My husband....
He tried, I really believe he tried. Suboxone, 2 meetings a day for over a year, half heartedly worked with a sponsor and did a few steps, therapy, a retreat, conventions, Vivitrol and still couldn't get there. The broken arm and surgery back in December didn't help.
I left on 8/11 to visit family and to try and gain some clarity. I still have not returned. During this time, he was supposed to go on Naltroxone for life. He went to the doctor, got a prescription and told me he was on it. But it didn't take long for me to know he was lying. Supposedly, he has attempted to get on it twice and got very sick. True?? Wasn't clean long enough?? Who knows.
It became more and more obvious that he just isn't done. He may never be. I, then, had to make some very painful decisions. I no longer trusted him with my beloved dogs so I had them put in foster care. He fought me on this but eventually complied.
I am embarrassed to admit that my recovery got weak over time. Eventually, I began lashing out via text. In fact, there were a few times, I blew up his phone. For the most part, he didn't respond or react....because he was using and just couldn't be bothered. He was too busy with his "mistress."
When he eventually spoke about our plans, I couldn't believe my ears. His thinking is so distorted that it haunted me all night. The man I knew is gone, sinking and settling for things I would never have imagined. I couldn't believe he was telling me his plans and thinking they were sane. The rapid downward spiral has begun.
The codie in me wanted to go back and help make his life manageable again or as manageable as I could at this point. I wanted to try to talk to him and see if I could reach him. But for the very first real time, I knew better. I finally accepted I am powerless over his choices.
He told me tonight "i still love you with all my heart but I guess I am just not done. I can't do this for you and I don't know what it's going to take." I told him that i loved him too and that I understood.
I refuse to move back to that area because I can't bare the thought of how bad he will probably become. I need the distance. I don't want to see him or hear about it. I don't ever want to be tempted to try and rescue him again either. He knows what to do, when or if he ever choices recovery.
I will need to go back soon to get my things. He is willing to stay away while i am there. He, too, needs to find another place to live soon. I can't even remember what he was wearing the last time I saw him. I never imagined the kiss and hug goodbye at the airport would be the very last. I feel so sad and yet so numb.
I continue to pray for all those hurt by addiction.
He tried, I really believe he tried. Suboxone, 2 meetings a day for over a year, half heartedly worked with a sponsor and did a few steps, therapy, a retreat, conventions, Vivitrol and still couldn't get there. The broken arm and surgery back in December didn't help.
I left on 8/11 to visit family and to try and gain some clarity. I still have not returned. During this time, he was supposed to go on Naltroxone for life. He went to the doctor, got a prescription and told me he was on it. But it didn't take long for me to know he was lying. Supposedly, he has attempted to get on it twice and got very sick. True?? Wasn't clean long enough?? Who knows.
It became more and more obvious that he just isn't done. He may never be. I, then, had to make some very painful decisions. I no longer trusted him with my beloved dogs so I had them put in foster care. He fought me on this but eventually complied.
I am embarrassed to admit that my recovery got weak over time. Eventually, I began lashing out via text. In fact, there were a few times, I blew up his phone. For the most part, he didn't respond or react....because he was using and just couldn't be bothered. He was too busy with his "mistress."
When he eventually spoke about our plans, I couldn't believe my ears. His thinking is so distorted that it haunted me all night. The man I knew is gone, sinking and settling for things I would never have imagined. I couldn't believe he was telling me his plans and thinking they were sane. The rapid downward spiral has begun.
The codie in me wanted to go back and help make his life manageable again or as manageable as I could at this point. I wanted to try to talk to him and see if I could reach him. But for the very first real time, I knew better. I finally accepted I am powerless over his choices.
He told me tonight "i still love you with all my heart but I guess I am just not done. I can't do this for you and I don't know what it's going to take." I told him that i loved him too and that I understood.
I refuse to move back to that area because I can't bare the thought of how bad he will probably become. I need the distance. I don't want to see him or hear about it. I don't ever want to be tempted to try and rescue him again either. He knows what to do, when or if he ever choices recovery.
I will need to go back soon to get my things. He is willing to stay away while i am there. He, too, needs to find another place to live soon. I can't even remember what he was wearing the last time I saw him. I never imagined the kiss and hug goodbye at the airport would be the very last. I feel so sad and yet so numb.
I continue to pray for all those hurt by addiction.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
The only thing as painful as watching someone we love destroy themselves with drugs, is recognizing how much drugs have destroyed us and all we believed in as well. Addiction truly is a family disease.
Sweety, I can't lesson your pain, I can't fix your life, I can only offer huge hugs and walk with you holding my candle of faith, through your dark days.
With all my heart, from the bottom of my soul, I truly hate what addiction does to all of us, as well as our loved ones.
Hugs and hope that one day at a time you will process this all and find your balance again.
Sweety, I can't lesson your pain, I can't fix your life, I can only offer huge hugs and walk with you holding my candle of faith, through your dark days.
With all my heart, from the bottom of my soul, I truly hate what addiction does to all of us, as well as our loved ones.
Hugs and hope that one day at a time you will process this all and find your balance again.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 628
I am very sorry LMN, but you are doing all the right things. Never deny an addict his pain. It is in this pain, learning happens. He will be done when he wants recovery more than he wants drugs. You should go live your life, the way you want to.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I can feel the sadness in your words. But there is also a gentle resignation....a surrender to that powerlessness......acceptance that will free you from the bondage that addiction has had on you.
Still walking with you.....
gentle hugs
ke
Still walking with you.....
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
We are all here with you LMN. Just as you have been for so many others. Sending thoughts for strength and serenity your way. There are so many facets to this journey. I trust I am being led to exactly the person I am meant to be.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Letting go is such a brave act of true love and you are doing it LMN. It serves the highest good and requires faith. Without letting go, you will never know the truth. Now the truth will be revealed to you and the gifts will follow. This is recovery.
Holding on and rescuing is what feels comfortable for us living with addiction. It has served its purpose for you and for him. Denial is where we go, hopefully temporarily, to protect ourselves from the pain until we are ready to face reality.
We doubt the decision to let go because chaos feels like home and pain feels like love- so we go back for more. We become a part of the addiction. The pieces fit perfectly and nothing changes. So we try and force change, but change is difficult and cannot be forced.
And now that we have let them go to face their own reality, we are now anxious to face ours. What have we done? What have we created? Who are we? What have we become? This is where we go back and focus on them, because it is too painful to look in the mirror.
My hope is that one day soon we start to see that by looking at ourselves in our own reflection, there is a new light in our eyes. Even after years of this cycle, we are not broken. In fact, we are more resilient than we thought, and we have all this new energy for life.
Now here is the kicker- all this new found energy for life is meant for you and your healing. He is on his own because he made his bed. Addiction will try to guilt you into feeling responsible for him and his choices. Give it an inch and it will take a mile.
Be brave. Find your faith. Be patient- you are grieving. You can pray for him. But in the meantime, save your energy for you. You are going to need it- especially to avoid getting dragged down again. Do one thing today to take care of your needs and know that you have a lot of people praying for you.
Holding on and rescuing is what feels comfortable for us living with addiction. It has served its purpose for you and for him. Denial is where we go, hopefully temporarily, to protect ourselves from the pain until we are ready to face reality.
We doubt the decision to let go because chaos feels like home and pain feels like love- so we go back for more. We become a part of the addiction. The pieces fit perfectly and nothing changes. So we try and force change, but change is difficult and cannot be forced.
And now that we have let them go to face their own reality, we are now anxious to face ours. What have we done? What have we created? Who are we? What have we become? This is where we go back and focus on them, because it is too painful to look in the mirror.
My hope is that one day soon we start to see that by looking at ourselves in our own reflection, there is a new light in our eyes. Even after years of this cycle, we are not broken. In fact, we are more resilient than we thought, and we have all this new energy for life.
Now here is the kicker- all this new found energy for life is meant for you and your healing. He is on his own because he made his bed. Addiction will try to guilt you into feeling responsible for him and his choices. Give it an inch and it will take a mile.
Be brave. Find your faith. Be patient- you are grieving. You can pray for him. But in the meantime, save your energy for you. You are going to need it- especially to avoid getting dragged down again. Do one thing today to take care of your needs and know that you have a lot of people praying for you.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I refuse to move back to that area because I can't bare the thought of how bad he will probably become. I need the distance. I don't want to see him or hear about it. I don't ever want to be tempted to try and rescue him again either. He knows what to do, when or if he ever choices recovery.
I was moved by your post quite a bit. I highlighted this because while you're making a solid decision to save your sanity, the anguish that comes with making that decision must be tremendous. And I really, really feel for you.
Just keep doing what you're doing. You'll stumble at times, but that's OK. It's part of being human and part of life.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by LoveMeNow 
He told me tonight "i still love you with all my heart but I guess I am just not done. I can't do this for you and I don't know what it's going to take."
I am sorry, LMN.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Originally Posted by hellomynameis
sometimes even when someone we love is trying to tell us who they are, we refuse to listen. You my dear have listened and it will set you free. I love your strength and I want you to know you are my hero!
It's been a long 15 months since both my husband and I started any recovery programs. We both have had many relapses. But I still want to grow and learn, I am not sure what he really wants....as of today....he wants recovery again. I am happy for him, if this true, but this time he will need to do it on his own and solely for himself. Any other way, just hasn't worked!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
>>>Thank you for your kind words but I am not strong or a hero by any means<<<
Yeah, you are. Accept the compliment. If you care to push the issue,
you are gonna lose. We'll put it to an SR vote, but there is no reason
to publicly embarrass you.
Yeah, you are. Accept the compliment. If you care to push the issue,
you are gonna lose. We'll put it to an SR vote, but there is no reason
to publicly embarrass you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Can I vote to go ahead and embarrass LMN for a minute. I will start. LMN is a bright light. She shares and gives profound yet simple insight to this forum- and unselfishly and humbly, provides comfort. Someone else jump in here, because I just think she should know how we feel about her presence.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Most heroes wear the scars of war before they can begin to heal. Scars of a battle well fought.
You ARE a hero, LMN, you share your scars and tell how they happened so that maybe some newcomer can learn from you and grow with fewer scars for them.
And you are strong, you have faced the pain square on and kept walking right through it. That is the only way to get through pain, there is no way "around" it, no easy way out.
So wear the badge proudly and know what an inspiration you are to everyone here, even the old timers like me who need to remember that the "right" thing to do is rarely the easiest thing, but it is always exactly what is needed at the time.
Big hugs to you for sharing so honestly here.
You ARE a hero, LMN, you share your scars and tell how they happened so that maybe some newcomer can learn from you and grow with fewer scars for them.
And you are strong, you have faced the pain square on and kept walking right through it. That is the only way to get through pain, there is no way "around" it, no easy way out.
So wear the badge proudly and know what an inspiration you are to everyone here, even the old timers like me who need to remember that the "right" thing to do is rarely the easiest thing, but it is always exactly what is needed at the time.
Big hugs to you for sharing so honestly here.
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Awww, thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement.
Just a quick update, I am still with my sister and have been feeling peaceful and happy. Now, my sister and I have not always been really close over the years. We have always been hot and cold. We are very different, lived 1300 miles apart and just have conflicting outlooks on life and our childhoods. However, she has really been amazingly supportive. Her love of change has been so inspirational for me as well.
I know she doesn't fully understand why I stayed and the hurt I have been through but she is trying hard. And for all this, I am truly grateful.
Just a quick update, I am still with my sister and have been feeling peaceful and happy. Now, my sister and I have not always been really close over the years. We have always been hot and cold. We are very different, lived 1300 miles apart and just have conflicting outlooks on life and our childhoods. However, she has really been amazingly supportive. Her love of change has been so inspirational for me as well.
I know she doesn't fully understand why I stayed and the hurt I have been through but she is trying hard. And for all this, I am truly grateful.
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